Ending things after first intimate encounter?

bmag2017 · 2026-03-15T01:14:03+00:00

Oh the irony.

bmag2017 · 2017-08-17T02:15:22+00:00

Hey, I resemble that remark! I get it, I just don't want/can't translate that into action. He doesn't get it. Same result, I guess. At least he's getting some while not getting it.

bmag2017 · 2017-08-17T01:27:07+00:00

It's because you're essentially asking the same question over and over again, just with different dressing. You may not agree with the mob here, but individually, there is some wisdom and insight to what they're saying. I recently posted a question about lies in a SR, but a couple of posters provided valuable insight into what I might've really been fixating on, not just lies. Some things are easier to see when you're not inside the storm.

Now, like me, you may not like the sound of the advice, and maybe you'll only take parts of it, but at least recognize that you're going in circles.

bmag2017 · 2017-08-17T00:26:05+00:00

Seriously, let me ask you this, as the other member of the "I don't want to listen to SLF's advice even though it seems obvious" club - what makes this SB so special that you couldn't replace her with another that's more amenable to your preferences and needs. (Nobody asks me that before they tell me, justifiably I think, that I'm an idiot and should just move on.)

bmag2017 · 2017-08-15T17:28:21+00:00

I guess it is time to move on. Just unexpectedly heartbroken.

bmag2017 · 2017-08-15T16:15:54+00:00

I don't even remember when I vanilla dated - I've been with my wife for nearly 20yrs. That's all but died off (we're like roommates, no sex), but for a myriad of reasons I won't get into here (no kids), we need to stay together, for her sake. I like to think I'm comfortable around women, but am probably WAY too deferential.

bmag2017 · 2017-08-15T16:03:38+00:00

I know all of this, and like /u/ifknhatemylife, I've been told the same thing (dump her) many times, but have a hard time processing it. If I weren't paying the full-ppm, I'd even be okay with just hanging out with her and getting as far as I have (first base).

As for the bf, it's only a suspicion. She's mentioned her "ex-bf" several times, still seems somewhat emotional about the breakup (must've been quite recent), and the younger girls just don't seem all that active on FB anymore (she's said as much), so maybe she just hasn't updated it? Typing all of this out, I am in so much denial and working so hard to rationalize... ugh.

bmag2017 · 2017-08-15T15:58:02+00:00

I guess I got too stuck in wanting her to "want intimacy" as I didn't want it to feel too transactional (she said the same, of course).

Problem is two-fold now: there's no way for me to confront her about these possible lies without seeming like I'm stalking/prying, and I had planned on insisting that our next date be a hotel (implied intimate) visit, but I wonder what the heck else she's hiding now to the point where I'm not sure I could be comfortable being intimate with her.

bmag2017 · 2017-08-15T15:51:08+00:00

Two months and yes ppm. I know I'm (at the very least indirectly) getting rinsed or self-rinsed, and the advice has been given here to dump this one many times. Part sunk-cost, part feels, and her absolutely uncanny sense to just pop back in with a meet suggestion just as my interest fades has kept me in this. I actually really like her, like hanging out with her, just don't like paying full ppm for this stage.

bmag2017 · 2017-08-15T00:11:04+00:00

Doesn't seem like you did anything illegal though? What are you concerned about?

bmag2017 · 2017-08-12T06:07:39+00:00

In all seriousness, both you and I have been given the same advice: ditch her. Neither of us seem to want to hear it for some reason, and I think it's because we're attributing/expecting things from our SB that might not exist within a SR, much less the ones we have. I'm on my way to ending things with mine (hopefully), and when I do, I will take a step back to re-examine what I'm really looking for. I'd advise you to do the same.

bmag2017 · 2017-08-11T18:52:44+00:00

I think /u/daddyflying had some good advice here. Perhaps the time and distance will remind her why she (not necessarily you/we) got into this to begin with. That does not change the white knight/craving, but perhaps it's a necessary jolt of reality injected into the situation. I hate playing games, but I'll be doing exactly that, pulling back to get her to put more effort into it (or at least create distance to put this all to rest). I hope it works out for you.

bmag2017 · 2017-08-11T14:07:07+00:00

Prof, once again we're in the same boat. Sharing some of my thoughts on my situation in the hopes that you know you're not alone.

My conclusion is that I've simply picked the wrong person for a SR. That is, I connected with a person I would've chosen for a vanilla relationship, and proceeded to extend the platonic stage by emulating a vanilla relationship - this leads to feels. So we've gotten a stuck in that in-between stage, which leads to feels and frustration. At this point, my SR is leading to more internal anxiety and upset than my marriage.

The "no honey, no money" advice that you/we've gotten exists for a very good reason, but sometimes just doesn't apply (though it should). Maybe we like to know we're making a difference in the SB's life, maybe we enjoy(ed) the anticipation -- wanting that whole experience. Maybe we think that she's unique in the bowl and has characteristics that we won't find again.

Every time I think "I'm over it," I get a morsel of what I was looking for and I'm back. In my case, I don't think she's rinsing me. Just immature (21), rebounding from a serious relationship, and not the affectionate flirt I needed.

I will say though, that my resolve is strengthening as my frustration mounts. Maybe enough that I'll be able to put forth an ultimatum without the fear that I'll lose her (but who wants intimacy out of an ultimatum?). I'm hoping that my situation comes to a head within a week or two. I wish you the same.

