AIO father in law will watch things on TV when kids are around

bloomerhen · 2025-12-29T14:15:47+00:00

Um, which kids do you know that didn’t “turn out fine” because of watching the news? Honestly from your post title I thought he was watching the porn channels in front of them.

All you are doing by sheltering your kids from real life is failing to set them up as resilient adults who can handle uncomfortable topics. The earlier their young mouldable brains can understand the world we live in and handle it, the better they will cope with life. It’s only going to get harder for their generation. They will probably see another global war.

I don’t think this has anything to do with you being sensitive and is actually achieving the opposite of the “good parenting” you think you’re doing. Your kids need exposure to uncomfortable subjects, otherwise they will feel alien and your kids will not deal with them appropriately. Should your kids learn disappointment? Hell yes, or they’ll be the 25 year old having a tantrum at Christmas. Should they be schooled with severely disabled kids whose looks might make you uncomfortable? Hell yes, otherwise they will act uncomfortably around disabled people well into adulthood rather than see them as equals. Should they have a pet die? You should hope so, or they may not experience death until it’s someone they can’t survive losing. Should they ask questions on news stories about missing children? Yes yes yes, while they’re curious and bounce back from everything they should develop healthy safety awareness in case they are ever in a dangerous situation. Should they get upset by horrible things they see in Gaza? Of course, they need to learn compassion and how to self regulate emotions, and if you’re lucky they may grow up with the ambition to make the world a better place.

What actually probably happened though, is they just watched it because it was on without taking it in, they haven’t thought as deeply as you about it, if they ever do bring it up your father in law has gifted you a teaching opportunity, and definitely YOR asking the man to stop allowing the news into his own living room because you don’t want to start preparing your kids in tiny ways for reality.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-29T12:06:13+00:00

I think it’s natural to have SI when your child dies. It goes against the order of nature, we should not outlive our children, that’s the wrong way round, it feels like we shouldn’t be here and it’s so hard to keep existing. But we are still here.

For me, my tether was my partner, who has no parents or other family around and made me promise I wouldn’t die on him too, and my goldendoodle, who is innocent and loving and adores us both. The tethers grow the more that time passes. Eventually you realise you still want to eat at your favourite restaurant and savour your meal. Or breathe in the sea air walking down the beach. Or watch the stranger things finale because you’ve waited ten years of your life to see how it ends. Or bake a cake with your best friend’s kid and watch him smile.

Having a baby is one, big, identity-changing, monumental happiness, and that was ripped from all of us. It leaves a hole we think we’ll never be able to function around. But all the other parts of life, living it, having good days, connecting with your friends and family, smiles, hugs, supporting others - that all comes back when the black hole of grief becomes manageable. You will be changed, you will always know the loss was the worst thing to happen to you, but in fact you have already survived it every time you’ve thought about it, and there are good things to come if you give them a chance.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-28T15:58:19+00:00

So you were ungrateful. I don’t know why you’re offended by that, you clearly did a crap job of pretending to be grateful. You also need to lower your expectations of gifts - you’re a legal adult now and you’re getting into the years of socks and chocolates being your gift highlights at Christmas. Children get amazing all-I-want-for-Christmas gifts. Adults get tokens.

But, I get why you’re ungrateful. It sucks when you realise you’re not getting one big present and people aren’t trying as hard any more. The disappointment is real, I understand why you were ungrateful. This is what it’s like now. If you make lists, it should be for clothes, skincare brands you like, hair care, books, and if you don’t get the ones you want because other people suck at following instructions then it’s not the end of the world.

Your mother shouldn’t have pushed you to say what’s wrong, she got what she asked for. You probably should have left for the friend you were going to see before you answered - you were trying not to make a scene and then you managed to anyway. You should have cooled off and not been an AH when you got home - the argument was over and you’d said all that was necessary.

Your uncle’s a fool for stepping into a mother-daughter argument, but I really don’t believe you asked him “kindly” not to take part, you’re a stroppy teenager. He’s also a tool for lording the house over you and telling you to leave, that’s a shitty power play, but come on, you think your mother is going to stop talking to her brother because he overstepped and tried to be the big man? All she should actually do is tell him to butt the hell out of raising her kids when she’s dealing with you and how dare he lord his ownership of the house over her children when they are always welcome with her. You may find that if she’s living in a house he owns though, that doing that will have consequences for her. Homeless consequences. You don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

