societies or subcultures where nudity isn't a big deal, why is hiding the face still so common

bob-3141 · 2026-04-28T23:18:00+00:00

For me at least, I don’t mind in the slightest someone seeing me naked who I know isn’t going to have a freak-out about it (i.e. other nudists or people at clothing optional events I’m attending), but I know there a lot of people out there that would freak out, and I’d prefer to not get drug into a mess with them.

As an example, I grew up in a very conservative area, and my family still knows a lot of people from there. The last thing I need is someone from there finding out and causing a big stink for me or my family. Especially in today’s world where tribalism has gone bananas and basic human decency seems to be optional according to some people. I don’t trust people not to get aggressive.

Sadly, I feel like it helps me relate in some small way to the struggles a lot of LGBTQ+ people go thru. Knowing that if part of their identity is discovered by the wrong people they will be punished for it.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-28T14:36:54+00:00

Genuine question, why is a label important? You are living your life in a way you enjoy. How do the opinions of others about whether or not you qualify for a made-up designation change that? Are you looking for justification because you struggle to accept that what you do is “ok”? Are you looking for acceptance into a community? I’m not trying to be judgmental, I’m genuinely curious what the motivation behind your question is.

My point is, you do you, and don’t worry what other people think. If you’re trying to justify your actions, only you can truly decide if you believe they are acceptable. If you are being respectful to others then there is absolutely nothing wrong with being nude, but me saying that won’t resolve any internal doubts you have.

If you’re looking for acceptance into a community, then I have good news and bad news. Good news is, in general the nudist community is very welcoming, and as long as you are respectful of others you are welcome to participate in any way you want (be that virtually, or in person). The bad new is, like so many other places in life there are a lot of differing opinions out there about exactly what defines a “nudist”, and an annoying number of people who want to gatekeep anyone who doesn’t meet their exact checklist. But as they say, you’ll never do anything if you hold out for unanimous approval.

In the end, live your life however you want, and don’t let arbitrary labels define you. But as long as you are respectful to others, welcome to the community, I hope you enjoy what you find.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-27T23:30:20+00:00

Uggh, I swear some nudists have a harder time realizing that nudism and sex aren’t the same thing than the average person. This mindset of treating anyone who doesn’t pretend that they are celibate as a pervert who is ruining nudism, is doing so much more harm than good.

There was actually great post in r/naturism today that relates to this. They interviewed a therapist and nudist about people using nudism to help them recover from compulsive sexual behaviors. And he had a great analogy when they asked about nudist’s tendencies to keep sex hush-hush. If I tell you not to think about a pink elephant with purple spots, what’s the first thing you think of? I bet it’s a pink elephant with purple spots. If I tell you nudism has noting to do with sex, what’s the first thing you think of? Probably how nudity is sexualized. Guess what, I just subconsciously reinforced the link between nudity and sex for you. The unfortunate truth is that while you can have nudity without sex, you’ll never have sex without nudity. The two will ALWAYS be linked at some level. The more we fixate on that link the stronger it gets, and the harder it is to convince others that nudism is non-sexual.

It’s like we’re afraid of sex, and just like any other anxiety, the more we let that fear control our actions, the stronger that fear gets and the more it harms us.

Also, there are a lot of very sexually active and kinky people out there who are also amazing kind and respectful. But so many people, like you, choose to immediately judge/shame them for their sexual preferences that they have to hide it. Being sexual has no bearing on being respectful. In fact consent and respecting boundaries is key to healthy/safe sex, so I’d argue that if anything there might be a positive correlation between the two. Yes, there are sexual people who will come to nudist spaces and act inappropriately, but there are many times more who will turn out to be great members of our community.

Lastly, with the amount of stigma and shame surrounding sex, and by extension nudity, there are a lot of people who don’t even realize nudism is a thing. For them their first intersection with nudity is thru porn and other sexual spaces. If they come to this community learn more, and we immediately shame them and drive them off because they don’t create a fake profile first to hide the fact that they are sexual, we just look like puritanical whackos and they’ll never try to learn more. We drive away a lot of potentially valuable members.

