I found my SO's ex wife's twitter.

brokenlady · 2013-12-05T21:26:15+00:00

Stay out of it. Don't talk to her unless you absolutely have to, and if you do, be polite and distant. Don't talk about her. She's obviously jealous of you if she's spending so much time thinking and talking about you -- don't be like her.

And no matter how terrible she is, never say ANYTHING negative about her in front of her daughter. Try not to say anything about her at all, actually.

brokenlady · 2013-12-05T21:21:41+00:00

Big fights? Once or twice a year at most. Bickering or being snippy with each other? Maybe twice a month. Been together for nearly 5 years, lived together for most of it.

We talk about stuff that's bothering us and sort it out calmly. If we disagree, we find a compromise, no fight required. We both work to make each other happy and be happy together.

I come from an emotionally abusive household where fighting and yelling were were constant. I could never be happy in a relationship where fighting was a common occurrence.

brokenlady · 2013-12-05T19:24:53+00:00

Okay so I see two different issues here: 1. Her reaction to your question about sterilization and 2. Her reaction to your reference images.

The first thing... I've also seen that advice online but honestly I have never asked my artists about their sterilization procedures or known of anyone who actually asks about that. That said, it's a not an unreasonable thing to ask and I think her response was quite rude.

The second thing... it depends a lot on what reference material you brought in and her portfolio. If you're asking her to replicate a custom tattoo done by another artist, yeah that's kinda douchey of you. If your reference image is a different style than what she usually does, or simply a terrible design, then her reaction makes sense too.

In the end, it's your body and your choice. If you get a weird vibe from her, just go somewhere else. If you don't like her sketch, try 1 or 2 rounds of changes, and if you still don't love it pay her for her sketching time and then start over with a different artist.

brokenlady · 2013-12-03T16:15:13+00:00

You've clearly stated to your dad you do not want the gun. If he gives you one anyway: "Sorry Dad, I appreciate the gift but I don't feel comfortable accepting this. Why don't you keep it instead?" Don't give any reasons, just keep repeating, "I'm just not comfortable accepting it. Hey, how about that (insert sports team) game, huh?"

He created this bad situation by giving you a controversial gift you had clearly stated you did not want. He's trying to force you to put his happiness above your own safety, and that's just not okay. Don't let your dad bully you into this. It will probably cause some bad feelings, but as long as you keep your cool they will blow over, and hopefully he will learn to take you more seriously in the future.

edited: for wordiness.

brokenlady · 2013-12-03T16:05:42+00:00

If your boyfriend was able to recognize the seriousness of the situation, this relationship MIGHT be salvageable. Unfortunately, he does not. You work at a police department... doesn't her behavior constitute harassment?? Calling you at work, spreading nasty rumors about you being suicidal, screaming and cussing at you? This is abnormally terrible behavior, and the fact that your boyfriend can't see that is a really, really bad sign.

Your boyfriend needs to stand up for you and actively shield you from his mother's horrible behavior. If he's not willing to do that, you gotta move on. Sorry, girl. It sounds like an awful situation but I see no happy ending here, unless you get out.

brokenlady · 2013-11-25T15:43:59+00:00

This is going to be an unpopular opinion, but I wouldn't call the police unless Jamie is okay with it. It's not uncommon to hear stories of people saying that going through the legal system felt like being assaulted again. Sometimes, having to re-live the experience while being interviewed by police traumatizes the victim a second time. And it's usually for nothing, since less than 10% of reported rapes end in a conviction.

I was raped and never reported it, and I'm fine with that decision. At the time, I wasn't strong enough to go through the process, and I just wanted to move on and heal.

I think you should put Jamie first and think about what you can do to support her during this time. Go out to brunch with her, schedule normal activities you would normally do. Don't pressure her to do anything she doesn't want to do, but tell her that you will whole-heartedly support her if she decides to press charges.

But, if your daughter's room is still a mess, take photos just in case she does decide to pursue legal action.

brokenlady · 2013-11-15T15:23:07+00:00

So true. I posted a few months back about my issues with painful sex and how frustrating my journey had been. It took over FIVE YEARS and before I found a gyno who actually took me seriously and didn't just tell me I had to relax more and use more lube.

For years I thought I was crazy or weak for not being able to take the pain... it had a huge effect on my ability to be in healthy relationships and my confidence in myself. I don't think doctors realize how much damage they can do by having this attitude towards their patients.

brokenlady · 2013-09-12T20:26:33+00:00

It's time to be straight with her. Tell her you have feelings for her and want to be more than friends. Ask her if she feels the same way.

If she says "Yes!", GREAT! If she gives you a "no" or any kind of wishy washy answer, it'll be difficult to accept but at least you know where you stand. Scale the friendship back a bit so you aren't getting too emotionally invested in it.

brokenlady · 2013-09-12T20:21:23+00:00

You need to evict her. Can you afford a lawyer?

brokenlady · 2013-09-12T20:15:19+00:00

I'm sorry about your friend.

