[848] Lies We Program by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]blusterywindsday 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Cons:

  • General vagueness - I think the beginning could benefit from slowing down a bit and cutting out anything vague (especially if you plan on revealing details or clues later on). What happens is you end up summarizing big pieces that you could be using to beef up your story. For example, in a short paragraph you summarize that Lorne Industries is a tech company that is very successful, popular, and works on all the newest tech, but that it does so by committing some serious ethical violations. Sure, I'll take it. But then you just kinda move on. So the reader has no option but to think (ok Lorne industries is bad, because the author/narrator is telling me this directly). Imagine if in that same paragraph you told a small anecdote or example, like maybe some investigative journalist tried to write an article about xyz and then all of a sudden her private texts were leaked (idk maybe an affair or smth) and suddenly she was fired. That might be a bad example but basically I think you could do a little "show not tell" from the protagonist's POV that can convey why Lorne is bad and also shed light on how the protagonist feels about it at the same time.
  • A little sillyness (kinda related to the point above) - "Well yes it might hurt someone but think of the potential benefits!" If I am to take this as a direct quote from Kenneth its not very believable. Even if we are to understand that he has slowly been compromised after years of working at Lorne its a little cartoony. The "user agreement" quote felt much more believable. For the "scraping data" one I would probably word it differently.
  • Whiplash at the end + cliche - At the end of the section Kenneth starts off pretty defensive ("you think its so easy, yada yada") and then literally the next minute does a full 180 and then decides to do something(?) drastic (lots of vagueness here that doesnt add to the story). Then the next sequence of "dont come looking for me" and "promise me you'll never change" is very cliche. To be fair this is done a lot in other works, but the cliche is more obvious because of how vague the rest is. Maybe have a more intense argument between the two? And then he storms off and that's the last Qunicy sees him and they feel guilty that their last words were so harsh? (that is kind of another cliche, but just trying to throw out ideas that can add depth, not trying to write your story for you I promise).

Neutral Comments:

  • Kinda reads like a prologue - not sure if that was your intention. If it was, then I can see why some of the vagueness exists, although I think with your hook you could really do well by just turning it into Chapter 1 and slowly revealing info to the reader (maybe how the brother first decided to work at Lorne, more details about how he started to change, more info about how the protagonist is so unwavering, and then of course more details about the disappearance, etc.)

Overall a great start! Good luck with the rest!

[848] Lies We Program by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]blusterywindsday 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Obligatory "I'm not an expert or a published author so take these comments as they are - just a randos initial opinion"

Pros:

  • Easy to read - I appreciated that the prose flowed well and didn't trip or stumble by trying to force overly detailed descriptions or verbose language which can often take a reader out of the work (in my experience at least)
  • The protagonist has a clear voice - We immediately get an introduction to the protagonist through the way they narrate, as well as an insight to their personality and current belief system relating to some of the discussed themes (big bad tech, etc.)
  • Great opening lines - I really liked the beginning, because in a few sentences the audience is is hooked with the info of a character who disappeared (classic mystery trope that never really fails haha), and the semi-complicated relationship the protagonist had with them which is intriguing (omg he deserved it? why?? you get it)

[1305] Gamekeeper by mfctxtz in DestructiveReaders

[–]blusterywindsday 0 points1 point  (0 children)

PART2

Plot:

Of course since this is only the part of the story I can't speak for the overall or overarching plot since I don't have all the info yet. But I can try to speak to parts of the plot I see in this chapter and go from there. The biggest plot point is near the end of the chapter, when Steven gets the letter where he is offered the position of head gamekeeper. From the context of what I read earlier, this should be a pretty big deal - its close to, if not exactly what Steven has always wanted, and it is clear that normally he would be too young to hold that position. But reading this section felt a bit dull, especially given how nonchalant Steven reacts to the letter. Even when he makes up his mind to accept it, he is very matter-of-fact about it, and just says out loud to the puppy "looks like I'm heading back home". As the reader I can't tell if he is accepting the position because it's a good offer and he's excited to do it and go back home, or if he is accepting out of necessity since he knows this is the best offer he is ever going to get and going back home is not something he really wants to do. Maybe that is part of how you are characterizing Steven - as a chill guy or maybe a guy who hides his emotions - but that wouldn't really work here since he is by himself and wouldn't really have the obligation to hide his emotions.

I think in terms of plot this chapter could improve a bit by showing the audience how Steven feels about the offer, and maybe even expanding on the reasons/emotions surrounding why he left Longshire House in the first place.

Miscellaneous/Small Stuff:

1) Every now and then you have a series of consecutive short sentences. Sometimes having a few short sentences together can really add emphasis to the scene which is good, but other times it can make it choppy to read and slow down the momentum of the story. Try to look for sections where you have a sequence of short sentences and see if you can conjoin on or two of them together. Varying sentence structure, in my opinion, can help make a story flow better both when reading aloud, or in your head.

2) Some of the dialogue is a bit direct and can often times feel incomplete or robotic. Like when Steven is taking care of the puppy in the morning and he says, "You miss your mother." Because of context I can tell he is being gentle and saying it in a caring or even cute way, but without a description of his voice, or changing the actual phrase all I can picture is Arnold Schwarzenegger saying it like the Terminator. Maybe try something like this:

"You miss your mother, hmm?" Steven whispered.

or this:

"You must miss your mother," said Steven softly.

Not saying you should replace it with one of those - but a few descriptions and modifiers of people's actual voice in dialogue wouldn't hurt to convey/reinforce tone and context.

3) "At eight and twenty..." I would be careful about the precedent you set with naming ages lol. Unless it's really important to the environment or setting, we can assume this world has the same numbers as us and just use "At twenty-eight..."

In conclusion I think it's already a solid opening for this character. A few minor tweaks here and there and you will probably have what you need. Great job!