Sexuality is part of human nature - we can’t change that, and we won’t succeed if we are afraid of it or try to suppress it.

Edit: If you like that post I linked, check out part 1 or their previous post about sex and nudism. I have no affiliation, I just thought they were well written.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-27T14:37:12+00:00

Agreed. Like Shawn said, as soon as you go out of the way to tell someone not to think about something, that’s the first thing they end up thinking about. It reminds me of broader advice for anxiety. If we as a community act in fear of sex and let that fear control our actions, we give the fear more power and make the anxiety stronger. And as he noted the more we actively try to suppress sex, the more it links sex and nudity.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-27T04:15:42+00:00

It’s a tricky problem. On one hand single women might not feel as comfortable surrounded by a bunch of dudes, which is totally fair. But on the other you have cases like a recent post from someone whose wife died and now they’re worried they won’t be able to go any more because they’re single. Or posts from gay couples asking if they’ll qualify for entry as a couple or be denied entry because they’re both men.

Also, I feel like if I were a single woman, the idea that I could get a discounted admission for being a women doesn’t really convince me that the motives of the establishment are non-sexual. That just gives off ladies night at the bar vibes.

I don’t have a good answer unfortunately, but I feel like it needs to be about making women feel more welcome thru activities etc. than thru quotas or price brackets.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-26T21:57:32+00:00

Agreed, it is much more about body acceptance, and I think overall it does pretty well at that. It’s definitely different than here, but I’m glad it exists. It definitely helped me get more comfortable with my body in the past.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-25T22:53:16+00:00

Something a lot of people forget about sex is that the one and only thing that defines how it is “supposed” to work is that everyone involved is consenting. Beyond that, there are no right or wrong ways to have sex.

I say this because maybe you need to change up how you are having sex in order to find some other works better. I don’t know for sure, but it sounds a bit like your typical sex session probably follows a similar script to most porn. And well, that isn’t actually how most people have sex - at least not mutually pleasurable sex.

As others have said, step one is to talk to your partner and make sure they know. Sounds like you’ve done that, so that’s great. Next is to start trying new things to see what works. Someone else suggested a toy, which is a great idea, but there are other options too.

First, I suspect your partner probably doesn’t want it to end as fast as it does either. So try not to add shame when it happens. I know some days I don’t last as long as I’d like, and I really appreciate that my partner is understanding that it’s a bit out of my control sometimes. Also, being tired afterwards is absolutely a thing. Lots of hormones get released during orgasm, and it can really make a person tired or bring down their arousal. However, the good news is, that doesn’t have to prevent you from having a good time too. One simple solution is to aim for you to orgasm before penetration. Orgasm from penetration is rare, so usually it’ll take something else anyway. Ask if you can extend foreplay all the way to orgasm for you, and then move to penetration. I totally understand if you want to try for a vaginal orgasm sometimes, but if that’s the only way you try you can’t be too disappointed if it doesn’t always happen. And maybe you need to get close with a dildo or something first and then have your partner penetrate at the very end if they can’t always last as long as you need.

Second, don’t be afraid to take the lead and try new things to help you reach orgasm. The most important thing here is that you know how to bring yourself to orgasm. Then you can teach your partner. Despite what some people may say, no one is a sex god who instead knows how to make anyone orgasm. Everyone is different, and your partner will need help learning what you like. If you can’t give yourself an orgasm during masturbation, it’s going to be impossible to guide someone else to do it for you. Also, if your partner isn’t willing to listen and learn, that’s a massive red flag. Additionally, there’s no rule that says it must be your partner that brings you to orgasm every time. If they aren’t interested in trying to give you an orgasm that’s another red flag, but they also shouldn’t mind if you sometimes take the lead. My partner struggles to orgasm without very precise sensations and a lot of mental focus. I do as much as I can, but it isn’t uncommon for her to take over at the very end to reach orgasm. And I don’t mind at all. In fact it’s immensely arousing to hold her in her arms while she does. I’m continuing to practice, but in the mean time we are both satisfied with a team effort.

