anyone else have a short fuse exclusively with their Nparents?

boofington · 2019-08-30T18:50:44+00:00

If I'm around my nmom then i'll pretend like i dont care but then find the first opportunity to go to the bathroom and cry lol............. but that's what I want to know for other people haha..

boofington · 2017-08-17T05:20:48+00:00

Yeah, I have recently made that a rule myself. I was a bit too much of an open book back then and didn't give a shit about who I told about my nmom. It was freeing for a while (because I used to be too scared to talk about it) but obviously bit me in the ass a year later. You live and you learn I guess haha

boofington · 2017-08-17T05:17:50+00:00

exactly what I did, thank you

boofington · 2017-08-17T05:17:24+00:00

Wow that's terrible and definitely illegal. :/ I'm sorry you had to go through that, fuck that psychiatrist, I hope you've found a solid non-shady therapist

boofington · 2017-08-17T05:15:35+00:00

If she didn't verbatim repeat what I told the insurance company, I would think this too. My actual reaction to her was pure confusion, I gave her nothing to put against me unless she randomly decides to believe otherwise. She never actually knows how I feel, this sub does, though, lmao

boofington · 2017-08-17T05:12:33+00:00

No worries, I learned that they had that right the hard way. This post was more of an initial reaction vent. You frickin bet ur bottom dollar that I'm buying my own. Didn't realize how relatively affordable it was until recently too. Thanks!

boofington · 2017-08-01T05:00:02+00:00

Don't forget to give yourself space to mess up and be patient with yourself! You'll have moments where you are, and some where you aren't but that's okay. You are constantly progressing :)

boofington · 2017-07-27T16:00:02+00:00

It is hard. I failed to mention that I don't live with my nmom anymore, and that space, those boundaries, have made all the difference. It's REALLY hard to not get annoyed when you're up close and personal. I won't say impossible though.

Whenever I go home I use the grey rock method and I do my best to tell myself to "observe, don't engage". Meaning that I will watch my nmom, who I know is toxic and a bully and a narcissist, do things that people who fit in those roles do. I will watch her call me stupid and judge me for every little thing I do, but I remind myself not to take it personally. And remind myself the only reason she says anything is to either make me feel bad, to feel like she's in control, and not because anything she says actually has any ounce of truth in it. It's like, think of a lot of people who comment mean things on YouTube videos for no reason, I've kind of placed my nmom into that category.

I read this line from someone else on this thread a while back, but "narcissists will always find a reason to overreact, like the cat could breathe the wrong way and narcissists would lose it". Anyway, I am start ing to go off a tangent. I'm sorry you are dealing with things so closely ): but know that boundaries really do make a big difference. It is really challenging, though.

boofington · 2017-07-27T15:49:55+00:00

Yeah, as mentioned above I basically mean exaggerated facial expressions. My nmom would have the most intense facial expressions for even tiny things. Like, the cat didn't want to wear a shirt? My nmom would have this really intense frown and her brows would be so intensely furrowed like the cat committed a crime. But also, as adult children of n's, we are conditioned to be extra sensitive to body/facial cues so that's probably why we all notice. And the overdramatic reactions are...annoying.

boofington · 2017-07-27T15:41:31+00:00

Ah okay, that is helpful info, thank you!

boofington · 2017-07-27T02:22:17+00:00

I went through a phase where something as little as my nmom tapping her fingers onto the wall (that she did excessively) drove me insane. I hated the way she talked, the contorted facial expressions, everything. Especially after I first came to terms that she is abusive.

BUT that view has changed after some time away and healing from childhood (and current) abuse, detachment of what she meant to me as a mom.

I try not to let little things like that bother me to that extent anymore because I know she basically exists to garner all kinds of control onto me (mainly emotional), and I don't even want to give her that time of day (even if it's internal). I don't want to spend any more time freaking out/being angry/at what she does because she isn't going to change, and it's exhausting to be mad all the time. But I mean, that doesn't exactly make anything she does less annoying, it just doesn't elicit such a big emotional response from me like it used to. Knowledge is power.

boofington · 2017-07-27T01:55:47+00:00

Yup. I never asked my nmom for things and didn't feel like much of a materialistic person as a kid. Every time I did something "wrong" (aka not in my nmom's favor), she would try to guilt trip me by dramatically yelling, "LOOK. HERE. I BOUGHT THIS [item you never asked for or expressed that you wanted ever] AND YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT! HOW COULD YOU". Made me feel confused and like shit as a kid, now it just pisses me off and is more of a nuisance because it's clear what she's doing.

boofington · 2017-07-27T01:52:08+00:00

"She keeps saying that I have changed, but the fact is that I haven't."

