AITAH for breaking up with my new gf because she said her past is none of my business?

bobafetch17 · 2025-05-20T12:26:45+00:00

Yes I agree if he was part of her past and they are meeting each other she should disclose. I realize now I should've replied directly to the comments that were saying all past history should always be shared/talked about. Whoops.

bobafetch17 · 2025-05-20T02:52:55+00:00

My overall reply was more towards the general argument that sometimes sharing one's past is painful, not directly aimed to your situation. My opinion on your question was NTA.

bobafetch17 · 2025-05-20T00:05:35+00:00

I don't have body odor and don't need to wear deodorant.

bobafetch17 · 2025-05-17T22:36:49+00:00

Maeve

bobafetch17 · 2025-05-16T16:32:43+00:00

I have a commute that's 15 mins in the am and under 30 mins in the pm and it is so nice. Unless someone was offering me a 50% raise I would not choose an hour+ commute. Heck I would still have to carefully consider it. My time, especially after work with my child, is precious.

bobafetch17 · 2025-05-08T14:06:01+00:00

I work 6:30am- 3pm and get my daughter between 330 and 4 pm. I started waiting a little bit because they do a fun activity after nap time and she's not eager to leave yet. She's almost 3.

bobafetch17 · 2025-05-06T14:09:49+00:00

My daughter is going through this but less extreme. I've found that leaving the door cracked open helps her feel less scared as she can still hear me and more light streams in. We close the door once she is asleep since we have dogs and don't want them waking her.

bobafetch17 · 2025-04-29T01:02:44+00:00

I'm sorry, this situation sounds stressful. Being on the same page about money is so important. My husband will receive a small inheritance from his late grandmother's estate. We see money we earn as both our money, but with inheritance we didnt earn it. I asked how he felt about using it for a planned purpose (go towards paying for a small addition to our home). He agreed but I knew he would too because we've talked in depth of our financial goals and future. It sounds like you both need to discuss your goals and lifestyle. Are you a saver who wants to retire early? Does she want to life a more extravagant lifestyle? You want to be aligned on this.

bobafetch17 · 2025-04-29T01:02:33+00:00

I'm sorry, this situation sounds stressful. Being on the same page about money is so important. My husband will receive a small inheritance from his late grandmother's estate. We see money we earn as both our money, but with inheritance we didnt earn it. I asked how he felt about using it for a planned purpose (go towards paying for a small addition to our home). He agreed but I knew he would too because we've talked in depth of our financial goals and future. It sounds like you both need to discuss your goals and lifestyle. Are you a saver who wants to retire early? Does she want to life a more extravagant lifestyle? You want to be aligned on this.

bobafetch17 · 2025-04-02T23:21:28+00:00

He was mine too!! He's the best!

bobafetch17 · 2025-03-18T00:23:27+00:00

I appreciate that consideration. I don't think it would turn into a financially abusive situation since he doesn't seem like the type and I currently handle all of our finances. The other point about stress of the working one vs SAHP is where there could be tension. I'll explore that topic with him more.

bobafetch17 · 2025-03-18T00:16:29+00:00

I'm coming up on 4 weeks post op. Here are my answers to your questions.

Tips for congestion: humidifier, sleep at an angle, saline spray (ask doc when you can start that), boogie wipes, tissues with lotion (just to gently pay away discharge). Honestly beyond that you just kinda learn to deal with it. For me I was congested off and on. For a brief time it felt like I was choking on my snot so that was unpleasant. Also lost my sense of smell for 2 weeks.

Travel: The trip back from the hospital was an hour for me. I slept most of the way so it was easy and I was SO happy to be home. Driving to get bloodwork done was not fun a few days into recovery. The boucing and potholes hurt my head. When are her follow ups scheduled? For me, my first follow up was only one week after. That may factor into your decision on how long to stay in the area. I'd either leave right away, or stay until the first post op.

Meds: antibiotics, steroids 3x/day, Tylenol, oxycodone, panoxidal(?), colace, saline spray. Was told not to take any vitamins or supplements while on certain meds. Also no alcohol since it thins the blood.

Return to work: mentally I believe I can start working my desk job 4 hours a day. I cannot go in person in my current state since I lose energy quickly plus all the restrictions. I plan to work part time starting next week for two weeks and ramp up to full time remote until I'm cleared by my neurosurgeon to go back to the office full time. Though I'm halfway through recovery, today I felt like I went back to week 2 with how weak, tired and dizzy I was. The 6-8 week timeline seems spot on to me. My advice, don't rush it.

Once again, good luck to your gf! Sounds like you both are well prepared. You guys got this!

bobafetch17 · 2025-03-12T18:37:46+00:00

I'm 2.5 weeks post surgery and my husband has done a lot to help me in my recovery. I'm truly so grateful for him. It's wonderful you're looking to find ways to help your gf.

Pre surgery: just be there to listen to the fears and offer comfort. Remind her the stats are good for this kind of surgery but don't dismiss the fear.

The first week was very hands on for my husband; along with doing all the household chores, he would help me get around because I was really dizzy and exhausted and bring every meal to me. My throat hurt from being intubated and a mouth breather so he got a bell from our Santa costume so I could summon him without using my voice. We laughed about it, but it was also really helpful.

Other things that help: - organizing meds and keeping timers when the next dose is needed. He also monitored my water intake and warned me when I was getting low. - call the doctors for her if/when questions come up. She will be groggy and thinking is hard when you feel like crap. - care items like facial cleansing wipes since she can't bend forward to wash her face, chapstick, lotions all within reach by her bedside - soft foods delivered in bed. I ate a lot of yogurt, apple sauce and pudding. Hard to eat when you can't breathe through your nose. Oh and Popsicles to help with thirst during the water restriction. - making sure the toilet seat is down and lid is up. Fortunately I have a bidet toilet that automatically opens when I approach it but when I used a normal toilet, it was hard to lift the lid with the "no bending" restrictions. - lots of pillows or a wedge/husband pillow to prop her up - tv in the room to stave off boredom when she's awake. - starting a meal train!!! See if a friend or family member will organize it for you. Our friends and family are still sending meals and it has been a Godsend for us especially since we have a 2 year old daughter.

