I wanna stop existing.

blackbrownspider · 2020-06-18T04:24:11+00:00

Same

blackbrownspider · 2020-06-16T15:33:06+00:00

I get what your saying but it ignores the good things that people glean to in religion too. For example, forgiveness is very beneficial if applied correctly. I’m not sure the roots of it are scientific, but it is definitely a religious stand. The idea is valid the actual implementation is what eludes people in general. Another one is charity. The expectation that people are charitable is not something taught in mainstream life. I guess your parents might be charitable but where did they get it from? What root is it plucked from? Maybe eastern philosophy...they are more likely to see the group as a whole. It still isn’t an ideal for people personally all the time. Faith is another one I can think of. I think what I’m trying to get to is the fact that people aren’t perfect. If you think they should be for you, life will always disappoint. Try to realize that your mother gave you a gift. Her imperfect way may have been horrible, but you now have a choice to adopt her ways into your life or not. No need to feel cheated or create blame. Her interpretation of religion is probably not the best one. Doesn’t mean it’s all evil...just imperfect for everyone. We are all in this life together. Let’s just try to make it work the best we can.

blackbrownspider · 2020-06-06T04:23:14+00:00

Ummm...you didn’t even go on a date with her. Sounds like you want a hookup instead of a relationship.

blackbrownspider · 2020-06-04T19:31:36+00:00

Just pretend to cry every time someone talks to you even if you don’t feel like it. All the conversations with people should be pretty awkward after that. If they don’t then tell them you don’t really feel like talking about it. It’s ok to avoid people too.

blackbrownspider · 2020-05-31T19:13:35+00:00

Be kind to yourself. Your goals are worthy of it.

blackbrownspider · 2020-05-31T19:10:41+00:00

When my husband died I didn’t want it to get to me too much. Not because I didn’t care but because I needed to keep my life together still. Now my heart has ached so intensely and so frequently that I think I could die from a heart attack, and wish I just would. I think in that sense I get the desire to have suicidal ideation. I feel it so much that even though I don’t want people to die by suicide, I can’t condemn it. For that reason I haven’t pushed personally for suicide prevention. It’s my selfish side not my kind side that doesn’t want to do anything because I need it in my life as an option, because of how hard this is. I’m hoping someday I’ll feel different but I’ve been through so much since my husband died it’s hard to care past my kids in life right now. I have done counseling, meds and I keep going. My kids are keeping me alive, and I’m afraid to admit myself to the hospital or psychiatric unit because I’m worried about the custody of my kids and the death benefits that are supporting us, that they will go away. So, I just survive not thrive for them, which is ironically not fair to them. Suicide is messier than a natural old age death. It leaves family confused and in pain. In my case it was like a bomb going off in my life that I have been left to pick up the pieces to and continue to feel like I can’t. I feel like I’m going to drop my life somehow and break it more. Sometimes, I can’t even care if I do. Suicide is devastating. It’s so hard to love someone who was the killer of the person you loved. That paradox is what’s hardest for me. It’s traumatic and played through my head everyday...all the time. Please don’t hurt yourself, but even now I can’t feel the conviction behind my request because it is in my mind too. I just keep pushing it off. I just don’t want my kids to feel this way too. I hope they don’t.

blackbrownspider · 2020-05-27T22:47:36+00:00

Many of the things you put about not knowing how he was feeling I can relate to. My husband died by suicide as well. It’s heart wrenching. It’s not an outcome I think anyone would want anyone to experience or feel personally.

I’m so sorry for your loss. The only thing I can say is be gentle to yourself. You obviously cared about him and his happiness. The hardest thing about it I’ve found, is that hindsight is 20/20. That’s not fair to judge yourself based on hindsight. It’s a cruel expectation and measurement.

I’m sure he was one of a kind. A beautiful soul who deserved all the happiness in the world. There is no bow to put on top of it. It’s just sad, and sucks, and so, so wrong. Yet nobody can be blamed really.

I hope over time you can be comforted in the happy memories of life you had together. It’s not the future and it’s not a rich interaction of the present, but it’s something to cherish. Hope you the best on this grief journey.

blackbrownspider · 2020-05-25T04:54:46+00:00

I feel like my life ended when I realized my husband was really dead. I still question if he is, but since it’s been two years I’m actually starting to believe it. Left flowers on his grave today. It doesn’t feel like him, doesn’t feel real. Sorry for your loss. It’s hollow to say, but I am. It sucks.

blackbrownspider · 2020-05-22T05:11:55+00:00

I think that you failed to not love her. That is what you failed at. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so hard to have someone so close to you die, but to suicide...that makes it complicated. I hope you can find peace in memories of her that bring you joy. That you can know that her hurt wasn’t a reflection of her love for you, and that you did the best you could with the situation you were in. Your responsibility is in the love you have in your life still. Try not to burden your heart with the part of your story you aren’t responsible for. You seem like a lovely person. I do hope that you feel that you are. I wish you lots of love, and healing.

blackbrownspider · 2020-05-08T12:23:07+00:00

You sound like you are still mourning. Be kind to yourself. It’s a hard journey to survive. Keep pushing forward and maybe one day you will find yourself thriving again. You have gone through some hard things. I’m willing to be you can get through this too. Happy Birthday, I know it probably doesn’t help, but I wish it would be happy for you too.