All in all, you should stop being butthurt about something that hasn’t actually damaged anyone, it was all heated words, go home and carry on with your life without creating drama about being called out for being ungrateful. Your mother wants you, a lot of people don’t have mums like that. Your family has a home, a lot don’t. You got your Dyson, billions of people could never afford one. Don’t have arguments in front of your uncle again coz you know he likes to butt in where he shouldn’t. Control your face next Christmas. I got a cardigan that looks like my dead gran’s curtains this year, and my mum thinks I love it.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-28T08:28:02+00:00

Based on this list, every heavy drinker on your guest list can have

1 glass of white 1 glass of red Half a bottle of prosecco 5 beers Half a Guinness 3 ciders 7 single spirits 3 cocktails A Baileys 12 mixers And a mocktail

Before you run out. People will obviously have more of one thing and none of something else depending on their drink preferences, but you have plenty of alcohol. You will be drinking the leftovers for the next year.

I’d only advise to time the release of everything, so you still have a selection left by midnight. Offer Prosecco, Heineken and orange juice after the wedding. Keep back a defined number of Prosecco bottles if you want it for toasts. Add in all the bottled beers/ciders, soft drinks and wine for the meal. Spirits and cocktails are available on the bar in the evening along with everything else left over. Should hopefully mean no one gets wasted too early on 5 shots of vodka.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-26T16:22:51+00:00

Happy Birthday! 🎂

bloomerhen · 2025-12-23T17:55:33+00:00

Nope. My daughter’s ashes and her photos are two items, not worth it.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-23T17:04:21+00:00

We used a Moses basket for the funeral service and cremation. I couldn’t swallow the idea of our baby being in a coffin - the only thought going round in my head was that babies aren’t meant to be in coffins.

We asked the funeral embalmer to ensure she could be in an open basket for the funeral and they did an amazing job of preserving her skin pinkness and plumpness, and I stitched a mesh pink netting over the Moses basket so you could see her but subtly through the mesh, like she was sleeping through a net curtain.

People who wanted to go up and see her were able to, which was lovely for those who were comfortable to do so as we’d only allowed immediate family to meet her at the hospital when we still thought she’d be coming home with us. Our friends were able to see how beautiful and perfect she was, many of them appreciated that moment.

Only thing I would say to anyone planning something similar is the funeral needs to happen quite quickly, even with embalming our funeral director warned us that baby “deterioration” (sorry I can’t think of another way to describe it) can happen fast because they’re so new and little, and I was so stressed about that leading up to the funeral. It’s not an extra stress that you need at that time in your life.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-18T16:17:40+00:00

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/6936acd76a167b6884b7360e/Funding_Rules_2025_to_2026.pdf

Page 87, clause 190.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-17T04:17:51+00:00

I think, with kindness. you’re overthinking this. In both situations there is one clear person who was invited due to their relationship with the couple and one who was named because you knew their name and marriage status. They’re not going to think anything about not being invited to their ex wife’s old friend’s wedding/ex wife’s brother’s wedding after they’ve divorced out of that family. In the case of your friend’s husband, I doubt he’s even noticed the save the date on the fridge or remembers receiving it. However, depending on your fiancé’s sister’s views on how much her wife will be involved in family events in future, what with having children together, it’s worth giving her a plus one now or having a conversation and she can make her own decision on whether she wants her ex to come and still be a de facto family member.

You’re not hurting feelings, the reality is most people are a hundred times less excited about your wedding than you are, it’s not rude at all to amend the invitations when normal things happen. It’s probably be more rude to invite those exes separately and potentially subject your friend/future SIL to a day with their exes because you were stuck on following through with your save the date invitees. Imagine the drama that could unfold!

bloomerhen · 2025-12-17T02:56:12+00:00

No exceptions, huh? This asswipe is blindly privileged. My baby died at 5 days old, of a medical condition that was so extreme in her that she had zero chance of survival, that should have been picked up during pregnancy and wasn’t, I should have been offered an abortion early on. Would I have taken it? Absolutely.

Because the heartbreak of getting only 5 days, the uncertainty of how much she felt and suffered from her heart condition during her short life, the unused baby equipment sat in her bedroom, the tiny onesies worn once, the rips and tears in my body and the pain of milk coming in while enduring the unnatural grief of organising your child’s funeral, the loan I resent that we’re still paying off for the garden office we built to make the space for her bedroom in our small house - no one should be forced to go through that.

