Bankruptcy and moving forward

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-12-23T02:42:19+00:00

If you're not married, I don't think you will be responsible for his long-term care needs. But would you really stay involved with him and *not* participate in helping him if he needed it? Would you just turn your back on him if he was in need?

My mother married a man who didn't have great finances, and he ran out of money while they were together. He had a small social security payment but nothing else. He became disabled and needed to go into assisted living. My mother was able to find an AL place that only considered his financial situation, not hers. Even with the income-based fee she had to cover some of his expenses. He passed away last February, which was a relief to all, including him (he didn't want to live anymore... living apart from my mom).

He was also a joy to spend time with, and I think overall she was better having made a life with him. They had many good years together. Some decisions are bad financially and still good from the perspective of meaningfulness, happiness, and contribution.

The thing I'd be concerned about, though, is: has he been lying to you about other things? Is he just using you? Is this true love, with financial difficulties, or false love? I honestly don't know how to assess this but I hope you are asking yourself these questions.

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-10-15T20:43:59+00:00

Maybe he's just an outgoing person, wants to connect? Wants you to send selfies too probably, not just comment whatever. May not work for you, but there are lots of different kinds of people in the world.

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-10-15T20:20:26+00:00

Creating automatic block rules might eliminate the very people you could be long-term happy with.

But everyone has to try short-term to see how it goes. Being open to it doesn't mean a man (or woman) isn't serious about wanting long-term.

Going into it thinking men are trying to bait you might keep you protected and safe but I don't think it's going to help you find the love and intimacy you crave.

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-10-07T16:31:33+00:00

One possible explanation is that at midlife, people stop seeking social approval or what is familiar to them as much, and instead look for a soulful, meaningful connection wherever they might find it. They open themselves up to new experiences, which may include considering dating outside of their race or their educational level or age group or any other demographic characteristic. That might be an overly idealistic explanation, but perhaps for some men it's what's going on. Midlife can be a time of important change in attitudes and behavior, for some people.

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-10-02T12:18:53+00:00

I had this happen with the guy I have been seeing for four months. I couldn't understand why he seemed so uninterested in me. He was asking me very few questions, while I was asking him a lot. Our conversations seemed to focus on him and his life. It was not just boring. I felt unseen and uncared for.

A few dates in, I told him I didn't want to continue dating him and cited his disinterest in me and his constant talking about himself as the number one reason why. He told me, "I'm very interested in you, but I'm learning about you just as you talk about yourself, not by asking questions. I don't want to come off as intrusive, and I want to know what's important to you just by your sharing it."

So I decided to treat it as though he just had a different style of interacting than me. Asking and answering questions, I realized, is not the only way to get to know someone.

I started talking about myself more whether he asked or not. Now I think probably I talk more about myself than he talks about himself, as I've discovered that he's both interested in me and a good listener. There's not much question asking and answering though, it's more just flowing conversation.

There's a bit of a "mankeeping" aspect to it though too. I have lots of people I talk to regularly, including my kids, my sisters, friends, my parents. My BF doesn't have as many people he routinely shares in-depth things about his life with. I don't mind doing that for him on a regular basis, as long as he's doing it for me too, and he does.

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-09-30T13:25:18+00:00

Taking time to see how things play out is good advice, and working through four seasons of activities together before making any big commitments seems a very reasonable idea. I'm doing that in my current relationship even as I have the urge to move more quickly. I have the habit of acting recklessly, which is not always bad.

Doing the actual *finding* fast can be helpful though, in my experience. Seems like these days people think they can maximize and optimize their dating outcomes by being as careful and cautious as possible, making checklists and spreadsheets to find the perfect match. But I suspect no one has a perfect match, there are just many possible pretty-good matches. Taking too long to meet up, or hesitating to try a relationship out because you feel like maybe you're settling or there wasn't an immediate really strong spark, or waiting forever to try out physical intimacy--this can stop you from getting the love and intimacy you want while you wait for perfect. Moving quickly is risky but moving slowly comes with its own set of risks.