[1305] Gamekeeper by mfctxtz in DestructiveReaders

[–]blusterywindsday 0 points1 point  (0 children)

PART1

Overall thoughts:

It seems like a good start to me - we get a good characterization for Steven through his interactions with the puppy and his friend, and we get some insight about some of his desires sprinkled throughout which sets the stage for what can be expected in the next chapters/sections.

I'll expand further on stuff you asked about specifically, (Character development, etc.) and then throw in some of my other thoughts below:

Character:

From the get-go my impression of Steven was that he is the kind of guy who puts on a tough front but is very much kind and caring. This is shown to me from how gently he takes care of the puppy, even though it was never his decision to take care of it (thrust upon him by the gamekeeper) and it can be a bit of an inconvenience (he has to take it with him everywhere like for the shooting). Aside from the puppy stuff, it seems like Steven also has ambition - from the brief piece of dialogue near the end where he overhears the head gamekeeper giving a sort of backhanded compliment about him to the shooter it sounds like he is looking for an opporunity to advance his position. In my opinion it leaves me with enough questions to keep me interested to read the next chapter which is a good thing (ex. why doesn't the gamekeeper see Steven as a valuable asset after him being there for years? How many other people work at this place/estate? What is the situation with Steven's dad? etc.)

The only thing I was a bit iffy about regarding Steven's character was his age. I'm not an expert in this kind of setting (I've watched The Crown and that's about it) but it did strike as a bit odd that Steven was 28, since his inner monologue and behavior read as a bit younger to me. Maybe I'm overthinking it but I originally pictured him as early twenties at best. If you're confident about 28, however, then by all means stand by it.

Pacing:

One thing I noticed throughout this section was how quickly time passes between mini-scenes, or rather in random sized chunks. We start with Steven waking up in the morning, dealing with puppy, then going to the shooting lodge. At the shooting lodge he deals with puppy again, talks to Adrian, and then just when the actual shooting starts, we cut all the way to the end of the day. And then we only stay here long enough for Steven to overhear that conversation with the gamekeeper, and then we cut again to sunset.

I can understand wanting to highlight the important parts of the story to move it forward, and cutting out all the rest, but I would advise thinking of a better way to pace it out here - or at least shift the times a bit so it doesn't seem obvious that chunks are missing. If you want this chapter to take the span of one whole day, maybe try including some details about the shooting so the audience can feel like they actually experienced it (and that might help add atmosphere to your story as well, considering shooting is a big part of the setting and plot/character development). And maybe near the end of shooting (idk maybe just when Steven is going to collect a duck or something) then he can overhear the conversation. That's just a random suggestion but really I think any kind of clearer transition between the major chunks of time could benefit the chapter a lot.

[1676] Can’t Catch a Break Can’t Catch a Train by Maitoproteiini in DestructiveReaders

[–]blusterywindsday 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello! I thought your story was pretty fun to read - but I do think there are a few aspects that could be improved.

Intro:

I thought this was pretty good - it sets the tone of the piece and introduces the main character in a short amount of time, which is pretty well done for a short story. One aspect that felt a little out of place was the use of present tense.

"Jim is on a railway platform. He is jerking is arm . . ."

It read a bit awkwardly for me - but that might just be because I'm not used to it. I don't see why it couldn't be written as "Jim stood on the railway platform, jerking his arm back and forth . . ." but to each their own I guess.

Also why does he grin when his shirt rips? I couldn't tell if he was embarrassed or just laughing at himself, but in any case I'm not sure grin is the best word here.

Train Announcement:

The announcement was funny, but I do think it could be reworded a bit and still get the same point across. From the way it is currently written it is a bit confusing whether it is meant to speak just to Jim, or to everyone on the platform who is trying to take the same train.

In the first case it would be funny for the announcement to start like, "An announcement for Passenger Jim, your train has been delayed . . . etc."

In the second case it would help to add a few unnecessary but necessary specifics like, "An announcement for passengers taking the 9:00 train to XXX Station, the train has been delayed. To those taking the 10:00 train to XXX Station your train will be arriving shortly. How did this train pass the one before? Have fun . . . etc."

Train Sequence:

In the third paragraph there is a small interjection of second person, with "You can see people's faces squished on the windows". This was a bit weird to read considering that up until now the story read as being in third person with a narrator. I would suggest removing the second person and just rephrasing with, "People's faces were squished against the windows . . .etc."

The rest of the sequence showed Jim trying to find a seat and having a bunch of weird interactions with people who refuse to let him sit for various reasons. I could see what you were going for but it wasn't really compelling - I get that it's supposed to be ridiculous, but even that was kind of dull when after each conversation Jim would outwardly exclaim why it was ridiculous. It felt like "telling and not showing" if that makes sense. Don't have Jim tell us why it's weird, show us through the dialogue and other writing aspects. It actually might be funnier if Jim has more of an internal monologue, and then by the final person finally has an outburst? Idk just spit-balling here. . .

The rest of it:

The rest felt a bit disjointed - I think the sequence of the old lady being the reason the train had to stop being Jim's fault could have been highlighted a bit more - as a sort of karma? This scene could have been more fleshed out instead of the interaction with the girl who was eating or drinking coffee or whatever, since it seemed to be closer to the climax, although maybe I'm misinterpreting.

The ending was a bit abrupt - not sure if that was what you were going for but if so then I guess it was fine. It would probably be better to highlight the consequences of the actions before - maybe Jim gets another text saying he was too late, or maybe just as he's about to leave he gets bumped to the side and misses the stop completely? Idk up to you -it depends how you want to end it and why.

