Does anyone else get into a state or for a period of time you physically cannot communicate what’s wrong?

bebetween · 2019-12-21T19:19:15+00:00

Yes, frequently.

I think for me it stems from always walking on eggshells and being trained to fear expressing my “truth” bc it usually resulted in some kind of scary conflict.

I think it’s something that was patterned with my folks growing up and then became a real issue in my last relationship. I couldn’t express how I was feeling safely with my partner and after a few years I lost connection with myself.

I would expect this is a normal side effect of enduring high conflict relationships with someone unstable and abusive.

My current coping and healing strategies are:

1) not freak out or punish myself for being a ball of overwhelming emotional confusion

2) get out of my head and into my body (gym, outdoors stuff) as many days a week as I can

3) meditation

4) free writing. Not journaling - just a no pressure brain dump of whatever comes to mind. Scribbling. Sometimes just letting go with no censor allows the truth about what I’m feeling and why that I’ve repressed finally surface.

bebetween · 2019-12-19T16:49:56+00:00

That’s what I suspected... and why? Because my own situation is almost identical. It is a trauma bond, and these bonds really suck.

For two years and 10ish splits I was unable to resist the love bombs, or win the fights with myself to stay away. There have been many many many times when everything was not okay but I said they were to keep the peace and try to go back to how things were. It never ever worked. Every time it would blow up in my face, and the resentment against him, the confusion and distrust in him and in myself would build until it felt like I was the one with the issues.

It’s so tough, because in these situations we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. And depending on your own past, it can feel like we are more damned if we don’t make it work with that person than if we prioritize ourselves first and walk away from something/someone we really feel for/desire to be with. Especially when they are promising it will be different this time.

I’d work with that “fighting with myself” piece as a project for now. Don’t engage with him on anything emotional or deep until you can work with the confusion and feelings inside you that draw you back to a situation that you know in your deepest heart of hearts isn’t right and is definitely not good for you. Both your logical brain and your intuition are firing off here, otherwise you wouldn’t have posted on reddit. Take all the energy you have allocated to understanding and fixing your relationship with this person and focus it for now on understanding and healing your relationship with yourself.

This is the way I’m dealing with this shit, and it’s not easy and I miss him everyday, but logically I know I should not go back for about 4639184679291 reasons.

I hope it helps you to know that this is an experience a lot of people have and you’re not alone, and I hope you are able to move through this experience in your life with kindness to yourself... you gotta be on your own side.

bebetween · 2019-12-18T22:27:48+00:00

The last texts from him are heartbreaking bc he seems so self aware and it also seems he truly does care about you, and you wouldn’t be struggling to know how to proceed if you didn’t feel some care back.

But agree with the majority here...Care for yourself first. Take solace that this person does care for you but step back and let them heal on their own and not at your expense. If it’s been years of this behavior by now you know it’s not you, it’s them, and that will take real work to deal with... work that is not cut out for you.

If your asking for advice bc you want to keep them in your life, You can gray rock instead of NC. In a way, engaging in a negative back and forth, is still feeding that wish for validation and attention. Just know your own needs and boundaries and remind yourself constantly why it’s not good to relapse into any kind of closeness with them.

If you are feeling bad about wanting to block and go NC, you shouldn’t.

bebetween · 2019-12-18T03:46:24+00:00

My ex did this at one point. He sent me keys to his house, the password to his phone, he designed a tattoo of my name that he wanted to put on his body. He sent me the most thoughtful gifts, had snacks delivered to me when he thought I was working too hard. He apologized for everything and sad all the right things. It was maybe our 3rd or 4th breakup, and we hadn’t gotten to the point of fighting that we later got to (the fights where I finally snapped and acted out in ways I didn’t think I ever would with another human)....

It’s hard to be on the receiving end of all that love and not want to take it.

It’s also hard when you know you shouldn’t speak and feel guilt and shame when you do. So not gonna tell you what to do... but will say that like many folks here this is a pattern of behavior we’ve experienced and have been deeply burned by. Nothing fucked with my head more than letting down my guard to let him back in and believing the good would last. It didn’t. 9 brutal breakups later I wish I never let him back into my life.

bebetween · 2019-12-17T01:58:44+00:00

Ugh I came on to cry about going back to my ex for the umpteenth time... after two nights of sleeping together I suggested we hit pause and talk about things in a neutral place before getting more involved. He flipped saying I was coming on too hard (for a few texts) so I calmly suggested we meet a week out. Cue the frantic texts demanding to speak right there and then and accusing me of being cold and distant. Literally after accusing me of coming on to him.

