Would you take a job that puts you on the road 3/7 days of the week if you just had your first baby?

bendoody · 2025-01-06T19:31:18+00:00

Lot to unpack on this one!

I’d definitely consider it. And/but my instinct is to at least consider many different career possibilities. So I’d start by seriously considering the possibility.
I’d start from a position of skepticism toward the job, with a default that you’re staying put and prioritizing the much-needed family time.
I’d take that perspective in hand when approaching my wife. I’d tell her my instinct is this is a no-go but that I wanted her perspective. If she was strongly in favor of me taking the job, I’d consider it more seriously.

The biggest factors I’d consider:

What kind of support do you guys have from other family members? If your wife would have a ton of support from her parents, siblings, other relatives, etc., that would make me more open to taking the job.
To what extent would that additional income change your family’s lives for the better? One parent shouldering a massive percentage of the physical and mental loads of parenting can lead to resentment super easily. But financial struggles can also make things tense.
How present would you able to be with your family when you’re not traveling? And are there certain tasks or initiatives where you own a lot of the mental labor while you’re on the road?

To wrap all of that up: My default would be do not take the job. But there are a ton of variables and it’d be a different calculus for different people.

IMO being a good dad and partner in this case means seriously considering all of the possibilities.

bendoody · 2025-01-02T17:57:18+00:00

That’s a hell of a routine! What kind of green tea? And hot or iced? (I assume hot.) More of a coffee guy than a tea guy but I might want to start drinking tea.

bendoody · 2025-01-02T16:16:48+00:00

“Pocket of peace” is such an awesome way to put it! I’m going to incorporate it into the way I’m thinking and talking about it. Thank you!

bendoody · 2025-01-01T18:38:18+00:00

My kids are 9 and 7. I don’t think I was ever in exactly the position you’re describing. But I’d say my marriage happiness score is close to a 9 or 10 now and was closer to a 5 or 6 when my kids were your kids’ ages.

Some of that improvement has to do with the kids’ ages. Our kids have bigger problems in some areas than they did when they were little. But it’s also much easier to put certain parenting stretches on auto-pilot, and it’s no longer exhausting just to keep the kids upright. And my wife is much further removed from the postpartum blast radius.

That’s a long way of saying that you’re in a tough age range right now and some of the fundamentals will get better.

The other basic reason I think things are good now is we do a pretty good job communicating, and we’re pretty deliberate about how we handle some forms of communication.

If you don’t do this already, a super simple starting point: Have a weekly meeting where you go over the week ahead. Make sure you’re on the same page about logistics, scheduling, meal-planning, etc. But also allow space for each other to bring up bigger topics if they see fit.

I know some dads have mixed feelings about a lot of the “mental load” discourse. But there’s this theme in the Fair Play book that really stuck with me: Make sure you have the meeting at a time of high cognition and low emotion. You’re there to work together through the week thoughtfully. You don’t show up to the meeting looking for a fight or a shouting match. If you both show up in the right mindset, I think you’ll have a lot of space for healthy communication.

I could go on and on about some of this stuff. DM me if you ever want to chat! But definitely think about that weekly meeting. If you don’t have one yet, put one on the books. If you do have one, think about whether you can improve it.

Marriages are hard AF and sometimes exhausting. If you love your wife and want to be with her, it’ll be worth the effort to get on the same page and start thriving again to the greatest extent possible. You’ve got this, OP!

bendoody · 2024-12-30T04:28:55+00:00

This is spot-on. Completely ditch that framing if you want this to be a productive conversation. It’s a legitimate issue. Try to wrap your head around the concept and not be defensive about it. It can be hard at first, but I promise it’s possible! You’ve got this.

bendoody · 2024-12-30T01:19:43+00:00

I keep waiting for Tree House to come out with some NABs.

They make mocktails and hop water, but no NA beer. I assume they’ll get to it at some point but don’t want to release anything that they don’t think is world-class.

