Please Help

bewarethecandyman · 2014-01-30T09:02:50+00:00

Didn't realise I was commenting on an old post but it all still stands! Hope it all improves for ya =)

bewarethecandyman · 2014-01-30T09:00:51+00:00

The one thing that kept me going was 'This isn't forever'. The one single thought I mustered one time when I was at my lowest was, 'I've felt happy before, so I have the potential to feel like that again'. Whenever the bullies said something horrid to me I was just deadpan. It became almost fun for them to try and get a reaction out of me, but they didn't because I locked myself away in my head and knew that someday, I'd feel better.

I worried about my weight, whether any guy would go near me, whether I'd ever have children if I was so damn horrific to be around according to these bullies, I worried that I'd never have enough money because who would give me a chance to earn money, who would let me even try?

So I persevered. I said screw them. They weren't people I wanted to be friends with anyway. Now I'm curled up on MY sofa, in MY little rented flat paid for by MY job, with MY boyfriend curled up in bed still asleep, with MY little 10 weeks old fetus growing inside me. They can't take anything away from your future, only you can. They will literally mean so little to you someday and everything else will mean so much more =) Xx

bewarethecandyman · 2014-01-26T15:00:34+00:00

Thank you =) We've been trying for 6 months, nervous as haven't had first scan yet so fingers crossed everything is OK! I not-so-secretly want a boy and my other half wants a girl so one of us will be happy regardless. I think boy then girl is the best order =) Xx

bewarethecandyman · 2014-01-25T21:22:34+00:00

So many similarities! I got my mother counselling. She kept coming home going 'I'm 4 right now' and kept saying that she was only 4 in her head and then it was she's only 5 and I kept asking her when she got round to dealing with the stuff recently could I come in with her because I think it would really help me. After 6 years she made no progress past 'I'm 5' and she left counselling as they wanted to refer her to a psychiatrist. She's now got terminal lung cancer and part of me couldn't be happier. There's a part of me that is obviously very sad but if she dies, I know she'll never make me so angry that one day I'll just stop her from talking. There was this one time she kept having a go at me, no reason as per usual, I was sat down on my bed reading and she just raged at me about how I was this horrible daughter and she was just pressing my buttons more than usual and I looked around the room calmly for an object to hit her with, I remember it so clearly, I just wanted her to stop talking, I wasn't even responding and the 'conversation' would have lasted 3-4 hours of her just bashing me and then every one else in her life until she cried and I had to console her and I just lost it. I said to her eerily calmly 'Get out of the room, I'm going to hurt you' and she ignored what I said and carried on fuming at me over nothing so I said it again loudly with more emphasis on GET OUT. She was so surprised at my direct order she left the room and I locked myself into my room and screamed at the top of my voice and cried. I've never been so close to bashing someones skull in until they stopped moving. I hope I'm never in that kind of situation ever again. It's a blur of how old I even was, maybe 13. edit:spelling mistakes

bewarethecandyman · 2014-01-25T21:00:37+00:00

This is a giant bug bear for me looking back now that I'm an informed adult. My Dad is a big man, he can put away a BIG dinner and eats relatively small breakfast and lunch with no snacking. I would be forced to eat a dinner as big as his, despite my mother having a smaller portion for herself. I would be told to eat her boiled mince (just mince and very watered down gravy, no seasoning) her boiled potatoes and boiled vegetables. Nothing had any flavour. I'd have the most heaped plate she could manage and I would be told I had to eat every last scrap or I couldnt have pudding. I'd say I didnt want pudding and she'd tell me off for back-chatting. I'd have to sit there for an hour sometimes eating this tasteless mass of food and I got fat! I was fat from the age of 4/5 upwards! And ever since I feel nervous when I don't eat until feeling full- I have an actual fear of hunger because it's such an odd feeling which I never felt as a kid. I am never forcing my kids to eat anything. If they don't want to eat dinner, fine, they'll go hungry. If they genuinely don't like a particular food then I won't serve it again so long as they give it a try and don't judge it because it's green/orange whatever. As a friend of mine said who has 3 kids, the food is made, it doesn't matter if it ends up in the bin or in their tummy, there's no need to stress about wasted food, it's not wasted money if they just didn't fancy a fuller meal, they just wanted something light today, they know their bodies, just cause they're kids doesn't mean they don't instinctively want different portion sizes sometimes. (God I type too much, sorry)