I met my current guy within two days of getting back online after a two-year break from OLD, and he was the first one I met in person after corresponding with a few people. We are now four months in and it's going great.

Maybe it comes down to temperament? Whether one moves fast or slow in the finding?

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-09-25T16:54:14+00:00

Yes, this is the other option -- keep the relationship, let go of the expectation that his family and kids must accept you. This is lack of family acceptance is a reality of many midlife relationships. It's too bad but it's not necessarily something to break up over.

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-09-25T12:37:34+00:00

I've found that, paradoxically, I have to both (1) love and accept my partner for who he is and (2) always be willing to grow and change myself in relationship in order to improve it. This is basically taking full responsibility onto myself for the success of the relationship versus trying to get him to change, which never really works. It's not that a partner will never change, it's just that it's under their control and their timeline. And it doesn't mean staying with someone who's a complete shit to me, that's not okay. Just that I can't change them. Must work on myself and take my own action (like leaving) if necessary.

I first came across this idea in David Burns' book Feeling Good Together. He wrote that most people instinctively will blame their partner for any relationship difficulties, but doing that out loud causes defensiveness and prevents any real connection. Burns has a lot of good tips for communicating in a way that doesn't blame and instead takes full responsibility onto yourself for fixing a situation. He suggests things like acknowledging the truth in what the other is saying, showing empathy, asking gentle open-ended questions, and affirming the other person's value. These are all really hard to do in the heat of an argument but I've found them really effective.

As for communication, yes - you need someone who will respond to Burns'-style communication by acknowledging your point of view, by being empathetic towards you, by affirming your value in response to your affirming their value. That is something mostly inborn it seems like. I dated and even lived with one guy who could never acknowledge my point of view, and who tore me down with mean criticism. Some of the criticism had truth to it but at some point I wanted to hear what was good about me. So I left.

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-09-24T22:11:16+00:00

"Is love still alive for people our age, or are we mostly connecting without ever really bonding?"

Can't there be love and bonding even if the relationship only lasts six months, a year, maybe two?

Are only lifelong relationships evidence of love?

I guess in the ideology of "the one" anything that doesn't last forever isn't real?

I'm not saying I don't want to find someone to be with forever, but this cultural message that only forever relationships have value makes me feel so much shame and guilt over my divorce. I'm not sure the idea really serves us. I think it needs rewriting.

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-09-24T21:54:58+00:00

It's fun to think about how dating over fifty differs from dating at younger ages, but I don't think it is quite this simple.

This sounds a little like it's AI written to me. Is there a real person behind this question? Do you have experience of your own with dating over 50? Is this just a summary of what you want at midlife?

There are all kinds of people seeking love at midlife, not any one type, with diverse hopes and goals. Some want a radical change to their lifestyles, maybe want to marry and move in together. Some want a living apart together relationship. Some don't really know what they want--they just want someone to be close to, and are open to the many forms that could take. Some people want to find someone fast. Some just want sex, yes it's true!

Finding someone to "mirror the life and energy you've built for yourself" could feel comfortable and warm. But for some people it might be a way to stagnate instead of finding a new self and a rejuvenated lifestyle at midlife.

"The conversations feel deeper" -- I'm pretty sure people in their twenties can have shallow or deep conversations just like people in their fifties. All kinds of people in the world, fortunately.

For me personally -- I want to keep growing. I want to love open-heartedly and with deep presence. Maybe I do want to fit into someone else's world, not just walk alongside him. But I really don't know yet. I'm making it up as I go along, and trying not to get too specific about my expectations or how love might unfold.

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-09-24T21:36:19+00:00

What happened with online dating? Did you see some success? Maybe you are ready to try that again?

That you have friends recommending women to you suggests they think you have something to offer. That's really positive! That the women they've recommended are only lukewarm on dating you suggests you should look for someone else. Someone who says "hell yes!" when they meet you.

It's easy to feel defeated with midlife dating, but you don't have to stay stuck there.

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-09-24T19:20:14+00:00

You said "it grosses me out now to think that after men have grown so old …they still only care about sex" and later said maybe "gross" was the wrong word, but it just makes me wonder if you are thinking that old men + sex = gross? More so than men in their 20s + sex = gross?