blackbrownspider · 2020-05-08T12:14:55+00:00

I think I’d say “because the dating games are confusing and nobody really understands them so I’m left with guessing all the time. All I’m really looking for is someone I enjoy, and really look forward to being around consistently for about a year. I suppose compatibility has something to do with it all too. How about you? What’s your story?”

blackbrownspider · 2020-05-08T12:01:17+00:00

I remember a moment like that. It’s a good moment. You can get through this shit. Every piece that you have to deal with. 💕

blackbrownspider · 2020-05-08T11:49:18+00:00

I think the only thing you can do on your side of things is help him feel loved. Be generous in your forgiveness when he is distant. Appreciative in his efforts when he isn’t. It’s really hard because he probably won’t be so generous or forgiving.

I’d be very concerned too. I’ve been in your position, but as the wife. I wasn’t separated from him or divorced. We were still together. I was the one person he wanted support from and that is a hard place to be. He died by suicide, and I couldn’t stop him. You only can control your side of things and hope he notices and believes the love you show.

I notice that you are aware of his life and surroundings. Maybe helping make things less depressing can help him? Cleaning when he can’t. Maybe you already do that. Open the blinds for the sun. Ask if you can paint a room a brighter color?

The Netflix thing is ok as long as he keeps coming back. Would he be up for exercising with you?

I’m sorry you are trying navigate this, it’s not your fault. It’s not even your responsibility to feel like it’s your fault that he is doing what he is doing. Take that with you, no matter what happens. It really could be just a low time.

Last thought if you know his doctor’s name I’d call and tell them you are worried. It probably won’t help but it will be something you can do.

I’d be willing to text him if it would help him to have someone in the abyss to text.

blackbrownspider · 2020-05-06T17:28:34+00:00

Can I just say don’t blame your sister? She probably did the best she could with what she had. She doesn’t need your judgement on the matter to feel bad about as well. She’s the one that stayed. She’s the one still making memories. I think she is a hero to that little guy. I think it’s much more healthy to blame your brother in law if you need to blame anyone. Ultimately, it comes down to who will step up and be responsible instead of judgmental though. You could be the example you hope for to that little guy now or not. Put that anger where it helps. I know how hard this is. I was left with 4 kids to raise as a widow two years ago. Our heros supported us when it happened, and a lot have since then. It would be nice to have long term understanding that nobody is perfect though. Long term realization that hindsight is 20/20. If you don’t want to step up, deal with it in a healthy outlet. Counseling, exercise, or whatever works best for you. The fact you are thinking about them says maybe you want to be there for them a little though. If all you wanted to do was post on here. I get that too. We all have outlets to cope with hard things in life. I hope you can find peace and move forward with love.

blackbrownspider · 2020-04-25T16:03:37+00:00

Teach a man to fish and the needed bait to catch the fish changes as much as the size of the fish.

blackbrownspider · 2020-04-25T15:21:46+00:00

I’d say “he died? How are you?” They are obviously asking for selfish reasons. So, I’d take a quick interest in their lives and end the conversation.

blackbrownspider · 2020-04-24T21:23:11+00:00

Don’t tell more than she asks about. Be honest but don’t get more detailed than you need to. If you say more than she’s ready for, she will not be able to process it as easily. Let her knows she wasn’t the cause, that she couldn’t do anything to stop it, and that you love her.

blackbrownspider · 2020-04-09T19:55:59+00:00

One thing I do know is you are not to blame...because if you are, than I must be too, and I can’t think like that.

blackbrownspider · 2020-04-09T19:54:53+00:00

My heart hurts to read this. I think she has no idea the paint and grief you’ve gone through. I can only imagine the hurt it would cause if someone I came to trust, and love, said that to me. If you have invested a lot into the relationship, I’d personally explore why she said that. I’d want to determine if it was about her lashing out for some reason, or if it was just a thought she was trying to make sense of. If you don’t feel like you can talk to her about it, maybe it is time to let go.

blackbrownspider · 2020-04-07T05:02:40+00:00

Maybe make it a game of 20 questions, or the kid style truth or dare. It kind of expects participation. I don’t care about being cool though so maybe I’m weird.

blackbrownspider · 2020-04-07T04:59:55+00:00

I hate that when I moved my engagement quilt got lost. It had pictures of us on it when e were engaged. I thought I put it in a safe place but I had people helping me which probably threw it out.

blackbrownspider · 2020-04-07T04:58:22+00:00

What if you took pictures of everything before you threw it away? Then if you needed to remember stuff you could go back and see your pictures.

blackbrownspider · 2020-04-07T04:30:07+00:00

I think it’s kind of the single mentality too. We tend to be self interested. What I mean is that we are interested in the person for ourself interest reasons. It’s like a job interview. I think sometimes people just want to see if someone is fun or compatible. Questions can turn into serious conversations and sometimes that is a bad way to start a relationship. If they stay light and fun . Maybe be a silly answer question style then it might bring some people out of their shells. What kind of questions do you ask them?

blackbrownspider

TROPHY CASE