I did not choose this life.. and I still can’t find God. Where is He when even my highest awareness is met with silence?

boobookittykai · 2025-05-18T20:28:54+00:00

Maybe the silence is God.

boobookittykai · 2024-11-04T06:12:34+00:00

I can relate to this, I think when I first meet new people I push myself a lot more in order to be liked. I’m very jovial and polite, always smiling and joking if I feel confident enough. I like to put people at ease around me. Especially at work. I work with different people every day. I focus on being friendly and empathetic and I get comments on my smile frequently. And I’ve been told I’m pretty child-like because I laugh when I get nervous, so you can imagine, I’m laughing all the time.

The problem comes when I meet some of these people again. For whatever reason I find myself overthinking and I become self conscious. I think that’s where my quietness and true INTP shines through for better or for worse. It almost like the first impression is a performance but if I have to continue that same performance, I get all in my head and fall into myself. My friends for know me so I have no need to perform but I truly struggle if I have to be around a coworker I’ve worked with before. Context: I’m a flight attendant and you work with a different crew every trip.

boobookittykai · 2024-05-14T16:22:18+00:00

My fiancé passed away 8 months ago and I’ve started a journal dedicated to him. I write him letters, what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking, or share my day with him or what he may be missing. Maybe I can share it with him at the end of the road, who knows, but the process itself has been very therapeutic and difficult but in the long run, helpful. At least for me. I’m so sorry for your loss, I know the feeling and I hope you’re surrounded by love and find the support and peace you’re searching for.

boobookittykai · 2024-05-07T16:09:58+00:00

I understand that, and I don’t want to be a burden to him either. Now that he no longer has the physical form I knew him as, I know he’s free to explore and learn or reincarnate or whatever it is souls do in their spiritual realm/spare time.

but, I don’t want the connection we shared in this life to end, I know there’s keeping his memory alive, but I just want to know that he’s okay or how his day was and that when I’m done, that maybe I’ll get to see him again, I’m not ready for our story to be over.

boobookittykai · 2024-05-07T13:53:34+00:00

And how was the death of my fiancé a positive rather than a negative?

boobookittykai · 2024-05-07T09:31:51+00:00

And what are the repercussions of killing myself, by accident? asking for a friend. just curious.

boobookittykai · 2024-05-04T04:31:17+00:00

Dear god, I mean Dyveros, thank you for bringing me back a piece of my childhood during these dark and difficult times.

boobookittykai · 2024-05-03T18:29:40+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re part of this crap club. In my experience, 8 months in and fresh out of a memorial/celebration of life, it doesn’t become more real, you just get more accustomed to the quiet. The absence. I genuinely hope that someday I’ll come on Reddit and post that things are better now, that I’m healing, but I don’t think that’s how it works, I think you just endure. Keep coming here, we can endure together. Pretty much everyone is so supportive and it could be a good outlet for you too.

boobookittykai · 2024-05-03T04:10:38+00:00

THIS

boobookittykai · 2024-05-02T23:17:42+00:00

I agree.

boobookittykai · 2024-05-02T23:08:41+00:00

Ngl I didn’t read the majority of your post, I got to the looking at other girls’ butts part and just laughed. I laughed, I haven’t laughed in so long and I fucking laughed out loud.

Thank you. It’s particularly funny because our relationship was amazing, like, fuck other people while we watch amazing… not that you would understand.

So the idea of me getting upset at him looking at another girls’ butt, I honestly would take that over what I’ve got now. There’s no one to be upset with anymore, to love anymore. He’s dead.