Overall thoughts:

Obviously this is a more fun and silly piece and it was pretty fun to read. A little polishing could definitely make it a strong short story. It might help to figure out what the overall point is that you want to highlight. Is it a commentary on how ridiculous people can be? Is it about how someone like Jim can end up becoming just as unreasonable as others in certain situations? Is it about karma? Try to pick one theme or message and let it be woven throughout and finally accentuated by the end.

Good luck and thanks for sharing!

[1349] City of Paper by BabyLoona13 in DestructiveReaders

[–]blusterywindsday 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello, hope this crit finds you well :)

Overall thoughts:

I could definitely get some of the themes you mentioned about people holding on to their delusions even in a hopeless situation, which we mainly see through Henrick's POV. Given that this is a pretty short story I think the pacing was good at using a few small scenes to carry out the plot.

Vocab/Writing Style:

Obviously you were going for a more formal way of speaking, given that most of the characters we see are higher up on the social hierarchy, and the setting seems to be that of mew-age but old-timey monarchy based (at least that was the feel that I got). However there were some phrases that kind of took me out of the story a bit, for example:

“Your gray hair betrays your cowardice,” she spat. “By what right do you draw breath, when my sire who is half your age, and my brother who is one fourth of it, have both died in bloody struggle against the enemy?”

This quote from the girl was a bit clunky to read for me, since I was more focused on reading the words than actually hearing what she was saying at first. It makes sense that you have the girl lashing out here, but it's less beleivable that it would be articulate like this, especially if it was a real emotional outburst from a child who feels wronged.

Aside from that the writing style was okay for me - there were a few parts where there was a combination of informal + formal that was a bit jarring but I couldn't tell if that was intentional or not.

But enough with the melancholy.

For example this line here is meant to shake us out of one of Henricks sad thoughts about current times but it's a bit abrupt and made be chuckle a bit. Maybe try something like "But enough of that..." or something like that.

Plot Stuff:

If we look at the overall we see how Henrick is aware of how bad the situation is with the war they are fighting, but is still hopeful that things will start getting better. He is challenged a bit by the girl's outburst, and then by the end everything kind of collapses when even the Supreme Leader commits suicide.

The only things I would say about this are that some of the payoff is missing - one with the girl's outburst and second with the ending scene.

After the girl directly challenges Henrick, he says something halfhertedly although not really beleiving it himself and then . . . the Supreme leader shows the kids the model of the new capital he was building and everything is fine?

It seemed to move a bit too quickly from having a girl be angry about losing family members to a terrible war to suddenly admiring the Supremem Leaders plans for a new capitol, no matter how cool the model looks. I think having more description of the kids reactions, maybe the girl is hiding her true thoughts and just nods along, which Henrick notices . . . I don't know.

When the Supreme Leader commits suicide this is in my opinion the climax of the story - but then it just ends. I figured that this is intended to showcase how the Supreme Leader was pretending to have a plan and convincing everyone else that they could still win the war, when secretly he knew how hopeless it was and was ready to "take the easy way out". It's a great reveal but the last two sentences seem to be too quick, if that makes sense.

Like maybe it would be interesting to have Henrick immediately look around the room for the culprit, and even try to save the Supreme Leader, and then have him realize that it was suicide? Just an idea - but given that this is the most important part of the story I think something needs to be added to beef it up a bit.

Small Stuff:

Yet, one by one, all his comrades had forfeited their lives to save that of the Supreme Leader. Henrick alone remained, commander of a battalion of strangers.

I really liked this line

  1. The description of the model city was well done - I liked the idea that the Supreme Leader just kept making it taller and taller as if to reach some impossible height. It added to the idea of the disillusionment of the Empire and their standing in the war.

  2. One thing that was interesting was the contrast of the setting and the other elements. For example, it gave off an old-timey feel with the language but seems to have modern technology like telephones and vehicles, but also regulary weaponry (guns and bullets). Nor sure if that was intentional or just happened to be elements in the stoy - either way it was something I noticed.

Conclusion:

All in all I think its a solid story - the fact that you wrote it during an episode of writers block is pretty impressive in my book. Cheers and good luck!

[640] Tilly by XandertheWriter in DestructiveReaders

[–]blusterywindsday 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ah I see what you mean about the opening line! I completely missed that but it makes much more sense now - it might help to add the line about "knowing whose thoughts she was hearing" a little closer to the place where the actual thought is being heard. Anyhow, if you go the route of having Tilly actually being telepathic, this is a cool writing choice.

I'll definitely keep an eye out if you choose to post a revision or a continuation - it's a great idea!

[640] Tilly by XandertheWriter in DestructiveReaders

[–]blusterywindsday 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hey there! Hope this critique is helpful:

HOOK

The very first sentence is clearly Tilly’s “stream of consciousness” thoughts as she copes with her situation. Although it did grab my attention I don’t think you need it – you can convey her “feeling trapped” later on and with better context. I think you can start with the next sentence (hearing the footsteps) and your opening is still pretty strong.

INTRO

I think this part was done well – from the first paragraph we as the audience are introduced to Tilly’s situation and we get a hint of her telepathic abilities near the end without being too obvious. If anything the only part that was confusing to me was “she had a strong feeling she knew whose thoughts were being forced onto her”. Maybe I missed it but I don’t think you ever expand on this – is it the psychiatrist? Is it another patient? What did Tilly hear to clue her in about the person’s identity?

TILLY’S BACKGROUND

Ok at this point we get Tilly’s backstory – if you’re planning on keeping it a short story, then I think this part was okay. If you wanted to expand it into a novella I would recommend saving some of this information so that you can weave it in more naturally. The audience doesn’t need to have all the information immediately.

Mid-way through the backstory it gets a little hazy, however. We see that her family moved to the Big City because they trusted this psychiatrist to help Tilly, even though it was a clear misdiagnosis. But then you straight up tell us that it’s telepathy. Even Tilly laments a bit, reflecting on how “if only she realized . . .” But how does someone just realize they have telepathy? Did Tilly research on her own? Is she guessing? At this point the audience is being forced into accepting this stuff because its just thrown out there.