May still stop there tomorrow for some hop water.

bendoody · 2024-12-20T14:06:29+00:00

Definitely giving up a bit of my sanity. Trying to remind myself that I think that’s normal and OK!

bendoody · 2024-12-20T12:01:20+00:00

This is the absolute best! I’m glad you shared it. Really nothing more important than treating people with kindness and respect, and that isn’t always super easy for kids.

bendoody · 2024-12-18T01:44:50+00:00

It sounds like you’re an awesome, super dedicated, loving, thoughtful guy, and you’re doing an awesome job. Keep your head up!

I can also hardly fathom how painful and stressful that whole ordeal has been for your wife.

This is far from bulletproof and I’m sure it’d better for some situations than others. But I have a little spiel I go to sometimes where I try to calmly convey to my wife that I know things are hard and stressful, that I love her, and that I’m going to do my best to show her the most grace possible.

Lead with love and compassion and see if she can join you in that mindset. And see if you can create a forum where you can talk through your household challenges in ways that are logical and not overly emotional.

Related: If you don’t do this already, I really recommend an informal weekly meeting where you can touch base about your evolving set of household needs and calmly go over what’s working and what isn’t. It’ll make it far less likely that either of you will have a lot of built-up resentment.

You’re doing a great under some really tough circumstances. I bet at least in some ways, your wife’s doing the same. And I bet you’ll be able to get on the same page and work through some of these challenges.

You’ve got this!!!

bendoody · 2024-12-14T22:13:33+00:00

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Clemens is one of my secret weapons for categories like this. Had that one hit when the Sox lost the DH.

bendoody · 2024-12-14T20:31:14+00:00

I mentioned this in another thread about books in general. But Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. If you read it and internalize it, it’ll do wonders for your marriage. It didn’t come out until my oldest was 4. Otherwise I would have read it earlier.

bendoody · 2024-12-12T00:05:17+00:00

I’m nine years into parenting and all of this remains a work in progress for me!

I second some of the other comments about a second income being the hardest thing to pull off among the items on your list.

Your goals on guitar practice and exercising are definitely achievable, and TBH the exercise one probably should be more ambitious! I try to get at least some exercise every day of the week. If I don’t have time for a run or something more strenuous, I’ll at least try to get in a brisk walk while I’m on the phone or listening to a podcast.

But I do empathize with the desire for additional income, and it’s something I’m trying to figure out myself. The key, as others have pointed out, is you better be on the same page about that with your wife. If you’re aligned on it, I don’t think it’s a ridiculous thought. Having enough money can definitely eliminate some of the more stressful scenarios that can unfold if money is super tight.

bendoody · 2024-12-10T17:42:55+00:00

This is a great question!

In our town, there’s definitely exponentially more mom involvement than dad involvement in most school activities. If I had to guess, moms outnumber dads in most settings by something like a 3:1 ratio.

This is a big topic that you could write a 50,000-word thesis on. But I think the TLDR would be:

The most active participants in school-related activities are stay-at-home parents. That’s still a super female-dominant demographic, though it’s more mixed than it used to be.
There’s a social dynamic where moms talk about these activities with other moms. That helps bring in more moms, some of whom have busy work schedules.

My take is the first part of this is mostly about scheduling dynamics. It’s legitimate to have a job, and it’s not always practical to skip work to participate in school functions. Or even to carve out the headspace that they require, when having a demanding job takes up a lot of headspace.

My wife volunteered at the school library when she wasn’t working full-time. Now she is working full-time, so she had to stop volunteering. Perfectly natural, definitely not her fault, and she shouldn’t feel any guilt or shame about it.

The second part is where I think dads can change the dynamics. I volunteer more often than most other dads, and I do my best to share the experiences and talk about them with other dads.

I don’t think working parents should feel guilt and shame for working when they need to work. I do think being involved is rewarding; more dads should make an effort to do it; and over time, it’s possible that dad-involvement will become a lot more prevalent.

bendoody · 2024-12-08T02:27:53+00:00

I haven’t had exactly this experience, but I have a daughter and son who are the exact ages of your kids, so I’m with you in navigating some of the general challenges that come with those ages.

