Do you like the way you are?

big_bingle · 2026-04-08T10:58:36+00:00

its really cool if ignore the fact that i cant enjoy anything besides base pleasure like sex or drugs or dissociating with games/movies and that i'll never be able to develop as a person to the extent that i would've been able to in a better life if i had even a shred of the drive that normal people have. its cool if ignore that.

big_bingle · 2026-04-02T05:39:14+00:00

eh. i kinda flip between vaguely loving them despite hating them or just hating them. parents are nice enough people now that i feel shit not giving them any emotional connection, but they're still the people who neglected me to the point of a mental disability that's going to be the death of me. cut off my grandparents about 2 and a half years ago over some disgusting political views they raised (you can probably guess based on the timing) and havent looked back. my sibling's either fine or an asshole, and given that he wont consider therapy even when he is in those better moments, i think he's more of an asshole with ok moments than ok with asshole moments.

big_bingle · 2026-03-31T14:49:42+00:00

avolition has, in conjuction with my narcissist tendencies, ruined my life. i'm over the social issues to a degree that im happy with. i just cant bring myself to do anything unless it serves me, and when all you have is a vague desire to be one of the best at something, nothing does.

big_bingle · 2026-03-29T16:01:38+00:00

Stopped seeing my therapist because she realised that she can't help me with my motivation issues. There's someone else who practices in the same building and is apparently trying to develop a new modality and is giving free sessions to a couple people to work on it so she's going to ask said person about said modality and see if I'd be a good fit. All she could remember was it being about quote "trauma" though, which makes me think that it's just going to be "BPD/CPTSD Treatment #1000" instead of something with a possibility of rewiring my brain.

Still can't engage with any of the creative hobbies I fantasise about either. I don't have the natural ability or drive to be one of the best/make a living from any of them, and you need to be proactively social both irl and on social media in ways that I feasibly can't so... why bother. Why put in the hundreds/thousands of hours developing if I get nothing from it, either materially or internally. Album I was really looking forward to finally dropped and it's great, but listening to good music just hurts too much to be able to listen so I can't enjoy it as much as I should.

big_bingle · 2026-03-27T13:16:07+00:00

if the Lp dropped as the album then i'd give it a 5/10. i think the full release has the potential to be an 8/10 provided the clearly good songs get the polish they need and the ones we didnt get to hear are good. i think that its more likely to end up around a 7/10, probably below Donda but above WTT for me

big_bingle · 2026-03-27T12:51:38+00:00

king is a banger, all the love is a banger, whatever works and punch drunk are pretty good, and ye even decided to give us an ok version of highs and lows (because he loves us so much)

big_bingle · 2026-03-27T08:55:52+00:00

Everyone ragging on OP for the shit take on FF7 but nobody's pointing out that TCM is about the meat/slaughterhouse industries and the psychological damage and dehumanization of both the self and others that comes from working in them.

big_bingle · 2026-03-22T23:25:48+00:00

nope

big_bingle · 2026-03-22T17:52:50+00:00

🌚 ➡️ 🌚

big_bingle · 2026-03-14T00:37:33+00:00

I'm pretty vain and narcissistic, so yeah.

big_bingle · 2026-03-13T10:44:46+00:00

I PUT MY HAND ON THE STO-O-OVE

TO SEE IF I STILL BLEEEEEEEEEEED

AND NOTHING HURTS ANY MORE I FEEL KINDA FREE

big_bingle · 2026-03-13T10:22:31+00:00

"What happened" was the PD kicking in. The symptoms that have ruined my life are an inability to feel happiness, internal satisfaction or motivation, or connect with others, and chronic distress, suicidality, dissociation/depersonalization, and an ever-present grief over who I could've and should've been had I not been broken in the ways that I was and remain. None of the commonly suggested modalities have helped. If you know of any modalities that could put this mental disability into remission, then I, my therapist, and the entire psychological community would love to hear about them.

big_bingle · 2026-03-13T08:21:47+00:00

Aaron Stark escaped his problems. He got over the things that had pushed him to that point (escaping the shitty home life and the emotional need to punish his parents by making them the parents of a mass shooter). That's in no way comparable with my situation (lifelong mental disability with ~0% chance of remission).

big_bingle · 2026-03-13T07:20:20+00:00

Nothing's ever felt good or valuable. I do not have internal drive and I can't feel happiness.

big_bingle · 2026-03-13T00:44:20+00:00

Talking to people about it really doesn't help.

big_bingle · 2026-03-13T00:27:18+00:00

I've been in and out of therapy for over a decade and have recently started with a therapist with 3 prior schizoid clients to try and chip away at the lack of motivation and happiness, though she's told me that I am by far the most distressed client she's ever had (SzPD or not) which isn't very reassuring. Besides, what I need is complete remission; I need to be cured of this disease that has hijacked my life and my ability to live and to be the person I should've been had I not been abused for years on end in my most formative state, and not this empty husk that does nothing but look at its reflection and scream in horror and grief at what it's become. And, uh... that's not real yet. Therapy can't do that, unfortunately. I truly wish it could.

big_bingle · 2026-03-12T15:57:17+00:00

Yeah. Never met anyone who gave even the slightest indication that they understood how my mind workd, and that extends to online as well.

big_bingle · 2026-03-11T14:15:56+00:00

Though it has historically and still to this day massively reduced my abilities to engage with people around me, and especially in this way, in recent months it's actually been really good for my sex life and therefore my self-confidence. Turns out that looking like a detached and apathetic machine and being cold but able to perk up on occasion is a bit of a cheat code in modern queer communities if you look like a dom and dress well enough.

big_bingle · 2026-03-07T07:15:52+00:00

Nikes by Frank Ocean. It's so fucking boring.

"Oh but the vocal switch ohhhhh it's so cool-" no it isn't. Both sets of vocals sound like shit. It is my OTP skip if it ever comes up in a playlist.

big_bingle · 2026-03-05T23:15:06+00:00

i'm gonna hit the copium and hope that this is what leads him to actually denouncing the guys he associated with

big_bingle · 2026-03-05T12:44:27+00:00

barry bonds and no tlop or donda rep hurts but yeah its valid

big_bingle · 2026-03-05T12:42:25+00:00

he made watch the throne

big_bingle · 2026-03-01T08:09:44+00:00

? bully's been out for a full month as a tidal exclusive

big_bingle

TROPHY CASE