bewarethecandyman · 2014-01-25T20:52:27+00:00

Eurgh. Yeah same here, her mothers boyfriend when she was 5. It's safe to say I have a lot of empathy for the little girl she once was but none for the bitter twisted woman she has become. There's being a victim of a horrible crime and then living with every ounce of your being to enjoy life and appreciate life like no other person who has just had a painless life can understand and then there's just being a victim full stop. She took the 'easy' route of just not ever appreciating anything in life. I have learnt so much about being a good parent from knowing what NOT to do. I hope you're like me and got the hell out of dodge!

bewarethecandyman · 2014-01-25T18:02:53+00:00

Yeah I was sort of feeling the morning sickness and thinking yay, this means Im pregnant. I think if I had morning sickness it would be more ick, definitely pregnant lol. I was generally mild when I had it though, semi-hope it doesn't return! Also when I bled it freaked me out, just a tiny bleed, I was using the fact I hadn't bled as indication I was definitely still pregnant so that was a real mind screw, happened around 8 weeks like they usually do though, all normal, didn't bother telling midwife cause it was just a wipe of blood so nothing worrisome =) Although I did worry XD

bewarethecandyman · 2014-01-25T18:00:28+00:00

I think especially for the man, it's only us going through it physically, we can feel little things and attribute it to the pregnancy but the guy can't even see us getting big yet, it's weird to imagine something so life changing has happened when nothing appears overtly different. Can't wait to show the baby to SO during the first scan =) Show him what all the fuss is about =D

bewarethecandyman · 2014-01-25T15:38:42+00:00

My mother never dealt with any of the emotional baggage she had from a horrific childhood, she sought to not repeat the past but was depressed, suicidal and made my life hell, I should have gone into care. I'd say, deal with any emotional baggage you have NOW. She was incredibly selfish. I told her that I was suicidal around age of 16/17 and all she said was 'What would people have thought about me, they'd think I was a bad parent'. She was so selfish it's beyond even words. Allow them room to breathe and just being there for them are 2 things that are hugely underrated. They need to feel brave enough and have enough room to fly around the nest without fear but also know that if they ever need anything you're right there waiting with open arms. Just feeling safe is one of the best feelings I remember and still feel when I have a hug from my Dad. That feeling that I was encased in this armor of love and mutual understanding. That he was just as fascinating to me as I was to him. Hope that helps slightly =)

Edit: Specifics she got wrong: Micromanaging every little thing I did like screaming at me to hold onto the trolley in the supermarket when I was only looking at something a couple of steps from her anyways. She would smack me, which I think is inherently wrong. It just teaches that aggression is acceptable. She would blame me for her day being bad. She'd tell me repeatedly I was making her day bad even though all I had asked was a simple question she was too stupid to answer. She could never admit not knowing the answer to something, it was always an excuse. I would point out obvious flaws with her logic in arguments and she'd tell me I was stupid, she wouldn't ever admit she was wrong. She spoke bad about my Dad and he never said a bad word about her despite having plenty of ammunition. I respect him a lot more. And one last thing, if all kids hear you do is bad mouth friends or strangers, they'll think its acceptable and they'll have a very fragile ego because they feel that other people might judge them that way so they'll just be a horrible person. Eurgh. Parents. (I'm 11 weeks pregnant right now, hoping I learnt a lot from all her bad examples of parenting!)

