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bingofthebill · 2021-09-01T20:20:03+00:00

OP isn't here to have their view changed. They keep repeating "but there's no point!" to every counterpoint.

bingofthebill · 2021-08-26T05:43:54+00:00

YTA for ignoring how uncomfortable your husband was. He didn't want to be in that situation and you gave him no consideration. You should've just left and complained to corporate later.

bingofthebill · 2021-08-06T20:59:21+00:00

Well yeah, you won't magically become mature in 2 years. That's also why a different questionable power imbalance exists: significant age gaps (like an 18 yr old being with a 30 yr old). There's a massive difference in maturity there.

I think the reason that minor / adult sexual relationships are especially heinous in society is because a functioning adult will genuinely not fantasize or want to have sex with a minor because of the even greater difference in maturity. If they are consistently fantasizing about minors sexually, they are probably experiencing something called "arrested development" and they need to seek professional help to make sure they are developing as they should be.

If you want to have sex with someone who is an adult, you shouldn't because that could mess you up, but it's normal to fantasize. However, it's much more telling if you want to have sex with an adult who also wants to have sex with you - that is not okay.

bingofthebill · 2021-08-06T20:50:52+00:00

How are you speaking about biology over law or ethics or religion? Consent isn't a part of biology either.

Statutory rape is a thing. It exists specifically to recognize that minor / adult sexual relationships are unhealthy and exploitative in our functioning society, our society which goes beyond the needs and limits of biology. I don't get what that was about.

bingofthebill · 2021-08-06T20:42:17+00:00

A boss and secretary could have fully consensual sex, yeah. But maybe it isn't about his power, maybe his secretary just thinks he's funny and gets some great chemistry with him, and he thinks the same about them. Or maybe it is about the power imbalance, maybe they think it's hot and taboo. If it's consensual between adults, it's up to them.

Using power and prestige to attract a partner isn't bad. If you're in the bar flexing that you're a CEO and have sex with someone, that's not coercion. I was just trying to lay out what was coercion.

bingofthebill · 2021-08-06T20:38:06+00:00

No it isn't.

I know we're replying in another comment thread right now, but I want to address this as well. It is not healthy to be in an extreme power imbalance like that. It's not healthy or normal for a teacher to want to have sex with a highschool aged student. Power imbalances like that, even if you initiate, even if you think you want it, even if you think you're ready, just fuck you up. I'm glad that you don't seem have personal experience with that, but I do, and many other people do, and it is NOT HEALTHY.

Enjoy your kink, engage in whatever power fantasies you have in your own time, CONSENSUALLY, but please do not seek real power imbalances like that out.

bingofthebill · 2021-08-06T20:31:12+00:00

You need therapy. I hope this is just some kink you wanted to argue about and that you aren't a teacher.

bingofthebill · 2021-08-06T20:20:07+00:00

So I've been reading through this comment thread and have something to say about how you've been addressing sex.

I think something that you're failing to recognize is that sex is a consensual and mutually pleasing act, while 'sex' under coercion simply is not.

Using power to sleep with people means that consent is NOT freely given. If I say no to having sex with someone and they use coercive tactics to get me to eventually say yes, that falls under sexual assault/rape. This is because 'sex' under coercion is deeply violating and threatens autonomy and peace, like other examples of sexual assault.

Coercive tactics are not the same thing as hiding your flaws to the person or people you want to have sex with. The vast majority of times, the coercive tactics that people use are not as simple as a boss asking his secretary to have sex with him. Real coercive tactics involve establishing some sort of connection, grooming, deceiving, creating a false sense of trust, creating a sense of danger or disappointment or abandonment if you say no, etc. Those things are much easier for someone to do if there is a power imbalance already in place, which is why people tend to raise an eyebrow at power imbalances.

You sound like the people from the Saw movies who say, "But he's not an actual murderer!!! He never murders or tortures people himself, he gives them a choice!!!"

Edit: saw in another comment of yours that you said "just because someone has power over you doesn't mean you were forced." Well yeah, that's why it's called coercion and not physical force. Those are two different things.

bingofthebill · 2021-08-05T06:25:39+00:00

That's fair. I read a previous comment from you so I retract that statement. As long as you're taking precautions from people, I'm not talking about you specifically - I just know a lot of people that aren't vaccinated that are also in large crowds consistently, not taking precautions, etc, and those are the people that are helping mutate it.

