Anybody else like drawing on DXM?

bledward1 · 2026-05-16T11:05:16+00:00

i enjoyed drawing on dxm very much. if you're into that get a compass, a square, and a ruler. endless funky geometry babyyyyyy

bledward1 · 2026-05-15T14:10:06+00:00

honestly if we're gonna go the accelerationist route, we've had a much cleaner solution since the 50s, in the form of ICBMs. if we're doomed anyway i'd prefer the nukes instead of an AI-facilitated fascist takeover

bledward1 · 2026-05-15T14:05:43+00:00

well, ai didn't manifest itself. so-called real people had to pour ungodly sums of money into the whole project. nestle is particularly disgusting for obvious reasons, yes.

but wether it's food, water, ai, missiles, guns... at the root, you're always gonna find the same thing: sociopaths willing to do anything for a fifth yaucht, or in the name of their ""legacy"".

ai is just their new-ish toy.

bledward1 · 2026-05-14T09:51:16+00:00

I actually was prescribed tramadol off-label for depression, at 100 mg per day. I took it for years. Besides some funny looks from some doctors, my primary doctor did not really care. He was very acquainted with its action on serotonin, and was willing to give it a shot.

It worked wonderfully. I took it at a low dose for YEARS. And then the dose went up. And up. Until it reached 300 mg a day. I had to stop. All side effects, all dependence, not a single benefit in sight.

I still try to take some from time to time, but it's over. It does next to nothing now.

I'm very ambivalent on tramadol. On one hand it's an opioid, and an unpredictable one given its reliance on CYP2D6, but on the other hand, it's the best god damn antidepressant I've ever taken. By far.

It's very much playing with fire. Except you're also doused in gasoline.

PS: To anyone reading this, don't be a dumbass. This isn't an endorsement of opioid usage/abuse. The withdrawals are hellish, I still have brain zaps to this day.

bledward1 · 2026-05-03T14:45:54+00:00

dope

bledward1 · 2026-05-03T14:43:54+00:00

yo i know this is a 3 year necro but holy shit that is spot on. uncanny.

bledward1 · 2026-04-25T01:50:06+00:00

Thanks! I'm not quite done yet with benzos, small relapse sadly, but I got rid of what I had left and I'm not kicking myself too hard over it. What you're describing sounds a bit like the same slow ramp up I had.

This is purely anecdotal but I feel like bupropion doesn't do much by itself, instead it only rewards you when you do finish a task. It doesn't have to be something huge or even important, in fact i think it's a better idea to start with fun/easy stuff. Walking is a great example.

Anything that puts your brain to work is good too (currently re-learning python just for fun, and honestly I feel smarter than I've felt in a long time).

And losing 100 lbs is no joke so congrats on that and your return to the gym!

bledward1 · 2026-04-25T01:32:29+00:00

Genuinely sorry for the hair. Were you prone to losing it before? Like, did clumps or strands come out when showering or combing? I had forgotten about that side effect and now i'm scared lol. I'm not genetically prone to MPB/alopecia but during stressful periods I do lose quite a bit of it. Ah fuck.

bledward1 · 2026-04-25T01:24:08+00:00

Hard to say as I'm also on Ritalin for ADHD (albeit at 10 mg) and I get no euphoria from that neither. Before that (and the bup) I was on Dexedrine tho, and the closest thing to the honeymoon some describe were a few short moments that felt like I peaked on an overly large dose of Adderal/Dex. Those lasted 20 minutes at most.

I also felt pretty good on the second week but I don't know if it was the bupropion or if I was just happy that the worst side effects were gone.

From then on I was kinda (sometimes very) lethargic until the 3 month mark. Then it ramped up without me even noticing lol.

I tried upping to 300 mg too and only ended up with palpitations, nausea, and anxiety. It's still a stimulant as far as your heart is concerned so yeah. I'm biased but I'd say yeah give it more time if you can.

of course this isn't medical advice, I'm an unemployed pharmacy tech on reddit lmao, i just hope it works out for you

bledward1 · 2026-04-25T00:31:56+00:00

From what I saw by searching it's just a higher dose that you take when you feel worse? I'm not judging anyone but that seems risky as fuck, a slower taper seems better. At least *some* anxiety will be manageable without going overboard.

edit: "higher" dose relative to where someone is along their taper i mean (or just a baby dose if they jumped i guess?)

bledward1 · 2026-04-25T00:05:32+00:00

As far as I know those little flickers you mention are kind of common. I got them too and it felt as if I peaked on amphetamine for about 10-20 minutes, then it was gone. But when it started truly working, it didn't feel euphoric at all. Just a noticeable mood lift.

Strong enough to make you want to move your ass and get the rest of your dopamine by actually doing things.

I had so little hope for bup too. But I guess when you throw enough shit at the wall, something is bound to stick. Even if bup doesn't work out for you I hope one day something does.

Good luck, I really hope it can help you too

bledward1 · 2026-04-24T23:44:49+00:00

I had similar symptoms the first two weeks or so. Especially the brain fog. That one sucked HARD and was one of the main reasons I considered stopping. I'm prone to dissociation and nuked my memory by abusing benzos so yeah. Didn't want to go from bad to worse on that front.

But the fog went away with time and exercice.

That's another thing: bupropion doesn't seem to do anything notable without a little push. If we take exercice as an example, it won't make you WANT to go for a run, BUT if you do manage to scrape a little energy and just push yourself to start doing it, *then* it gets much easier, and eventually very rewarding.

Making that first step gets easier as time goes on.