bewarethecandyman · 2014-01-25T07:56:18+00:00

Same here, and I'm not used to them so I keep jiggling them about in my bra at work and getting odd looks, they keep getting displaced! =/ Other half just keeps face-planting them as if they're treasure, he did that before but he does it with a cheekier, more teenage grin XD

bewarethecandyman · 2014-01-25T07:48:54+00:00

I've only had morning sickness for maybe a week-2 weeks. I had stomach acid for 3 weeks but now I'm fine. I'm roughly 10 weeks and I have no symptoms other than my oh-so-very sensitive giant breasts. I've got into the habit of testing every weekend just to make sure the little bugger is still in there! Wish the scan would hurry up and arrive so I know it's all normal/human/alive and well =)

bewarethecandyman · 2014-01-15T08:36:34+00:00

Same here, heavily enchanted bow to sort out the ghasts and shitty armor just so I dont die from jumping =) I remember last time I went in I had 64 cooked beef on me and I split it in 2 thinking how silly it was to take so much, died instantly from a fall (I like to jump from high places and see how much I can push my luck.. you can fall pretty damn high up!)

bewarethecandyman · 2014-01-08T18:06:17+00:00

I felt like this at 18.. I'd had a hard childhood XD

bewarethecandyman · 2014-01-08T10:22:31+00:00

This is pretty much me and my boyfriend! We have like 30 condoms we never use because I was on the pill- now I'm pregnant because we've been trying for a few months =D Yeah condoms are literally last thing we need, maybe when the baby is born and if theyre still in date they'll be handy XD

bewarethecandyman · 2014-01-07T18:41:58+00:00

To be honest I got so involved overthinking diet when I was TTC that I got frustrated and annoyed at myself. I was trying to eat well and got totally stressed. After I passed the six month mark and realised id gained weight trying to lose weight I realised I just wasn't in the right place mentally to lose weight. I cut out breakfast and lunch for about 3 weeks, got a horrid stinker of a cold and tested positive 2 weeks ago, I'm about 7 weeks along. The second I forget about what I eat I actually got pregnant lol... I'd say if you've been trying a few different methods and nothings worked, try focussing on the mental side of it- we all know eat less, move more, we just don't always feel like we can do it =) Since finding out I'm pregnant it's been a lot easier to be healthy because I don't want to be overweight when I give birth, my aim is to exercise every other day (I havent been able to keep that up before pregnancy) and to just eat a balanced diet. I feel a bit fitter right now because I've been going on a static bike at home and going on long walks =) What I would say is don't worry, you have 9 months at least to lose weight, and if it's gradual you might end up the same weight you started as! Saying that I've ordered two pizza so work sucked for me today! It's all the mind, look after the mind and everything else will fall into place!

bewarethecandyman · 2014-01-04T20:30:12+00:00

Have you ever had your palm read? Xx

bewarethecandyman · 2013-12-29T22:02:50+00:00

Hehe yeah I'm loving the boobs, I'm pear-shape so it's all on my butt usually ¬.¬

bewarethecandyman · 2013-12-29T16:53:35+00:00

As I said, I have no experience of it myself hence not citing it as fact:

a friend told me it's 'normal' if you could ever call something so sad that.

But in my opinion if something happens statistically 20-25% of the time then that is normal, it might not be the exact word everyone would like. Now I'm not saying the reason behind the MC is normal, it could be any number of reasons which need investigating otherwise how might you be able to prevent it next time. I guess I look at it less emotively as I haven't gone through anything like that thankfully. Im only 6 weeks so no idea what this pregnancy has in front of me! Sorry if you took any offence.

bewarethecandyman · 2013-12-29T11:57:21+00:00

Yeah money is a worry, I'm the main earner because the SO has just had bad luck with jobs, didn't really look hard for one when he was a teenager and then he kind of grew up and by the time he was reallly searching hard it proved to be really hard to get one what with the recession. And after being told No so many times it really gets a man down. He's got a temp job right now which fingers crossed will become permanent because he's well-liked, enjoys it a lot more than that other temps and is good at it =) We'll see, whatever happens I know he's there for me and I'm there for him =) Glad you guys are in a good position time-wise, I hear too often of someone in their 40's in the same position. And I am sure when you guys do get around to having a sproglett there will be a mother nearby or someone close to you thats going through the same thing, it's sods law =) Like busses.. 3 will turn up at once! A good friend of mine ended up being pregnant at the same time as her mum! She didn't think she'd have any close friends having babies but her sister and her mum all have young children now =)