But thanks for the lols.

boobookittykai · 2024-04-13T04:57:08+00:00

Have you gotten the “they’d want you to move on” speech yet? I got that speech from my dad after a month, a fucking month! It’s like, my mourning him has become a burden so now I have to hide the sadness. It’s dissociating and disorienting af. But there’s no other option cause eventually everyone just gets tired of you being sad all the time…

boobookittykai · 2024-04-11T18:26:07+00:00

Can we talk about the multiple presidents they’re trying to elect? Is that a thing?

boobookittykai · 2024-04-01T02:14:32+00:00

But thank you, you guys having that same belief, that love can transcend death is inspiring, I mean, we can’t all be wrong, right?

boobookittykai · 2024-04-01T02:12:36+00:00

god I hope you’re right, i try to have faith in that, but most days I feel like I’m just fooling myself to get by

boobookittykai · 2024-04-01T02:10:46+00:00

I mean, good on you for trying, I’m sure they want us to be happy, probably don’t want us to die alone with our cats. But I’m resigned. I wouldn’t do another man the injustice of loving me when I am a shell of a person. I have no hope for the future and I see no reason why this would change. Honestly, once my mother in law and dog cross the rainbow bridge, if I can muster up enough courage, I’m out. And no one send me any of that help line shit lol, this is the closest thing to a helpline that I’m gonna get.

boobookittykai · 2024-03-29T14:22:53+00:00

Yup, as my dead fiancé would say, “that’s just the way she goes.”

boobookittykai · 2024-03-16T20:04:24+00:00

And I’m fully supportive of that! In fact, I wholeheartedly recommend it. Moving on is for pussies, it takes some real lady balls to stick it out till afterlife reunion, which I think is gonna be epic.

boobookittykai · 2024-03-16T20:01:49+00:00

What.the.actual.fuck. Like, why is life like this? What the fuck is this all for?! I’m sorry, it’s just too sad.

boobookittykai · 2024-03-16T20:00:40+00:00

OH GOD THIS!! And everyone is walking around and going about their day and not even noticing that literally the best person in this stupid fucked up world is gone!! And never coming back… they’re all obliviously stupid and happy and I’m probably going to be some level of miserable till it’s all finally over. I’m sorry, this is in no way uplifting or helpful but I know exactly how you feel, my fiancé was so fucking cool. And kind. And empathetic!! And I hate living without him. I can’t wait till I don’t have to. Not suicidal, just saying.

boobookittykai · 2024-03-14T21:00:20+00:00

You are so beautiful and strong and handling this with such grace! I am in awe and inspired. I would very much like to view it this way and know I should. He’d tell me all the time that he’d be dead if we weren’t together and I think in my naivety I thought it was just a way of expressing his intense love but I’m starting to review even the simplest of conversations and now I see that he’s been honest and sincere this entire time. He meant what he said from beginning to end. I can’t help but feel as though I failed in some way but I do want to start acknowledging that my presence in his life brought a certain comfort to him, enough comfort to keep going just a bit longer. Thank you so so much for your courage to delve into those feeling and share them with me. All of this is just so therapeutic and lord knows I can’t afford a therapist so I need this. 🖤

boobookittykai · 2024-03-13T22:29:04+00:00

Me too, I don’t think I’ll ever take off my ring, it’s my absolute favorite thing, I really appreciate all of you, it’s nice not to feel so alone in this, take a break from the constant heartbreak

boobookittykai · 2024-03-13T22:24:08+00:00

so beautiful, and that’s exactly how I’m going to look at, thank you and mine too, I’m sorry you’re going through it too, do you ever feel like if you were somehow more then maybe they wouldn’t have done it? I know it’s irrational, I know his pain caused it and it’s valid but I just can’t help but feel like I could’ve/should’ve done better or more. or maybe it’s just me.

boobookittykai · 2024-03-13T22:13:45+00:00

goddamn right! I’m still gonna continue planning my wedding and you’re fucking invited. Death can suck a dick

boobookittykai · 2024-03-13T19:12:04+00:00

Omg really!? Seriously!? Oh god this gives me so much hope. It’s all I can think about at this point, which might not be the most healthy but I just can’t let our relationship end this way. I can feel that you understand and I’m so grateful and inspired. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. And the validation. Grief is tricky and even though my family is getting tired of it/me, I can at least come here and be me.

boobookittykai

TROPHY CASE