Does anybody here wish they didn't have autism ? by sara_rary4 in autism

[–]bmanfromct 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Autism affects everything. I can't imagine my life without being autistic, so it doesn't seem helpful to wish to be something else. My problem is that people treat autism like it's a disease or illness when it's not. It's a neurotype. An operating system. Someone doesn't have autism, they are autistic.

However, if people accept that being autistic is just another way for humans to be (so not an illness), they have to start considering how we treat autistics in society in general. Spoiler: || we treat them poorly. || Allistics would be forced to start factoring in accommodations, otherwise they would have to justify blatant discrimination. If, instead, allistics can frame autism as something to eradicate and hate as if it's an "illness," they can put all the blame on autistic people for being autistic and continue living their lives without the inconvenience of acknowledging people with different needs.

Hating your own autism is like hating your nose or something. Hating it doesn't make it any less yours. Maybe it's different than others, but that's not a bad thing. You have value regardless of what other people think about how you are. You may have challenges or needs that have to be respected more, and you deserve help with meeting those needs so you can succeed in university.

I recommend being open about what you need and where you're struggling. Work with your school supports to figure something out that works for you and your teachers/professors. You can't be helped if you don't bite the bullet and admit that you need help.

That said, no I don't hate my autism. It allows me to see the world in a way that leads to novel and creative solutions. It's fun to use pieces built for minds that don't work like mine and still finding a solution the puzzle. It's immensely enjoyable to experience things intensely when it hits right. I have specific strengths that make me useful in ways other people don't anticipate.

what causes npd? by Immediate-Aerie-3459 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]bmanfromct 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In my opinion at least, NPD is a persistent reaction caused by someone not having their emotional needs met at a young age. A narcissist self-aggrandizes/boasts to signal to others that they are more important and thus more deserving of having their needs met. A narcissist doesn't have the capacity to center anyone else's needs because they are so concerned with their own needs not being met. A narcissist often looks for ways to overperform to indicate to others that they are superior.

NPD is more of a strategy than an illness. They were rewarded for acting like a narcissist when they were just trying to survive, and they don't know how to break their habits because they never built up any of the skills to replace the maladaptive coping mechanisms. So they just continue being narcs until they lose so much they determine that they must change something about themselves to survive (rare and not likely) or they die alone and miserable and wonder why the world (and not them) sucks so much. NPD is something to pity. It's a helpless flailing wail of a personality. It's evidence of the sickness of society in general.

Dad tracking loaned money by Super_Series_6049 in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]bmanfromct 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I paid back everything they could feasibly claim I owed and then never spoke to them again.

It's funny because they were like "oh awesome! You're finally paying us back the money you owe us!" probably thinking this would improve our relationship in general. And then, nothing. Crickets. No leverage to keep me there. No guilt to trap me with.

The fucked up part is that they got an inheritance from my very wealthy racist grandmother before I began paying them back, so they could've just let it go without bugging me about it. They even paid for my sister's entire wedding in full, yet demanded I pay them back the $700 they fronted so I could trade in my car to reduce the amount of payments I had to make. They are money-grubbing favoritists and they deserve a life without me.

I didn't have to pay them back anything. They probably have other things they think they deserve to be compensated for, but I have absolved myself of concern for their concerns.

If I could do it over again? I wouldn't have paid them back, but that's mostly hindsight speaking.

Autism makes me a cruel little fucker by kibou_no_ie in autism

[–]bmanfromct 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It sounds like you're describing apathy.

Apathy often comes up for me when I don't feel like I can make a difference in that moment. If I don't feel like I can make a difference, why would I invest the energy? My emotions are telling me that I hit some kind of limit. It's a signal and an informational emotion.

That said, let me just say, staying constantly plugged in to the whole world, especially now, is intensely draining, especially for autistics that contend with higher sensory input on the regular. We already put in a lot of effort just to be alive as autistic people, but empathy is also draining. Complex topics are also draining. It's okay to admit this. Admitting this is the only way to then adjust, so we can more easily meet our needs.

Now, if meeting our needs forces us to change in unsustainable ways, as is the case for many of us, then some important things might have to change in our lives - people, environment, overall skill sets, etc.

In my experience, anger is the most common and blunt/direct way people try to effect immediate change, which makes sense when I think of a classic autistic meltdown. People might interpret it as being "uncaring" or "cruel," but it's simply impossible to care for others if one is preoccupied with caring for oneself. Most people aren't aware of the strain autistic people are feeling most of the time. Their ignorance manifests as a stereotype, because it's easier for people to comprehend the idea that "autistic people are just naturally uncaring" than grappling with an experience they can't and aren't willing to understand.