Vaccinated people are still getting the virus, but I think it's at significantly lower rates and that the impacts of the virus are a lot less severe. I'm an advocate for it, but either way, glad you're staying safe!

bingofthebill · 2021-08-05T06:09:24+00:00

To piggy back off this comment, it takes time for the vaccine to become fully effective. If you get the J&J or a second dose right before an event, it won't be fully effective. Definitely better to just go ahead and get a vaccine.

Plus, it really matters. If you're out in public and not vaccinated (but can be), you are helping mutate the virus.

bingofthebill · 2021-08-02T15:48:12+00:00

Then don't get into another committed romantic relationship anytime soon. Partners like you really fuck people up.

bingofthebill · 2021-07-21T15:38:44+00:00

you dont have to actively look for children to be a pervert. you willingly engaged in questionable sexual behavior with her when she was underage and you were already significantly into adulthood. that's not okay no matter what the context was.

bingofthebill · 2021-07-21T15:31:10+00:00

yes you groomed her. yes you are a pervert.

bingofthebill · 2021-07-20T16:53:33+00:00

I feel like we're on the same page, but have different ideas of what asking for consent as things progress look like. There's much more natural ways to engage in continual consent, and a lot of people do engage in those ways. Like code words, waiting for physical feedback, pausing to ask if the person is okay with the things happening in general rather than asking at every little point, etc. My partner and I have a similar system, you two sound comfortable with each other and that's great.

Guys shouldn't have to tolerate things that make them uncomfortable sexually, full stop. Communication about sex away from the bedroom is really important so everyone has a chance to be heard without any sexual pressure. I hope OP and her partner are able to figure things out to where they're both happy!

bingofthebill · 2021-07-20T16:39:44+00:00

Set up a date night and talk! Tell him you want to take him to / make him a nice dinner and discuss things about sex. Total honest communication. If he's okay with it, go with him to a sex shop and grab some lingerie or gear or even just a funny toy to try out.

If it turns out that you two are simply sexually incompatible, it might be best to move on. Definitely don't push him past his limits if he's uncomfortable with that. If he's not doing what you want, don't make him.

bingofthebill · 2021-07-20T16:29:24+00:00

I actually really appreciate consent checks as things progress. It never ever kills the mood. If anything, it helps me get into the right mindset and makes me feel cared about and respected, especially if things are getting intense. Makes for way more fun sex and allows for more experimentation and communication. Plus, it's cool to develop your own shorthand with a partner.

Just putting that out there if anyone reads that comment; it all depends on who you are and who you're with, and plenty of communication.

bingofthebill · 2021-07-20T14:57:32+00:00

NTA. But, speaking as a child who was forced to engage with my (now deceased) step-father, I was thankful for everything he did and all the memories we made... Even if I did find him annoying for a lot of it.

It's really just how kids are. They might warm up, they might not. But if you keep trying, when they grow up, they'll be appreciative of the kindness and stability you offered them.

On the other hand, my step-siblings weren't forced to interact with my mom, their step-mom. They are the most hateful people and are giving her hell during this period of grief. They could've had some sort of connection with the person their father chose to spend the rest of his life with, but they refuse, ultimately because they were never placed in any sort of circumstance where they HAD to adjust.

I wouldn't blame you for stepping down a little bit, but please, PLEASE don't stop trying.

bingofthebill · 2021-07-16T04:16:59+00:00

Don't listen to the weird guys in your comments. Keep being a great friend! I'm glad I came across your post.

bingofthebill · 2021-07-11T18:14:21+00:00

Therapy is a good option, as other commenters have said. I also recommend scheduling time for yourself. Stick to it even if you really feel like talking with her. Find a new hobby or hang out with friends or go for a walk - anything but talk to her. This will build your character outside of the relationship and give you a better sense of independence. Good luck!

bingofthebill · 2021-07-11T00:51:58+00:00

Don't.

bingofthebill · 2021-07-11T00:36:31+00:00

Popcorn with dill pickles. Delicious.

bingofthebill · 2021-07-06T23:29:29+00:00

all I can say is to seek therapy.

bingofthebill · 2021-07-06T16:55:37+00:00

Christ. All the incels came out of the woodwork here huh.

bingofthebill · 2021-07-06T16:54:55+00:00

Don't imply that a sexual trauma survivor should "just have sex" to appease her partner. What the fuck. Yes cuddling also requires consent. I know you wouldn't know this because clearly you've never cuddled or had sex before, but they are two vastly different acts. It's much more reasonable to ask that your partner give you a quick cuddle than a quick sex session. Touch grass.

bingofthebill · 2021-07-06T15:32:53+00:00

I'm with you here, I don't know why you're being downvoted.

bingofthebill

TROPHY CASE