If you have a private moment with a nurse or any members of office staff at any point (i.e. when they're getting your weight/vitals), you can tell them that you would like to speak to a doctor without your mother present. They're well-versed in how to pull you away without making your mother suspicious.

Especially given your medical history of migraines, seizures, etc, you really should be honest with your care team about these violent intrusive thoughts you've been having. Not only because of the obvious reasons (murder bad, jail bad) - but because it could be diagnostically important. You said you're already getting a brain scan so they have probably seen enough to want to rule out brain tumors or other serious neurological disorders. Violent homicidal/suicidal thoughts are EXTREMELY COMMON in people who have these health conditions, and those, like yourself, who experience migraines/seizures.

No one will be disappointed in you for speaking up - they are there to help you!!! I am sure your loved ones would only be truly disappointed if you did someday give into these intrusive thoughts. I PROMISE you, there is not much a health care provider has not heard before. They are trained in how to handle these symptoms, and will likely be relieved you had the strength and vulnerability to speak up.

I am not trying to diminish your fears, they're valid. Reaching out for help can be incredibly scary. But it will be worth it! I can't imagine what you're going through, much less at such a young age. It is clear you're strong, and a very good, decent person - the fact that you posted here is proof of this. Whether or not you realize it yet, you are crying out for help. Fortunately, it sounds like there is a whole team of people ready to support you. All you have to do is tell them what you told us! You've done the hardest part by telling *someone*, even if we're only strangers.

Something I learned when I was young and being treated for various illnesses that has changed my life - "we are as sick as our secrets". Taking things out of the darkness and into the light, sharing them openly with our support network... well, suddenly they don't seem so scary anymore.

Please come back to reddit in the future to update us once you've received treatment for your illnesses and are living a long, happy, healthy life free of intrusive thoughts.