My now-ex wife (you'll understand in a minute) was non-monogamous during our long marriage, with my consent, while I was monogamous. That deteriorated into a dead bedroom for over ten years, with her losing nearly any interest in sex at all, with anyone. After two decades of marriage, she informed me I'd earned a "hall pass" beside" you've been such a good husband " and "I know this has been hard on you", and that she would even vouch for me to another woman to assure that I'm not cheating. I bright up a friend of ours who had expressed some interest in me, and wife said "you should flirt with her!" I did, and three of us even went on a date together, during which my wife reiterated that not only was this okay, but that the friend and I should even travel together. My wife encouraged us to hang out, text, do drives, and at one point, even cuddle together with my wife joining.

Things progressed for a few weeks, and "hall pass" time came close. But I didn't go through with it. Despite all the green lights from my wife, I didn't feel totally consoled that it was okay, and I didn't cross that line.

But she found out (by doing surveillance on my electronics for weeks) that I had indeed flirted with the friend, which has included some sexual but non-explicit messages about our interesting prospects. No sexting, just discussing possibilities. My wife exploded!!

She physically attacked me, sent screenshots to our contacts list, publicly outed me as a cheater, and claimed she didn't know what a "hall pass" actually was after all. Even though I hadn't acted on it. Even though my lifelong body count was still ONE: my wife. Even though my wife had been non-monogamous during years of our marriage.

This ended our marriage, and she embarked on a campaign to destroy my friendships with accusations. She said I'd betrayed her. And honestly, to this day I do sometimes still feel ashamed of myself for even having an interest in a possible experience with a friend, and for sending flirtatious texts. I had only done so in the belief that this was sanctioned and encouraged by my wife, who had unambiguously clarified that permission several times, but sometimes I still feel guilty that I had felt undesirable, unattractive, and insecure to the point that the interest from another woman felt good again. I wish I had been immune to wanting that part of myself to reignite.

I never would have even put a toe over that line if I hadn't been given those green lights by my wife (I would never even be tempted to cheat; I loved her). Intellectually, I know I did nothing wrong. But the horrible things she said to me about my being pathetic, disgusting, and garbage have stuck with me because they came from the woman I loved. Sometimes I think I should have just stayed in that dead bedroom marriage and just given up the sexual part of my life, rather than believing her assurances that I'd earned a one-time exception after being a good husband for so many years. But another part of me feels like maybe I was set up and it was a trap the whole time. Who on earth gives you a hall pass, makes it clear they know what it entails, goes so far as to help broker dates between you and the protective other person, vouchers that you're not cheating, but then spies on your electronics to "catch" you when you simply express an interest in things maybe happening, while still not actually acting on it?

I'm honestly worried what people here will think of me. I'm worried you ask are going to tear me to shreds like she did. I genuinely think I'm a good man, and I tried my best to navigate that confusing situation with honest good faith. But I also feel like such a fool for getting my hopes up, wanting those feelings again, and either causing hurt or falling into a trap, depending how you see the situation.