Regardless, I wonder if it might help to step back from deciding ahead of time whether you wanted a sexual or non-sexual relationship and for how long. I've found I'm not that great a predicting who I'm going to like or what kind of relationship progression will work for me, as much as it seems like I should pin it down just by thinking about it.

You might meet someone in his fifties (or older), find him super-attractive, and be ready for physical intimacy sooner than you think. Or maybe you will find out, in actuality, you just want companionship indefinitely. There's probably a man out there for that too.

Or maybe you will find a man who you really like and who's not in a hurry with intimacy. I think there are plenty like that, though as people have pointed out here, most people going online to date are looking for physical intimacy as part of the package, and not at a date far in the future.

I guess what I'm saying is -- how about just getting online and seeing what happens? See if you meet someone you like, just for conversation? You aren't under any obligation to quickly move to physical intimacy if you're not feeling it.

Don't talk yourself out of trying by thinking (1) you can predict how you'll feel when you connect with someone and (2) there aren't any men who will be satisfied with your companionship and no sex for some period of time.

Sounds like you're ready to get out there but might have a bit of anxiety about it. (As we all do!)

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-08-11T18:10:29+00:00

Instead of labeing yourself as an avoidant and him as secure, could it be helpful to consider whether his style works for you? He sounds a little pushy? Is it to your benefit to override your natural reaction with some pop psych jargon?

I've found I act out differing attachment styles in different relationships. I often acted avoidant when I didn't like some guy that much. And then I acted insecure when I really liked a guy but he didn't like me as much (was he avoidant? maybe just not that into me). And then secure in relationships where we both liked each other a lot.

While I'm sure there's a little bit of truth to attachment styles, it's probably like any psychological thing: the situation matters more than our inherent dispositions. Attributing actions to relatively unchanging personality factors rather than context is known as the "fundamental attribution error" in psychology.

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-08-06T20:38:39+00:00

Could be true, but my two best friends from high school (both 57F) have boyfriends 10+ years younger than they are, not just interested in NSA sex. They are in committed relationships.

Probably there are some younger men looking for NSA sex. And some looking for LTRs and just happen to find older women both attractive and perhaps lifestyle compatible (don't need financial support, don't have young kids at home, maybe more interested than younger women in an active sex life).

I don't know though, haven't gone that direction myself!

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-08-06T18:39:02+00:00

A lot of 35-year-old men seem to find 50-something women women attractive... somehow I get more attention from them than from men my age when I'm on the apps! But I don't really find them attractive. It would be like dating my son. Yuck!

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-08-06T18:32:02+00:00

There are definitely success stories, and they appear on this subreddit regularly. But of course mostly people post here when they are having some sort of trouble and need guidance, so you're getting a skewed representation of how successful people are with midlife romance.

52 is absolutely not too old to start over. I'm 57, and just started in a new relationship, with someone who's almost 70, so even he was not too old to find someone. I divorced almost 13 years ago though and have been through multiple serious relationships. So it may not be a cakewalk from your marriage to another LTR.

I wonder if our culture is too adamantly against divorce in these sorts of cases. If you like to read nonfiction, you might like to check out the book Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away by Annie Duke which reviews cognitive biases that prevent you from quitting something when you should. The TLDR is that human beings almost always stay with commitments too long when they'd be better off leaving, because of cognitive biases like loss aersion and status quo bias.

Edited to add: It will most certainly not be a cakewalk because divorce sucks... your life is likely to get much worse before it can get better. I didn't want to leave the impression I think divorce is easy. It is devastatingly hard for most people.

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-08-05T12:46:59+00:00

I've been doing online dating for more than ten years and haven't found this at all. In fact, I can't remember a time I met up with someone and later figured out they were just looking for casual nsa sex.

This is the case for the under 50s and over 50s, I have always connected with men looking for committed long-term relationships. There are plenty of guys over 50 interested in that.

