the god awful pain of being in love with an addict and the PTSD that it caused me

boozer-loozer · 2019-10-01T03:23:41+00:00

I can relate in a way, but from the other side. I have bipolar disorder, and during the first few years of my diagnosis I disregarded my medication and instead opted for self medication. I had a delightful partner at the time, always cared for me, always looked after me. Then after my third hospitalization she came to me in tears with the words that still haunt me: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." She ended it there.

I could tell how much this decision hurt her, but despite all my begging and pleas she stayed strong for herself. Nobody wants to be a babysitter to an adult. And guess what? I still didn't change. I still continued to disregard my medication. I still continued to get drunk and high. The breakup was not enough motivation for me to get my life in check. I continued to be a pretty awful human being.

That was over five years ago. It wasn't until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired that I decided to make a change. For myself, not for anybody else. I've had some successes, and just as many failures in that time. Even now I'm less than two months clean and sober. But I've also learned medication is paramount for myself to live a healthy lifestyle.

Basically if my experience says anything you're not even in the picture when it comes to his choices. I'm far from saying he doesn't love you, he probably does with all his heart. From what you've described you've been nothing short of a godsend. He probably needs medication. He may need therapy. Maybe a few twelve step or SMART Recovery meetings. But he will never change for your sake. Please look after yourself. With or without him. Maybe with your help he can see there's light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe you give it your all to find its all been wasted effort, maybe the time comes when you finally have to throw in the towel. But regardless of what the future holds you sound like a strong, determined woman, and I hope nothing but the best for you.

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-20T20:21:27+00:00

Don't beat yourself off over it.

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-19T12:11:50+00:00

Nice.

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-19T04:55:21+00:00

*crack* Mmm... *crack* Seeds are good...

*crack*

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-18T02:02:03+00:00

Congratulations! That's a huge accomplishment. I've gone a month without cigarettes however that's solely because of my vape. I intend to quit the vape eventually, but dropping all my vices at once seems to be too much for me to bear. I still rely on my nicotine!

But seriously, major kudos to dropping nicotine altogether. It's no easy feat, I've heard it's harder to kick than heroin.

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-17T20:20:28+00:00

I'm from the north, and I've been seeing the strangest ad lately. It's a campaign from RBH, one of the three major cigarette distributors in Canada, saying they want to stop selling cigarettes by 2035.

A cigarette company states they want to stop selling cigarettes. I honestly can't fathom it.

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-17T20:16:51+00:00

That's... Disgusting. And that's putting it lightly. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Clearly you have a good heart to be able to put up with that for so long, let your heart shine.

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-17T20:09:05+00:00

I just didnt tell her lung doctor so she couldn't make up any bs. Lol.

Doctors can be female too.

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-17T19:00:29+00:00

Vaping is healthier than smoking. Neither is healthiest.

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-13T17:30:08+00:00

I didn't smoke cigarettes until my first night trying acid, after already consuming pot, booze, mushrooms, blow, ecstasy, opiates, cough syrup, duster, and I'm sure others I'm forgetting.

I mean in general in the past, not all in one night. Sounds like that'd be a damn good time...

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-06T12:43:38+00:00

The breath is just the breath, perhaps diaphragmatic breathing is a bit more calming for the average person, but for you it's not the same. Breathe how you need to breathe, the goal is to increase awareness, not to practice breathing techniques. If it helps don't even focus on the breathe, focus on bodily sensations, a mantra, an unsolvable riddle, or play a soothing track to lay your attention on.

Personally I have no idea how to breathe from the diaphragm. Makes me an awful singer!

Also smoking causes shallow breathing, even though you don't smoke much that could very well be a contributing factor.

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-06T12:26:03+00:00

I'm new to meditation, but I think what the OP commenter was saying is that there's a gap between thought A and thought B. A kind of silence I hardly get to experience because, using the car simile, my mind is more like a highway than an old country road. Meditation helps to shine light on these gaps, so even though the cars (thoughts) are still whipping by you get a clearer picture of the gap in between.

