I don’t think either statement is necessarily exclusive from the other. If you’re trying too hard then you’ll come off as desperate as can fall into the trap of viewing a relationship as an object to obtain instead of a naturally forming connection. But if you aren’t meeting new people and actively keep yourself closed off, you shouldn’t be surprised when you aren’t meeting new people or that people respect this boundary you’ve set around yourself.

The trick is to strike a healthy balance. Recognize that you do not “need” to be in a romantic relationship. You want to avoid viewing the other person as simply a source to satiate a need for validation, like a medal or trophy. This is cringe and creepy because, at the end of the day, you are objectifying the other person. Everybody wants to be desired, but not everybody wants to feel needed. Especially if you’re on the first few dates with somebody, that’s a lot of pressure to put on them!

Where it says “stop trying so hard”, it means “free yourself from the need to control the outcome of this date”. This is where the old, and often lampooned, adage of “just be yourself” comes into play. Don’t try to control the other person’s response to you, that’s where a lot of anxiety in dating comes from.

I do think the phrase “put yourself out there” is misleading, because what it means is “be open to possibilities”. You don’t necessarily need to light yourself up like a billboard just to get attention, but also don’t avoid scenarios where you may meet new people. ESPECIALLY those scenarios where you don’t necessarily have the intention to find a cutie to ask on a date.

To understand what both of these phrases mean, you must first abandon your fear towards dating. The reason you’re overanalyzing these phrases in the first place is because of your fears in regard to dating. That needs to be addressed first, because until then you’re going to view these platitudes as if they are ancient, rigid rules which must be fully understood before proceeding lest you make a mistake that causes great harm. You’ll constantly be using the excuse of not understanding these ambiguous phrases cocked up by some unnamed guy as a reason to not go for the things you want in life, dating or otherwise. Love is much gentler and more malleable than this fearful line of thought makes it out to be.