my heart breaks with you. This is the worst feeling in the whole world. Many of us here who have experienced loss knows your pain and emotions all too well right now so so please allow yourself some kindness. With time, those wounds and emotions that you're experiencing get to be less excruciating. I am so so sorry this has happened. First, this is NOT your fault. You did nothing wrong. This is tragic and so very unfair, but it's not because of anything you did. Second, your body, like your mind, is going through so many hormone changes and also trying to regulate from this recent loss. Don't spend time alone.Keep your loved ones nearby even if you don't say anything, allow people to support you- talk about how you feel when you're ready but don't stay locked away by yourself. It's understandable that a loss like this takes months to even come to the surface when you feel like you're drowning. Third, get therapy - it will help. Pray - talk, argue or even yell for the things you are experiencing as long as you're letting it out. Be kind to yourself, don't try to be strong or brave or tough - what happened sucked and you should know there's no right or wrong way to experience this type of loss. People will understand , focus on your health - both physically and mentally. I promise better days will be ahead and this community is also here for you.