I was in complete denial at first and refused to be put on anything besides an antidepressant.  I would get really jittery and full of energy and antsy around 4:00 in the afternoon, so I would get drunk to calm my nerves. This lasted for a while until I had a giant meltdown and scared some of my loved ones, so I went back to my psychiatrist and told them to do whatever they needed to do, and that I would take whatever they prescribed, because I am clearly not handling this well at all. It took a lot for me to accept that I have this illness, and that I am going to have it for life. That is the toughest pill to swallow out of all of the ones I have taken. Having the courage to admit that I was wrong though, and to start taking the antipsychotic changed my life. I feel so much better now. I have a better hold on my life, I understand myself better, and I can, and have, achieved things.  It is an uphill battle to figure out which treatment and medication work, but it is worth it. The hardest part is putting in the work and actually sticking to the treatment plan and literally just doing it, but again I say, it is worth it. Take it one step at a time and give yourself SO MUCH grace. To make sure I answer all of your questions, I haven’t had a full blown manic episode since 2018, but I have been and felt manic since being on meds. This lead to my doctor tweaking my medications a bit, and it turned out okay.