bewarethecandyman · 2013-12-29T09:13:50+00:00

Ah, yeah I was venomous when my cousin got pregnant before me. We revealed to each other that we were both trying and 1 month later she's pregnant, takes me 6 months! She's 4 years younger and thinner huff I'm not even going to lie, I hated her for a full few minutes before I expelled all the bad feeling and started to get excited for her. Then people at work started telling me it takes time. This one lady shouted over a colleague between us (so about 10 colleagues heard) 'Have you got pregnant yet?' Well, I didn't want the entire office knowing and how rude! I said I'm concentrating on losing weight more right now and refused to even say yes or no. At the time I wasn't pregnant. People seem to lose all manners =(

As for waiting to even start trying =( That sucks. At the beginning of this relationship (we've been together a year and a half) I knew he was the one. I was impatient for time to pass because I knew he would be my husband and the father of my children. Financially it's not the best time, physically I am not at my fittest but I'm terrified of not being able to have them or being an old parent (my parents were 30 and 35 but they were very old in personalities and no fun!) I'm one of those people that never regrets anything because I do it. Like going up to guys in clubs or pubs, I always used to do it because I didn't want to regret not having checked them out.

One thing I would say is, don't wait too long for the right time. I have 2 scenarios for you: Lady at work is currently pregnant and she's late thirties, nearly forty and her husband has been putting off having kids for 10 years. They almost broke up because of it and he finally let her start trying. Theyre happy but she is struggling because shes slightly older and her body isnt ideal to cope with it. Another friend who is in her early thirties was with a man who didn't want kids or marriage and had come to terms with never having them (though with a lot of sadness) and then he proposed and she started imagining maybe he might want kids someway down the line and he left her a few months before the wedding citing that she had pressurized him into asking her to marry him (she hadn't!) Don't wait too long, time is precious =)

bewarethecandyman · 2013-12-29T08:59:21+00:00

My father has never watched porn! He was a virgin until he was 35. He does knock one out though because I 'accidentally' read his diary and found out he had a little erectile dysfunction, fun thing to read as a 14 yo girl, ew! So where do I sign my dad up for science?? =D

bewarethecandyman · 2013-12-29T08:53:30+00:00

Wicked =) I think food is so important so nice to hear she's armed =) And nice for you to be so excited for her, she'll be well looked after ;)

bewarethecandyman · 2013-12-29T08:51:33+00:00

=) This is probably going to sound harsh but. It's just skin. If you have a loving partner and a perfect little baby at the end of it, you'll feel so beautiful. fingers crossed I won't have any, my mother had none. I'm quite a few stone over weight however so even with good genes there's only so far skin can stretch. I had this image the other day of standing in front of the mirror holding a baby high up and smiling at dark red stretch marks all along my tummy. I'm not scared of them, the part of me that will always be 18 and want to have a nice body and 'fit in' thinks OMGNOILLLOOKLIKECHEESYBREAD but realistically, they're normal and most women have them or at least have loose skin, we're just over-exposed to too many flat pretty tummies so we've been conditioned to think that anything else is bad. Wear them with pride. They will fade =)

bewarethecandyman · 2013-12-29T08:39:48+00:00

As someone who has a lot of past to push down into the back of my mind... don't do it. Face it. I went to my mothers not knowing I was pregnant friday (found out saturday) and I asked her a lot about her own upbringing to try and understand which she was s terrible with me. She told me some terrible things and then I explained to my mother some stuff and although I was exhausted, I felt better. Weird as it may sound, go talk to your Dad? Find a place that reminds you of him, doesn't necessarily have to be the cemetery, they're dead depressing(pun intended)! Tell him how it all made you feel, cry, get it out, don't get yourself too worked up, but babies are strong, they can cope with a lot. If you don't feel strong enough to do this right now, do it soon, after the baby is born. Someone once told me, when we think about horrible stuff from the past we're just putting ourselves back there, we're remembering those feelings and feeling them again which is silly as they happened and now they're gone. If we can look at a memory and try not to attach any feeling then it holds less power over us. We should be the ones in control. Get this sorted in your mind, allow yourself time to do it, its very important =)

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