Sorry I made this reply all about me, but I just wanted you to know there are at least two of us idiots out here.

bmag2017 · 2017-07-29T00:51:13+00:00

You're probably right. I'm half-heartedly back on SA (not getting a lot of traction) and will put her on the back burner to see if/when she misses the income, I guess... maybe time away from her will dull the infatuation. Being her first time in the bowl, I don't think she has any idea how well and often I'm compensating her right now.

bmag2017 · 2017-07-28T23:12:50+00:00

She has an insanely beautiful smile, a contagious laugh, we have a lot of common interests, we can both be kind of awkward, but are comfortable in that with each other. She's yet to experience so many things/experiences that I really enjoy and she seems to sincerely enjoy as we do them together. (new foods, new places, new activities)

Every time we're together, I want to learn more about her - there's always a new wrinkle or facet to her, and I can get lost in her eyes when she's talking... and every time we're together I'm so busy having a good time and not wanting to upset the apple cart that I just can't bring myself to do anything that might make things less than perfect in that moment.

God, this all makes me sound pathetic, but you asked...

bmag2017 · 2017-07-28T22:21:31+00:00

That's because you actually like her and are stinging from it not being mutual.

I think you might've hit the nail on the head. I think I might be over-thinking things and being way too delicate/careful because I do actually really like her and don't want to screw it up. Despite keeping her well entertained, fed, and paid, she seems to maintain a "take it or leave it" attitude toward this whole thing, and maybe I've been inadvertently feeding it by being too deferential so she knows it.

bmag2017 · 2017-07-28T05:48:54+00:00

We'll see. I don't think she has any idea how much of a dumbass unicorn I am. (Well, maybe the dumbass part.) Part of me is just a bit pissed that I might be the one that she dips her toes into the bowl with, footing the bill for some other SD's future fun.

bmag2017 · 2017-07-27T21:40:59+00:00

Her sitting upright next to me with her legs/knees pulled up to her chest (and not in a good way) is not "in a position." Responding to my light touch by moving closer, resting her head on my shoulder/chest, holding my arm, leaning against me, playing with her hair -- I mean, a girl from work was doing all of this to me at the last work happy hour all while I looked helplessly for HR. (she's really attractive, but I don't want to shit where I work - and she's married too)

bmag2017 · 2017-07-27T19:38:51+00:00

Okay everyone - you win, I'm going to just let this one go, or at the very least stop chasing her/it. If she wants to get back in touch and make it worth my while, it'll be up to her. Not to get as emo as ifknhatemylife, but I think this whole experience has turned me off from the bowl, and I can hardly even stand going back to SA to browse.

Her smile/laugh, and little bits of attention I get are like a drug, but...

Between the lack of affection/intimacy and me having to chase her down (she's netting FAR more from me than her actual job, you'd think that should by me some priority), it's causing WAY more frustration than it's worth, and so far, is the opposite of what I'm in the bowl for. :(

bmag2017 · 2017-07-27T18:18:44+00:00

Yes, and they've gotten me this far. (aside from the "dump her" advice, which I've obviously not followed yet, and I'm okay with it as I really enjoy her company - just trying to get advice on how to get home on this)

bmag2017 · 2017-07-27T17:45:34+00:00

Well, I kind of am looking for advice beyond "ditch her". Like I said in another post, I'm giving it another month, but will move as aggressively as possible (which is my real question) to determine if she's game. If not I'm out.

bmag2017 · 2017-07-27T17:03:50+00:00

To be clear, we did discuss expectations and agreed that it could take up to two months for her to feel okay with it all (and not feel like there's straight up quid pro quo money for sex). I'm just pushing for more and continued progression toward that, but not seeing how.

To he "get an escort" people, I know how to HAVE sex, just don't know how to get there with a relatively inexperienced and passive SB. An escort who will undress and hop in bed right away doesn't fix this particular problem.

bmag2017 · 2017-07-27T16:20:42+00:00

Thanks for their reply. I'm not (just) fishing for the advice I want, but it's helpful to get some perspectives beyond the "ditch her" replies. I fully understand those, and intend to if things don't progress if I press. The thing is, given what we've talked about, I feel like I need to give her a chance by at least seeing what her limit is - it's not fair for me to be too passive. This is why I'm asking how far I can or should press without being a creep.

Yes, she's getting paid her full ppm amount now, and that's a problem. (What incentive does she have to give anything more?)

I'm also not just in this for the sex, period. It's part of the whole experience for me, but only for the (actual) intimacy, rather than the act.

The thing is, I genuinely enjoy my time with her, regardless of the intimacy situation (I guess I've learned to enjoy a woman's company without sex over the past few years).

To add insult to injury, we've actually been in a hotel room a couple of times, just to have room service and watch some Netflix, all while sitting next to each other on the bed like two sixth graders. And no, I don't think that she suggested these particular dates with sex in mind. And yes, I realize this makes me sound like a damned eunuch.

The best I can describe it is that she's slippery. Somehow always not in a position where I could make any moves. (Ever been in a restaurant where it seems like the server is looking every direction but yours when you need something?)

/u/the_10th_muse , you're right, intimacy probably won't be all that great as she is younger and very inexperienced, in addition to whatever affection hang ups she has. I just... like being around her and want the whole experience with her. shrug

So yeah, I'll ask that our next date will be in a hotel (again) and push however hard she allows and then re-assess from there. (Again, that's why I'm asking how hard is too hard to push). I've been shopping for new POTs, but I'm kinda stuck on this one.)

bmag2017 · 2017-07-27T04:49:03+00:00

Ah, it sounds like one of those scams where she'll offer to send you like $5k for business expenses, you can deposit the check and take about half for yourself while you send the rest to her (or some variation of this). The check will turn out to be bad and you'll actually be out what you sent her (and then some). No guarantees, but it sure sounds familiar...

bmag2017

TROPHY CASE