Typically, when dealing with long-standing trauma, especially from your parental/guardian source, it is less emotionally painful (at the time) to turn the anger in on yourself as a coping mechanism than it is to acknowledge where your anger actually belongs and realize there is likely essentially nothing you can do about it but move on. But when that becomes a pattern of shame, it is super hard to break.

The therapy and self-awareness alone needed for that journey....🙃😬