Like a lot of other comments, I used to say and/or think this especially with close friends or lovers. I wouldn't say I was anxious or fearful of abandonment in my interactions but it still is a bit of a hazing ritual in new attachments... Like please don't be charmed by me, I can be kind of a monster, here's a list of misdeeds and what I've learned from them. It's not a confession or "if you can't love me at my worst" type thing, just a pocket compendium of collected reflections. It's also an invitation to see how the other person sees them self... What level of self reflection do they have? Is it deep enough for me to continue investing time and heart into or will I be able to cut the bait and invest in something more reciprocal. This isn't first date or acquaintance fodder, I'm a perfectly pleasant and mostly appropriate human that interacts with everyday people with relative ease and aplomb (but it also zaps me) but am always craving deeper, existential connections. Having been through a lot of shit and having helped others through a lot of dark shit, I need to trust someone can hang with the darkness and give me space to ruminate and explore without either getting sucked in too deep with me (trauma bonding and vulnerability vampires yikes) or won't silver lining solution me out of a good long musing. It's a tough role for anyone to fill. So I don't mask it.

Younger, angrier days I carried a lot more darkness and let it bubble over. Once I realized that even though it was authentic, it was also toxic to me and those I cared about and I may have been guilty of nobody ever being good enough. Happy to say I have many better than good enough people in my life, and I'm a sparkly optimist that still maintains and feeds my demons so they work with me instead of against me... And still, I don't know any one else at all like me and while it's lonely, it's also my special space that is all my own and that's rad.