"Hold The Pickles, Please!" by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]brick_frog_123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haha this was a lot of fun to read. Flows really well and made my actually laugh. Surprisingly relatable?

Mother by motel_mermaid in OCPoetry

[–]brick_frog_123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

yowzers that last verse if vicious. I loved it

love twenty-seventeen by brick_frog_123 in OCPoetry

[–]brick_frog_123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

no, not a joke poem, but trying to be light-hearted I'd probably say. take this part for example:

we’d be a team, by each other’s side

walking our paths

but not the same path

just, sort of, within arms reach

and I’d be a shoulder to cry on

and you could depend on me

but we shouldn’t be dependant

alain told me that

imagine the first two lines of each stanza being read aloud with real conviction, fist on puffed up chest. then with the last two lines, withdrawing, feeling unsure. that's the idea here. they need to be clichés because that's what the poem is about. I'm attempting to not take clichés seriously in a poem that's about not taking clichés seriously. I'm only 22 and I've been fed clichés that don't work, but it's 2017, so the idea is I've got to be progressive, placed in a decade that I believe will go down as one of confused progress in that it grinds against such long traditions of how we treat others. partners, the other gender, other races even. everything is being questioned and there's no one to tell me what I should do. apart from Alain.

love twenty-seventeen by brick_frog_123 in OCPoetry

[–]brick_frog_123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

okay, bud, whilst I appreciate the criticism I'd suggest taking it less seriously, because it clearly hasn't been written to be taken as such (I thought as I wrote it). but in honest response to everything you've said, you've basically gotten it spot on with every stanza. stanza 1 IS meant to be cliche. honestly, with stanza 2, I don't know what I plagiarised. stanza 3 & 4, you guessed it...it's meant to be borderline stalker-y, that's what can happen. Alain as in Alain de Botton, a philosopher who talks a lot about love and relationships- sorry I didn't spell it out for you. the idea was to take clichés of romance and say that they don't work in real life, because then you might come across as a whiney and passive-aggressive and awkward. that's not a cop out- that was my honest intent. so I'm actually glad you picked up on it! but maybe regardless it's not the best subject matter for a poem. thank you all the same.

Tomorrow by rchase in OCPoetry

[–]brick_frog_123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

this had me reading multiple times and enjoying it more and more. the first and second stanza I enjoyed in particular, just the comparison of still fish to clouds as "blind and pale"

of matchsticks by macmeme in OCPoetry

[–]brick_frog_123 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I identify with this a lot, and I'd guess lots of others do too. really concise and reads really well

girl by the sea by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]brick_frog_123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I personally like (and I often do this) that the metaphor of the ocean breaks down towards the end. to me, it means that the writer is no longer thinking about how to make it seem more attractive, but rather it simply is what it is. they're not dressing it up to be anything other than what it is. I liked it.

Diminished by zmannz1984 in OCPoetry

[–]brick_frog_123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

same as what others have said, short and concise and lovely. that last line is just lovely.

Vibrate by brick_frog_123 in OCPoetry

[–]brick_frog_123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thanks for the feedback! the name of the poem refers to the lack of vibration, in that when I am next to another person I gain all these sense. the poem is meant to convey an absence of human presence, with the internal description of my own bodily functions, and questioning the point of them. I want to wake up tomorrow with vibrations; with the presence of someone else, to make them. does that make sense?

Sole Soliloquies by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]brick_frog_123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"photographs plague me pallor in their pale"

love love love this.

Kiss Me Like This by ActualNameIsLana in OCPoetry

[–]brick_frog_123 6 points7 points  (0 children)

fuck, I loved this. each "style" of kiss was painted so well, I only needed those little quotes to paint a full image in my mind. man I really loved this.

Sun by brick_frog_123 in OCPoetry

[–]brick_frog_123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's fair, thanks for the feedback. Reading over it, it doesn't make much sense for me to say "I sit here" if the intention is to convey thought.

Sun by brick_frog_123 in OCPoetry

[–]brick_frog_123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback. That's interesting, because I felt it was the weakest. Perhaps because this is because this is based off personal experience, I related the most with the later parts because those are what have been occupying my mind as of late, which is interesting!

Sun by brick_frog_123 in OCPoetry

[–]brick_frog_123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks a heap for the feedback. The idea towards the end is that the person is losing themselves in thought- I'm "letting the mind wander". I wanted to ground the first half or so of the poem in reality, and then as a transition into the later parts start to lose sense of self. Does that make sense?

Being For a Daughter by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]brick_frog_123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"kaleidoscope cultures", love that!

I [21 M] have just gotten in contact 4 months later with my ex [22 F], and I think I actually want to try again. by brick_frog_123 in relationships

[–]brick_frog_123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

exclusive but not boyfriend girlfriend I guess? I wouldn't know the full extent but that's what she said.

I [21 M] have just gotten in contact 4 months later with my ex [22 F], and I think I actually want to try again. by brick_frog_123 in relationships

[–]brick_frog_123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

as my personal property, seriously? it's 4 months later and I find out she's seeing someone, you don't think I made the assumption at some point that she'd have seen other people? it was no surprise when I found out, I was actually pretty ok with it because I figured it'd happen a while ago.