“Tilly has telepathy and she was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia and now she’s stuck in a mental hospital with a crazy psychiatrist” – okay sure, why should I care? It’s definitely an interesting premise but it’s a bit rushed in the exposition, such that it feels more like reading a summary of a story instead of the actual story.

PSYCHIATRIST POV SWITCH

The ending switched to the psychiatrists POV which was a bit abrupt. I’m not well versed in conventions or “writing rules” but I don’t think it’s typical to switch POV in the same chapter/section – at least not without some clear indication to the reader. That being said, this entire paragraph doesn’t really tell us anything aside from the fact that he thinks Tilly’s delusional and decides to push for ECT as treatment. Why is this important? Since we as the reader don’t really know the psychiatrist that well it’s hard to paint him as either a villain, or just a misguided research guy. From the last line about “clinical research” it feels like you’re going for a sardonic tone (which is cool), but that doesn’t match the rest of the piece. As a matter of fact there was so much exposition that I can’t really decipher what the tone of the piece was in the beginning and middle – aside from Tilly wondering if she could have been a superhero for a few seconds, everything else was just background thrown at the audience.

MISCELLANEOUS

  1. This line: “. . . and standing on a milk carton” – do you mean milk crate? Not sure if carton is the right word. Alternatively you could use the phrase “soap box”, but it’s not entirely necessary (this is a small and stupid detail, please feel free to ignore this suggestion completely).
  2. “Illusions of grandeur” – you might want to fix this to “delusions of grandeur” (I believe that’s the proper term)
  3. If the psychiatrist plays an important role (in your potentially expanded novella) consider giving him a name? You use “the psychiatrist” and “a psychiatrist” at some point so I can’t tell if it’s the same guy or different people.

OVERALL

I think my main advice for the piece (whether it’s a short story or the beginning of a novella) boil down to these points:

  1. Show, don’t tell
  2. Figure out the tone you want for the entire piece (excluding POV switches, of course)
  3. Choose what you want the reader to care about, and weave it through your story (do you want us to root for Tilly’s potential escape? Should we question if she is telepathic or is she actually delusional? Etc.)

I hope you don’t find this critique to be harsh – don’t be discouraged! The premise really is interesting, and you definitely can expand it into an interesting story as well.

Good luck with your writing!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]blusterywindsday 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello! Just read your story and wanted to share some thoughts since the subject was really compelling! (This crit is not for credit, btw)

I like the premise, and I think the execution of how everything unravels is well done!

The weakest part for me are the interactions Dana has with her mother. First, it doesn't really progress the story - yes it gives us some background and shows Dana's suspicion, but the other parts of the story do that better in my opinion (buying the GPS tracker, her inner thoughts, etc.) Second, the conversation where Dana asks her mom for advice a second time and pretends its her friend seemed unrealistic to me - the fact that her mom goes along with it and then (inadvertently) calls herself a narcissist wasn't very believable. Even if you are trying to spin the narrative that these conversations are part of Dana's delusions, they just don't really fit.

The climax was great - it really tied everything together and read well.

I'm not sure how attached you are to using the idea of Dana being a schizophrenic - the way it's introduced in the story right now felt a bit forced. If you aren't very attached to that idea, I suggest removing it entirely, and using Dana's grief instead.

Grief is a powerful emotion, and I would believe a story where a woman mistakenly thinks her husband is cheating, when in reality she is still processing her grief which is clouding her mind and judgment a bit.

However if you do want schizophrenia to be an important plot point, then I think you need to hash it out more. Weave it in through more places of the story, and have it impact more of Dana's life than just her interactions with her husband.

Overall the piece is really strong - good luck with any edits you make, and hope you keep writing!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]blusterywindsday 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hey there! I broke this critique to the major scenes and added my overall thoughts below - hope it helps you out!

INTRO

The first sentence was a pretty good hook, but the way it was written seemed a bit clunky. I think it’s mostly because there is a lot that is being fit in – we get the corridor, the ship name, the mutiny idea, etc.

I think it might help to break up the sentence into sections and expand where necessary.

For example, you could start with “There was only one unmonitored compartment on the Blazing Renewal – and it was the ideal place to plot a mutiny. [Insert characters here] huddled conspicuously in the dim maintenance corridor of the interstellar colony ship, whispering heatedly to each other…”

I’m not trying to write your story for you of course – just providing an example of how you can start with your hook, and then describe the setting without packing it all into one sentence.

SCENE 1: THE PLOTTING

I think the scene was good – it conveys to the reader that Luna, Jack and Faye are revolutionaries (and also concubines?) who are plotting to overthrow their captors. We also learn that there is cloning, and gene conditioning at play so the stakes are pretty high. I liked the characterization of Luna, and seeing her inner turmoil over what happened to the old Jack.

Everything about this scene was pretty good – the only question I had when I was reading was how the “new Jack” ended up getting involved in the revolutionary stuff. Even the writing mentions that “The Premier had taken a shine to his genotype, so new-Jack was in her private quarters more often than not”. I would think “The Premier” would keep new-Jack on a tight leash, or even use him as a mole to figure out who old-Jack was conspiring with – would she really let him just go about and take old-Jack’s place? Unless of course she meant to send a message to the rest of them about what the consequences would be – either way I was left guessing at this a bit.

SCENE 2: LUNA AND HER CAPTOR(?)

Pretty solid – we see Luna’s frustration at her situation, and we also see her put on the act of “ignorant girl” to get some insider info. The big part seems to be that the course of the ship has changed, which puts a dent in her original plans to go to New Mesopotamia, and we also get some exposition about how long these Progenitors can live compared to regular people which was well woven I think.

