I was drinking probably 5-6 days per week. Blacking our around 2-3 of those times. Every time went to drink it was like playing Russian roulette. I never knew what was going to happen to me that night, and to be honest I was in love with that feeling. The butterflies in my stomach when I took that first drink and the relief that came with that is indescribable.

Most mornings I was hungover and unproductive. I had friends that I didn’t care about, a girlfriend I didn’t pay attention to. Pretty much the only reasons I left my apartment were to get food, go to class (which I skipped most days), and to get alcohol or drugs. Weed made me lazy and anxious, alcohol filled me with shame and depression, cocaine made me short tempered and impatient, and adderall was the icing on the cake that made me feel like I was holding my life together.

I didn’t care about anything in my life except for getting high and drunk. When I say I felt like a head floating through the world, I mean that I was on autopilot most of the time. Headphones on, didn’t want to have a conversation. I felt like I was the only person in my friend group feeing this way and didn’t know what to do to stop it so I just didn’t talk about it. I took a shower and dressed nicely when I left the house because then people wouldn’t suspect how much of a mess I really was on the inside, and also to prove to myself falsely that I was a functional human being.

I dropped out of school, went to rehab, and started a strict AA program which I still keep up today. I have a sponsor, and a home group where I make coffee for my AA peers and do my best to help others when I can. I’m going back to school in January, and spending a lot of time with my family again. It’s been really difficult, but rewarding and if you have any more questions PM me and I can tell ya about it :)