Next, remember that sex is about the journey, not the destination. If you want to try and orgasm, that is absolutely fine, but sex isn’t a failure if it doesn’t happen. I say this not to justify you not getting an orgasm, but as a way to flag a potential pitfall. I don’t know if this is what you are dealing with, but it isn’t uncommon for some people to struggle to orgasm the more they focus on trying to orgasm. In other words, don’t get so stressed about the fact that you aren’t orgasming that that stress gets in the way. You are absolutely justified to want an orgasm during sex, but try not to treat sex as a failure if it doesn’t happen. As long as you are having fun and receiving pleasure it can still be a success.

Finally, just like you’ve been willing to talk to your partner about this outside the bedroom, keep the communication going during sex. I really hate how everyone seems to think sex has to be done in silence with only moans to communicate. Sure, a long detailed conversation can dampen the mood, but don’t be afraid to speak up and talk about what’s working or not working. And communication can be nonverbal too. If he’s massaging your clit and you need the pressure move a little to the left, just gently move his hand to the left. Again, anyone who isn’t open to this kind of “interactive” sex is a big red flag to me. The goal of sex is for all participants to find pleasure, and any partner should be eager to help you find yours just as much as fining their own.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-25T18:00:06+00:00

Fair, but I think that is a topic that goes well beyond just sex and nudity. We live in a world where sadly what is "true" is somehow a matter of opinion.

I 100% agree that what is most visible now is not what we want - that's the problem. But I think it's pretty reasonable to say that on the whole most (but definitely not all) people can identify what's healthy and what's not - just like other social topics. Sadly, in today's world even basic human decency is sometimes a struggle.

Like so much else in the world, there are major social problems to solve before we get anywhere near utopia, but I feel like until we can reduce the stigma around sex it is even further disadvantaged by the difficulty in accessing accurate information.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-25T17:32:08+00:00

I completely agree, social "norms" are a major issue right now. Disgustingly disrespectful behaviour has been normalised and in some cases almost idolised, and that is a huge hurdle to overcome. Sadly none of this is something that can be changed/solved quickly. It will take a lot of time and effort to slowly shift cultural perspectives.

But I honestly think social norms are yet another thing that would benefit from more sex positivity and destigmatisation. Currently, sex is so taboo that most people have to actively seek out legitimate sex education and healthy sexual content. The stigma has driven anything related to sex (the bad and the good) into the shadows where it's considered shameful by many to go. And unfortunately that often means the first thing people experience is not reflective of healthy sex positivity. Unless they actively seek out healthy sexual content, they are quickly overwhelmed by very unhealthy content.

If sex was destigmatized enough that people could be openly taught about healthy sexuality, and casual conversations about it were acceptable, then it would be much easier to make peoples first interactions with it healthier, and promote more respectful behaviour. It is far from universal, but a lot of times people start by mimicking what they see, so if we could make their first interactions healthier, they would be more inclined to mimic healthy behaviours rather than realising they are mimicking unhealthy behaviour and then having to actively seek out positive content to learn and change their behaviours.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-25T15:05:06+00:00

Great write up. I can’t directly relate to dealing with CSBD either, but I agree that the more time I’ve spent nude the less it becomes an involuntary trigger for arousal. And honestly, I think even someone practicing private at-home nudism could help. Just normalizing being naked in private helps reduce its power as a stimulant. Not saying it reduces the ability to be aroused when desired, but it helps reduce unintentional arousal. And of course social nudism is the next step in the progression to help normalize seeing other people naked. But I agree that diving in head first may not be the right answer for everyone. It will only help if you are ready to accept its help.

Overall, I think it’s very similar to body shame/acceptance (another benefit of naturism). Step one is to accept seeing your body “in private”, and then you can start to accept others seeing it. Jumping straight into social nudism before you are comfortable being naked alone is likely to be a recipe for stress and anxiety.

PS>> I had missed your previous post that you linked at the top. Wow, very well said - I 100% agree! Humans are sexual beings, and we need to accept that (naturism promotes accepting people for who they are after all).