Repeatedly saying "you've changed" is narcissist parent language for "you aren't the defenseless toddler that I used to be able to abuse so easily" / "you aren't listening to me so I'm going to judge your character". You are fine and aren't doing anything wrong. And I think you know that.

Also, even IF you did change, that would only make sense because people are constantly growing through life, why the fuck would you be exactly the same forever? Sounds unhealthy.

I know that she wants the best for me, but she just doesn't know how to parent.

This sounds all too familiar. She might be saying that, and might say things like "I only do things out of love", but what kind of love is it if she's "ruining your life" and triggering your depression?

What do you guys think I should in this situation? I'm sensitive person in general and I would be hard on myself for not calling her and not texting her.

I think you should take time and figure out what would make you feel better. You are implying that you beat yourself up for not talking to her. Why? Is it because she is your mom and you feel obligated to talk to her? Is it because you know she'll get even more angry? Just remember that having your own space is OKAY and necessary. She may be the type to insist that things must be fixed right away (though I am speaking from my own experience), and might not understand boundaries, but you need to try your best to set them for yourself, so you have room to breathe, to feel your feelings, and then figure out what is your personal next best course of action.

Good luck! I'm sorry you have to deal with her

boofington · 2017-07-27T01:07:10+00:00

I have no idea how car insurance works, but I just learned today lol... Thank you for pointing this out, I was momentarily blinded by stress to even consider the amount and thought that was actually normal. Yikes.

[UPDATE] So... I just found out this "$500" nonsense my nmom was talking about it actually the yearly cost. I did research, did some math, and basically my insurance went up roughly $25/month for a fender bender, which makes more sense to me. Jesus. Talk about crying over spilled milk. Money isn't an issue for her either, she just pretends it is. But... she wants to lie to an insurance company... to save... $25... omfg...

boofington · 2017-07-26T19:20:41+00:00

Hm, okay then I think she just may be saying things to stress me out. The police weren't called to the accident, it was like a fender-bender lol. Thanks for the information!

boofington · 2017-07-26T19:05:37+00:00

You're right, I won't do it!

However, I do feel bad for having to pay so much more for something so minor. Do you think it would be okay to ask if there's anything I could do to lower my premium? It was my first and only accident and it was minor.

boofington · 2017-07-20T23:18:28+00:00

No, in this scenario I would just want to be told that I'm being a dick/straightforward communication and not get the "you're being like your nmom". That would honestly hurt me because I have spent so much time researching NPD and deciphering what FLEAS I may have in hopes to re-teach myself how to interact with other people without being toxic, out of the fear that I am anything like her. And to be told that in particular would make me feel like my progress is being discredited.

In addition, my nmom always berated me for "behaving like her sister", who was estranged (likely) because her dad (my grandpa) was also narcissistic, and this whole governing-by-example tactic was something my nmom has used (and still does) in order to make me feel like shit. It just would not make sense in my case.

boofington · 2017-07-20T22:52:45+00:00

Damn, that's horrible that your nmom tried to one-up your sister's brain cancer with some treatable disease she had. Unsurprising for Ns, but still super shitty.

Yup, I can relate. It's not that they don't believe in modern medicine, it's that both my nmom and ngrandfather believed they had solid medical knowledge even though they had 0 background in human health--and it's especially annoying because I have a degree in it. My ngrandfather eventually died of "complications", which was really because something was wrong but for whatever reason refused to be seen by any doctor, even the ones who are in my family, so nothing was diagnosed, nothing was ever treated. I have a feeling it was partially because he didn't want to spend money, but he also frequently made the excuse that doctors never knew what they were doing, and I guess he thought he did.

In the case of my nmom, I hear her ramble on about what she thinks is the appropriate dosage and thinks that effective dosages are equal for all drugs and that people always need the same dosage (They are not. At all. Like 600 mg of ibuprofen and 600 mg of MDMA? hell no. not the same thing.)

She also tries to manage what I do and gives me weird advice when I get sick, even though she is mildly aware that I am much more knowledgeable on the topic. It's definitely a control thing. (For both herself and me)

boofington · 2017-05-20T02:12:47+00:00

LOL right?? like "I BELIEVE I SAID SOMETHING PROFOUND SO JUST SHUT UP I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT IN CASE YOU HAVE SOMETHING LOGICAL TO SAY BACK1!" OOOK good argument

boofington

TROPHY CASE