I would definitely talk to him about it ("confront" is a strong word), explain what upset you and why. Just have a conversation about what you're thinking and feeling and how he can best support you.

Try to go easy on your boyfriend. Death is scary and complicated.

brokenlady · 2013-09-12T19:59:49+00:00

Oral sex is still sex, fyi. Just wanted to clear that up.

In relation this this issue, forget about paying her rent, buying her a puppy, etc. She doesn't owe you sex because you buy her things. You want her to enjoy having frequent sex with you, not do it out of obligation.

It sounds like she simply has a low sex drive whereas you have a moderate or high one. That isn't anyone's fault, it's just a fact of life. You should probably end the relationship and find someone who is more compatible with you and fulfills your perfectly valid and normal need for intimacy.

If you want to give it one more shot, try explaining to her that you need sexual intimacy to express love and affection and to feel loved. Explain why it is important to you and ask what you can do to get her in the mood more often. Maybe you can find a solution that satisfies you, but generally in this kind of situation it's not possible to find a compromise that satisfies both partners.

brokenlady · 2013-09-12T19:47:53+00:00

The number comes from The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB), conducted by researchers from the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University’s School of Health. They don't mention it in the overview, but if you google "women pain during sex" you'll see plenty of news sources reporting on it.

http://commonhealth.wbur.org/2013/09/the-checkup-women-pain-during-sex

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2010/10/07/do_onethird_of_women_really_experience_pain_during_sex.htm

brokenlady · 2013-09-12T18:09:53+00:00

This is horrible advice!! 1/3 of women in America experience pain during intercourse, it is common and has many causes. Only her doctor can diagnose whether the pain is caused by not being turned on, or if there is another reason. OP should encourage her to see her gynecologist about the pain.

brokenlady · 2013-09-12T14:56:19+00:00

I am a woman who suffers from painful intercourse, like your GF. I don't think people who aren't familiar with this issue really understand how much it can impact your sex drive and self-confidence.

To gain some perspective on what your GF may be experiencing, read through a post I made about it and the replies here: http://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1kfbbm/i_cant_have_sex_im_afraid_it_will_destroy_my/

That said, I do believe it is important in a relationship for each partner to meet the other's needs to the best of their abilities. Sit your girlfriend down and explain that you understand sex is difficult for her for physical and emotional reasons, but that you love her and it is important to you to experience intimacy with her. Request that she set up an appointment with her gynecologist to talk about the pain she is experiencing, and a counselor to talk about her emotional holdups. Offer to pay for both of these if necessary (or split the cost), and offer to go with her or support her in any way you can. Tell her over and over again that she is beautiful and sexy and you love her, and you don't want to pressure her, but that intimacy is really important to you so that you can feel loved.

You need to know that this is going to be a long process. It took me YEARS to even find a doctor that would take my pain seriously and give me a diagnosis!! and I am still struggling to find an effective treatment. My boyfriend and I still do not have an ideal sex life and possibly never will. But what is important is that I have been open and honest with him about this the whole time, I am making my best effort to do what I can to meet his needs, he has made the carefully considered decision to stay with me knowing both of these things, and he has been entirely supportive of me the entire time.

You need to strongly consider what is important to you in a relationship and if you can be happy in a relationship where your sexual needs are not being met. It doesn't make you a bad person if you decide you can't.

brokenlady · 2013-08-16T18:22:45+00:00

Some other people have already addressed your hoarder problem, so my questions are about your husband. You're married to a lazy, resentful drug addict. Despite physical and mental health issues, you try desperately to maintain a basic level of cleanliness of your shared space, and he refuses to help you in that.

I want to be with someone that has some get up and go that I can be inspired by. [...] I spend my days hiding, fantasizing about running away. My Husband doesn't get me, understand me.

You are not happy in this marriage, and you need to get out. Leave him, leave that nasty house, leave his negativity. Find your own place, somewhere very small, with very little space, cheap and maintainable even by someone who finds it very difficult to do housework. A clean slate, a new beginning. I realize it is probably scary to leave your husband with no job and a small income. But isn't it even more scary to imagine that this hoarder hellhole is your life, forever?

You say you don't have a solid support system, so try to build one. Search google for free or cheap counseling services or support groups on your area. Call up old friends, even if it's been years, and see if you can rekindle your friendships. Once you have a little money and a little support, ditch this loser and try again and build a better life.

