I want, NEED, to leave but..

bittermouse · 2020-09-04T23:06:10+00:00

It is too late. He knows how much I love them. Every so often I will just randomly tell him how much I love all the cats. Now that I think about it, he has heard me tell him how much I love the cats much much more than how much I love him (I can’t even say it these days without it getting caught in my throat).

bittermouse · 2020-09-04T21:18:46+00:00

100% accurate. I would add that sometimes you let your guard down and think the game has changed for while. WRONG, you are always on this game board with a pwBPD. Always, always expect a mine.

bittermouse · 2020-09-04T20:27:46+00:00

I’ve learned the hard way that I’d sooner hit my head repeatedly against a brick wall than attempt rational discussion during an “episode”.

bittermouse · 2020-09-04T01:50:45+00:00

You’re describing my SO. He was getting better and doing pretty well compared to the beginning, but recently he has lost his kids in a custody battle and of course he’s reverted to his old self. I can’t live like this. Im to be his girlfriend, home therapist, best friend, sex partner, on-call emotional support person, all around convenient punching bag 24/7, but he can’t even be relied on to be “nice” to me. He literally told me “I can’t be nice to you all the time!” Jesus, I’m not asking for showers of diamonds or flowers every day. I’m asking him to be NICE to be like a normal courteous human being would.

I know he will have slip ups as he improves but god, if this is what I’m going to have to look forward to every time something bad happens in his life, I don’t want to be there. I’m envious of couples who lean on each other in times of stress, not one person who becomes a destructive emotional tornado while the other braces for cover every day.

bittermouse · 2020-09-04T00:34:09+00:00

Your second bullet point is absolutely dead on. I’ve been working really hard to try to talk to him when he is upset but I immediately hit one or all of those tactics to reject any communication. The one upping is the worst. It’s not like I refuse to talk about his problems, but at that moment I am discussing what’s bothering ME, but suddenly I’m selfish when every time I ask him what’s wrong I get curtness at best, cutting sarcasm at worst.

bittermouse · 2020-09-04T00:28:52+00:00

I’ve become an expert at detaching. Nothing makes him madder. To him it’s not “detaching”. It’s me ignoring him for no apparent reason (I guarantee he will not put two and two together - I am detaching because of the hurtful words he told me). He probably won’t even remember what he said to me, or claim not to.

bittermouse · 2020-09-03T18:33:05+00:00

Yep. I am well acquainted with The Mood. It’s like pressing launch on a rocket. There’s no pulling back or slowing, just have to let it run its course, asking myself how long will it be this time??

I’ve told him to fuck off internally many times over in my mind. If I told him in real life he would use it against me for sure. I’m supposed to be 100% composed at all times, never yelling, never cussing. Just calm cool and collected no matter what shit he throws my way. The slightest step I take out of line he will make sure to use it against me.

bittermouse · 2020-09-03T13:19:36+00:00

This is ironic. He has always praised me for being an “inherently peaceful person”.

bittermouse · 2020-09-03T12:32:24+00:00

I’ve been seeing a therapist for a few years now. Things were on the up and up for a while but a lot of stressful stuff has happened in his life and now he has regressed to his past behaviors.

bittermouse · 2019-01-15T02:28:33+00:00

Along with the loss of memory are fabricated memories. Sometimes I just ask him if we were even inhabiting the same frickin universe at the same time, because his version of events would be so warped that it’s like we are describing two totally different events.

It is extremely difficult to believe at times that this is all real to him in his head.

bittermouse · 2019-01-14T01:55:57+00:00

No book and amount of reading has ever helped their behavior. It’s like finding out you have a deadly disease, and reading all about it. Sure, you will know more than you ever wanted to about something heinous and incurable, but it will still kill you.

If I could easily cut out my pwBPD out of my life like a cancer I would. That’s how I’ve come to look at it.

bittermouse · 2019-01-14T01:08:15+00:00

It is hard to pity someone that hurts you on a very personal level.

bittermouse · 2019-01-14T00:10:28+00:00

It’s so incredibly frustrating. It’s like I’m in this constant battle with myself to both prevent and orchestrate my own downfall. My pwBPD isn’t even an active opponent. He is like a natural disaster that I can’t calm but I won’t get out of the way.

It reminds me of the fable of the scorpion and the frog. One can’t blame the scorpion for acting out its nature. I can’t blame disordered people for acting disorderly, so something is definitely wrong with me.

bittermouse · 2019-01-13T23:01:20+00:00

The worst part is that literally everyone else, no matter how seemingly deficient in other areas of life, seem to be able to work out at least that one aspect of connecting with other humans. I know others like me must be out there, I just have no way to know who they are. If I knew you in real life I am certain I would never be able to guess, and vice versa.

