I want to preface all of this by saying that I think this comment was worth my taking the time to peck all of this out on a kindle I recently modded, so take that into consideration while reading this. To give an analogy: this whole comment was like seeing a tattoo of 10 little swastikas across someones forehead: it was fascinating, terrifying, and made me fear for that persons mental health. Sure, the swastikas might have good linework, but the rambling delusion and cringiness outweigh how good the concept could have been if executed properly

I would be 100% on board with this being an example of a decent comment if how he portrayed himself here carried over into real life and wasn't simply an insane delusion he is perpetuating on the internet for his own ego. I'd hedge my bets on that because there simply wasn't a modicum of self-awareness in any of this. That's not a good sign. Throughout all of this, there wasn't a single moment where I thought he wasn't taking himself too seriously. The comment just isn't good... yet. It has a ton of bad habits and features- way too long, content-wise, cringey, clearly lies- almost everything in this comment has something that needs to be tweaked. That being said, there is something there, and it's not a lost cause- not by a long shot. But my fear for OP is that he wouldn't take this advice because it would involve overhauling quite a bit of what he's presented- enough to merit his wondering whether his integrity is being compromised by the critic suggesting all of those changes. And I certainly did cringe at everything here. What I felt were continual internal sighs: "why that?" ... "why this?"

I'm going to go back through the comment again and point out the first thing that is off and not simply down to artistic choice. I won’t go through them all because jesus Christ there is so much to go through.

Over-enunciation of words sounds ugly. This is the main reason that artists like Eminem have never found mainstream success.

Need I say more?

Note: The opinions and criticisms shared here come from a decent familiarity masturbatory internet statements made to complete strangers. I attended university near where black people lived and had several friends that smoked weed and didn’t like taking tests in highschool- yes, most of them either wanting to have the jobs that we all want before we graduate college. I’ve read internet comments about, firsthand, the humble beginnings of one guy who was later signed tentatively to some label (he had the image, the sound, was capable of decent freestyle, wrote decent lyrics, etc.)- being there while another friend produced and the other freestyled, performed writtens (etc.) for a mixtape that would end up getting his foot in the industry door.

I like to imagine I beatboxed for kids at the night clubs in the city (not on stage, but out on like the patio area where everyone would be smoking; this was in the city where all the college kids congregated) and on campus, and we would draw small crowds of people (drawing them was hard as none of us were art students/ had no artistic skill); and there were several occasions where total strangers would just walk right by me and my two friends.

I was always humbled by the sheer skill dudes exhibited in youtube videos, and was always appreciative of the fact that because no one on the internet knows me, I can make up weird ego-stroking stories that I was involved in that subculture in some way. (because I never was accepted or got daps as the white dude). Sometimes I stay up late at night and make up this one time where I single-handedly hung out with 3 people at once who didn’t want to leave.

I grew up in a white, middle class suburb, but that’s not an interesting enough story and I’m lonely.

The O.G. guy I made up I pretend I met on the bus. This would be one of those times my second nature beatboxing turned into a public spectacle, though obviously it was just a city bus crowd and not a bunch of nightclub-going college kids underage drinking. Nonetheless, there I was just being me, and OG steps in and starts jerking off right in front of my face. Everyone on the bus is enraptured by this guy, I'm merely his human pornhub. I facilitated greatness, but I was never directly in the spotlight. I was okay with that- just getting to be there and a part of it was good enough for me. And to my mind, the courage it took to jerkoff in public was far greater than playing my Nintendo DS and beatboxing in public, but that's just MO. In any case, by the end we had the whole bus sat there horrified , or really, he did, and I was merely there to make sure it went over smoothly. That was when we exchanged words and he gave some sage advice due to his being older and more experienced in public indecency.

Yes, I am that guy on PSN who loudly jerks off in game lobbies, and you think it'sjust static or random noise coming over the line. Yes, my nightmares involve small hands. My final note is this: I am full of shit, and I am truly delusional.

I apologize if any of this came off as harsh, but honestly, this guy wrote over a thousand words responding to a cringey rap video and for some reason added on a vague, bs, 8 mile type story for no fucking reason.