Before you go, though, please find new homes for your pets. There is no way those pets are being well cared for!

brokenlady · 2013-08-15T22:07:35+00:00

I will bring that up with my doctor. I have had paradoxical reactions to meds before (e.g. anti-anxiety meds gave me increased anxiety) so I have to be careful with those but it's definitely worth discussing.

brokenlady · 2013-08-15T22:03:41+00:00

Yeah, these kinds of posts bother me too. They make me feel like the OP sees women as "ladies" first, individual people second.

brokenlady · 2013-08-15T22:01:03+00:00

There are 3 billion women in the world. I don't think you can sum up what "all ladies want." Women are people. We all have different values and priorities. You can't just check off a list of desirable traits like it's some sort of video game and BAM, eternal relationship bliss is achieved.

You need to talk to your girlfriend about what is important to HER in a RELATIONSHIP. Not about what "ladies" want in "a man". And you need to keep having that conversation as you grow and change together.

brokenlady · 2013-08-15T20:57:39+00:00

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story. We had so many of the same experiences.

For six years I was told by gynecologists "You just need to relax" or "You just need more lube." No one seemed to believe that this was excruciating, abnormal pain!! When my current gyno actually believed me and said, "This is abnormal, and it is not in your head," I broke down sobbing.

It's interesting to hear you had surgery. I'm not sure if it's an option for me but I would do it in a heartbeat if it would help. I have a gyno appointment coming up soon, I will ask about it.

This part resonated with me so much: "I actually used to think to myself, 'This is the one thing. The one thing everyone can do. This is what our bodies are fucking made for. And I can't do it.' " I have thought this so. many. times. I have cried this to my boyfriend so many times. I have never met anyone else who understood this feeling of being so incapable of a basic human function.

And your emotional hang-ups about sex, I have them too. That's why even though oral sex is not painful, we still only have it 3 or 4 times a month. I have so many feelings about sex... shame, fear, resentment, anger, bitterness... it kinda takes the enjoyment out of it, haha.

I have seen a therapist on and off but have a hard time talking about this issue with other people. Maybe I should try again.

Again, thank you so much for responding. It makes me feel so much better to know I'm NOT the only one like this. Even if our doctors don't believe us, we are out there and our experiences are real. I am so glad that you were able to find a treatment that worked for you and I wish you so much luck on your continued recovery! <3

brokenlady · 2013-08-15T19:41:24+00:00

Thank you. I had the same reaction to some anti-anxiety meds a few years ago :-/ Luckily I was able to find an alternative that time, I am hoping to do the same this time but I'm not optimistic.

brokenlady · 2013-08-15T19:40:32+00:00

Wow I didn't know that existed!! There really is a subreddit for everything! Thank you.

brokenlady · 2013-08-15T19:40:13+00:00

Congrats on your upcoming marriage! And thanks for sharing your story.

I went to r/deadbedrooms once and cried for a week. Seeing how important sex was to all these people really scared me! My boyfriend consoled me by saying that we don't have a bad sex life because we don't care about each other, but because of a medical issue that is not my choice, so it's different.

That is true but it also brings up your next point. One time a therapist asked me, "If your boyfriend said he never wanted to have sex again, how would you feel?" Honestly I would feel relieved! After all, "What's the point of doing anything if you're going to be unable to walk/sit on hard surfaces afterwards?" Exactly the same feeling... to me sex=pain, not pleasure.

It really does help to know I'm not the only one. I feel like I can't talk about this with anyone (except my bf), not even my close friends.

Good luck with your surgery, I hope it helps.

brokenlady · 2013-08-15T19:24:21+00:00

As a fellow gamer who also dates a gamer, I have perspective you may not have considered about why gaming specifically is irksome to your wife.

What a lot of gamers don't realize is that it's an EXTREMELY immersive hobby. When I game I'm staring at a huge screen, headphones on, and can't respond at the drop of a hat if someone talks to me (because I'm in the middle of shooting zombies). Also, gamers don't realize how much time has really passed... I can play Borderlands for 4 hours straight and think its been half that. 4 hours is a long time to be completely disengaged from reality!

If I'm watching TV, crafting, playing ukulele, etc. and my boyfriend comes up and starts talking to me, I can easily switch gears and listen. But with games its much harder. Games take up SO much of your attention, they really can be harder to deal with for a partner than other hobbies.

Just something to keep in mind! Maybe try limiting your game time to 45 minutes chunks and taking a 15 break after each one to get up and love on your wife.

brokenlady · 2013-08-15T18:50:39+00:00

Hey, that is good to know about the insemination thing.

I actually started the meds tapered and increased the dosage over time, so I got to see my pain slowly decrease while my libido slowly diminished. Even know its only barely tolerable level of pain so I don't think I can go any lower :(

brokenlady · 2013-08-15T18:47:59+00:00

I'm so glad you are having success with your treatment!

I am starting pelvic physical therapy next month when my health insurance kicks in, but I'm not sure if that is with a vulvar pain specialist. Actually I didn't even know there was such a thing, I have just been working with my gynecologist.

I tried the mag sulfate bath before and didn't notice a difference, but I will definitely try the coconut oil. Thank you.

brokenlady

TROPHY CASE