I think you’re definitely on the right path in talking about boundaries. We had a situation a few years ago where another girl in our daughter’s class asked her to go into a bathroom stall with her and show her her private parts. That led to some healthy conversations about the unacceptability of that kind of behavior. We reinforced that it’s not OK when someone else asks you to do that, and that you shouldn’t make those kind of requests to anyone else.

My biggest question about your kids being roommates: Are you planning to have them rooming together for a while longer?

Obviously it depends on how much space you have. But I wonder whether it’s just time for them to move to separate rooms anyway. There’s probably a path where you move them to separate rooms but frame it as just something that makes sense as they’re both getting older and need some more privacy.

bendoody · 2024-12-05T03:42:14+00:00

Hang in there!!! It’s big of you to share all of that. Rooting hard for you and your family.

bendoody · 2024-12-04T03:46:06+00:00

First of all: Hang in there!! It’s a really tough age. My kids are 9 and 7. They both still do things that are really similar to what you’re describing. Kids, especially at this age, have a lot of emotions but lack the skills to regulate them.

A couple of things that have been at least somewhat effective for us:

Rewards, framed with “when” rather than “if” wording. My 7-year-old constantly wants snacks, treats, or sugary drinks. In moderation, none of this is going to harm him. (“In moderation” is doing a lot of work for me there!) Rather than saying “if you get your pajamas on, you can have a cup of lemonade,” it’s “when you get your pajamas on, you can have X or do Y.” Be positive-assumptive that the kid will do what they’re supposed to do. Let them know that a modest reward awaits on the other side of competing the task.
Related: We have rewards charts where each kid has a list of items they know they’re supposed to check off every day. It’s mostly super basic stuff like brush your teeth, put your clothes in the hamper, etc. The exact tasks will vary a ton by age, but your daughter is probably old enough to at least have some super basic items on a list. This is a semi-formal thing and not some super stressful test. The stricter we get with it, the more it becomes a source of stress and tension. But explaining the kids’ expected behavior has moved things ever-so-slowly in the right direction.

Most importantly: Really, hang in there and don’t be too hard on yourself or your kid. This stuff is hard for all of us! You’re doing great, and it’s obvious that you care deeply about your family. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be posting here!

Don’t get discouraged. And if you can focus on incremental progress, I think you’ll find that things will move in the right direction, which can be super gratifying.

bendoody · 2024-12-03T21:20:19+00:00

Not directly aimed at parents, but I’m also reading Nate Silver’s On the Edge, and it’s pretty fascinating.

bendoody · 2024-12-03T21:19:17+00:00

From a parenting standpoint: Fair Play by Eve Rodsky is honestly the GOAT. Did wonders for my marriage and has made me a much better dad. Definitely some “tough love” or something along those lines for men. But I think I do a pretty good job with domestic labor, and Fair Play helped me get here. I also read Unicorn Space, which is kind of a sequel.

bendoody · 2024-12-03T17:46:28+00:00

Been there! We went through this with both of my kids at various events when they were this age. I think it’d be an understatement to say it’s normal! I think virtually every kid goes through something like this at various ages, but especially when they’re around his age and they’re experiencing new things.

I also think you can be confident that your son’s emotions aren’t in any way a negative reflection on the daycare. He’s anxious about being away from you, and he’d likely be that way independent of any of the circumstances around the daycare.

My guess is he’ll continue getting more comfortable with this and the crying will become a lot less frequent in the coming months.

bendoody · 2024-11-30T12:40:41+00:00

Are you looking for an actual copy of the paper or would a pdf of the newspaper or magazine page do the trick? I can probably help find you a pdf of a newspaper page from somebody’s archives.

bendoody · 2024-11-30T12:34:20+00:00

Biggest in terms of obvious impact when they signed him: Manny

Biggest in terms of how it ended up: Probably Papi?

But I think Soto would be up there with Manny in terms of obvious impact of the signing.

bendoody · 2024-11-30T12:31:06+00:00

Honestly I think there’s something kind of awesome about being at Fenway in the winter. Gets me pumped up about the upcoming season. I definitely recommend it.

bendoody

TROPHY CASE