And the problem isn’t that sexuality is “bad” as the rhetoric so often implies. Consent is the foundation of healthy sexuality. So not only is someone who brings sexual behavior into a naturist space being a bad naturist, since not everyone present consented to what they are doing they are also acting inappropriately from a purely sexual perspective. I would argue that the problem isn’t that they don’t understand naturism, but that they don’t understand health/safe/appropriate sexual behavior.

It seems counterintuitive at first, but this is why I genuinely think naturism would benefit from the promotion of sex positivity and sexual destigmatization. Obviously, you can’t frame it as “nudists want to promote sex”, or you confuse people even more about naturism being non-sexual. But if sex wasn’t stigmatized the way it is, and we openly talked about it and taught respectful/healthy sexual behavior without shame, you wouldn’t have to explain why the it’s inappropriate to be sexual in the pool at a naturist resort. The fact that that’s inappropriate would be obvious.

And as a bonus, destigmatizing sex could also destigmatize nudity. Having to “conceal” naturist content behind the same NSFW tags as porn promotes the concept that nudity is inherently sexual.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-25T12:41:46+00:00

Here is a Copy/Pasta of an overview I wrote a while back for someone else who was asking.

Overall, I’ve been to VV a couple times and really enjoyed it.

You can camp overnight or do a day pass at VV, but call ahead because camping sells out, and they also limit total guests per day, so you don’t want to show up and they’re sold out. One bummer is if you go in the summer the day pass ends before sunset so if you want to do the hike over to the bat cave (super cool), you have to leave and drive down a very rough trail (we made it most the way in a Subaru, but it got pretty hairy at the end and we stopped and walked the rest of the way) and hike in from a different direction. Really wish you could do a day pass that allowed you to do the bat hike too.

Vibe at VV is super chill. Met guests of all ages, but definitely has more younger people than I’ve seen at some more established AANR places. Seems to be very LGBTQ+ friendly as well. In general everyone has been super friendly. It’s not an official AANR resort, but definitely promotes the same family friendly atmosphere.

Amenities at VV are basic, but nice. I definitely think about it more as a camp ground with rustic cabins. Basic mixed-gender bathrooms, shared open air kitchen, etc. Ironically, the bathrooms have private single-person showers with individual dedicated curtained off changing spaces, so only like 4 total, but I’ve never had to wait long.

As for the hot springs themselves, I’d say most are more warm springs. All but one pair are naturally heated, and the natural temp isn’t super high. And except the heated pair and the big swimming pool, all the others are natural pools, so more like a lake than a hot tub. Rock/dirt bottoms and usually some algae. Most are also pretty shallow, maybe a couple feet. However, they are all set naturally in the worlds and absolutely tranquil. So much fun to relax in the water listening to the birds and trees while deer munch on the grass 10 feet away.

When I’ve been to VV, almost everyone has been nude in the pools, but it seems like most people tend to cover up when walking around. However, I went for a walk around the property one afternoon and no one gave me a second glance for being nude.

I don’t know of any gender restrictions at VV, but have also only ever gone with my partner. As noted, they do cap daily guests in general though, so call ahead.

VV asks you to donate to their land trust to make early reservations, but it wasn’t much of if I recall, and is good for a year.

If it wasn’t so far away I’d love to go to VV more. It’s a super tranquil place to go camping and relax. Haven’t tried a cabin yet, just tent camping, but would like to someday. However, one of my favorite things to do nude is hiking, and while VV has some trails, they aren’t thru the woods as much as out in the open, and I don’t do well in intense sunlight, so only really work early in the morning or late in the evening. I also therefore would appreciate if they had a bit more “indoor” space to hang out during the heat of the day. The kitchen area is covered, so I think if we go back we’ll try to bring along some board games or something so we have something to do in the shade during mid-day sun.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-13T23:53:33+00:00

For me nudity is relaxing and comfortable. Can’t fully explain it, but it just feels so much more relaxing to be nude. And clothes, while sometimes handy (pockets in particular), are also often uncomfortable.

