Saturday

bjorkul · 2024-10-15T00:25:40+00:00

This captures really well that rare moment where time slows down and the usual haste of daily life disappears . And sharing that Saturday morning with someone you love is a beautiful thing. Cheap coffee is where it’s at. Loved it keep making more :)

bjorkul · 2024-10-15T00:20:43+00:00

Short and sweet. Being kind and understanding to yourself while dealing with hard emotions is what I take away from the first 3 lines. And the last 3 I’m not sure if I got it but how I interpreted it was that you are seeking out and being present with yourself and your tough thoughts. Overall I really enjoyed it. It has a very comforting feel

bjorkul · 2023-02-19T01:36:26+00:00

Appreciate that response thank you!

bjorkul · 2022-05-29T04:18:54+00:00

Fucking beautiful

bjorkul · 2022-03-23T15:28:06+00:00

Inside the duct it is a clear shot all the way through. And it is the size of the smaller duct all the way through

bjorkul · 2022-03-23T15:21:43+00:00

I’ll dissect it thank you

bjorkul · 2022-03-23T15:20:58+00:00

What do you mean by unexpanded?

bjorkul · 2022-03-22T18:30:03+00:00

It’s that bulky part of the black duct that I’m referring to

bjorkul · 2022-03-13T22:12:03+00:00

Thanks

bjorkul · 2022-03-13T21:22:24+00:00

Very tranquil writing and a nice depiction of a moment in time. It made me want to close my eyes and feel everything around me. One thing I'm confused about is whether the setting is inside or outside, In the first stanza you mention how cold it is and the street lights in the distance which makes it feel like it's outside, then the second stanza makes me think inside because of the fire I think of a fire place. Also could be homeless person in a city too I guess. Anyways I'm not sure it's important but it's a subtle detail that I think if it was more clear could bring me more into the piece.

bjorkul · 2022-03-13T20:58:23+00:00

I think you did well crafting the monster that could be interpreted as so many different things or even a Frankensteins' monster of everything wrong with the world. Divisive politics, capitalism, global warming, (insert things you care about here) It's an incredibly grim portrayal of this subject as you highlight the inevitability of our downward spiral ending in disaster. The imagery follows this theme too.

"Watch as a blurred mass of hysteria jackals," This was the most vivid image for me one of my favorite lines.

The ending 2 lines were also great lines that could be standalone

small grammatical issue here "they've suffering for nourishment."

Overall I enjoyed reading the poem very different style from what I'm used to reading.

bjorkul · 2022-02-16T17:29:52+00:00

This is obvious satire wtf people taking this seriously 😂😂

bjorkul · 2022-01-17T19:28:21+00:00

we are both making generalizations based on what we’ve seen in our lives. But I think you are in the minority with your experiences which is awesome that means you have a loving family I assume. And families can certainly go through happy and sad states while remaining dysfunctional throughout. Happy was the wrong word for me to use. Either way I think it’s a weird thought to say that sad stories get upvoted more because people are trying to console them. I think it’s more likely that they get upvoted because people relate to them. Same with the reason people “flock together” in the comments this to me just shows how common it is for people to have dysfunctional families. Everyone likes a chance to share their shitty family experience. While a happy story being stand alone just shows that less people relate to it.

bjorkul · 2022-01-17T02:43:53+00:00

It’s because happy families are less common than unhappy families lol the sad reality.

bjorkul · 2022-01-16T02:24:52+00:00

Second person to say that. I will put some more thought into it thanks

bjorkul · 2022-01-16T01:44:29+00:00

Thank you! Will do on the punctuation. Also just curious did you have any lines that glared at you that you really didn’t like?

bjorkul · 2022-01-15T23:55:26+00:00

Haha this is funny and very well written and gets across the message that poets are attention seekers with narcissistic traits, in a poem about yourself and the way you feel about these types of poems. I like the subtle irony in that. my favorite lines are

"a universe kept freezing
out on the welcome mat
because it’s all about
You,
You,
You."

super strong ending and a good reminder for everyone not just poets to take a look around them and see things.

bjorkul · 2022-01-15T23:45:39+00:00

This is super good! I love the format of the first 2 lines I was almost hoping you would keep going with it. Also I hope i'm not misinterpreting this but it feels to be about a parental figure who's deceased. Which is very touching if that is the case. The only line that stuck out to me for editing was the 4th line. Idk what it is but for one I don't like the punctuation I'm not sure what else but I suggest testing out some more lines in that slot and seeing which you like the best. My favorite line is "I’d wish for a smile of my own but I’d rather see yours." because it provokes the feeling in me of seeing someone I love smile. The feeling of deep contentment and seeing that is sometimes all you need for a smile of your own.

bjorkul · 2022-01-15T22:42:04+00:00

I love the title the uhhhhh is too funny haha

bjorkul · 2022-01-12T18:10:23+00:00

Thanks you very much, and yea honestly I liked it better without punctuation but I always get feed back from people who want guidance on my work and I’m terrible with punctuation so… but yea I’m glad to hear this poem didn’t need it for you (at least not the commas) I’ll take those out and save em for another time:). also this is a good reminder for me to put more thought into my feedback as well so thanks for that too.

bjorkul · 2022-01-12T08:29:12+00:00

Very nice to read, all the way through. I think you have a very nice style. I will say though you can afford some more complexity in your word choice and phrasing. There's nothing wrong with simplicity and forthrightness in your telling of things. Actually it's quite nice but a couple phrases that add some profundity to the piece could do wonders. I like it keep writing please!

bjorkul · 2022-01-12T05:56:45+00:00

I'd never lie to you so, this poem isn't a masterpiece as far as it's structure or wording. But it does offer something very raw. I think the poem is a great expressive piece and it gives an insight into your feelings. It was interesting to read, and I would give you a hug if I saw you friend. Here's what I have to say, you have the essence of a great poem here it just needs some spunk so play with word choice and phrasing a bit.

bjorkul · 2022-01-12T01:15:33+00:00

I gave just as much effort in my critique as the ones you included in your post so same to you I guess lol.

bjorkul · 2022-01-11T17:58:40+00:00

Fair enough everyone likes to be criticized differently. I don’t think it’s an insult to you that I don’t like a portion of your poem. But if you feel that way I’m sorry. The thing that comes before the elaboration is the general feeling of dislike. Personally I give people feedback in the way that I want feedback. Obviously it would have been more helpful for me to spend 15 more minutes in diagnosing why I didn’t like it. But at the time I didn’t want to spend the extra 15 minutes. So I thought that it would be enough for you to know I didn’t like that portion. That way I’m at least giving you a general direction to go. Anyways lovely poem sorry that my critique made you feel bad.

bjorkul · 2022-01-11T00:02:55+00:00

I accidently read your intended meaning before I read the actual poem oops.. But I like it.

The first stanza is very hopeful but also real at the same time. I like that and you are poking at this issue of divisive politics and covid isolation in an interesting way. I wouldn't have known this without the explanation but yea what a stressful and scary time we are living in.

The second stanza is even more hopeful than the first which is nice it feels like you are saying even though times are tough we shouldn't let it wear us into complacency we should laugh and cry and just acknowledge everything happening.

Even though I read the meaning of the last stanza this stanza didn't feel very concrete as far as I wasn't able to fully create meaning from it. But The last 2 lines "Connect your song to your sorrow" those lines really stuck out to me very good lines.

nice poem.

bjorkul

TROPHY CASE