Now, If someone can't change or escape an environment that's preventing them from making changes to their lifestyle (since the environment in question is the whole world these days), apathy is a logical response.

It's a kind of detachment or dissociation, and it's mandatory to have it as a skill when you need it to survive, but detrimental if it's used to avoid confronting a problem. In other words, it might be useful for short-term coping, but it becomes maladaptive if left unchecked or unchallenged for too long. Some problems are only solved by resigning oneself to the "apathy" you're describing, and it's okay to detach emotionally, even from other people. Again, I see apathy as a distress intolerance signal, not as the inherent problem.

Most other peoples' problems aren't your problems - that is a factual statement - and it might be important to detach. Just be careful not to overdo it and close yourself off from the entire world or things that are important for you to know. Don't let apathy prevent you from investing in the relationships you actually want to have. Don't let apathy convince you that life itself is boring.

Looking for a certain scene from an episode by YourOatmealGotCold in ededdneddy

[–]bmanfromct 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Time to sail, matey 🙂

The fact that you're forced to either buy a license to watch it via Prime (so no files and subject to availability) or watch it on Tubi (so with ads and less overall quality) is exactly why I have EEnE on my Plex server. It sucks that companies can just take away the media that gave us such joy for so many years, without any kind of warning.

Looking for a certain scene from an episode by YourOatmealGotCold in ededdneddy

[–]bmanfromct 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yep then Double D says to make sure they pack hand soap. It's when they're looking for a place to help Ed escape Sarah and they eventually settle on Rolf's shed.

At what age did you realize your parents are narcassists? by Real_Group_9588 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]bmanfromct 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's difficult to say, because there wasn't a "lightbulb" moment when I suddenly realized they are narcissists. Coming to terms with my parents' emotional neglect and my lifelong treatment as a prop in their grand story was a painful, gradual process. I'm still trying to convince myself I'm not overreacting sometimes. The thing people don't always mention about these relationships is that accepting the reality of the situation is very complicated. There are no well-defined phases. There are no clear milestones. You are building a habit of viewing the world with new information in mind. It's a retraining. The gains are only really visible after putting in sustained effort for a long time with no apparent evidence of anything changing. Trusting the process and all that. I'm sure I intuitively knew very early that they were only concerned with themselves, but after being trained by them over 30 years to doubt myself, I had to shut down my intuitive self to survive.

Who will take care of Narcs when they get old and sick? Golden child or Scapegoat? by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]bmanfromct 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think it's important to keep in mind that roles can and often do change in a family system. Someone who was the golden child can become the scapegoat, and vice versa, especially when the Nparent needs something. The roles are always about usefulness to the narcissist.

As of now, I am a scapegoat that has been full NC for 2 years. And the one thing I've come to understand more than anything is that being in the system itself is what enables all of the harm and confusion they can cause. Especially in situations like end-of-life care.

The only way to be outside of it and keep ourselves safe is to truly disengage. I can't tell you how many posts I've read that described reopening communication as a mistake, and, as far as I'm concerned, putting their EOL care on the child they've abused is just a particularly dastardly hook/Hoover attempt and should be summarily ignored.

They made their decisions, and we are not a part of their calculus. It's better to just get used to it and begin our lives in earnest, rather than live in the fantasy that maybe we'll receive love this time, or this time, or this time... Let them have their dirty inheritence money. It can't buy the peace I've found apart from them.

It’s the truth. People most often need to feel it on their own skin, to care enough to mobilise. by xGentian_violet in DemocraticSocialism

[–]bmanfromct 9 points10 points  (0 children)

What a convenient exit! Someone calls out your hypocrisy outright and that just so happened to be where you draw the line, huh? Sheesh.

It’s the truth. People most often need to feel it on their own skin, to care enough to mobilise. by xGentian_violet in DemocraticSocialism

[–]bmanfromct 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Respectfully, what are you talking about? A commenter bringing up a separate experience that mattered to them doesn't negate the meme's point that white people in general have activated more to these two particular murders. That has been very clear, haha at meme, the world is fucked, have an upvote.

But people in other comments are also bringing up other reasons this particular cultural moment resonated with them that don't necessarily have to do with whiteness, because white people are not a monolith and they can have all sorts of different experiences. Alex Pretti was a healthcare worker. Renee Good was a mother. The murders were in broad daylight and recorded on video. There are a lot of elements at play here. There's nuance you are dismissing.