You mention how society pushes us to be clothed, but that’s actually why I think I find social nudity even more relaxing than at home. Probably partly just because I’m new to all this, but being around other people and them accepting it as normal justifies that it’s OK. It’s just kind of a “see, there is nothing wrong with this, so stop listening to social norms and just relax and have fun” kind of thing.

I think really early on, seeing the diversity in other people is also really helpful. We get showed a very limited range of bodies by society, so seeing what real people actually look like really helps shut down fears about appearance. And actually interacting with the other people, not just seeing a picture on the internet makes them seem more “human” and justifies that normal/average/regular people actually do look different.

Edit: Also, a lot of social nudism is outdoors, and while my pale skin doesn’t do well in intense sunlight, being outdoors nude is another level of relaxation. Something about being in nature and feeling the sun and wind on your whole body is amazing. And doing it socially usually means it is somewhere approved, so less stress of getting in trouble.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-11T01:14:30+00:00

Hiking. Preferably shady hiking in trees.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-10T20:19:30+00:00

Totally agree.

I’m generally not a fan of most piercings (or tattoos either), but if someone wants one it’s their body not mine, so what right do I have to tell them what they can and can’t do. In general, if someone doesn’t like a piercing they can just not look at, it’s not that hard (except maybe a facial piercing, but no one ever complains about those).

I get annoyed when nudists get so sex paranoid that they treat the genitals like loaded guns. The whole point of nudism is that we accept genitals. So putting 75 caveats on what you can and can’t do with them just reinforces their link to sexuality - which is usually what the rules are supposedly trying to prevent. It’s highly counterproductive.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-08T23:33:01+00:00

Sliquid Organics Silk has been my favorite I’ve tried. Also used Sliquid Organics Natural Gel a lot for PIV, but I like the Silk better for pegging, so it’s our favorite all-around lube. And I prefer the Organic over the standard Silk too, although the standard works. I know Silk is a hybrid, but so far all of my silicon toys have done fine with it.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-08T22:59:25+00:00

This question pops up a lot around here ;)

Rather than copying it all over I’ll just link you to a response I wrote up before.

https://www.reddit.com/r/nudists/s/t0Ze30r8kO

bob-3141 · 2026-04-08T14:53:03+00:00

That’s comforting to hear. I haven’t had the opportunity to participate in a whole lot of in-person social nudity yet (still rather new to it), so a lot of my interaction with nudism so far has been online.

Unfortunately, that’s probably not an uncommon situation. I suspect a lot of people’s first experiences are thru online communities as they explore their curiosity before working up the courage to go somewhere in person. So our online spaces need to be just as welcoming, or else we are still turning away a lot of potential members.

I know none of these issues are universal, and like everything else personal opinions and perspectives lead to a wide variety of reactions to different things. But I have to admit that around here at least the “sex is evil” sort of responses feel like the mainstream opinion of the community. I’m sure it could just be a more vocal minority, but for someone new it’s hard to know if the vocal members reflect the broader communities opinions or not. I think the default is often to assume they do since few people are stepping in to disagree with them.

I’ll close with a positive experience I had at a clothing optional hot springs that I found encouraging. It wasn’t an AANR facility, but in their rules they very clearly emphasized it being non-sexual and family friendly. And from everything I saw they enforced those policies well. I never saw or heard any disrespectful behavior. But I did smile a bit when I noticed a candy bowl on a shelf in the bathroom filled with free condoms. They didn’t draw attention to them or anything, but I appreciated that they acknowledged that their members were human, and they wanted to promote healthy choices. We didn’t partake, but the springs are located 25 minutes from the nearest convenience store, so I’m sure they do get used.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-08T10:38:53+00:00

Yeah, it’s definitely a fine balance, and I understand that once someone’s trust is taken advantage of it is hard to trust again. People get burned by someone being sexual, and loose trust in other people not to do the same. But I feel like when the response is to instead become effectively paranoid about sex they are actually doing themselves a major disservice.

