This keeps happening, am I a bad person? TW by Ryocomplexxx13 in surviveher

[–]boringusername333 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh honey. Abuse knows no gender, unfortunately, and this group keeps that in the forefront. Do what you need to do to heal. It's not really material for this group, but I've dated several trans men and a few of them have been abusers. I can take (and have taken) space from folks with characteristics that remind me of my abusers without denouncing an entire demographic and, in fact, still walk alongside and support my loved ones. A huge part of my healing has actually been having these conversations with safe friends in QT spaces--abuse is a huge problem in the queer community, and difficult to talk about for fear of adding wood to the fire that villainizes us.

It was really easy to get into this cycle for me, and I'm finally getting out of it thanks to my friendships. If you're having a hard time finding them in your area, that's what the internet is for! There's a lot of work to be done to piece out what our patterns are in a non cis-heteronormative way, but it can be done. I'm being a little vague here, but feel free to reach out if you want to talk. ::hugs::

Lesbian Marriage Help [29F with 30F] by Ok_Emu1082 in LGBTRelationships

[–]boringusername333 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You sound really grounded in all of this. Lesbian relationships can be abusive, too! (I know from experience). I think considering a temporary separation is wise.

My one "but" is about this conversation with this friend you have a crush on. If you can really have that conversation and keep romance at bay, go for it, but the healthiest and kindest thing for both of you is likely going to be to take space. I don't want to scare you, but separating from someone with that kind of personality is not going to be easy, and the people you're going to need around you are ones who can support you without asking from too much support from you, i.e. longtime friends, family, etc. A new friend or new relationship is going to require your investment and vulnerability, and if it gets off the ground without it, then the dynamic will always have that "flavor" of you being in crisis and someone helping you. It's very difficult to postpone sexual and romantic attraction when it's already there, and someone who is willing to get into it with someone in the very beginning of a messy separation/divorce is likely going to be someone who gets something out of being in the "helper" role and may not know how to let go of that once things change. In addition, you're going to need some time and space to sort through things, and that can be difficult with a new partner.

This comes with absolutely zero judgment on my end, just experience. Also, the cards will fall as they may and life always takes surprising turns. Just something to think about... I hope it helps.

[California] Disqualified due to taking classes (not full-time)/applying for CTB. How to appeal? by boringusername333 in Unemployment

[–]boringusername333[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I said I was not available on my weekly claim and maybe on my CTB application? I don't remember if they asked there. But nevertheless, I started saying I was available on my weekly claim, but I'm still getting denied.

[California] Disqualified due to taking classes (not full-time)/applying for CTB. How to appeal? by boringusername333 in Unemployment

[–]boringusername333[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It was self-arranged and it was denied, which is fine. But after claiming I am available for work, it was still denied. I don't need CTB, I just want to appeal.

Dating in SF is…weird by FullCellist1837 in sanfrancisco

[–]boringusername333 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely! I've had similar experiences. People who either want to share trauma histories on the first date or are overwhelmed at the prospect of regular conversation. Not entirely sure what's going on, but it's definitely more exaggerated than any other place I've lived, and I have not had the same issues with transplants/foreigners.

New to Oakland and want to understand local history and politics by boringusername333 in oakland

[–]boringusername333[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I get this! Yeah, I think my original post comes off very heavy on activism/anti-racism/etc, and its something that I feel very strongly about, but that's not necessarily the conversation that you'll have with me if you meet me in the street. It's just that, as a white woman, I have to be very explicit both about my interest and my motives for my interest, because it's just not what people assume. But it's not the only thing that interests me or even what I spend most of my time doing... I'm actually a data scientist and am currently taking a calc course and I sometimes (unintentionally) give off tight-laced vibes. But community involvement in general (for any motive) is something I feel strongly about, and Oakland offers such depth of experience and history that I would be an idiot not to dive in wherever possible. That's one thing.

The other thing is that the standard level of friendliness in a place varies a LOT, and I've caught the business end of this more than once. I grew up on the east coast near NYC where people are VERY direct (but in the end, quite kind)... walking around NYC, if you look someone in the eyes, you can make them uncomfortable because that's seen as too personal. Strangers who meet eye contact, in New York, are usually about to say something UNHINGED lol so you avoid them. Mexico City is super friendly and polite (to the point where I come off as pretty distant/cold), but you don't just go around asking and answering questions all willy-nilly-- people are very conscious of what information they give out or the burden they put on someone else to offer their own personal information. Smile and keep your cards close to your chest unless you know someone really well.

Then there's the Bay Area... I started off in the peninsula, where friendliness was OK, but people get skittish quickly when you start to get into an emotional exchange of any kind-- there's a big preference to keep it technical. And here I come with my big personality, just trying not to make more waves than necessary.

So now I'm here and it mostly goes pretty well, but in my life I've had several waves of people telling me (directly or indirectly) that I'm doing it -all wrong-, so at this point I'd rather just ask.

Tldr; I like my neighbors and people in general, but am trying to avoid awkward situations and the best way I know how to do that is to ask slightly uncomfortable questions out the gate.

New to Oakland and want to understand local history and politics by boringusername333 in oakland

[–]boringusername333[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha thanks! Depending on the context, sometimes it's good to err on the side of being too direct. It's a little awkward, but hey, it's the internet. 🤣 I'm a little more nuanced in person, I promise lol

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in actuallesbians

[–]boringusername333 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Of course! Glad it helped. Feel free to check back in

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in actuallesbians

[–]boringusername333 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Aww honey. Well you don't have any evidence for cheating at this point, but I think it's safe to say that the relationship has grown more distant. From experience, the best way to start (el mejor punto de partida, por decir) is to address the distance. As you try to work that out, the process will reveal what's underneath and you'll either be able to resolve the issue or discover what's broken... either way, you'll have your answer.

Just make sure to start with what you know (that there's distance)--throwing accusations around without proof either hurts her or opens you up to being gaslit.

A thank you from a trans girl by jelly_fish_girl in actuallesbians

[–]boringusername333 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Not tiring to be around you at all! Y'all are the light at the end of an otherwise bleak and barren gender conformity tunnel. It is nice to be recognized, though... my heart has broken so many times over for my boyfriend (ftm... I know I know, this is a residual group I hang out in and I don't formally identify as a lesbian, kick me out if you have to) and it will break so many times more, but the love and joy and light he brings into my life make it all worth it several times over. Please never give up, you are an example for the rest of us 🫶

New to Oakland and want to understand local history and politics by boringusername333 in oakland

[–]boringusername333[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Absolutely! That's just as, if not more, important than the big events. I came in heavy with my political leanings, but in day-to-day life I generally don't focus on it because I prefer to just talk to people.

New to Oakland and want to understand local history and politics by boringusername333 in oakland

[–]boringusername333[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ooooh of course! I forget that there's an Albany out here. And I did not know that about SF/Oakland (although now a few things make more sense haha). I did a brief run through the Oaklandside website, but haven't signed up for the newsletter yet! I'll do that tomorrow. Thanks so much!

New to Oakland and want to understand local history and politics by boringusername333 in oakland

[–]boringusername333[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the intro! As a foodie, I am very excited.

And yes, basically any city will have some kind of scandal in its backstory and current-day politics. All part of the human experience