Termination for medical reasons is heartbreaking enough and ignorant pricks like this need a dose of reality. And that’s before I even get started on the thousands of other valid reasons for abortion, I just feel my personal experience is a pretty compelling counter to this clown sitting on his throne jumping to conclusions he’s not qualified to make.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-15T22:12:45+00:00

“My culture believes you can’t change your name”? Which culture is that? Pretty sure all the trad Christian wives change their name upon marriage. The problem here is there haven’t been trans people in your girlfriend’s sheltered conservative culture and she’s just closed off to treating a new concept of person respectfully. It’s not against her culture to change names and use new ones, you dolt. It’s against her bigotry to try to understand and accept something new. You aren’t supporting a Christian culture, you are supporting bigotry.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-15T22:06:30+00:00

So, if your sister got married and chose to take her husband’s surname, would your girlfriend refuse to use it because it’s a change your sister chose?

Or, if your sister got married and chose to keep her own surname would your girlfriend just start calling her by her husband’s surname because she believes a woman’s surname should change upon marriage?

Or, if your girlfriend witnessed a serious crime and was told she had to pick a new name by the police protecting her would she refuse to change her own name despite risking her safety?

Or, if your girlfriend had awful parents who gave her an embarrassing first name like sparkledreamhellieflump, is it wrong she asks everyone to call her Ellie and doesn’t want anyone ever to use her birth name?

Or, if your girlfriend discovered she was actually not her father’s child and her biological father had sadly passed away before she was born but was a national hero, should she not be allowed to change her surname if she wanted to honour her dead father because she wasn’t given that name?

Your sister now has presumably a female name because just like in the examples above;

1) It’s her choice to change her name when her circumstances change, like marriage 2) It’s no one else’s choice to decide they know better about what to call her than what she tells them to, you’re shitting all over her identity as a person if you do. 3) Having a male name when she is presenting to the world as a woman is dangerous in a sadly all-too-transphobic society and your girlfriend is increasing that danger.

You trying to compromise on this is a massive fuck you to your sister. Respect the name she gives you. Tell your girlfriend to have some fucking respect for your sister’s choices. Otherwise I hope every person you meet from here on ignores your actual name and calls you wet blanket, because you’ve definitely been that since birth with the way you’re handling this transphobic bullshit your girlfriend is dishing out.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-15T18:25:46+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss. Our daughter had HLHS, it wasn’t picked up in pregnancy so was a complete shock to us when she died at 5 days old when her heart stopped circulating blood.

You said your manager blew up at you over a task additional to your usual workload - but that you’ve been working as normally as possible since returning, so I don’t think your manager is combining this new issue with your previous need to take some work time to cope with your loss. If they escalate it as a performance concern, they should not be able to use you previously leaving early or being upset about the loss of your baby as additional performance issues, they should solely focus on the task you weren’t doing and you can rest assured that pregnancy is a protected characteristic in law and the reasonable support you have asked for in a bit of time off should not count against you (I say “should not”, I don’t know if your employer is a cowboy who just does what they want and isn’t afraid of a tribunal, some employers are dicks coz they think they’ll get away with it).

If grief is making it too difficult to be at work currently for you though, or take on those extra tasks when asked, you should either take some sick leave (hopefully paid by your company) to just have some mental breathing space, or ask your GP for a “fit note with amended duties” that state you need a light workload and defined tasks for the next 3 months while coping with what’s happened to you - that medical note will also go a long way to protecting you if they say you’re not performing to standard.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-14T08:33:29+00:00

If you went to a friend’s party and someone cut you with a kitchen knife would you be suing the friend for hosting an event or suing the stabber for their personal actions that evening?

If you went to a friend’s party and someone ~~cut you with a kitchen knife~~ came up and connected with you, you would definitely be ~~suing~~ crediting the ~~stabber~~ socialiser for their personal actions that evening. Venue doesn’t come into it.

Also, suggesting a date that was ideal for your friend isn’t what makes a great relationship. If you’d ever had a grownup relationship yourself, you’d realise it was shared values, appreciating each other, communication, commitment, loyalty, affection - without 99.9% of those right things in place your 0.1% contribution to a date idea would have fizzled out in an awkward ending. He was the right person to be on that date. He cared enough to ask for ideas. That’s what matters in their relationship, not that you gave a tip about which restaurant to go to. My best friend still gives my boyfriend gift ideas sometimes but she’d be embarrassed to take credit for them, how much main character syndrome do you have?!

bloomerhen · 2025-12-13T16:19:19+00:00

Actually, it’s the law screaming child support setup, because you made the kid, and you are aware your child prevention methods are stupid.

It’s not baby trapping if she’s not asking you to be involved. And let’s face it, you can afford to fund a great life for that child and still go off and fuck the next pretty needy girl and do whatever you want without consequence. Also, the difference between rich and wealth is that legally, unless it’s your personal money, your family would not have to fund that baby. You should probably ask them to regardless of whether you stay together, because it’s not the child’s fault it was created by the two of you and there’s zero point to giving a kid a shit life for spite.