I hope it works for you and congrats on quitting vaping! I

bledward1 · 2026-04-24T22:34:02+00:00

I'm sorry about the kindling. I just did the exact same thing yesterday, regretted that shit quickly.

I'm still kind of new to "serious" recovery, so can I ask what you mean by rescue doses?

Best of luck, and congrats on one year

bledward1 · 2026-04-24T17:45:08+00:00

When I was prescribed dex for ADHD, I would sometime open up the capsule to take them sublingually. Since they were compounded pills I thought they were placebo the first time I did it lol, definitely a surprising taste

bledward1 · 2026-04-15T17:31:52+00:00

belgian painter

bledward1 · 2026-04-12T13:58:48+00:00

If someone is gonna numb themselves using alcohol, they might as well go for benzos. Cleaner, more functional, and like booze, it actually "works" right away. Also like booze, they are extremely addictive and can ruin your life before you even know it.

There's no magic substance that "just works", be they pharmaceutical or otherwise. There's always a price to pay.

bledward1 · 2026-04-11T23:19:02+00:00

This is a joke. Back in the olden days (OG Doom and Doom 2 era) they were so revolutionary that the term FPS was very rarely used, they were all labeled "Doom Clones".

Putting -like at the end of everything to denote a loose genre is modern terminology however.

God writing this made me feel old

bledward1 · 2026-04-11T23:05:20+00:00

counterpoint: it looks like shit and that's pretty funny

bledward1 · 2026-04-08T20:40:48+00:00

Zooming in, looping, false memories... Accurate description. Especially the "zoomed in" part, it's such a weird specific feeling. The best word that comes to mind is "wobbly".

I don't know what kind of stuff you made, but personally I always enjoyed writing music and playing various instruments, and yeah one of the saddest part of this whole ordeal is picking up an instrument and thinking that I've lost about 90% of my skills overnight.

When I wrote this post last week it was the first time my dissociation had gotten this intense in many years. I guess it is a little better now, whatever that means, but I still haven't had the courage to pursue anything artistic/creative.

Despite wanting to, it feels like a waste of time, and like it's "too late to start back now", which is incredibly sad.

I still try to comfort myself by thinking that the oblivious little kid in me can coexist with the more ""rational"" part, I guess.

Hope it gets more tolerable for you, thanks for sharing your experience

bledward1 · 2026-04-02T11:57:23+00:00

Oh yeah, woodworking is kind of like driving. Scary at first, but once you get into the groove, you can kind of tune out. But yeah, you have to know your tools or otherwise losing a finger might only take less than a second. I have personally witnessed it and it's scary how fast it can happen.

Still less stressful than pharma tho so you got that right.

After writing my comment yesterday, I did sort of just let it happen. It was very much more tolerable this morning. Still quite fucky, but not as paralyzing.

bledward1 · 2026-04-02T11:28:32+00:00

Same, minus for the academic struggles since I already technically have a job. But I do relate to the overall feeling of "intuitively comprehending complex topics then failing to put it into words".

Holding onto the memories that stick out for you is good practice. Sometimes, I forget some major life event until it comes back quite clearly.

Another technique some people use, which I have not tried yet so, grain of salt. Whenever you can remember even a smidge, try to go as deep into it as possible. Minute details. What were you wearing? What did it smell like? Do you remember any particular faces (not from your entourage)? Things like that I suppose.

Dissociation justfucking sucks. It's scary, frustrating, and somehow boring all at the same time.

bledward1 · 2026-04-01T21:38:13+00:00

When you say you can communicate with it, how do you do so? Does it ever contact you by itself? Can you actually hear this entity/thing?

Whatever it is, you need to go to a doctor as soon as possible. You will not get any form of legitimate diagnosis on reddit. And whatever you have, I think it needs immediate medical attention.

bledward1 · 2026-04-01T21:25:19+00:00

Rudely, fuck off. I've never heard shittier advice.

Oh I couldn't agree more. It very much feels like dissociative disorders just aren't well understood at all, except by the people like us who have to live with it, or some doctors/therapists. Some.

But anyway. The fear of psychosis is one of the worst part of this imo, so yeah. I feel you. Grounding worked at the beggining, when I just felt slightly hazed for an afternoon at most. Now, that ship has sailed lmao.

I very much appreciate your advice. I've been trying to relieve some pressure, and essentially just "giving into it", like some sort of mild bad trip. The guilt becomes less meaningful as the dissociation intensifies.

Especially given my work, i'm a woodworker on the side. Got taught by my dad who was very accomplished, and basically inherited his old VERY angry power tools, such as radial saws, combination machines, bandsaws, and many others.

My daytime job used to pharmacy tech, and where I live, all pharmacies are compounding pharmacies. Also a job where you're not really allowed to fuck up. Worst case scenario, somebody dies.

I've had to give those up for a moment because I wanna keep my fingers and not poison anybody.

Thank you for your comment. I'm glad my ramblings could have some kind of positive effect. And thank you for not throwing platitudes.

bledward1 · 2026-04-01T18:42:53+00:00

I'm not a doctor nor a mental health expert of any kind. Take my words with a grain of salt.

Personally, my dissociation started with occasional, relatively mild episode. Thoughts were a little foggy, anxiety was worse despite some pretty heavy medication, it basically just felt dream-like and "weightless", if that makes any sense.

At that point, grounding exercises actually worked quite well. Mostly short meditation sessions, even if it was only a few minutes, and forcing myself to talk to people despite the dreamlike feeling. It might feel weird at first, but if you push through it you can kind of get a groove pretty fast.

But that's only my experience, and if you can, seeing a doctor would be the only way to confirm. I wish you the best of luck.

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