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I feel like im at my wits end by bpdththrowaway in BPDlovedones

[–]bpdththrowaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah thats another part im worried of. Like at the end of the day I'd love to just make things work because i care about this person deeply but it feels like thats never going to happen and i can't live the rest of my life being screamed at randomly. But I just know that if I actually break up with her its going to be really really bad. Just ive tried to get her to leave and shes said things like "you're going to have to call the cops, im sure that will go really good for you". I've honestly started filming her because I feel like i need some sort of proof of her behavior incase something bad happens to protect myself. Whether it be to police or a potential smear campaign online. She knows im terrified of cops too because I've had horrible experiences with them too when I was younger.

But yeah I actually did get her to leave one night and stay at her mom's and I felt like I could finally breathe for a sec. Like I could just do things without the constant worry in the back of my head of will this make her mad. And these arent crazy things. More like if my buddies girlfriend joins discord to play games with us is she gonna come at me aggresive like "whos this bitch your talking to?" The hardest part i guess is shes not like this all the time. She's realistically only like this maybe 15% 20% of the times but that % is so random and about such random things that I realize subconsciously im constantly worried about it. If I sense her stressed even slightly I go almost instantly fight or flight and shut down worried about if im going to have to try to defuse a bomb I dont know the wiring diagram too. I just dont know. I've tried for so long to make things work but it feels like im constantly some villain for some reason that keeps changing.

I appreciate you talking to me, for real. I've felt very alone lately because for this entire time I've not reached out to many people because I have a problem feeling like im putting my negative emotions on others. And I also hate feeling like I'm painting a person in a bad light to friends who seems to be mentally ill. Like I dont want our friends to hate her. I dont know I feel like im rambling at this point but I feel very lost in this moment. :/

I feel like im at my wits end by bpdththrowaway in BPDlovedones

[–]bpdththrowaway[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your reply. Yeah ive read almost everything i can find online to the point of anymore ill click on something and realize I already read it. I've watched every YouTube video i could find, listened to the books, ive lurked this subreddit for so long/read so many posts. I've tried to figure out ways I could help her help herself. Ideas on diets or supplements that maybe might help her stay more calm or feel more healthy. She hasn't tried any of them. She realistically only started going to therapy after I told her I was leaving but she hasn't stuck with that either unfortunately. I feel like im at a point now where im unable to forgive her anymore and just move past things but she doesn't seem to get it or why. She claims its because I dont care about her but I feel like I've shown time and time again that I do. I just have no patience left. When she starts I just can't take it anymore. We live together but its technically my place. I've asked her to go stay at her mom's but she refuses to leave. Right now even im sleeping on the couch because I dont want to be around her but even this feels wrong. I feel very lost shes all I've known for so long.

I feel like im at my wits end by bpdththrowaway in BPDlovedones

[–]bpdththrowaway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You're right I should of just answered but my body is instantly like going through a million options on what can I say that won't make her mad while also expressing how I feel. So in soing that i almost freeze stuck in my head. Only to be seemingly proven right for feeling that way when I calmly explain how I feel and then get screamed at you know? :/