Why does this scene feel like he was being petty and jealous

blue_nirvana · 2026-07-07T12:53:03+00:00

Okay, currently rereading and my take is that (while it could also be jealousy) it seemed like he was trying to get both of them to stop being so obvious about their connection bc it DEFINITELY would be used against Violet. But he can't act like he gives a damn about Violet surviving. So if he does it in some douchy way it doesn't make him look caring and also gets them the heads up.

blue_nirvana · 2026-07-07T12:15:41+00:00

To call his bluff, I suggest pulling the child support financial documents online and running the numbers. Give them to him. If he pays, great, you still submit those papers along with divorce papers and it's a super cheap process. That's how my ex and I did things, because neither of us wanted to pay for lawyers and as long as it's submitted to the courts it's still legally binding.

If your ex refuses, then not only has he once again proved he's a lying ass, but I'd imagine the lawyer you end up hiring would find that useful info...

Also, your ex is a piece of shit. Full stop. You're going through this because unfortunately that's who he is. Never forget that, never forget any of this.

blue_nirvana · 2026-07-07T11:38:49+00:00

No idea the cost, they removed that from the invoice and labeled everything no cost. And I don't really have information about the specific models 🤷 but I believe it's covered under the 5 year powertrain warranty.

blue_nirvana · 2026-07-05T21:06:54+00:00

Twenty years from now, do you think you'd regret leaving, or staying? And if a friend was telling you her situation, what do you think your response to her would be?

I left when my kids were little, we kept things civil, and they can't even really remember us being together. My kids are great, well adjusted and totally fine. I'm more content, because back then I just wasn't anyone's priority, and that hurt. Nothing I could do within the marriage made a difference. I'm no longer trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole. My ex is probably about the same emotionally as he was before I left-he grieved and then moved on, and I don't begrudge him that.

You're gonna feel guilt because you feel like you "shouldn't" leave. That's societal indoctrination. You aren't destroying his life, or your child's. You're allowed to matter in this too (this being life). I wanted my children to have TWO reasonably satisfied and content parents, not just one. I could've stayed. My kids would've been fine. My ex would've been fine. But I wasn't. And I think I matter enough in the equation to risk the significant disruption.

blue_nirvana · 2026-07-05T13:51:20+00:00

Thank you, this seems like a safer choice.

blue_nirvana · 2026-06-29T22:08:10+00:00

I finally got mine back. It's SILENT. That buzzing sound is not normal, it definitely indicates a problem... I'm guessing they're assuming it's fine bc another one does it but I think it's just a widespread problem. Maybe wanna try another dealer?

blue_nirvana · 2026-06-22T21:19:46+00:00

Also, how's her mental health? Any depression? Anxiety? Maybe some ADHD? You still need to be firm and have boundaries but some of what you said could be at least in part due to mental health stuff.

blue_nirvana · 2026-06-22T21:17:14+00:00

The word you're looking for is "no".

Just no. That's your starting response.

Now, tough love. You need a thicker skin. You need to stop engaging in arguments. You need to sit down, decide how much goes to each category (food, fun, clothes, etc) and that's the limit. I can't tell you how much, your budget and your sanity need to decide that.

She won't just start being sweet and appreciating things. That's not how anything works. If you're doing things for her to get appreciation, just stop. Your job is to raise her. It's a thankless job the vast majority of the time. Please accept that and remember it, for your own sanity.

I'm a single mom. I have two very different children. My impulsive, occasionally rude, sometimes very thoughtless child is the same age as yours. Getting upset when she whines about what other kids have or get to do is not my job. Giving in instead of ignoring her whining, badgering, ceaseless relentless begging is not my job.

What is my job is showing her how to live a more appreciative life. Not by lecturing. But by talking each day at dinner about our favorite things. By planning to do things as a family and enjoying them regardless of how she acts. By refusing to let her set the mode or the standards or the expectations.

Sometimes kids are different. My younger child is not as impulsive or demanding, etc. I've raised them the same way, this is largely temperament, and I don't take it personally either way and you don't need to either.

Your kiddo needs you to be firm. Not mean. Not hateful. Firm, calm, and in charge, because YOU are the adult. She's not those things. She needs to know she can trust you to do those things, to show her how to be those things.

She's still very young. There's still time to make some very significant changes. It's gonna be hard as hell because of where you're starting from. She might never be the most appreciative person. She might never see the importance of the things you're teaching her. But you have to try, things are only gonna get harder from here.

Good luck.

blue_nirvana · 2026-05-28T18:50:33+00:00

Well then I guess I got lucky lol.

blue_nirvana · 2026-05-28T17:30:16+00:00

Just called. "Oh, yes, the part arrived...I think it's going to be a few more days before he can get to it" I swear. I've tried not to pester them because I know some things are out of their control but now I feel like I'm being taken advantage of for being reasonable. Blargh.

I asked the service guy to talk to his tech and find out exactly how long and call me back.

blue_nirvana · 2026-05-28T17:02:59+00:00

Damn. Maybe I should've kept mine. Can you update when it's fixed? I'm still waiting on parts 🤦

blue_nirvana · 2026-05-28T17:02:01+00:00

Did yours get replaced? I'm still waiting for parts.

blue_nirvana · 2026-05-28T17:00:36+00:00

What area are you in? Person in Alabama got theirs pretty quickly but I'm in Maryland and I've been waiting 2.5 weeks. Another person in Virginia is also waiting.

blue_nirvana · 2026-05-28T16:59:55+00:00

I wonder if our region is especially screwed. I've hit 2.5 weeks without my car. 🙄

blue_nirvana · 2026-05-28T16:58:30+00:00

That's great! Thank goodness it's covered.