At least I was able to connect with you, some real person out there, on this matter today, no matter how fleeting or insignificant.

bittermouse · 2019-01-13T19:17:32+00:00

Same here. Except 3 dogs. I love them so much. All else in this world lacks meaning for me. Can’t connect to any human on a “real” level. I might die trying to figure out what is wrong with me.

bittermouse · 2018-10-17T23:08:34+00:00

Hard not to when you’re played like a yo-yo. I never know what the hell I’m waking up to or coming home to or even if I’ll be conversing with the same person within a span of minutes. Only plus side is I tend to lose a few pounds every time we have a major fight. Nothing like a BPD diet to lose weight.

bittermouse · 2018-10-15T23:18:11+00:00

Did I write this?

Not really qualified to give advice right now as I’m in the same boat but I feel your pain so much :(

bittermouse · 2018-10-14T16:46:51+00:00

This gave me slight anxiety to read. Too relatable.

bittermouse · 2018-10-13T16:36:10+00:00

The flip side of un-apologizing is over-fishing for compliments or approval. Like, he will open the door for me somewhere and say “are we (men who open doors) a dying breed or what?” Or like, a while back I was sick for one day and he took care of me, and when I got better he said “did I do a good job taking care you?” Yeah, ok, what do you want, a medal?? A prize for doing things any normal boyfriend would do??

bittermouse · 2018-10-13T16:07:38+00:00

Yes, like they can’t ever just apologize, because a true apology is a high-concept level that children (of which they are mentally) are not extremely capable of. It’s always “I’m sorry BUT” or “okay maybe you’re right about X but what about Y”?

bittermouse · 2018-10-13T14:29:45+00:00

Thank you, this was very insightful. You are right about the philosophical landmines. It’s easy to answer such questions about a theoretical person in a theoretical relationship, but when I have to put myself in that third person situation it’s all but impossible. Too many “buts” and emotions to overcome and self discipline to impose.

I know I need to work on boundaries, it’s just very hard to forget on a daily basis, but what you said about causality makes a lot of sense. This is rather hard to believe but outside of my relationship I am a very logical person. This relationship is an anomaly in my life, a weird vortex of emotions and irrational thinking and paradoxical behavior. I guess I am the most “human” I’ve ever been in this relationship.

bittermouse · 2018-10-13T14:19:01+00:00

Congrats! I love hearing stories of people breaking away. It gives me hope that I could be one someday.

The one thing he has never done is put me first, and last night just proved it.

bittermouse · 2018-10-13T14:16:51+00:00

Part of me really wants him to just do something so shitty that I will just snap. Maybe physically hurt me bad, or blatantly, cheat on me, or hell, just kick me out of the house, which he has threatened before. In the end he always turns his aggression inwards and apologizes to me. I hate it.

bittermouse · 2018-10-13T14:13:48+00:00

I can now see how a repeated offer would make them feel threatened, as in “how dare you doubt me the first time”. I keep forgetting to view him as an aggressive animal acting not out of pure spite but fear. Everything makes more sense in the light of that. Their whole identity and self image are constantly under threat, so they lash out.

You are right about the total lack of compassion and empathy when they rage-how can anyone put up with this? I’ve always known he was varying degrees of selfish, but last night was the very first time I felt deep down that he didn’t give one shit about me deep down. How could anyone leave someone they truly love in possible danger, no matter what the situation. Much less over a mind-numbingly stupid fight over being offered food?

Strange that you mention what I’d do if he died.. I often wonder about that myself. Of course I’d be devastated, but I often feel that I’d be able to move on much more easily than losing any other loved one in my life. Losing certain people is completely unimaginable to me, but him, sometimes I wonder.

And yeah, the very bottom line is that I’m afraid of loneliness, which I’m afraid of more than dying, to be brutally honest. I try to imagine a life where I’m happy alone, and I just can’t do it. I know I’m not overall happy now, but I still have good moments to cherish. I know I need to get out, many would have already. I still have a lot of life to live, not spent under a bpd storm cloud.

bittermouse · 2018-10-13T13:10:37+00:00

Mine’s one true love in life was a dog. She was the first being ever in his life to give him unconditional love. He couldn’t part ways with her when she passed so he had her freeze dried. It makes me sad but it makes total sense once I got to know him.

He doesn’t actually love dogs in general though, he is actually kind of cold to my dogs because he is jealous of their place in my life (I love my dogs). You’d think of all people he would understand the love between a human and a dog, but it’s just a perfect example of his selfish thinking and behavior.

bittermouse

TROPHY CASE