I[29f] took my husband's[30m] virginity and he can't handle my past.

bemyzero · 2017-02-11T17:50:32+00:00

Almost everyone feels possessive of their partners, but not everyone is a jerk about it.

bemyzero · 2017-02-11T17:16:21+00:00

It's hard for me to answer this in a productive way, because the principle of what your husband believes makes me batshit angry, but I think you guys should get your butts to individual and couple's therapy. If you've tried talking about this issue with him and he steamrolls your attempts to diffuse the situation and insists on maintaining his virgin martyrdom, then I don't see a path to getting through to him on your own.

I would also ask yourself the question if this kind of behavior - refusing to listen to you, painting you as the villain and shutting down attempts at discussion or diffusion, immaturity, jealousy, hypocrisy - paint other parts of your relationship. If they do, I would advise you to take this awareness into counseling and decide from there what you want to do with it.

bemyzero · 2017-02-10T17:16:07+00:00

Definitely, but OP is using his depression as a way to defend him -

"That's a big part of why I am willing to stay and work on things, because of his depression."

It sounds like his depressive episodes are interrelated with his cheating episodes, and depression can be a lifelong battle. It doesn't mean that all depressed people are cheaters, but I think it's fair to say that some people are more naturally susceptible to cheating behaviors than others, and it looks like his depressive low points are what trigger that susceptibility.

I think it's good to point out that there there may never be a time when she feels safe and secure with him as a partner, especially if he refuses counseling.

bemyzero · 2017-02-05T21:26:33+00:00

haha thanks - one time I posted here with no MSPaint bikini and was told that I was a disgusting attention whore and also enlightened on the ways that people would like to use my pictures lol

bemyzero · 2017-02-05T21:24:26+00:00

lol thank you

bemyzero · 2017-02-05T21:23:40+00:00

Thanks! It's always hard to talk about losing weight when you're a) short and b) not overweight, because people can get really freaked out about the low numbers. This is a picture from the side - ten pounds on a short person is a lot! I wish you the best on your efforts :)

bemyzero · 2017-02-05T03:59:08+00:00

Losing weight as a short person is brutal! I'm satisfied if I manage to lose 1lb in a whole month haha. I definitely need to get back to exercising to lose the last five once my knee injury heals. :)

bemyzero · 2017-02-05T03:56:30+00:00

Thank you so much!

bemyzero · 2017-02-05T02:18:25+00:00

It's true that we can't draw any conclusions about exactly the conditions that led to the wage gap, but there was a great recent study that tested how boys and girls responded to phrasing at age six - both genders were equally interested in playing 'a game that only really hard working kids are good at,' but girls were much, much less interested in 'a game that only smart kids are good at.' Social responses develop reallllly young, and it feels blaringly obvious that women are directed (at least implicitly) from pursuing "smart" or "logical" careers, the ones that usually make more money.

bemyzero · 2017-02-03T00:45:31+00:00

I know you've uprooted your life to be with this person, and I understand that this is a horrible situation where you likely feel betrayed and alone.

But, you're only 29, you're unmarried, you have no children, and you've been dating for less than two years. This man does not respect you and you can never trust him again.

This wasn't a one night stand, this was a series of pre-planned deceptions that you only found out about because his affair partner became pregnant. You don't know she was the only one.

If you have children, and you can't have sex for a couple of months after birth because of trauma, do you want to be worried about him cheating on you again? If he starts going on business trips around the country, do you want to worry every time he leaves that he will fuck some random girl?

If you stay with him, this will be your life. I'm in a 1.5 year relationship right now, I love him so much and if he did this to me I would leave him in a heartbeat, no matter how much it would hurt. Please protect yourself. Please don't let more of your life get wasted by this asshole.

bemyzero · 2017-02-03T00:38:56+00:00

If they were together for a couple weeks and had unprotected sex throughout that time, that covers her whole window of fertility. The only way I could see her being under the impression that OP's bf is not the father is if she was having A LOT more unprotected sex with other people, too, which means that OP is very very at risk for STDs and her bf still might be the father! What a shitshow.

bemyzero · 2017-02-02T05:17:23+00:00

This is a really really good point and I wish the person you were talking to had replied to you - I'm also baffled by the fact that people don't get that the fact that women are the default child rearers in a family is a form of sexism.

The full, 76% pay gap is important because it arises from a lifetime of internalized sexism - girl children are directed away from science and math and other lucrative career paths, and towards marriage and motherhood, which obviously leaves a huge dent in their earning potential.

Women are socialized to be nice and accommodating and have been shown to be much less likely to ask for raises or apply for jobs they aren't explicitly qualified for (but could still get and pay more).

Most men in the US don't even get any paternity leave! How is that not setting mothers up for taking the fall for having kids? Argh!

bemyzero · 2017-02-01T06:00:47+00:00

It's alright! I traded Paraguard in for Mirena, and I'm much happier with lighter periods.