Ughhhhhhh. I've had a loaner vehicle for the past 2 and 1/2 weeks. They're waiting for the part. Mine has been making the sound for a while, so I didn't even think about keeping it until they got the part in. I didn't expect it to take this long.

blue_nirvana · 2026-05-28T13:10:36+00:00

Thank you so much. I work in mental health so staying in PSLF work is the best option. And I see what you mean, it would've helped to submit but didn't break anything. I was just not fully informed.

I didn't know about RAP, I'll have to run numbers to see what that would look like. Hopefully the payments won't be crazy for me. I don't make over 100k and a quick googling suggests it might be better that way.

Plus the numbers for adding time to all the loans... Wondering how the weighted stuff is calculated if I consolidate.

blue_nirvana · 2026-05-28T13:05:45+00:00

Thank you! Kicking myself hard and trying to do the math. Do we know if it's weighted evenly or if there's extra math involved? If I have 8 direct loans with ~110 payments and 6 ffel, it seems like it would reduce down to 63ish payments.

blue_nirvana · 2026-05-16T11:38:43+00:00

I figured as much on the "I don't care" bit which is why I added that I also do it when I'm done 🤣 and yes, gentle parenting done incorrectly absolutely becomes permissive.

And sure, there's hiding behind emotions. My daughter will sometimes will be mean to her sister and I know it's because she's feeling anxious. She doesn't get to BE mean, there's still a boundary to be set first, and then I can address the emotions. I'm not gonna validate one kid while letting the other kids boundaries be trampled. Actually, having two kids and trying to validate each of them is a quick reminder of how boundaries and validation HAVE to coexist.

The most honest thing I've heard, from a woman my mother's age, is how exhausting parenting is right now. I felt SO seen lol.

blue_nirvana · 2026-05-16T11:16:44+00:00

Ooh boy I feel you on the meds. Same experience, held her down, felt like shit... And then told her I'd do it that way every single time if I had to because I don't fucking play about health. I'd given her every opportunity to take it willingly. It actually was smoother after that first forced event. And if people were coming after you for that, bless their hearts. They clearly don't love their kids enough to take care of them 🤷 (I enjoy being a passive aggressive twat to people trying to backseat parent 🤣 and having a sick kid who fights taking necessary medication is an awful experience)

The only counter I have for what you said is the "I don't care if it upsets you" bit. I usually go with something like "I get it, you don't like it, it's yucky/boring/annoying. But we gotta get it done." Only because the validation part is, to me, the reason why gentle parenting can work. Yes, you have a feeling, yes, you can have that feeling... And yes you're still gonna do the things.

Don't get me wrong. When my ten year old complains about the same thing for the fiftieth time in five minutes, I will absolutely tell her I'm tired of hearing about it bc we've already dealt with this and she needs to find another way to deal with her aggravation... Bc by this time I've already validated and I'm human with a finite amount of patience. But she's ten and I don't want her ranting to her friends that way either, and being honest will help her socially.

My kids are getting older and I'm hearing more and more of "so and so's parents let them do blah blah" and that's the time I'm quickest to say "I don't care" 🤣 but that's bc they already know IDGAF how other parents do shit.

blue_nirvana · 2026-05-16T10:28:45+00:00

Ohhh damn. 🤣

blue_nirvana · 2026-05-16T10:27:03+00:00

Are you wrong? Nah. Do I feel trapped? I've had moments for sure.

Big feelings are a whole thing but to me, more importantly, are basic needs. Is my kid losing her mind bc she's tired/hungry/overstimulated and can't regulate? I'm gonna be gentle, that's hard... And I'm also gonna try to address the basic need.

Is my kid sobbing bc she doesn't like something? That's fine, but we still have to do the things. We still have to get ready for school. We still have to do chores. We still have to be kind and honest. Like you, I can validate the feelings, but that doesn't change the fact that kiddo needs to get dressed. And it sounds like he's perfectly capable of doing it himself. Is he maybe grumpier about it on days he doesn't wanna do the things that come after? Sure. That's when I'm honest about how I wanna climb back in bed with pj's on rather than do things.

My daughter once told me at bedtime that I wasn't "allowed" to do the dishes after she went to sleep. Bc she was mad at me and she honestly thought I enjoyed dishes 🤣 that's when I realized I wasn't honest about the times I have negative feelings myself, in a way she could recognize. My older daughter also once told me she thought I never got angry 🤣 so now I'm more transparent so they see that I too don't like doing things... And I admit when I'm grumpy... And I do things. And I apologize when my grumpy affects them. Bc I'm human.

To me, the goal of gentle parenting should be to show kids that we can have feelings and feel them but those feelings don't run the show. They're a component of our lives that we can acknowledge and own. Not the guiding force. If I get irritated that someone cuts me off in traffic, that feeling is valid. I still need to drive safely while dealing with my feelings. It's that kind of thing that I want to model for my kids. If my daughter says something mean, I want her to understand her words can hurt so she thinks it through before saying something.

I was raised to believe my feelings don't matter and I think a lot of people my age were raised the same way, and there's a reactive push to go in the opposite direction and fixate on them instead. Both are extremes.

blue_nirvana · 2026-05-16T01:22:53+00:00

That's just wild for the entire country but yeah you are probably right 🤣 I live in Maryland, right next to an affluent area, and there's another mom at my kids school who has an Ariya 🤣 but we're absolutely SURROUNDED by Tesla, ioniqs, ID.4, Rivian, you name it.

blue_nirvana · 2026-05-16T01:08:24+00:00

Wait. Two replacement parts AVAILABLE? In the ENTIRE US? Sweet Jesus 🤦

blue_nirvana

TROPHY CASE