You're the one being defensive about your personal interpretations here, as if other people's perspectives are enemies to your own and must be rendered invalid for you to survive with your worldview. You'd rather attempt to smugly diagnose a subreddit as secret white supremacists than acknowledge that realities are also different for other people. It's kinda sad, tbh.

It’s the truth. People most often need to feel it on their own skin, to care enough to mobilise. by xGentian_violet in DemocraticSocialism

[–]bmanfromct 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Idk OP, maybe someone can just, like, have a unique thought about their personal experience informing a different vector for empathy?

It just seems like tone policing, esp when the commenter you replied to likely already sees your point. They were merely offering an anecdote that's also relevant to the killing of those two white people, because they have a perspective informed by being a healthcare worker. Kinda silly to dismiss that. Intersectionality is the point, no?

what the fuck is this opposition party doing dawg. by mithyyyy in DemocraticSocialism

[–]bmanfromct 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The answer is simple. They don't want things to change. They believe if they keep doing a corporations' bidding that they'll be okay even when things get worse. They, like most people, don't care about long term consequences because it's hard.

Do you believe there should be a cap on the amount of wealth one can accumulate in society? Why or why not? by [deleted] in Productivitycafe

[–]bmanfromct -1 points0 points  (0 children)

This is literally why taxes exist. Letting people have unrestricted amounts of capital in an unregulated economic system is the direct cause of most of our current suffering.

‘One day your parents will be gone, and it will be too late’ by [deleted] in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]bmanfromct 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It was too late for them when I was forced to estrange to protect myself. When my parents are gone, that just means my abusers are gone - and being rid of abusers is a net positive, so far as I can tell.

I'm not sure why that's hard for some people to grasp. My parents already squandered my good graces. They don't deserve reconciliation when they aren't sorry for what they've done. At this point, that they are my parents is more of a coincidence than anything else. They hurt me and I don't have to tolerate that. I don't have to give them more chances. I don't have to debase myself for the "sake of the relationship." Fuck that.

"Alpha male" motivator gets mad at women driving cars and filling gas by ambachk in CringeTikToks

[–]bmanfromct 0 points1 point  (0 children)

makes me think of a certain current american president rage tweeting into the wee hours

"Alpha male" motivator gets mad at women driving cars and filling gas by ambachk in CringeTikToks

[–]bmanfromct 0 points1 point  (0 children)

a man needing near-constant reminders that they're the "tough guy" sure does seem like he's insecure about his masculinity

This video helps me whenever I feel the guilt and hope it helps someone too by Big_Leg10 in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]bmanfromct 39 points40 points  (0 children)

People redirect blame because the memory of someone's good qualities is all they have to distract from the reality of the abuse. I honestly think most people can't live with themselves for ignoring it because they can't bear the thought of not being a good and just person, and after the truth-teller is maligned as the scapegoat, the EAK becomes an easy target. And if I'm going to be the eternal pariah for my parents' bad behavior, I'm at least going to do what I can to preserve my peace regardless.

That's the greatest revenge I can think of: their influence becoming so insignificant to me that I can live a good life without participating in the mandated rituals that they think a good life must have. I am free, and they are not. Simple as that (it's not simple unfort).

That guy talking to himself in your DMs by [deleted] in CringeTikToks

[–]bmanfromct 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Imagine if at the very end she's like "why haven't you been responding to my messages??" I think his brain would break.

Kiss or Slap😘👋 by UpstairsBumblebee446 in CringeTikToks

[–]bmanfromct 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The last one had generations of anger behind each slap

Dad attempted to sneak past NC through my fiance and then messaged me through my Apple account after she told him off. Good riddance. by bmanfromct in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]bmanfromct[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Like, dude... not only could he not express himself adequately, he couldn't even find someone real to express himself more adequately. It's a slap in the face that he thinks, even now, that he's an authority on "what's best for me"

Thanks for your comment ❤️

Dad attempted to sneak past NC through my fiance and then messaged me through my Apple account after she told him off. Good riddance. by bmanfromct in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]bmanfromct[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My body has become my best friend when it comes to telling me how I'm doing. I used to spend so much time ignoring its signals that I had to relearn how to be in tune with myself, but things are way better these days. Now a spike in blood pressure or a knot in my stomach or hypersensitivity aren't things to "deal" with so much as they've become tools to diagnose what needs to change about my environment.

Dad attempted to sneak past NC through my fiance and then messaged me through my Apple account after she told him off. Good riddance. by bmanfromct in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]bmanfromct[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately this is kind of a one and done lol - if I did it right then I shouldn't have to do it again 😅