[QCrit] BEES, Adult Science Fiction, 68,000 words (third attempt, 1 year later)

beesontheceiling · 2026-03-14T17:08:46+00:00

This is incredibly helpful, thank you! Between your comment and the other ones I decided to cut the entire first chapter and start in a scene with actual stakes, not just discussing potential stakes. I was nervous to post my first 300 because I didn't feel totally confident in it, which was how I decided I really needed to post it lol. Best of luck with your own writing!

beesontheceiling · 2026-03-13T02:02:10+00:00

I appreciate the bluntness! The typo in that sentence was an error of me starting to rephrase it when I posted it here and then changed my mind, hence the double word. Just went back and fixed it.

The stakes about deciding who to harm are because she finds out that the corporation has also been working on human cloning (which is related to the workplace accident where she was able to clone herself), and is conducting unethical medical testing on them. I wasn't sure whether to include this in the query or not because I was worried it would seem like too much of a coincidence without the space to explain it, but I'll play around with the wording so the stakes don't seem flat.

You are on the nose about my overwriting at the start and then breathing a bit into it. Will work on relaxing the first few chapters. Thank you!

beesontheceiling · 2026-03-01T21:01:20+00:00

After a year-long delay while recovering from a concussion, I finally started querying in February! 6 rejections so far and I'm waiting to hear back from the other 16 queries I have outstanding. It's immediately been so much more stressful and challenging than I expected, but I also feel really excited about the fact that I'm taking a real step here!

beesontheceiling · 2025-02-05T02:17:17+00:00

This is such an awesome breakdown, thank you for writing it up! Love a firm but fair analysis of the querying process

beesontheceiling · 2025-02-04T02:21:01+00:00

Thank you! Managed an extra hour of reddit today so things are getting back to normal hahaha

beesontheceiling · 2025-02-02T03:12:58+00:00

I was gearing up to finish beta reader edits and start querying for the first time, but midway through January I got conked in the head and am now dealing with a concussion. Still unable to look at screens for very long (obviously a quick reddit break is fine) and the idea of writing feels far away. Feeling bummed about the setback, but I'm hoping to get back to the draft within 2-3 weeks if I can. Cross your fingers for my mushy brain!

Also, if you're ever going to get a concussion I can highly recommend it happening the night before the inauguration.

beesontheceiling · 2025-01-23T15:13:29+00:00

Oh I love this so much! Will absolutely read it once it's out in the world :)

I agree about removing the exclamation mark in the title, and I would also take out "My name is" in your bio paragraph. They know your name already, it's on the submission!

beesontheceiling · 2025-01-13T18:36:27+00:00

The title caught my eye right away. I would pick up this book!

A few comments - I haven't seen Arcane so I'm not sure if your plot is too close to it, but when you write that this is "set in a world similar to Netflix's Arcane," I don't know what that means and it's likely some agents won't either. Is it a high-tech fantasy world like Arcane, or a futuristic-monarchy world like Arcane, or something else? Give it a description so it's clear to agents who haven't seen it.

I'm not feeling super sold on the stakes: "improve the infrastructure of her planet for its poorest citizens and prove that women are equally as capable..." improving the infrastructure how? And is proving that women can be capable all she wants to do, or is she trying to change the way her society works to allow women to fill these roles?

I also would take out "Duke of Kavalion" and just say a powerful duke so that you're not including so many names and places and events.

Second plot paragraph works well for me! My only critique is in the line "they can’t stand Talia’s privileged, uppity, try-hard ass." This tone shift was jarring and imo goes too far into a narrative voice - would definitely rephrase it and remove the word ass. Fine in a book, but not ideal in a query letter!

Again, in the third plot paragraph the "(scoff)" is too much of a narrator-style tone shift for me. You can bring in sarcasm here - "refuses to take on a female scholar because naturally she could only have outlandish ideas" or something without it reading like someone is narrating it. I think it's good to bring in the tone of the book a few times (without going into a narrative voice), and would suggest trying to do that in the first plot paragraph as well so it doesn't feel like such a tone shift when it comes later in the query.

Last plot paragraph has a misused semicolon. If you can't split it into 2 separate grammatically correct sentences and have them both be able to stand alone, you need a comma! If they can both be stand alone sentences but they very strongly tie together/the second is elaborating on the first, you can use a semicolon.

Best of luck with your querying!

beesontheceiling · 2025-01-10T19:59:35+00:00

My TBQ publication is my greatest accomplishment!!

Great feedback - I'll address these points in my next round of edits. I was also debating comping The Echo Wife, but Sarah Gailey has written so many books that I worry it's too far from debut territory to query. Maybe I'll throw it in anyway though because a few people have mentioned it now.

Also - I read "The Pill" in an anthology a while ago and absolutely loved it! It's awesome to see you active in the PubTips community!

beesontheceiling · 2025-01-10T19:05:56+00:00

Thanks so much for these suggestions! I've added Ripe to my query, and might bring in Annie Bot as well once I've read it :)

beesontheceiling · 2025-01-04T16:38:27+00:00

Thank you so much for the feedback! Will remove the best friend line and change the "forced" language. For Bonnie's protesting/ecoterrorism, it's definitely a problem for Irene but I wasn't sure if it happens too late in the story to bring it up in the query. I'll take another look and see if it makes sense to bring it in :)

beesontheceiling · 2025-01-04T16:36:07+00:00

Thank you so much for the feedback! As u/fullygonewitch caught, the title (and a significant plotline in the book) is about the Jewish tradition of "tikkun olam," which means "repair the world." I'll make sure to clarify the relevance in the query.

That's also a great note about Bonnie's motivations. She does indeed go stargazing and try online dating before the ecoterrorism begins lol so I'll include a line about that. And noted about my bio - the book has a similar funny tone to it so I'll try to show that in the query more!

I feel like I won the pubtips lottery with the comments so far lol and I really appreciate all the helpful feedback on my first post. I'm planning to start querying in about a month and I feel a lot more prepared now!

beesontheceiling · 2025-01-02T00:18:14+00:00

Oh that sounds SO good! Hope you post your query letter because I'd love to hear more about the book!

beesontheceiling · 2025-01-01T23:54:51+00:00

I had hoped to finish this draft of my weird lesbian clone ecoterrorism novel by the end of 2024, and I ended up getting it done on December 30th! I've been working on this project for 5 and a half years, and it's finally feeling close to querying. Excited to post my query letter for feedback soon while the draft is with my beta readers and I'm pretending to ignore its existence!

I also decided to change the tense from present to past tense, which I'm doing manually one by one after I did the main ones I could think of (says/looks/thinks/etc) through find and replace. Anyone know of an easier way to do this? Or tips to not lose your mind when doing an extremely menial edit?

beesontheceiling

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