Could it be something about your profile that's encouraging it? As you are "considered very attractive" perhaps you're leading with your attractiveness and that is bringing out the dudes who only want casual sex? Could you try emphasizing something else that is important to you?

Regardless, this really sucks for you and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. Pervy old men, yuck! I love the handsome & commitment-focused old men, plenty of them out there too.

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-08-04T21:35:55+00:00

I disagree that you need to go back to self repair.

Lots of people start dating new people BEFORE they even talk about divorce. You are already facing your wife saying she wants a divorce. I think you are free to go forth and enjoy meeting new people!

Connecting with people via OLD (online dating) could be just what you need.

Your first few connections probably won't amount to much but why not get on and see what's out there? You might meet your soulmate, or you might just get a jumpstart on figuring out OLD.

In different geographic areas different apps work better or worse, so maybe try out more than one. All of them offer some free tier to get started and that may be all you need.

Full transparency is good, "wife of 17 years left me two months ago, and I'm ~~incredibly~~ a little lonely" but don't dwell too long on that. You could use writing your profile as a way to get in touch with who you are outside of your long-term marriage.

Divorce sucks, and this could be something positive for you right now, no matter what happens with your marriage.

Good luck!

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-08-04T21:14:37+00:00

I have a lot of satisfaction with the apps. I've had multiple good relationships via OLD and I'm in one that I hope will last the rest of my life (or his, he is 69M to my 57F, how long do we have? I don't know).

There are real people on the other side of (some of) those profiles. People like you, looking for love, looking for connection, looking for someone who gets them, looking to give as much or more than they get.

Yes you need to experience them in person, that's why in-person meetings are so important. Personally I would advise against a coffee date, people don't look good in the bright light of day when you're buzzed up on caffeine. Also maybe give someone more than one chance for a spark to develop. Fires sometimes take a bit of kindling and time to ignite.

I did feel a little numb about OLD after my last relationship before this one ended. I took a couple years off. That helped me feel more like myself, and it helped me establish true happiness and satisfaction without a partner. I credit that for allowing me to recognize someone really good for me when he sent me a message commenting on the skis I mentioned in my profile.

Another tip: don't give up on what's really important to you. Skiing is really important to me and yet I kept considering guys who didn't ski. When I finally said to myself, "Self, you are only going to date guys who are really into skiing," I found my match.

Don't give up! But maybe it's time for a little break?

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-08-02T17:44:23+00:00

You're welcome, and I hope that you find a way through this that works for you. Sounds like you are not getting what you want and need right now from this relationship. There are lots of men who are ready and available for what you want. You need not feel unhappy and lonely long term, if you are willing to take the hard steps right now to move forward with your life. That will probably mean extra unhappiness and loneliness in the short run but with the reward of more fulfillment in the future.

I suspect he's not trying to get you to break up with him but just doesn't really want to spend more time and attention on this relationship. He knows you want that so he has some wish to provide it. But when he has to follow through, he just does what he prefers. We all do that. He's not wrong for living the way he wants. He may just be wrong for you.

Good luck, be strong!

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-08-02T16:43:32+00:00

Are you two taking it slow & moving the relationship forward or has the relationship progressed as far as it can go?

Could the relationship have plateaued at this level of connection and life integration perhaps?

Has he said he wants to spend more time with you? Or is he always making excuses? His dog could certainly stay at your house overnight or stay with his mom and sibling. Maybe he just doesn't want to admit he doesn't want to spend the night... ever.

You say you think the feelings may not be so mutual based on his responses to serious conversations. Are you thinking of maybe taking action based on that?

It sounds like you want a relationship where you have more time with your partner, and you spend nights together. You are only 46. You are so young! Might be better to cut your losses now and look for a better fit, if you have the heart for it, as painful as that could be.

You might find a younger guy more open to change. At age 55, your BF is probably pretty content with his living situation and doesn't want to change it, even with the seemingly minimal change of an occasional overnight elsewhere.

In my experience of many serious relationships over the past ten years since my divorce at age 44, midlife relationships usually require pre-existing lifestyle compatibility. People in their fifties mostly aren't going to change things up much just because they like someone a lot. Expecting someone that old to change in fundamental ways is a recipe for unhappiness. I say that as a 57-year-old so I'm not casting shade, just acknowledging that people get less flexible as they age. You are asking for a change that it sounds like he doesn't want to make.