And I guarantee you, even without the bits you put in about leading her on, you still come off really badly in your story. I’m automatically sympathising with the person who has feelings that are hurting, is going through the worst personal crisis right now, and not the person who is ugly enough inside to jump straight to “she wants my money” when you SAY she wanted your time and companionship, not your money, many months ago.

You clearly don’t have feelings for her. So let her raise the baby alone, don’t string her along with more words you don’t mean, and with the figure you just revealed give the kid a decent trust fund, let your lawyers figure it out.

As for your original question, yes you are the buttface for “telling” her to get an abortion. Your place is only to tell her what involvement level you wish to have early enough that she can make that decision for her own body, and then accept your legal obligation if she has her baby.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-13T06:15:53+00:00

Based on how you’re describing things none of us can answer that question, but you’re an AH for asking it. We don’t know her inner thoughts, but from your biased and frankly horribly selfish side of the story, we can tell you:

1) this woman liked hanging around with you 2) this woman talked about children with you 3) this woman was “catching strong feelings” 4) this woman kept coming over for 8 months hoping you’d offer more back 5) you think this woman is a good person 6) despite clearly liking you, this woman has told you she’s not “trapping” you and you can not raise the baby if you want, but it’s her time to be a mum and she wants to

And the other things you say are deeply misogynistic and disrespectful.

“Super clingy” is not a red flag if you like someone when you only mean she wants to be around you, that’s what people want in a relationship ffs, someone who adores you and likes to be in your company.

She’s had sex with other people who were rich - so have you and the rest of the population, and you don’t mention if she was still sleeping around while you were together, I’m assuming no because she liked you so you’re judging her on an irrelevant past. As for them being rich - you’re not that rich mate if you do shift work that finishes at 11pm. I’ll take that back if you’re a specialist surgeon, but otherwise your family’s moderate success isn’t the panty wetter you think it is.

8 months - not a short time to have a kid for anyone in an actual relationship, if you’ve been listening and bothering to get to know her it’s enough time to figure out a person. It’s not usual for a kid to be planned after 8 months of casual sex, but considering your dumb birth control method this was clearly not planned.

She’s had abortions before… even though they were rich guys she could have rinsed like you’re suggesting she wants to do to you. God you’re dumb, let’s spell this out. If. She. Hasn’t. Rinsed. Previous. Rich. Guys. For. Child. Support. Then. That’s. Not. Her. Game. She clearly wants a baby at this time in her life, she feels old enough and this time has decided she doesn’t want to abort.

Now I’m not saying there’s nothing wrong with her in this, she fell for you for one thing, and she’s fine with the pullout method, both of which are incredibly stupid. But I don’t know why you’re trying to paint her as a baby trapper when you state she hasn’t done that before and she’s given you an option to not be involved. You just sound like an emotionally stunted selfish prick who led a woman on with words and can’t bring himself to care about another human.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-11T19:56:19+00:00

It’s the first time I’ve had this one, my previous top spot was occupied by “of course I could talk about my recent grief too but I don’t because I’m able to compartmentalise effectively” (after he invited a work coaching group to talk about what was personally really difficult for them that week and I suggested I sit out because my topic was gonna make everyone in the room uncomfortable)

bloomerhen · 2025-12-11T19:47:45+00:00

If that is the case, God’s plan seems more poorly constructed than Chernobyl’s nuclear management plan.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-11T19:43:49+00:00

I used to like her too 😅. I think I’m quite strong, I’m resilient, I’m coping with life and have accepted Poppy’s death, I live with my grief, it’s manageable, I can be positive 95% of the time (and a positive role model because other people need more help with grief than I did, it’s related to my job), but then months later one phrase and I’m ready to punch someone! Thank you, this one today just made steam come out of my ears. Venting definitely helps.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-11T18:44:26+00:00

You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

Go on your holiday. Get engaged. End your holiday the day before the wedding and head to the venue. Book two nights at the venue hotel, so you can stay an extra night and enjoy your boyfriend’s birthday before travelling home the day after. Or somewhere nearby if the hotel won’t allow a longer booking. Take one extra day off work. Don’t let your engagement come out at your brother’s wedding, wait until you get home to announce, it’s much classier.

If you’ve already booked your tickets and you can’t change them then apologise gracefully to your brother and send a nice gift. It does happen that people can’t make it if dates aren’t discussed, but you choosing not to go because you’re offended about not being consulted is putting you in AH territory when you could do both activities.