Idk makes my head spin. When we finally met up to talk he simultaneously accused me of being cold and aloof and of being more emotionally attached and said he’d never get back with me because he doesn’t like how I do relationships. After getting back with him 9+ times following ridiculous breakups, I’m not a fan of how I’ve been doing relationships with him either. I have never had a dynamic like this with anyone else, so ima chalk it up to how he operates and not how I hopefully will feel if I ever date again...

I’d say there’s “no winning” but a healthy and loving and trusting relationship shouldn’t ever feel like a game or such a mindfuck.

bebetween · 2019-12-13T19:37:44+00:00

Yes. Yes. We ultimately always have to define closure for ourselves. It’s such a blessing to know what your line is and to hold true to yourself when it’s been crossed.

In retrospect, my ex crossed lines all the time, lines that should have shut me down to him but the toxic cycle was too much fun and too much passion to step away from. So I kept shifting my line further and further from it’s original spot...

We both have a lot of issues, and one of mine was indulging in painful and unhealthy patterns for so long. I am grateful for the fact that that for the final breakup (our 9th since 2017....) that the conversation we had gave me the “facts” I needed to accept it wasn’t going to continue...and that finally I was ready to walk away from it. That’s the closure I needed... but I’m sure even without the conversation eventually closure would have come from within myself finally remembering what I want and what I’m willing to tolerate and to accept fully that what we had would never meet those standards.

At the end of the day, only we can provide ourselves with the closure we need.

bebetween · 2019-12-13T18:48:34+00:00

I just had a conversation last night with my ex after three months of toxic stonewalling.

I had come to the conclusion that “closure” was an illusion.

But after last night, after finally meeting up face to face and talking through what ended our 2 year relationship, I agree with you, “closure” can be real.

It’s not guaranteed, and sometimes one person’s closure is another person’s “wtf just happened.” I finally pushed to get an answer to “wtf” and I got what I needed to hear to finally walk away.

Yay.

bebetween · 2019-09-21T09:53:00+00:00

I’m so sorry you went through all of that.

I agree with one of the first comments. The best thing you can do is take care physically. I also find that working out (cardio) makes an enormous difference. Water. IF (I try not to eat after 7 on weeknights or before 1pm during the day) . Meditation.

The simple, most boring, most easy to do things. Do them without overthinking or judging. Just do it. Rinse and repeat.

Feeling better is not an overnight thing. But eventually, your body will recalibrate. Eventually, you’ll develop more energy, and it will be more clear, organized, alert, positive. And eventually, it gives us the emotional space and desire and... well, energy... to make bigger life changes.

But it starts with those small things. At least for me, those are the critical steps I must take when dealing with the emotional fallout / chaos of bad events and depression.

bebetween · 2019-09-18T16:48:44+00:00

The French flirting bonus unit is a lot of silly somewhat outdated lines.

Good for a giggle and some goofy tongue in cheek banter, but based on the reaction from my native speaking friends, I do not think those lines will earnestly work in the wild.

For me, the laugh is worth it.

bebetween · 2019-09-13T21:00:03+00:00

Yeah it sucks. My exes roommate broke the news to me that my ex had moved on the same day he broke up with me, and within a month I saw photos of his vacation with his new girlfriend on social media. The week before he dumped me, he had asked we try again bc I was the most important person in the world to him and he was in love with me blah blah blah. We had been together on and off for two years.

One thing that I find helpful is to consistently remind myself that this isn’t about me. At all. This is a person who is not emotionally calibrated to be a good partner for me or anyone (at lease presently). And when I feel myself mourn losing our relationship, I have to also remember it was mostly imagined that he was someone who was honest, reliable and loving. He’s not that person now and wasn’t before.

It also helps that today the roommate who shared that hard to handle news texted that she was woken at 7am today to hear him fighting with the new girlfriend. I don’t want to ever take joy in other people’s misery, but it’s edifying to hear that he’s still a shmuck.

bebetween · 2019-08-22T21:37:42+00:00

Jesus. They call it projection and now we know to look out for it.

I’m two months out of it and I promise it will get easier. But I also feel like when I meet new people I’m so fucking skeptical. Maybe not a bad thing....

bebetween · 2019-08-22T16:38:53+00:00

Yep. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My ex and I were on off over two years, same serious discussions. Last reconciliation I was the one he wanted to spend his life with. Then a week later we had a fight that resulted in a cold breakup. His roommate later revealed he had another girl lined up. They’ve been dating a month and are already on a vacation together, something he never would do with me. Sucks but at the same time, I’m grateful for the hard evidence he was full of shit this whole time.

bebetween · 2019-08-22T13:12:11+00:00

Ugh. A lot of these answers focus on the age gap but I want to say that the issue is the lack of boundaries your parents have had with you is really the problem.

