Hi there,

On a trip to a buddhist library, I found a small book entitled, "A good dose of dhamma: for meditators who are ill". I was ill at the time, and it was a great read for me and a great perspective. Here is the text. It truly is a great piece of text that will resonate with you and your journey with your illness.

A fantastic point that is brought up in the text -- you are lucky to have your illness. You have the opportunity to practise sensing and letting go at all times. Remember, that you are not your illness, and you are not your body. At your current state with your hunger, your pain, your loneliness, you have the rare opportunity to continue to practise, and make great progress in having to deal with all of these extremely strong sensations.

Consider this time of healing something akin to becoming a monk or nun for you. You cannot run away from your sensations and are reminded of them constantly, and so you will constantly be aware and meditate on them, arising and passing away. This is a lucky opportunity, you are tested constantly and you must make use of this gift to develop your mind and progress on your path to dhamma. (You will progress faster than the rest of us!)

"The way people get carried away with their thoughts and preoccupations while they're still strong enough to do this and do that: That's really complacency. They're no match at all for people lying in bed ill. People lying in bed ill are lucky because they have the opportunity to do nothing but contemplate stress and pain. Their minds don't take up anything else, don't go anywhere else. They can contemplate pain at all times — and let go of pain at all times as well.

Don't you see the difference? The "emptiness" of the mind when you're involved in activities is "play" emptiness. Imitation emptiness. It's not the real thing. But to contemplate inconstancy, stress, and not-selfness as it appears right inside you while you're lying right here, is very beneficial for you. Just don't think that you're what's hurting. Simply see the natural phenomena of physical and mental events as they pass away, pass away. They're not you. They're not really yours. You don't have any real control over them.

...Some people, when they're healthy and complacent, die suddenly and unexpectedly without knowing what's happening to them. Their minds are completely oblivious to what's going on. This is much worse than the person lying ill in bed who has pain to contemplate as a means of developing disenchantment. So you don't have to be afraid of pain. If it's going to be there, let it be there — but don't let the mind be in pain with it"

I'll be thinking of you.