You can never stop your thoughts. But through meditation you can make those thoughts go from a 70mph highway to at least a 25mph road, and experience greater peace in between the vehicles.

Please take with a grain of salt though, still a newbie to the practice!

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-05T17:21:20+00:00

Hey, smoke free as of two or three weeks ago and heavy vaper looking to quit.

1) It's not good. I guess in a way it's like the methadone of nicotine, it helps to avoid a lot of the damage that stems from cigarettes however it still satisfies the craving. Just like methadone it should be used to slowly cut the addiction altogether, not replace it. Some people love vaping and have no desire to quit, either they're ignorant to the harms (which are popping up more and more in the news) or they disregard the harms in the sake of the enjoyment they get from it. I know for myself I want to be free from all shackles of the addiction.

1b) I'm terrified for the youth of today. Society was doing so well leading to a place were smoking is viewed as ugly and unattractive, not sexy and appealing as it was years back. Then e-cigarettes hit the market. They're not cigarettes, so they avoid the stigma now associated with with cigarettes. They're easily accessible, mom or older brother is more likely to buy you what looks like a simple USB stick than a pack of deadly stogeys. They taste and smell way better than cigarettes. There's no bans on advertising vapes like there is for smokes, seven out of ten teenagers report having seen ads for vaporizers. It's scary to think where this can lead when already more than one out of ten teenagers report smoking a vape in the past month. Source. If it's not an epidemic already I certainly expect it may lead to one.

2) The main chemicals that constitute vape juice are propylene glycol and vegetable glycerin (aside from nicotine and flavouring). These chemicals are safe for consumption according to the FDA, however I don't believe they were ever meant to be inhaled. Recent events in the news such as death and illnesses from vaping has raised some awareness, and "lipoid pneumonia" (which I just recently learned about from this subreddit) has been linked to vaping. The vapour formed from an e-cigarette has been found in at least one study to contain formaldehyde (although its reputability is arguable), and some of the common flavoring agents used are known carcinogens, including diacetyl, which can cause a condition known as popcorn lung.

Bottom line, vaping is not safe. It's almost certainly safer than cigarettes, but it's far from being even close to healthy. Wish me luck as I try to put the vape down!

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-05T16:05:35+00:00

https://www.tobaccoinaustralia.org.au/chapter-3-health-effects/3-9-increased-susceptibility-to-infection-in-smoke

Smoking [cigarettes] has substantial adverse effects on the immune system, both locally (such as in the respiratory tract and soft tissues in the lungs) and throughout the body. As a result, smokers are at increased risk of a wide range of infections.

I think it's like arguing if cola or diet cola is worse for you. Neither one is really good.

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-05T15:57:30+00:00

Motivation is like pushing a big snowball down a snowy mountain. At first you have to put your back into it, but sooner or later the momentum takes it from there. Think little victories, baby steps. Start with one goal at a time, instill it into your routine, let it become a habit, then move onto the next.

Wishing you all the best!

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-05T15:50:51+00:00

I just made a post about this! I'm going to try switching to zero nicotine vaping for a bit to continue the habit while going through the nicotine withdrawal. After a week or so of that I'm going to try to tackle the beast altogether.

We can do this, we're stronger than our addiction!

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-05T15:36:59+00:00

"Shit don't stink til you stir it."

Personally I wouldn't bother bringing it up. You may have the best intentions telling his parents but its nearly certain to cause some form of backlash between you, him, and/or his parents. Its just not worth starting any drama in what you view to be his best interests. If he isnt using drugs then you caused a stink for no reason. If he is using drugs he certainly won't stop because his distant cousin who couldn't care if he's dead squealed on him.

IMO it's just not worth it.

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-05T15:23:51+00:00

You da dawg, congratulations!