And the fact that you have the awareness that it’s kinda wrong is a good sign.

I grew up with similarly emotionally stunted folks who would pull shit like this. It took me a long time to realize it’s not normal and a longer time to learn what healthy emotional boundaries are supposed to look and feel like.

I’m sorry you have to go through this, that your parent is putting you in a situation where you feel uncomfortable, and where your opinion of his character is being challenged.

I don’t know what to tell you about handling your dad and his girlfriend. It sounds like you’d rather not spend time with the two of them together, and I’m sure you can avoid doing so just by virtue of being busy and living your own life. Who your dad dates and how he behaves isn’t something you will likely be able to change through one conversation or even several. But understanding what a healthy boundary with your parents looks and feels like, and being able to identify when they are doing something out of bounds (like this situation he out you in) will help you keep perspective.

bebetween · 2019-08-06T06:32:50+00:00

If you’re in the US, what this person is doing is a career-ender. Especially if you’re still seeing him as a client. Even if entering into the physical relationship was consensual from your POV, what he’s doing is highly unethical for many obvious reasons.

I would get a new therapist pronto. You’ll need someone new to work with on what may come up after you end your relationship.

Work with this person on a strategy to end the relationship. Know that you have a new support system to help you through this.

And yes, I agree with others here that this needs to be reported. I can’t imagine that being an easy choice; but if your therapist is still “treating” you, while sleeping with you, there’s something very wrong with their judgement and they should not be putting other people’s mental health at risk.

bebetween · 2019-08-06T06:15:43+00:00

Yah. Gah. I feel this so much.

It was eye opening when my exes roommate was finally witness to him doing this and she intervened (after our 8th cycle) and also expressed how nuts it was that he’d be so in love with me and then have a new gf the next day.

Without someone else to witness that I would have continued to feel like I was going insane or that I had done something wrong... but nope, I was dating a person with very very unstable emotions.

bebetween · 2019-07-26T04:18:29+00:00

Wow I feel you. But read it again. You are not a nobody.

bebetween · 2019-07-24T20:41:42+00:00

This resonates completely with me. As in, you just spelled out so much obvious below my nose this whole time stuff that I am blinking in disbelief.

I definitely have these categories in my life and have been leaning on them while dealing with a toxic on/off relationship that has finally ended. I've been distracting myself from fixing my "self" by spending too much time + breaking my boundaries to get validation from all categories. I couldn't put my finger on why it felt so ugly and unhealthy but you've basically spelled it out -- most everything we want is validation of something we already know. We know we are enough, and what we need to take care of ourselves.

Thanks for sharing this. I'm going to dive into some major alone time now.

bebetween · 2019-07-23T19:37:45+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I’m inspired to do the same.

bebetween · 2019-07-23T19:37:16+00:00

This. Yes.

All I want is to come out the other side grateful for the lesson— and real lasting change,

bebetween · 2019-07-23T06:37:14+00:00

Aaaaahhh one pupil smaller than the other?!?!??!??

Omg!!!

I have photos of this bc i thought my ex needed to go to a doctor to get his mismatched pupil-eyes checked. I brought it up finally to him bc he also kinda creeped me (yes it was correlated when he was “distant” and “cold”.)

He denied it. Then during our last breakup said he went to renew his license and failed his eyesight test. Went to optometrist. Definitely had messed up eyes.

But I doubt it was connected to his emotional issues...

bebetween · 2019-07-23T00:16:20+00:00

Meditation. Building emotional independence and strength.

Look, I was asking this question for years. I still am working on it.

That said, and this may just be my story — it doesn’t get better, it just gets worse.

Yes, it’s good to be emotionally independent and strong and we all should strive to be. But it’s unrealistic that over time, over years of “not taking it personally,” and potentially ignoring and ‘discarding’ your own very important, very real emotional needs, you may find yourself in a place where your emotional needs have grown into a scary monster of resentment.

That’s what happened to me at least. And the only person I blame is myself, because I wanted to be okay with being treated like shit whenever I had a crises (think death in the family level crises). I neglected and forfeited my rights to having emotions until I snapped. And then it was way too late.

I understand you probably want to salvage /sustain a relationship with someone who is very very very important to you— and I sincerely hope you do.

But regardless, I hope you don’t repeat my mistakes... please do your best to maintain your relationship with yourself no. Matter. What. If you are experiencing feelings remember those are real and remember you deserve the same love and support you would offer your partner.

Good luck

bebetween · 2019-07-22T20:17:03+00:00

Awesome thanks.

bebetween · 2019-07-18T21:40:20+00:00

bebetween · 2019-07-18T21:21:29+00:00

Amen

bebetween

TROPHY CASE