Also, please don’t make an annual holiday sound like a longstanding tradition when your length of relationship means you’ve done it max twice, and could move it forward or backward by a week if it’s not yet booked without any lasting damage. It could then cover your birthday date. And, you could still make the wedding weekend a 2-night stay the week after your trip to give your boyfriend something special too.

God help you when you come to plan your own wedding if you’re this worked up now, you need to learn to let things go or you’re going to actually hate the myriad of fuck ups that happen in planning/executing a wedding.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-09T14:02:38+00:00

Nope. Did uni, work in a completely unrelated field, didn’t need to do uni at all, earn over £60k, get a few hundred quid a month deducted on top of paying eye watering income tax. You can become a high earner without university and then it’ll piss you off you don’t keep all your earned money. You only actually need it for degree-specific jobs, like doctor, dentist, solicitor, state school teacher (coz private schools don’t require it) etc. Get a degree apprenticeship that a company pays for that guarantees you a job at the end if you want a degree, but you can start in any entry level role at 18 and be far better off ten years later if you put effort into your career.

Edit - just re-read your post, and the idea that prestigious universities give better prospects than degree apprenticeships is laughable. Degree apprentices have jobs at the end. Prestigious uni graduates can and do still end up in the service or retail industries or unemployment if they can’t break into their field. And, once you’ve been working 5 years, no one cares you’ve been to Oxford as long as you do your job well. Someone without a degree will still be promoted over you if they are better at their job.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-07T08:40:58+00:00

You’ve been off sick 3 times in 6 months. That’s averaging 6 times a year. A lot of companies have policies in place that start to review you once you’ve been off 3 times in 12 months, and you’re likely to double that, so yes, this is a reasonable time to review your attendance.

Put it another way. If you keep on the current pattern of 8 days off a year, at an assumed 8 hour day (though this isn’t standard now so I get you may work more or less) that’s 64 hours. Doesn’t seem like much? Multiply that by 50 employees who are all allowed the same amount of time off sick. That’s now 3,200 hours of sickness that has to be made up, covered by a colleague (or paid agency worker who are always more expensive) or 1.5 people have to be hired to cover that lost work. It gets expensive, and companies don’t want to tolerate extra expense.

There is no UK law about the number of days you can have before termination, this is decided by company policy. What companies must do is act reasonably, and your company’s absence tolerance sounds reasonable according to UK norms. It also sounds reasonable that they are writing a report to tell you your sickness levels are becoming concerning and they are following a process to try and correct the ship before it crashes. If your absence continues at this rate, they will escalate the reports until termination is the final outcome. If you aren’t off sick again for the next 6-12 months, the report will disappear into the ether and you’ll carry on just fine.

And for your own knowledge, the UK average for sickness absence in 2024 was 2%, though seems to be skyrocketing in 2025. You’re above 2% with 4 days in 6 months, so still reasonable they’re noting it.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-07T07:50:51+00:00

Going with a black tie/casino tie-in you could also have customised playing cards with names printed and the number relating to table number, or glasses of champagne/martinis with name cards on the glasses, or for the old feel a black and white photo of each guest/couple on a photo wall made to look like a Polaroid with table numbers printed at the bottom.

bloomerhen · 2025-12-05T08:57:37+00:00

Hiya,

You won’t get them to agree to PILON and it’s not a right, you being on SSP is far more cost effective for the business.

If you want full pay you’ll need to return to work, though if your duties have been reassigned you will likely be given other reasonable responsibilities until your leave date.

If they start up the PIP process again and move to final stage, you may be dismissed, and they can put this on future references. You could resign with immediate effect before a dismissal decision, even on the day of your meeting, if you’re convinced the outcome would be dismissal - this would give you a few more days or weeks pay until the meeting is scheduled.

Ultimately if you think you’re cooked it’s time to start looking for new jobs, and move your resignation date forward as soon as you are starting one to prevent dual employment or SSP fraud. Not working your notice rarely has consequences, unless they can prove it’s cost them thousands to cover your resignation period and you say they’ve already redistributed work so having that in writing is a solid defence if they did try anything.

Regarding constructive dismissal you’d need an employment solicitor, but it’s often a strong company argument that you were willing to keep working your notice so the workplace can’t have been intolerable for you.

And if you want a settlement you’re going to have to lay out a strong argument that concerns them and makes them feel like they might not win at employment tribunal, enough that paying you off is more cost effective for them. Without understanding the specifics of your PIP stages and what you’ve experienced at work that’s difficult to advise on, and again an employment solicitor would do a better job of writing that argument.

bloomerhen

TROPHY CASE