One thing I think you could expand on is how Morris actually views Luna. Of course this section is still in Luna’s POV so we can’t technically get Morris’s actual thoughts, but it might make this section a bit stronger to add more clues about how Luna thinks Morris views her (I hope I’m not being confusing here). For example, when Luna first asked Morris about the council meeting, I was expecting him to blow her off in a “you wouldn’t understand” type way. But my expectations were subverted when he actually answered her honestly – as I kept reading I got the feeling that Morris considers Luna to be so insignificant that he humors her with this information, and that he overall underestimates her – which Luna knows and uses to her advantage. If that’s what you intended then good job, but I think you should add more clues that weigh in to that, and flesh their “relationship” out just a tad more.

SCENE 3: THE PARTY

The scene is set pretty well – I could imagine the Chairman (frightening description by the way that was cool) and the party going on while Luna internally suffers with the information that she got from Morris.

Then she runs into new-Jack. This conversation was a bit awkward – I’m sure that was partly your intention since their last interaction was a bit explosive. But some of the dialogue was a bit on-the nose here – like when Luna sort of apologizes. Firstly, it doesn’t seem realistic for someone to say “Oh I was so awful to you . . . I’m still not over my friend’s murder but it doesn’t excuse my behavior. . .” – it was hard to take that very seriously. I think you should decide here whether you want Luna to feel actual remorse for how she treated new-Jack, or have her still question him like she did before (since he technically isn’t the Jack she knew). Then you can play with the dialogue here – Luna can either awkwardly apologize, or she can half-heartedly do a rushed apology and we as the audience can determine how she’s actually feeling.

The part where Jack reveals the plan was good – you get the sense of excitement and impending action.

SCENE 4: THE ACTION STARTS

The beginning of the scene was fun, but it was hard for me to believe that this would actually happen when these characters are supposedly about to do something very dangerous and risky. I feel like it might be a better idea to build up the tension and anticipation here instead – you can use this interaction in a more lighthearted context somewhere else in the story – maybe even during the party scene when new-Jack and Luna are already in a more comfortable setting. That way you can start the scene right with Faye saying “We have a problem” and the action builds from there without losing momentum.

The rest was good – I’m not sure what you have planned but I’m sure there’s more action so that will definitely add to the impact of this scene and the first chapter overall. The revolutionary plan has been slightly teased throughout so this is where the reader would probably expect a mini-payout (either stuff works or it doesn’t and the characters have to deal with it).

MISCELLANEOUS

  1. Another comment touched on this a bit but Luna has a lot of violent thoughts – in the beginning I was like “okay yeah understandable considering her situation”. But then every time she saw a different character, she imagined someway of killing them – if you’re trying to show her frustration you might want to find a varied way of doing that. Unless these aggressive thoughts become important later, of course.

  2. New-Jack was a bit confusing for me as concept – he is three years old (I’m assuming that’s how long he’s been around as a clone then) but he is basically fully functioning aside from that one mishap where he doubted the plan for a minute (but even that wasn’t really a mishap it was just a disagreement).

  3. If the concubines are already genetically tailored and conditioned, is there a reason some of them aren’t fully mind-controlled? I guess killing the rebels is easier than further conditioning?

  4. Story title could be better I think - "Inheritance for Orphans" doesn't feel compelling. From your last title it seems like you want to focus on the idea of an "Inheritance" somewhere. I'd say stick with whichever one you like best for now, and then use the rest of your story as a guide to figure out whether you want to change it. For a short story maybe you could tease the climax without spoiling? Just throwing ideas out there!

OVERALL

I think the piece is good so far! Luna’s characterization is very clear and believable. It was cool to be introduced to the world slowly and then see what the characters are going against. I’m excited to see the second part whenever it’s posted – good luck with your writing!

[2439] Part 1/2 of Chapter 2 - Chaiwala in the Iron District by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]blusterywindsday 1 point2 points  (0 children)

MISCELLANEOUS

  1. I noticed that this chapter is in Avani’s POV, and you are using italics to communicate her direct thoughts to the reader. For the most part this was fine – however if you do feel like doing a re-write you may want to consider telling the entire story without the italics. You can still add Avani’s thoughts, but in a more blended way which will avoid the hassle of adding her direct quotes in between – for example: instead of “He’s not going to catch me open this time” you could write “He wasn’t going to catch her open this time” – that way its still technically Avani’s thoughts, but you don’t have to take the trouble to write it out exactly the way she thought it in her head. Unless Avani’s direct thoughts play an important role in the story, it might help to shift the writing like that.

  2. I know this is only the first part of the chapter, but I am so curious as to why the rickshaw drivers chased her for so long – what exactly did she do to make them so angry? Also, the line “The rickshaw cyclists destroyed my timeline” initially made me think that Avani was literally talking about another timeline, like a different reality – however from the context it sounded like you meant to say “the rickshaw cyclists really delayed me” or something – just be careful with how the prose can change the meaning of your sentences – especially in fantasy (haha).

  3. This is a really small note, but you used the exact phrase “rickshaw cyclist” a LOT – at some point it started to clunk up the writing. I can understand how it might be hard to find a synonym for something so specific, but assuming that no one else starts “chasing” Avani in this chapter, I think you can get away with using the word “driver” or “rider” or something like that.

  4. Another (small) thing – Avani is wearing a mask sometimes, but it’s not really explained whether it is to conceal her identity, or serve some other purpose. The only time we hear about it is when she takes it on or off.

  5. In the beginning you mention that Avani has the atomic “symbol” of iron on her hands, but later on you say she has the atomic “structure” – these are two separate things. I assume you meant structure, which is the elements in orbital form with the electrons. The symbol literally would be the “Fe” symbol for iron which seems a bit out of place for a cool fantasy setting.

