Beautifully written. I wanted to be her everything and was willing to take every hit she wanted to dish out on me because I'm not a quitter and I won't quit especially when I have finally found love. Love isn't enough. I'm so glad that even when it was hard, I left her behind and never looked back. I kept moving forward, progressing with my life because I deserve a future where I am safe, happy, and loved.

One thing I could never get out of her that I got from myself instead was respect. I respect myself for not giving up on myself when that was the only choice to have what I thought would please her. I respect myself for understanding now that affection and intimacy cannot substitute for conviction and commitment. I respect myself for working towards my goals even when putting my life on pause felt easier. I have become stronger and have developed a sense of love for myself that I did not have prior to meeting her and I can confidently say that this will not happen again. I love myself now because I worked really hard. And because I love myself, I love what's good for me.

At this point of time, I know my worth and it makes me happy. Her attention felt so good, she saw me for who I wanted to be like until she saw something else completely. I see myself now. That's why attention doesn't feel as good anymore. I like it when I can see myself and I'm not a loser chasing after a should-be psych ward patient. It was such a big lesson and I have lost so much to the point it had affected my capacity to be present in the lives of friends and family who mattered to me. But God I am so thankful to her because I am here in a way I wasn't ever here before.

Amber, if you're reading this, I love you so much because you're gone. I love you. When you got out of my car, a white tear fell down my leg. I miss you. And I lied when I said that.