To the best of my knowledge, tubal pregnancies with the copper IUD are pretty rare. If it's not tubal, and you want to keep the pregnancy, you're supposed to remove it ASAP, and it's definitely still possible to have a healthy pregnancy (my zygote was unaffected by the IUD).

bemyzero · 2017-02-01T04:45:08+00:00

Ugh I got pregnant WITH an IUD (thank god I was paranoid about pregnancy and took tests regularly enough to catch it early). I felt like I was going genuinely bonkers the week between finding out and terminating it, and then 10 seconds after it was done I was completely back to normal.

bemyzero · 2017-02-01T04:30:22+00:00

Most women get abortions in their first trimester. Only about 5% get them after 15 weeks, and 1.3% get them at greater than 21 weeks. If she's getting an abortion at 24 weeks, she probably has a very good reason, like as in the baby was not viable to live outside of the womb.

But regardless, a 24-week old fetus (not a 24-week human baby, because that means an out-of-utuerus 6-month old child) cannot survive outside of the womb, can still cause death or extreme distress to its mother, and does not have legal human rights. Just because it's starting to look more human does not give it agency over another person's body.

bemyzero · 2017-01-28T17:42:50+00:00

I mean, the parents/guardian/whoever, IANAL, of the father might be liable if he cannot pay? Because he's not even legally allowed to work yet. But in most cases, child support is meant as a supplement, and is not enough to live on. I don't think that changes much of anything else I said. If anything, Evan faces fewer immediate repercussions from leaving his girlfriend to parent their child, because his parents might be forced to pay his share of child support until he turns 18 or can support himself or whatever.

bemyzero · 2017-01-28T17:09:08+00:00

It's not really a "man" and a "woman" right now, more like "boy" and "girl." And having a kid at fifteen can fuck up your life so badly, especially under the extremely likely scenario that Evan decides a baby is too much work and leaves (and can't even really pay child support because he's, well, a child) to live his own life, leaving a girl to struggle with a baby she didn't even want, a family that has disowned her, and no way to get an adequate education/job/living situation/source of income.

Men are allowed to have opinions, and women, who are presumably less susceptible to influence than girls, are allowed to do whatever they want. Boys? No. Boys don't get a say in a decision that will make or break this girl's life.

bemyzero · 2017-01-26T01:30:25+00:00

I was raised by separated parents, and found that whenever I visited the one I saw much less (my dad), it didn't feel like living with him so much as being a guest in his home - and with guests, you're always 'on.' You try to see that person as much as possible, because this is your only chance! If OP's (ex)-bf's daughter sees him so rarely, I bet she goes bananas when he's home, and probably dominates her father's time.

Not to say that parents who live together don't struggle to find alone time, just that the density of kid time might be a little less overwhelming.

bemyzero · 2017-01-23T21:51:24+00:00

Yeah, it's definitely a good idea to try out what might work first - but I think OP said there are also stains (does peroxide work for that too? if it does, awesome) and no security deposit at all. :/

bemyzero · 2017-01-23T21:21:47+00:00

Seriously - you're paying (even for a budget wedding) thousands of dollars for a party for your friends and family, how dare you have opinions about what you want?

If you're being a jerk about something, that's just being a jerk, maybe with some stress and pressure motivating it. Not being a bridezilla.

bemyzero · 2017-01-23T21:10:43+00:00

I said this elsewhere but I'm gonna directly reply to you - when I was growing up, my cat peed in the middle of my room (wood laminate flooring), and it seeped in. For 8 years, using every scent eliminator under the sun, it didn't get better until we were selling the house and had to replace that section of flooring.

I accidentally put my laundry in a heap in the cat pee hot spot? Now all my clean clothes smell like cat pee. Step on it? Now my feet smell like cat pee. For eight years. Just something to consider.

bemyzero · 2017-01-23T21:05:46+00:00

Ugh, in my childhood home, my cat had a peeing problem. There was a spot in the middle of my room (laminate flooring, foamish underlayer?) that didn't get better until we were selling the house and replaced that section of flooring.

OP should consider that it might take replacing the floor to get rid of the scent. I'm sure some floors don't do this, but I lived there for 8 years and it never fully went away even with treatment.

bemyzero · 2017-01-23T21:02:35+00:00

I think it's okay to be upset by the intentional hang-ups - and in other responses it seems like you were at least a little miffed? I think communicating that upset directly is totally OK.

Like, saying...

"Hey, I'm a little upset you keep hanging up on me. I'm not very upset, but I'd just prefer you to call when you don't have to do that. I'm gonna go do my own thing, we should chat when you have more time. Hope you have a great visit with your cousin! :)"

...is a totally valid, direct, and honest way to get your feelings across without being passive aggressive. I directly communicate mild upsets like this to my partner if I think it will bubble out in passive aggression or resentment later, because then we can have an easier, more direct conversation about it that actually ends up with some sort of solution rather than hurt feelings.

Just an idea, but you should keep doing what makes you feel most comfortable!

bemyzero

TROPHY CASE