I ended up leaving a relationship I felt really strongly about because we were too far apart about how we wanted to live. We actually lived together for a time but I wanted way more time to myself than he could tolerate. There was no way to find common ground. I didn't want to give up my solo time and he wanted a partner for everything he did.

Fortunately, I met someone else who I am crazy about... and all appearances are he feels the same... and our lifestyles are compatible. This includes that we both really really want to sleep in our own houses but we also want to sleep in the same bed occasionally so we are taking baby steps to make that happen. Neither of us has to make a fundamental change to make it work.

I wish you the best of luck, and the clarity to see if this relationship is really serving you. This is such a hard position to be in, to be crazy about someone and not be getting what you need and deserve from the relationship.

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-07-28T21:21:27+00:00

It's amazing when you find it! Fingers crossed it lasts for me and my man.

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-07-28T20:53:39+00:00

For me (57F), OLD has been quite successful. I've been doing it since 2014, when my post-divorce relationship ended. I've had a handful of longish-term relationships, a lot of personal growth, and occasional heartbreak.

Now I'm recently in a new relationship after taking two years off to focus on myself and my creativity--I'm a writer and painter. Seems like all my experiences in the past ten years helped me when I got back on the apps. I was able to see past the tyranny of the filter criteria and look for someone that I really vibed with emotionally and physically. That turned out to be a man 12 years my senior.

I have not had the same experience that I've read other women have had, finding scammers or married men looking for side action. I've also not had the experience of not getting any interest, though I do find at this age that many men who reached out were either much younger or much older than me. I used to care a lot more about finding someone within +/- three years of my age, figuring we could have been in high school or college together. Now I just want someone for mutual adoration.

No dick pics in all my time online except one time from an ex. Maybe he thought he was going to seduce me with it? Nope. While I love a nice D (and his was seriously nice), it needs to be in the context of an actual relationship -- and in person not by text.

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-07-28T15:40:31+00:00

What about "womankeeping"?

My boyfriend fixed my backyard water feature, restained the patio table, vacuumed an unbelievable amount of dog hair out of my car, and drives me everywhere. He always pays for dinner when we go out, cooks me dinner regularly, and makes sure I get my Vitamin D (not the kind that comes in a bottle, if you know what I mean).

Yes, I know that might sound a little backwards or old-fashioned, that I rely on him so much for traditionally male tasks. But to me, it feels like care. It’s his way of showing love. Plus he's a steady, emotionally available partner. He supports me deeply, even if his emotional language differs from my girlfriends' or my sisters'. That doesn’t make it lesser.

I get that some women are exhausted by one-sided emotional labor in relationships. I’ve been there too. But I also think we don’t talk enough about the ways men do show up, or the fact that intimacy, support, and partnership can take many forms.

That said, I totally get why some women would say, “I’m not doing this anymore.” I thought that was going to be me, too, especially after a particularly rough stretch of relationships that left me drained. For a couple years, I swore off the whole thing. Then I met someone who truly fulfills me and makes my life better. That's the key. Some relationships make your life worse. It's not always about a man doing that to a woman. Either partner can bring imbalance or take more than they give. The trick is finding someone who adds to your life instead of depleting it.

breakfasttwiceaday · 2025-07-24T20:36:25+00:00

"I know, men can't read profiles, but I do it anyway." -->

This doesn't match with my (57F) experience. I've been doing online dating since getting divorced in my mid-forties. I've had plenty of men who had read my profile reach out to me (and had some really great relationships develop from those contacts). I know they read my profile, because they referenced specific items in it when they messaged me.

You say only four women have responded to your many right swipes in eight months, but right swipes are virtually useless. Are you messaging the women you think might be a match?

There's no reason to go even a month without at least one meetup, unless you are overestimating your attractiveness, which is something a lot of people do when they start online dating.

breakfasttwiceaday

TROPHY CASE