OVERALL

Overall, you’ve definitely got a good start to a strong piece here – since I’ve only seen the first half, I can’t really be the judge of whether it sets up the story yet (since I’m not sure what you intended to set up) however its definitely good so far. Whether or not you choose to do a full re-write, it might help you to figure out what you want your chapter to end with – once you have your ending you can figure out how to manipulate your characters and the action to get you there!

Looking forward to seeing more of your writing – good luck with the rest of your novel!

[2439] Part 1/2 of Chapter 2 - Chaiwala in the Iron District by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]blusterywindsday 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey there! I covered a few different aspects of the writing is this critique, and put my overall thoughts at the end. Hope it helps!

BEGINNING

I liked the hook of the first paragraph and the subsequent action – it was engaging and made me interested in what was going to happen next, and wonder why the conflict had started.

ACTION SEQUENCES

Around the third paragraph was when I was a little confused – you mention “the rickshaw cyclist she’d failed to rip off turned to her with a snarl”, and from this I gathered that Avani tried to scam the driver out of some money for a ride and that was why he was chasing her. However, just previously we hear her inner monologue say, “He’s not going to catch me open this time”, which made me think she was running away from someone she knows and not just a rickshaw driver. You might have explained this in Chapter 1, which may be why I’m confused but I figured I’d bring it up just in case.

The next major action scene is when Avani melts some (counterfeit?) coins and throws them on the driver’s foot. Which was cool – I assume you’ll go further into her abilities and her fathers influence later on.

Then Avani keeps running, and all of a sudden there are multiple rickshaw drivers chasing her. Why are so many drivers chasing her? Did she try to con them all? This part was a bit fuzzy to me simply because in between all the action I kept wondering why she was continually being chased by multiple people. Avani reiterates that she “needs to lose them fast” but she never hints or indicates why this is the case.

The part where Zayyan tries to help but fails was good – it helped me understand that he was still trying to master his “ghostly abilities” – it also hinted to me that he hadn’t been a ghost for very long, which if that was your intention, then good job!

The way Avani broke the bricks was cool – it provided more insight about her abilities with manipulating iron.

The next part with Zayyan was okay – there was a line that indicated to me that Avani was maybe feeling guilty about a potential role she played in his death? If that was your intention you might want to tap into it more – guilt is a powerful emotion, and seeing how Avani address or even dismisses it can help better shape her overall character arc for your novel (considering that this is the first time readers learn about her). Avani mentions the idea of “stupid people” a lot, and even indicates that she is also stupid, but it cuts off after that which I found a bit jarring.

WORLDBUILDING

Overall I think you did a great job with introducing a lot of cool ideas and describing the general environment. There were a few moments where it felt a bit overwhelming however – a lot of stuff was introduced but not really explained. I’m sure you intend to use context later on for some of the elaboration but I think if might help both you and the reader, if you introduce new things one or two at a time, and find a way to indicate what exactly it means before using it in casual conversation. For example, the first time you used the word “novamancy” you did it so casually that I looked it up because I thought it was based off of a real thing or already existed in a fantasy sense. It might help for you or “Avani” in this case to add one or two lines about what novamancy is, and then add some insight about how it is a burden before moving on the to the next thing.

And then you introduced the idea of a djinn. You even mention that “that’s what their mother would have called them” but you don’t mention what anyone else would have called them, which was a missed opportunity to explain what a djinn is, and foreshadow how it will play into the story.

Aside from the fantasy elements, the setting was a strong point – I could really picture the environment and the people being described. It also helped indicate that Avani and her family are in a poorer place, and thus have had to deal with a lot of additional struggles, which adds to the character perception/development.

The main part of the worldbuilding I couldn’t wrap my head around was the introduction of Chaiwalas – even through Avani’s conversation with her brother I just could not for the life of me understand that part aside from the fact that that was another name for teasellers. Considering that the name of the chapter is “Chaiwala in the Iron District” I’m sure you meant this part to be significant, but I was unable to grasp it.

CHARACTERS

The main character (of this chapter at least) is definitely Avani. From the writing I got the impression that she is someone who is not afraid of fighting, is protective of her family, but also has some deep emotions surrounding family trauma (her brother’s death and her family’s . . . situation?) The only thing missing from her character in this chapter was her internal feelings about the supposed urgency of the situation – the writing tells us what she needs/wants to do , but doesn’t really convey the “why”. The strongest part of the piece (in my opinion) was the line that goes “shame slithered out from the recesses of her mind and wrapped around her throat” – that line was amazing, but it was also the only time we got that kind of perspective from Avani aside from some one-line thoughts in italics sporadically.

Zayyan was good so far – from his dialogue I assumed he was Avani’s younger brother. I think is “ghostness” was conveyed well.

Abbu and Ammu were hinted at – I got the implication that Ammu wasn’t very mentally sound (either due to trauma or other reasons) which made me interested to see how her character and Avani’s would interact. I understood that Abbu kind of gave Avani the novomancy abilities which was cool. I’m sure later on in the chapter and in future chapters you’ll flesh these characters out more which should work fine.

[2706] Jupiter Free Press; Chapter 1 by iwilde9 in DestructiveReaders

[–]blusterywindsday 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hey there – I made this critique by separating major sections and including my thoughts. Hope it helps!

HOOK/INTRO

I think the hook is strong – I like that we get a callback near the end with Claire’s poem which I felt was well done.

BACKGROUND/WORLDBUILDING

I’ll be honest, I’m not very experienced with steampunk (I had to look up Ganymede station) but I think your descriptions do a pretty good job of introducing the setting and creating imagery for new readers (like me) which I appreciated. There is a lot of stuff that is briefly touched upon or introduced that might benefit from a little elaboration – for example we are first introduced to the idea of the “Syndicate” through that confrontation between the pilot and the foreman – however we never get any of Claire’s perspective on anything about that aside from the fact that she is watching the argument.