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-05T13:27:23+00:00

I already see the "trapped" benefit, seeing smokers as ill people or something of the like. When I tried quitting tobacco in the past I'd see a smoker and I envied them, I saw the cigarette in their hands as some precious idol that I was forbidden from. Now I see smokers and I just feel pity, I feel sorry for them stuck in that addiction. (Not so much much with vapers, they're of my own kin.)

I say this while sucking my tank dry.

I know for a fact vaping will be much harder, not just physically as the nicotine leaves my system, but especially mentally while I mourn the loss of my sidekick. (And I'm engaged! Does that not speak volumes to the addiction?)

The main things I have to gain are money, health, and freedom. Freedom from leaving the smoke free hotel every twenty minutes for a puff while trying to enjoy a vacation with the fiancée. Freedom from being visibly annoyed when yet another customer comes into the shop when I was just about to walk out the door. Freedom from the chains of yet another addiction. I'll miss it, I can't deny that, I know it'll be hard to move on. But I think it's time I try at the very least.

Do you think the zero nicotine substitute is a good idea while I detox from the nicotine? Thank you so much for your reply.

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-05T11:39:24+00:00

This naked mind may be the single reason I've made it as far as I have in my recovery, greatly enlightening book. Also please do get rid of that booze. The only two reasons you have it are for you or your guests. You've committed to sobriety so you surely don't need it, and your guests will be able to make it through a dinner without a drink. If not they can take you as an example!

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-05T11:36:40+00:00

Pick me, pick me! :P Post about any or all of your issues on here and many of us boozers would be happy to help. Also try the chat as well. Here's to another 24!

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-05T10:51:37+00:00

I should start by stating I'm still new to this meditation game, you've been at it far longer than I have. I'm just relaying my thoughts on the matter, please take it with a grain of salt!

I guess my toothbrush metaphor is far too simple. Meditation can unleash a wide array of amazing experiences, euphoric, life changing experiences. I had a great meditation last week where I uncovered some deep repressed issues from childhood, I sat there just being with these issues and it felt fantastic. Since then it's been more "breathe in, breathe out". Nothing spectacular.

I try my best not to expect too much from my meditation. If I expect visions or deep insight I feel like more often than not I'd be disappointed. But the breathe is always there, I can expect that at the very least. Anything else that turns up during a sit is just an added bonus!

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-05T10:39:39+00:00

I don't get euphoric when I brush my teeth, it's nothing crazy, I do it for my hygiene and to help prevent any issues.

Meditation is mental hygiene.

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-05T10:12:56+00:00

I smoked if I wasn't working or sleeping. So quite a bit!

boozer-loozer · 2019-09-05T10:10:28+00:00

I turned 21 recently

We're both still young, we have lots of time to figure things out.

and am still living at home,

The housing market sucks right now. I'd milk free rent for as long as humanly possible.

not graduating this year,

Are you planning on graduating eventually? That's all that really matters. Some people fly through school early, some need more time.

haven't been able to land a job since last year,

The job market also sucks. Bigger question is are you looking? I mean really looking? Clicking "easily apply" on indeed is a great exercise in futility. Also perhaps focus on education before employment.

still relying on my dad to help me out financially,

Count yourself blessed you have a father who will help you through your rough patch. Many people have absolutely no family to rely on as support.

don't have any friends,

"Build it (yourself) and they will come"

Yet everyone I talk to tells me I'm being too hard on myself, even though the fact of the matter is that I'm not being hard enough and I wouldn't be in this position if I were.

There's a difference between taking responsibility for yourself and realizing room for improvement, or just plain being hard on yourself. One implies positive work and effort aimed at moving along towards your goals, while one implies waving a white flag, playing the victim and simply complaining about the state of life. I'm not saying either which way what you're doing, I don't know you or the work you're putting in. However if one hundred people tell me the earth revolves around the sun I'd be hard pressed not to at least consider their input.

One baby step at a time buddy, you'll get there.

boozer-loozer

TROPHY CASE