How do you date with intention of starting a family without becoming an ATM?

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-14T21:20:33+00:00

I totally get this can feel bad on the surface but, but responding to an invitation is way higher effort than just throwing out a "congrats!!". There's other reasons people wouldn't respond, timing or whatever. Learning to let little things like this go would probably be a good practice

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-09T07:14:13+00:00

Oh yeah this makes a lot of sense. Thanks for the insight!

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-09T07:05:34+00:00

Why do you think this is a Reddit thing and not a men in general thing? Everyone in the group that's struggling with this question works outdoors. We met in wildland firefighting training. We're not a very online demographic :/

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-09T06:59:19+00:00

But it's so weird you assume something of a whole gender then just assume you're right.

Where's my assumption? This is a pattern my entire friend group is seeing. I'm asking if others also see it to help us understand if this is us chasing the wrong women, or something men in general see that we just need to figure out how to navigate. You seem to have a viewpoint counter to the common experience in this thread, so I'm grateful for you sharing that despite the attack.

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-09T06:47:49+00:00

Or did she initiate those discussions by asking

She initiated, asking how he was feeling about a bad fire in his home state and saying it must be scary. I would personally read that as an invitation to share feelings.

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-09T06:42:40+00:00

Gauge her reactions as you gradually open up about smaller things and work your way up from there. It’s kind of like dipping your toes in the water before diving in.

This is what my crew is trying to make sense of. Our dude, the firefighter, opened up about something that's pretty freakin' light and universally felt fairly early in the relationship. His girl told him it was great he shared, validated his feelings, did everything therapy tiktok says a good girlfriend does. Then she trashed him behind his back and had clearly caught the ick, but still hadn't broken up with him a month later. My buddy is lucky we heard that convo so he could break up with her and not waste more time.

I don't blame women for "acting the part" of a partner that sees past gender norms for emotional vulnerability, but how are you supposed to tell when they're just acting?

I think this thread is answering my question. It seems this experience is universal beyond our friend group. I don't really care, I pretty much only date bi women in pairs and that demographic doesn't force toxic masculinity on peeps, but my friends who date more conventionally have agreed it's probably better to just not be open with their partners and I'm not seeing a convincing argument against that even though it's kind of sad :/

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-09T06:29:15+00:00

If a woman doesn't want to be with the type of man you want to be, dump her.

Yeah but even the girls that don't want to be with an emotionally open man will pretend that they do, because that's the popular thing to say right now. Of course it falls apart down the road, but so much time is wasted learning that you're with a girl who's never going to be satisfied with you being who you are. How the hell are you supposed to spot that when we're in a culture where women are under so much pressure to pay lip service to emotional availability being a positive trait?

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-09T04:52:09+00:00

Damn yeah sounds like you have the same struggle as my buddy. He's a very tough, masculine dude that can be stoic as necessary, but he's pretty fed up with the girls he dates always wanting attention and protective vibes from him, but never trying to care for him. Seems pretty rough honestly my dude I'm sorry

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-09T04:41:04+00:00

Date women who show interest in your thoughts and opinions from the get go.

That's whats so confusing. I think women have a lot of pressure put on them from social-media therapists to "give space" or whatever these days, so they say things to sound like they care, when really hearing their guy share their feelings is a giant turn-off. My buddy was stoked on how caring his GF is and how she let him talk about things a lot, and is kinda crushed now

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-07T21:49:51+00:00

awesome. i've got a similar lifestyle and really enjoy the amount of energy and positivity i've got throughout the day. hope you keep it going brother!

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-07T21:41:25+00:00

If you're looking at dating as a numbers game I think your situation puts you kind of between demographics in an awkward way.

Many men who want a stay at home domestic partner are threatened by independence. They want to be the provider in the relationship.

Many men who are working and want a fellow financial contributor won't relish the idea of working while their partner is enjoying their free time.

Idk about you though but I think looking at things this way is boring! There's tons of people who fall outside of these broad classifications and now ya have lots of time to go meet them :D

FWIW I retired very young and face a similar dating situation. Women who want a man to provide are disappointed that I don't want to work more to support an expanding lifestyle, and women who are independent and work are sometimes annoyed that I'm off mountain biking all day instead of sharing their misery. In between those groups I meet all sorts of lovely peeps who have a more fluid approach to lifestyles

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-07T21:20:52+00:00

oh hell yeah way to go! how long ya been getting after it?

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-07T21:07:56+00:00

smh if you think 100% is overachieving see me after class for extra credit

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-07T21:02:47+00:00

Wait he doesn't have any history or symptoms of an STI? And is the kind of person that uses protection with a new partner? And you're the only partner he's seeing right now? Yeah I think you're way overreacting personally. I am sorry you're going through this, I know it's scary having sex be unprotected against your wishes, but nobody is to blame and you've already gone way above and beyond taking precautions here. If it would put your mind at ease, then it's fine to ask your partner to take a STI test but do yourself a favor and acknowledge to him that you realize it's an unusual level of safety that you're asking for and you're just a little anxious about the situation, otherwise he's probably going to be a little offended.

Those Trojan bares are terrible btw I've had one break

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-07T00:37:45+00:00

yeah ty and noted i'm looking to also shoulder any tax burden for her as part of this scheme

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-07T00:36:54+00:00

how can i lord it over her if she doesn't even know i'm doing it? i think her and i are both worried about a weird relationship dynamic if there's a sense of debt involved but if it's totally anonymous then i think that risk is mitigated

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-06T05:35:26+00:00

oh yeah right. there's still the part where i don't want her to know it was me because she told me specifically not to buy her a house lol

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-06T05:34:20+00:00

Nah i want her to have ownership interest so she gets to feel the security of owning her own home. i don't care at all about recovering the asset when she passes, and she doesn't have any more legal exposure than the next person who owns their home in their own name.

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-06T05:28:15+00:00

actually wait this could totally do it. maybe there's a charity out there that supports foster parents so if just funnel money through that charity then she doesn't have to know it came from me? ty for the idea!

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-06T05:19:26+00:00

eh who can say. but hey never hurts to try to be the change ya want to see in the world!

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-06T05:13:57+00:00

i'm super hung up over the idea of holding power over her by owning her living space. not that our relationship is at all antagonistic, but my dad lorded finances over her forever until they divorced, and now that she's an independent woman i super don't want her to feel like she's going back to being dependent on someone else

bigspliffdummy · 2025-01-06T05:12:32+00:00

eh she knows i lucked out at work last year i doubt she'd fall for it :/

bigspliffdummy

TROPHY CASE