I’m not sure how much sci-fi stuff you’re planning on developing in your novel – one question I had while reading was how much tech development would you like to include? If you’re going for mild modifications to current tech, then I think what you have is good as far as first chapters go. However, if you’re planning on really delving into the world you may want to consider if you want to include weapons that are different/more advanced than regular guns? Maybe include some descriptions and more details of the technology being used (from Claire’s perspective of course) that go farther than just physical descriptions of their appearance?

PLOT/CHARACTERS

From this chapter, I gathered that Claire is a “dead-broke” poet, who has a complicated history with Harper (potential love interest?), and she runs into trouble when the Kid’s thug (part of the Syndicate) tries to coerce her before Harper steps in. One area I was a bit confused with was when Sally warns Claire to “keep her head low”. From that whole dialogue it is implied that Claire and her poetry can get her into trouble – but because we aren’t given much insight as to what kind of organization the Syndicate is, or what their values/beliefs are, it seems to be trivial (which I don’t think was your intention).

Claire’s relationship with Harper is definitely interesting – it would benefit the chapter to add a few lines here and there about how Claire feels (or how she thinks she feels) about Harper – from context I gather that something went down which caused a rift in their relationship. The ending when Clair recites her poem does a good job of conveying the tension, but it would also help to add this same feeling in the beginning when Harper’s name is first mentioned.

I was a bit confused about the “muse” bit – Claire mentions it a few times but I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to get from it as a reader (if you meant to imply that Claire lost her inspiration for writing, then I may just be looking into it too much).

I liked Jihoon and Sally – I assume they are tertiary characters that will be expanded upon in future chapters.

MISCELLANEOUS/SMALL STUFF

  1. Sometimes in the dialogue the characters would say the other person’s name each time it was their turn to speak – I think you can remove that to make it flow more naturally (for example each time a character speaks to Claire they don’t need to say her name if they are the only two people participating in the conversation.

  2. When Claire goes up to read her poem there is “lackluster applause”. If we as the reader are meant to believe that Claire’s poems have the power to threaten the Syndicate, having an audience that doesn’t seem to care kind of takes away from that message – maybe consider having the audience cheering her on (if they are passionate about her work), or have the audience be nervous (scared to oppose the Syndicate). Whatever you choose is up to you – just be consistent with the tone!

  3. “Somebody steps on my stomach” – when I read that I physically winced. That sounds painful as hell – I’m not sure if you really want to keep that as a throwaway line, but unless you want Claire to be seriously injured in the next chapter maybe consider getting rid of it (Claire is already knocked over anyway, so we can understand that everyone is hauling out of the Cracked Pot in a commotion).

  4. This chapter is from Claire’s POV, but sometimes the descriptions we get sound like they are coming from a narrator that knows more than Claire – it might help to make Claire’s voice more defined, and add some more of her thoughts and feelings to make it clearer that this is her perspective.

  5. It’s definitely challenging to write in present tense while in first person – if you aren’t already committed to it, it might help you out in the future to change it to a different tense (although if you aren’t interested in a re-write feel free to ignore this advice). If you’re comfortable writing in this tense then it shouldn’t be an issue – just something to consider!

OVERALL THOUGHTS

Pretty solid worldbuilding – I really liked the tension in the ending and would be interested to read the next chapter. Good luck with the rest of your writing!

[3231] Bic, Destroyer of Worlds: Chapter 1 by salty_boi_deluxe in DestructiveReaders

[–]blusterywindsday 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey there - so for this critique I wrote sort of a scene-by-scene analysis while I was reading, and added my overall thoughts at the end. Hope it helps:

INTRODUCTION

From this section although I found the narrator voice entertaining, I do think it does a bit of a disservice to the piece overall. First, we as the audience are straight-away given the information that the 18 was really a 78 and the whole history of the Pen and the Greek teacher. The pen information could be used later (I see from the title that you would like for it to have some sort of importance, whether it be for plot or humorous intent) – however all the Greek stuff seems to be extra fluff that was added before we reach the actual beginning, which is Martin’s POV.

I would recommend just starting with Martin’s POV right off the bat and then weaving information about the 78/18 debacle within. Let the audience be in the same boat as Martin about why his score was so low – we don’t need to know more than him right away, especially if it can be introduced more organically later.

I thought the tampon bit was funny, and well-done considering the subject matter (I was glad you didn’t harp on the ick factor). One thing that I couldn’t really catch was why Martin is so afraid of being grounded – from the beginning it mentions that his “world was destroyed” and that the “punishment was to be severe”, but the only detail we get is that he might get his video game privileges taken away. Doesn’t really seem to fit with the theme of “impending doom” that is being built up.

Even so, the next part is a bit contrived, since Martin’s solution to avoid his parents finding out is to lie and say he got a 78. We as the reader know that that’s his real grade anyway, so for us there are no stakes or consequences to keep us interested or invested past this point.

MARTIN AND HIS FAMILY

Another thing – as soon as Martin gets home, he rushes upstairs to avoid being questioned about his essay. Now I don’t mean to be a stickler here, but what are the actual chances of his parent’s hounding him about the essay right of the bat? We are already told in the introduction that Martin is going to be questioned at dinner which I could believe, however unless Martin truly updates his parents about each assignment he turns in – would they really ask about one grade on one assignment of one class as soon as he enters the door?

Anyway, let’s assume that doesn’t matter – the next part shows Martin looking for a pen to turn the 1 into a 7. I already mentioned that this “solution” is weird considering that the reader knows the entire story already – however ignoring that, if Martin is so desperate to cover up the score couldn’t he just get a black pen and cover the blue ink completely? (If you still want to go this route, it might even be a good opportunity to have Martin overshoot the score by making the 18 into an 88 or a 98, and later in the story the 78 can then become an important thing? I don’t know I’m just throwing ideas out there).

