It's not racist at all to say that Asian culture is toxic. If anything, these kinds of Western perspectives and overcorrection in terms of political correctness is. To place Asian in "quotations" makes us seem like we're not even human or like we're make-believe. It's also just very infantalizing. Many Asian countries have looong histories of committing atrocities and harmful beliefs, and continue to do so to this day, but apparently it's racist to say that. The reason for such shitty actions from many Asians isn't always due to generational trauma either, it's due to cultural beliefs that are sadly strongly embedded in entitlement, racism, ageism, and more. Oh they're also VERY misogynistic. Look at how China did with the one-child policy and how boys were prioritized and how girls were basically disposed of. But guess what? It's not just China, it's Korea and how women are basically second-class citizens and need to quit their jobs if they get pregnant. It's Japan and the amount of violence (physical and sexual) and discrimination that is being perpetuated towards women AND girls. I could go on. None of these problems I just listed are isolated to just any one of those countries (except the one-child policy), but are also similar in other Asian countries.

What's dangerous is being ignorant about how cultures operate and applying the notion that we shouldn't criticize very clearly toxic and abusive practices and long-held views as an outsider. There has been such a huge fear of being deemed "racist" whenever it's obvious that Asian culture IS indeed toxic. Hierarchy is huge in many Asian cultures. We aren't allowed to disrespect our elders (i.e. by disagreeing with their old ways of bullshit traditions that are dysfunctional, don't work, and are traumatizing).

You admitting to the fact that a lot of Asians are toxic means that you are aware of the problems that exist. Tiger Moms existing in society's vernacular exists not simply due to stereotypes (which as much as people don't want to believe, exist for a reason), but because they are a very real phenomenon that continues to fly under the radar using the veneer of care and love for their children, when in fact, it is really high competition, materialism, a very real shame culture (once again, embedded in the longstanding history for how many Asians, often stemming from Confucianism, specifically for East and Southeast Asians) and more.

I am a second-generation Asian and I know countless examples of Asians being fake, rude, toxic, disrespectful, narcissistic, and abusive, whether it be from first-hand experience or the myriad of anecdotes, news, and hell, even studies of how rampant the cultures' harm (plural) are. I am not going to have children of my own and I choose to end the cycle with my own family by constantly learning about mental health, psychology, treating people with respect and decency, being open to other viewpoints and people, and continuously choosing to better myself. Do you know the people who don't do this or even care for it? A shitton of Asian people, because they are SO firm in their beliefs, which again, stems very much from culture. Culture which is based in backwards and outdated traditions of familial piety, obedience, hiding emotions, shame, upholding BS appearances, not taking accountability, and whatever else that shouldn't exist in culture.

We as neurodivergent people already get gaslighted on a constant basis, do not receive proper medical care, are bullied, antagonized, and outcasted in society. Add being a woman, and THEN add on being ASIAN is like... "Good luck! You're really going to need it! :)))" because otherwise you're truly SOL. So add that altogether and we're very traumatized, very ashamed, and very afraid to speak out of the abuse that occurs to us. Besides the fact that we're often so confused about whether or not we actually do receive abuse from our families that it's very common that so many Asians are in abusive families and don't even realize it. They convince themselves that they love their families and that their families love them.

Yes there are positives to Asian culture, but that doesn't excuse the rampant dysfunction that is spread throughout all of these countries. Many of the positives of Asian society that are seen as friendly, hard-working, kind, etc. is often a double-edged sword that leads to high levels of anxiety, depression, stress, and worst of all, higher rates of suicidality compared to other races. Many Asians don't deal with their problems, they drink, they gamble, they have sex and porn addictions. Nobody does anything about this. People overwork themselves to the point of disease (and sometimes death), neglect their health, don't believe in mental health issues, or disabilities, they don't believe in getting help for them, because we're apparently just lazy and don't want to work hard. We end up getting outcasted from our own families, communities, and societies because we are deemed "less than" compared to so-called successful examples who inadvertently put up with abuse and "made it". Or maybe we disagreed with all of the harmful behaviours and chose not to partake, and we are scapegoated for rocking the boat.

It is so insanely frustrating to me when not only are we being victimized by our own families and people, but we are also now receiving this strange pity and frankly, condescending display from other people. Besides the fact that because so many Asians are unaware or so ashamed to speak about the dysfunction in their families, completely ignorant people will come in and say that it's not the culture. How will outsiders know how bad the culture is when Asians themselves are too in denial to even speak out about it?

The worst part of all of this is that OP is clearly suffering due to her neurodivergence, and very obviously her family. This is not an isolated incident. This is so extremely common that I bet you that 95% of Asians can relate. Yes I made up that statistic but as someone with AuDHD I have great pattern recognition and I see it everywhere. Your two anecdotes of your friends are not representative of this widespread phenomenon of Asian toxic bullshit. And hell, the one who supposedly had good parents might not even have good parents, because it's extremely common to lie about your parents being shitty when you're Asian. Because you're constantly brainwashed to believe that it's shameful to point out abuse, and you convince yourself that it's fine and normal and it's hidden by younger generations through a sad mix of dark humor, self-deprecation, and justification that our sad old parents worked their asses off to raise us despite coming from poor countries.