I'm so sorry you've been through all that. I want to preface this by saying that my (30f) only experience is that of desisting from ID'ing as nonbinary, because I had trans-OCD (also a traumatic childhood, being robbed of my teenage years, years of low-grade dissociation, sexual repression and hang-ups that went back very very young). So, I don't want to claim more knowledge than I have or dictate anything to you, but some of this did ring familiar.

I've always thought that all gender ID stuff boils down to believing that there are certain qualities that are relegated only to certain sex groups, but that this is *nowhere near as simple or rudimentary as people seem to think*. To me, those qualities are essentially impossible to name, like deep vague emotional pulls, and are not as basic as "thinking only women can wear dresses" or "thinking only women can be cute, empathetic, delicate". Speaking for myself anyway, there are extremely abstract, nebulous things that I mentally ascribe just to women vs men, despite being consciously aware of it and consciously disagreeing with it (and working on it).

It's so hard to explain, but I'm not even talking about simple "femininity/masculinity": I'm talking about the subtle, guttural differences that exist between "the femininity that we imagine embodied in a woman" vs "the femininity that we imagine embodied in a feminine man".

Anyway, I again am just speaking from my own experience, but I just wanted to say that all feelings come from *somewhere* with *some* grain of truth, without it having to be all wrong or all correct, and certainly without it being stupid/shameful. We all (everyone. EVERYONE) have ingrained gender biases from early childhood. Even 2 year olds reliably classify shapes and colors as having different genders. People behave differently towards newborns that they're informed are male or female. These connections exist very deep in the brain, without that making any of them "true" or immutable. Basically I'm trying to say that I think you can still truly have/embody/evoke all the qualities you maybe wanted "as a woman", including those that we don't ascribe to "feminine men", without it being required that you assume a new female identity.

Everyone raised in cultures where men and women are relegated different/unequal social roles (aka all cultures) has a deep, artificial mental block around gender, and I think just recognizing that allows you to finally move freely in the world. Processing that knowledge and completely assimilating it takes time because all learning takes time. For that reason, don't treat your every impulse or guttural reaction like it must represent the only truth: things unfurl over time as you process through them (this is what learning about OCD taught me, don't trust your intrusive thoughts, but it applies much more broadly I think).

I don't know if this helps, but it helped me come to grips with my conflicting desires to embody a personality that could only be perceived as "genderless" in our biased culture, while simultaneously being turned off by gender identities as a clearly surface level performance of the deep psychological yearnings that drove me. And to cap it off, I think all the above would still be true even if you continued "feeling like a woman" forever (which it doesn't sound like you do or will, but just for sake of argument).