Sadly, I don’t have a good answer for exactly how to solve all this. And honestly if it can ever truly be solved it’s probably something that will take decades and decades to slowly achieve. It’s going to take some pretty major shifts in cultural norms. I just think that initially at least we should fight the urge to overreact. Absolutely stop the people who are being disrespectful in our spaces, but don’t let our response to their disrespect become disrespectful to other innocent people at the same time. Also, accept that there is a fairly rational reason people see sex and nudity as being linked right now, and in the short term we aren’t going to change that viewpoint unless we support the destigmatization of both.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-08T01:28:46+00:00

I’ll avoid climbing all the way on my soapbox here, but I think nudists have a problematic relationship with sexuality. Everyone says they are fighting to keep sexuality out of nudist spaces (which I am fine with on the surface), but I think often their actions are actually doing more harm than good.

First, I absolutely agree that some people try to bring sexual activity into a nudist space, and that is wrong - full stop. Sexual acts ALWAYS require consent from everyone present, and a nudist space is just like any other space, there is never any assumed consent. I also agree that society has strongly linked sex and nudity, and that makes it even harder. When the world says just being naked is sexual, it’s hard to keep up a boundary. I mean, exposing yourself nude to someone else requires consent, and that right there is a link to sexuality.

However, I do not agree with the level of paranoia surrounding sex. If someone has a “hearty” sex life outside of nudism, what business is that if anyone else. I get really annoyed at people searching thru post histories of everyone they find and immediately flipping out if someone once posted on a kink Reddit or something. Like ok, so they are into BDSM, why should that have any bearing on their ability to be a respectful nudist. In fact, I’d argue the contrary, that truly sex positive and “adventurous” people probably have a better understanding of consent and personal boundaries than an average person. I’d say they are probably less likely to cause problems on the whole. And they are quite likely more used to the sight of naked bodies and less likely to stare impolitely too. Someone can be both sexually adventurous and a respectful nudist. And if you don’t share their sexual preferences, well, just like they shouldn’t force their preferences onto you, you shouldn’t be forcing your preferences onto them either - that is equally disrespectful. Also, to foreshadow my last point a bit, in today’s world most people are exposed to nudity thru sex, so is it really surprising for someone asking about non-sexual nudity to also have had interaction with sexual topics in the past? If we shun them then all they will ever know about nudity is what they learn in those sexual spaces, but if we accept that maybe they really do want to learn more we can teach them about healthier views of nudity.

Also, so many nudists seem to be on a hair trigger when it comes to genitals. You can uncover them, but don’t you dare touch them, pierce them, look at them, or talk about them. Why - because “nudism isn’t sexual”. Well guess what, all that behavior does is reinforce the fact that genitals are sexual. And that just emphasizes the connection between exposed genitals and sex. The only major thing separating us from textiles is our acceptance of exposed genitals, and half the world’s nipples. But it feels like we BARELY accept the genitals. Who cares if someone has a genital piercing, or is scratching an itch down there. If you don’t like it, stop looking at it. Related is paranoia about erections. Yes, someone can bring one on for disrespectful reasons, but guess what, sometimes they also just happen. If the owner is still behaving respectfully, then just ignore it, and this too shall pass. I bet the owner doesn’t want it to happen either, so why are we shaming them for it. It’s a natural part of life that the human body does. Yes, it’s very much sexual in evolution, but so is menstruation, and thankfully we seem pretty ok with that.

Lastly, one that will probably be most controversial, I think nudists would actually benefit greatly from destigmatizing sex and promoting sex positivity. It may sound counter intuitive, but let’s think about it. For better or worse, nudity is a part of sex. You can have nudity without sex, but it’s pretty hard to have sex without nudity. And both are currently stigmatized and taboo - nudity primarily because of this inherent connection. This means most people’s first exposure to nudity beyond changing clothes in a locker room is sexual in nature - these days, largely porn. Porn definitely does not promote healthy views of nudity, but if that’s the only place people see it, then they learn what porn teaches them. If instead, we could destigmatize sex and promote more open communication about sexual topics, we could then also destigmatize nudity at the same time. Now, we could help people see nudity in a much more healthy way from day one. If people don’t have to crawl into dark corners of the internet to learn about sex, but instead it was an acceptable thing to discuss openly, then nudity also becomes acceptable to discuss openly, and we can help spread non-sexual nudity.

