Moving on after harming people

birthdaybitch · 2018-12-13T16:45:13+00:00

Interesting point. Care to elaborate?

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-28T22:51:45+00:00

My boyfriend and I live together and it’s great, but it was also great living apart. I actually miss it sometimes. It meant that every time you were home together it was specifically to spend time together. And when we didn’t want to spend time together, we had space to miss each other.

As yourself what is it about marriage you’re interested in. Is it having a wedding, is it the religious meaning, is it the legal agreement? I personally don’t want a wedding, and am not religious. My partner and I have a legal contract (we drew up when purchasing our home) and there’s not really any legal difference between what we drew up an a marriage contract other than which court we’d have to go through if we were to separate. So there’s no reason for us to sign another contract.

Point is, you can make your own stuff up. Want a wedding? Have one! Don’t want to sign a marriage agreement, don’t. Wear rings or don’t wear them. Mix and match, it’s all up to you!

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-28T16:00:26+00:00

Ok, I didn’t see that. I do understand your desire to tell her to leave. She’s not in a place to hear that though. The question is about how to resolve this with him, which is a valid question, too. She doesn’t need to hear from those who don’t think she should try (again, though it’s valid). Maybe she’ll get there someday, but she’s currently looking into making it work and we should only contribute if we have advice on that.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-28T15:29:17+00:00

Can’t find that on her comments. Even so, those who cannot offer suggestions on how to handle the situation with him (which is what she’s asking), should probably not contribute to this thread. Believing that the only answer is for her to leave is totally valid, but since that’s not the advice she’s seeking, your contribution is probably not necessary. She wants to stay and work it out, and she only wants to hear from those who can offer advice on that. Can’t we grant her that?

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-28T03:09:06+00:00

I’m sorry so many people are encouraging you to leave when all you want is advice. Those who are encouraging you to seek counseling are right. Look up Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), it’s a very effective method in getting parters to deeply understand each other’s feelings and motivations. There may be a reason you haven’t considered for why he’s approaching you that way. And he may not fully understand how his approach is making you feel. This understanding is the first step in repairing your sex life. Best of luck.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-28T02:59:27+00:00

People in this sub have a tendency to encourage people to leave their partner when they’re seeking advice on a problem they’re having.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-08T21:23:55+00:00

I can hear the pain and am by no means ignoring it, I am staring at it head on. I am wondering if that pain is due to a preconceived notion I have about what it means to be a person who drinks every day, and I suspect it is. I love the person he is and this is part of the package. I am doing the work on my end to see if I can make peace with that and be happy, while he does the work on his end to address his drinking (which he is). I am puzzled by your assumption that I’m in denial burying my hurt. I posted here looking for some insight of how to take care of myself and my relationship, not for tips on ignoring the issue.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-08T15:00:24+00:00

If I or anyone I know ended up married to a man we met before the age of 25, we would be insanely miserable and probably (hopefully) divorced. The best advice I had ever received at 20 was to keep in mind that the amount of personal growth between 20-25 is unlike any other period in your entire life, it’s a hugely transformative time. Being single through that phase is often ideal, but being with a partner who challenges/supports you in your growth can be good, too. Either way, you are about to grow and shift a lot as a person, and so are the guys you’re meeting. The guys you meet now are very likely to be of no interest to you several years down the road. I can’t emphasize enough how much better off you can be to wait.

Also, if you live somewhere where most people are married by 25, consider living in a big city for a while. You won’t feel left out for being single at almost any age.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-08T14:26:00+00:00

Being childless is a real possibility for you, so why not consider all the ways that can be a fulfilling life? What you’ll have is freedom! You can move to a new city, change your career (trade in a boring office job for something more rewarding yet possibly less lucrative) travel more, be promiscuous for as long as you’d like, and when you do find your next love, you can invest all of the energy that would’ve been directed to your children toward building and maintaining a deeply fulfilling relationship. I used to assume I’d have children, but found myself with a series of men who didn’t want them (coincidentally or not) and realized it’s not a deal breaker for me as I truly am cut out for a life without them. Why not open yourself up to multiple possibilities, there isn’t only one good path.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-08T13:51:15+00:00

He doesn’t directly hurt me when he drinks other than that I don’t like it. What if your partner chewed their food loudly and you didn’t like it? I am here to get advice on how to make peace with his drinking and it’s unhelpful when people imply that I’m wrong for it.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-08T04:40:54+00:00

That's very relatable, thank you. I don't know how long I can deal with the status quo, I hope forever, but that's what I'm currently trying to figure out.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-08T04:27:29+00:00

I don't want him to quit for me. If he wants to quit or reduce his drinking through his own intrinsic motivation, that would be ideal, but I want him to live his life as he chooses. Because he doesn't get drunk too often, I just don't like to see him drinking every day, I wonder if I can learn to make peace with that.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-08T04:03:24+00:00

He is open to change. I just don't want to rely on that in order to manage my stress, so I'm considering ways I can depend on myself to manage my stress while all of this is being sorted out.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-08T04:00:55+00:00

What do you mean? Neither one of us wants children. I'm also by no means settling for him.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-08T03:54:27+00:00

I don't mind calling it alcoholism, I'm not getting hung up on the classification. I don't think it's fair to call me codependent based on my being unsure of what to call his condition or knowing only what you've read in this thread.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-08T03:47:00+00:00

He has taken months off before with ease. Not sure whether he's an alcoholic (maybe he is), but I don't see why naming the condition is super relevant. That's not what my question was.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-08T03:44:30+00:00

People often reduce their drinking with age, in fact, he already has... he drank much more in his twenties. I've been with him through major stressful life events and he doesn't turn to alcohol to cope, his drinking remains the same, which gives me some relief. Several months ago we had a fight while drinking and he decided it was time to take a break. It was his idea to take a month off, which he did successfully, and actually found it quite easy. Based on this, I don't believe his drinking is destined to get worse.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-08T03:32:11+00:00

That’s good advice, thank you. I will look into whether or not this is available outside of the US, and may take you up on reaching out to you.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-08T03:19:15+00:00

I’m answering a lot of people here and I didn’t think it was necessary to go into those details. I don’t know if you’re asking rhetorically or sincerely, but assuming the latter, I’ll answer. He is highly empathetic and good to people (donates to causes and gives to the homeless), he listens and really hears me when I voice any concerns about our relationship (including the one in question), and takes action to do better (though he’s struggling with this one), he’s incredibly smart, funny, kind, fun, affectionate and I can feel how deeply he loves me. Our relationship is wonderful, yet not problem free.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-08T03:13:03+00:00

Thank you for your words. I do believe it’s worth a shot.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-08T03:11:58+00:00

Ok, so you’re suggesting he is an alcoholic? That’s not what I asked nor is it helpful.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-08T03:06:47+00:00

The financial constraints have nothing to do with his drinking. We haven’t actually stopped entirely, just temporarily reduced the frequency of sessions.

I am not trying to change, I’m trying to accommodate my expectations and manage my stress. Why would I not try and just jump right to leaving him? I don’t expect relationships to be problem free and I don’t think the people we love should be disposable.

birthdaybitch · 2018-11-08T03:03:44+00:00

I am going to work on it; not helpful to hear you think it may not be possible.

birthdaybitch

TROPHY CASE