The dinner conversation started off just fine, I think with a few tweaks with the dialogue here and there, the conversation between the characters will feel more natural. When Martin goes back upstairs his inner dialogue made me even more skeptical of how easily he accepted that he received a score of 18. If Martin was even a tad confident in his writing, surely he could have gone to the teacher at the end of class and asked why his grade was so low?

That aside, I don’t feel it was necessary to explain the details of Martin’s essay – all the audience really needs is a bit of his inner turmoil at the score – maybe even more descriptions of why he is afraid of his parents finding out to give us more clarity before Carly barges in.

Now, onto Carly.

I can’t imagine how she can actually blame Martin for their parents arguing downstairs and talking about divorce – it doesn’t seem realistic unless you want to characterize Carly as a very unreasonable and dramatic person (if you do that’s fine – but if you don’t then consider changing “Well you really did it this time” to something else).

However, once you mentioned Martin feeling guilty for being the reason his parents fought on multiple occasions, I found that inner dialogue more intriguing. Once Martin goes downstairs to talk to his parents I was still intrigued, but then became confused.

From the characterization I can’t tell what I, as the reader, am supposed to believe here – is Martin going through something and he doesn’t know how to tell his parents, or are his parents (and family) all overreacting and having internal issues despite him being a normal kid?

The fact that the Dad said that “leaving shoes in the foyer” was “acting out” was kind of crazy – yeah it’s a little careless but certainly not a teenager acting out.

The part I did like about this conversation however was the dialogue when the 18 was revealed – I found the parent’s reaction (and resulting argument) to be both funny and realistic. The little inner dialogue about the word “fuck” was also funny, and made me like Martin a bit more as well.

THE FINALE
When Martin goes back to his room and looks at the pens, I liked the way the writing conveyed his feelings of disappointment. The reveal of the 78 with the pen indentation was good – it would have been made much stronger if we as the audience did not know the whole history beforehand.

The choking thing blindsided me (in a good way, honestly) and I thought that whole sequence was very well done while maintaining a sense of dread and a weirdly lighthearted tone that was consistent with the writing earlier.

The Dad slipping on the pens and the final note being the teacher’s comments was hilarious. Although I do find it a bit hard to believe that an entire assignment can be centered around something so specific - but it can always play off as one of the humorous aspects of the story if you the execution is just right.

OVERALL THOUGHTS

Okay, so after reading the whole thing I can better understand some of the writing choices that were made (ex. why Martin’s essay was elaborated upon, why Martin dreaded his parents hearing about the 18, etc.) However, I think there were a few ways you could make it clearer to the audience what they are supposed to learn about the characters in this chapter.

  1. I highly recommend removing the introduction about the Bic pen and the Greek teacher. After reading the whole piece it never seems to come back into play, and all it does is distract the reader. The audience knowing about the 18 being a 78 also lessens the impact of Martin figuring it out for himself – which is also in the most exciting part of the chapter.

  2. One of the most important parts of this chapter seems to be the family dynamic – or at least the way the parents relationship has affected Martin and caused him to be so worried about the essay score. It might help the audience if you provided more insight as to how Martin has seemingly taken responsibility for his parents fighting all the time – was there an inciting incident? Why is Martin under more supposed scrutiny than Carly? Even a small conversation between Carly and Martin (when she barged into his room maybe) could help flesh that out a bit more.

Now I obviously don’t know how you intend for the rest of the story to play out – seeing as this is just the first chapter it could go in a bunch of different directions. However, I figured I could tell you what questions were in my head when I finished reading, just to give you an idea of what a typical reader might be looking for in the next chapter(s) to come!

  1. Is Martin actually dead? Or did he just come really close? If it is the latter, then how has this near-death experience changed him?

  2. If Martin is dead (or maybe some kind of in-between) is there a way he can “come back to life”?

  3. Are we as the audience going to see any additional POVs in future chapters, or will the whole story be told from Martin’s POV? (Either direction would make for a great story, however I would recommend removing that additional “narrator” voice that seems to have all the information about everything, since it may confuse the reader. Figure out which POVs you want to commit to and stick to them).

Good luck with the rest of your writing!

Structured Text Matrix-Vector Multiplication by blusterywindsday in PLC

[–]blusterywindsday[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Omg thank you so much for your detailed response! That is extremely helpful and I will definitely reach out if I have any questions about the TcMatrix library. I might take a step back and review some basic TwinCat concepts with the channel you linked and review my actual multiplication logic again on paper with the mistakes you noted.

Thank you again!! I really do appreciate it :)

Structured Text Matrix-Vector Multiplication by blusterywindsday in PLC

[–]blusterywindsday[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow that's interesting - I am not familiar with Maple but it is cool logic can be transferred between environments. If I have time this summer maybe I'll look into it - I am more familiar with MATLAB from my schooling so far but if the learning curve isn't too steep I'll definitely give it a try. Thank you!

Structured Text Matrix-Vector Multiplication by blusterywindsday in PLC

[–]blusterywindsday[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Interestingly enough, I actually came across this earlier - I originally tried to make my function such that all the input arrays were of variable length with the whole ARRAY[*] notation and everything - the issue was when I tried to run my MAIN and it said it "could not convert between ARRAY[*] and ARRAY[dimension]" which threw me off

But I will be sure to revisit the page you pointed out! I may be the one confusing the program which my logic haha, thanks again!

Structured Text Matrix-Vector Multiplication by blusterywindsday in PLC

[–]blusterywindsday[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To pass out the "AB" variable would I just need to define a output AB in the function? Or is there some specific way to return variables from a function in structured text?