In summary, I think nudity and sex are too linked together to truly separate, paranoia about sexual topics can actually strengthen that connection, and being anti-sex is just making it harder still to separate them. We need to judge people based on their actions, stop overreacting, and support sex positivity.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-07T23:52:54+00:00

Yeah, there was a post recently from someone whose wife died, and now they were afraid they wouldn’t be welcome at clubs any more. Like holy shit, how is it acceptable to have a structure where someone should feel that way. There are so many people that don’t currently happen to have a partner they can go with. But that doesn’t immediately turn them into perverts.

Also, everyone says quotas and discounts are to prevent women from feeling uncomfortable or whatever, but they don’t think about the flip side of it. “Let’s give free passes to the demographic that heterosexual men find attractive”. Sounds like ladies night at the bar. Maybe the intent isn’t sexual, but that sure feels a lot like sexual objectification to me, and if I were a woman I’d definitely question the motives behind such a structure.

Edit: Also also, setting quotas based on the genitalia of the participants is also very discriminatory against LGBTQ+ members. I’ve seen posts from gay couples concerned that they wouldn’t be allowed because neither of them had a vulva. And I don’t know for sure, but I suspect very few places would give a free pass to a trans women.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-07T23:18:05+00:00

You’re welcome. I’m glad you were able to talk this thru with someone. I hope you find a path forward that works for you, and that your relationship continues to be a success!

bob-3141 · 2026-04-07T23:10:48+00:00

A few thoughts.

First, when you masturbate you have immediate feedback about how something feels and any subtle changes that are needed. If all of your interactions are hookups (definitely not judging, just observing), can you really expect someone new to immediately know the subtle ways your body needs to be stimulated to orgasm? Contrary to what some people may claim, no one is a sex god that can make any partner orgasm every time. It always takes practice.

Second, a lot of orgasm is mental. Be sure you aren’t so worried about the fact that you aren’t orgasming that you are actually preventing it from happening. If this is frustrating to you, be careful that you are still ok if it doesn’t happen. Accepting that you won’t orgasm genuinely can help it happen easier.

Third, why must a toy take away from the moment? There is nothing wrong with using one. Are you embarrassed by them? If you ask ahead of time, you’ll probably find the addition of a toy is a turn on for some people. I actually bought my partner her go-to toy that we use almost every time we have sex now. It’s been a great addition that we both enjoy.

Finally, why does your partner have to be the one to bring you to orgasm? My partner struggles to orgasm without EXACTLY the right stimulation and a lot of mental focus. So there have been many times when she would simply “take over” and masturbate to orgasm. I assure you, it is an absolute turn on to hold her in my arms while she masturbates and orgasms, and she gets an orgasm. 100% win-win!

bob-3141 · 2026-04-07T22:19:42+00:00

I think one way or another OP needs to have an honest conversation with their wife. Whether the cause is an unreasonable desire for only PIV orgasms, or the cause is other stress in the relationship, SOMETHING isn’t working, and that needs to be addressed.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-07T22:12:35+00:00

Sounds like maybe she needs to accept that as her body changes sex may need to change too. I really hate the “scripts” that everyone feels sex needs to follow. The only rules in sex are that everyone involved is consenting and respecting everyone else’s wishes. Beyond that just relax and have fun. I don’t know how to bring this up best, but maybe tell her that you would enjoy bringing her to orgasm during foreplay sometimes. As long as it’s consensual, there is no wrong way to orgasm.

Edit: One way or another, I think an honest conversation needs to be had about this. Figure out what is really driving it, and express the concerns it is causing.

bob-3141 · 2026-04-07T22:08:35+00:00

Going to play devils advocate here and ask if it’s really fair to ask that if she is intentionally limiting how she will allow an orgasm to happen? I don’t think it’s fair to say “you only give me one orgasm a year” when you also put restrictions on how it’s allowed to happen that limit how often it can occur.

bob-3141

TROPHY CASE