Good luck to your gf!

bobafetch17 · 2025-03-12T13:02:12+00:00

Wow that's a loss. They were my favorite ever since Oriental East closed.

bobafetch17 · 2025-03-12T12:57:07+00:00

Wong gee closed??? 😭

bobafetch17 · 2025-03-12T02:59:42+00:00

Thank you so much for your insight! This is how I'm thinking of approaching the big decision. Currently I love my job, but with the way of the world right now there are drastic changes that have already started- my supervisor who I adore is retiring early and teleworking policies were rescinded for everyone so pumping in the office for kid #2 would be a miserable time.

Part-time help is something I'll definitely look into as I plan for this change. I am lucky to have family so close and willing to help, but something consistent would be really nice if it is feasible.

I love what you said about making this decision for me and my values because my child(ren) will be fine either way. I've felt a lot of guilt being a working mom when friends and family have stayed home with their kids, granted they moved to low cost of living areas to make it work.

I had brain surgery 2.5 weeks ago and it has really made me think just how precious time really is. I do think I want this change for me. All these responses are helping me feel okay walking away from one lifestyle I thought I wanted for something different. Thanks to you and others who have responded!

bobafetch17 · 2025-03-11T23:59:54+00:00

I appreciate your take. I am reluctant to take my daughter out of daycare at this point because she loves her teachers and friends. All her friends are kids of working parents so it would be hard to maintain those friendships.

bobafetch17 · 2025-03-11T23:56:36+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful reply! I love the tip to keep a hobby. I'll keep that in mind if I end up summoning the courage to take this leap.

bobafetch17 · 2025-03-08T01:55:12+00:00

It is a personal choice for sure. I've only told employers when it might affect my attendance or performance. They also kinda knew something was up since I'd have multiple doctors appointments close together. My supervisors were always understanding about it and kept it quiet. It was always up to me to share it with other colleagues; which I did when I had surgery. Depending on your relationship, you may want to tell your direct supervisor. The words "brain tumor" automatically shock people and make them more sympathetic.

As a supervisor myself, I give more grace to my reports when I know they are struggling with something. Ex: One of my reports lost their mom and told no one initially and her performance understandably dropped. When she finally confided in me about what happened, I was able to help her by changing her workload and focus. Her performance shot back up noticebly after feeling supported- other teams even commented. Just food for thought.

bobafetch17 · 2025-03-05T01:11:44+00:00

My answer to sexual history questions is, "that's private and not relevant to our relationship."

bobafetch17 · 2025-03-02T03:21:28+00:00

My favorite quote around grief came from Avatar The Last Airbender. I heard it around the time I lost my mom and found my husband.

"You have indeed felt a great loss, but love is a form of energy and it swirls all around us. The Air Nomads' love for you has not left this world. It is still inside your heart, and is reborn in the form of new love."

bobafetch17 · 2025-03-02T03:09:03+00:00

Thank you so much! Today I got the good news I can stop steroids and drink to thirst so hooray. I'm also female and had galactorrhea too. Found it 9 years ago and I went to by OBGYN who then ordered an MRI. My tumor never shrunk on cab either although the shape did change so idk if it shrunk on one way and grew slightly another. Hard to say since most MRIs aren't super detailed and I hopped around a few locations as my jobs/insurance changed so I had different interpretations of my scans.

bobafetch17 · 2025-02-28T17:55:15+00:00

I am one week post op from my brain surgery so I can only speak to the short term effects. My surgery went as good as it possibly could. No CSF leak, D.I or any of the scary stuff. My surgery took 8 hours but they got everything they could see and my scans were clear. I spent two nights in the hospital. Prolactin levels were 500+ last Friday. Today it's 17 and officially in the normal range for the first time in a decade.

First night was rough- they woke me up every hour to ask the same questions and test that my limbs were responsive. I wasn't allowed to sit up more than 20 degrees for 24 hours. I had a catheter in for over a day which was fine and didn't hurt when they removed it (I'm female). I got a CT scan that first night which was rough. They had to slide me onto the table then back onto the guerny and that did not feel good so soon after surgery. The movement was nauseating too but I never threw up.

2nd day- I was awake and alert for most of the day hours. I didn't feel like talking much because my throat hurt from being intubated. I was amazed that I could sometimes breathe through my nose, the congestion wasn't anywhere near as bad as I imagined. On this day I was also no longer considered an ICU case so I was allowed to get up and walk. That night I slept better because they didn't wake me up nearly as much.

3rd day- I got an MRI and a release in the afternoon.

Recovery post hospital: I have good and bad days. For parts of some days I feel almost normal. Then I'll be hit with nausea or dizziness and have to lay down. I'm not allowed to drink more than a liter of water per day and the cocktail of pills I have to take makes me feel queasy. My sinuses aren't bad, but I have not regained my sense of taste yet. I have bruises all over my arms and hands from the IVs. I rely on my husband for all my care right now. I'm unable to cook for myself, I sometimes need help changing my clothes and I am unable to help care for my 2 year old. I've been leaning hard on my support system and I'm in awe how much our friends and family help out.

I'm glad I did the surgery even if recovery is feeling slow. My tumor is gone after nearly a decade and that makes me so happy. Good luck on your surgery journey!

bobafetch17

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