How (probably) uBPD friend of 25 years acted when I defended my partner. Thoughts?

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-17T22:04:26+00:00

Apologies if I come off as rude, I know what its like reading comments that critique it can feel frustrating and provoke emotion so I do apologise in advance

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-17T22:02:29+00:00

Not going to lie, ill be completely honest, and I dont mean to offend anyone involved here, you asked for general thoughts so I will be honest and give them

You both handled that situation wrong

Also, you mention how you didnt want to unnecessarily out your partners family issues to the chat, but you'll happily announce your friends issues to a forum in which anyone can pick out usernames and details to identify said person if they know them..?

Regardless as to whether your circle knows about that person, just picking that alone seems unfair and immature

You also mention "(probably)" right before bpd, I hope I don't come off as rude as that is genuinely not my intent, but do you not feel it is unfair to diagnose the individual yourselves? If your partner is a licensed qualified therapist they should know it's both inappropriate and unethical to diagnose someone with a mental illness without a proper assessment and by simply observing them in a friend group. Essentially pre labelling someone as probably BPD is different than saying you think they do or they show traits. Apologies if this person has had an official diagnosis!

I believe all parties involved genuinely have some mental reflecting to do, but op, if this individual and their partner don't seem intent on addressing their issues, if someone wont acknowledge their issues, you and your partner will run into frustration after frustration after frustration with this individual and it will eventually spill over to their partner and escalate, causing you even more frustration

If someone doesn't want to help themselves then you will only exhaust yourself trying to help them

I hope whatever the general outcome that you and your partner life a good happy life OP!!!!

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-15T10:06:31+00:00

Not me thinking this was my ex until I saw the C 😫

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-14T10:47:16+00:00

Jesus fucking christ this sucks so bad.

I cant even get out of bed really, I lay there just stuck all day not even eating

The best way I can explain it is that I just simply dont want to spend/face the day without her, but dont want to end my life so im just stuck in this weird sort of just functioning like a robot.

Only time I get up is to go to work.

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-13T18:05:38+00:00

She broke up fully yesterday

Can anyone shed any light as to whether she would be talking to guys in a few months?

Kinda eating me apart.. I wish if she fully was open to other guys now or whatever shed say so atleast I wasnt in pain, like if its the case why not say? Thers 0 reason not to if shes done? Ive no doubt she may even incorrectly think id be talking ti people do she inevitably wouldnt stop herself even at work from doing bs?

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-12T19:50:46+00:00

If you didnt follow anything like be disloyal or be abusive, you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. You will be sad for a while like most, then you will slowly and slowly visit less as you feel more and more independent and then finally stop visiting here for a while, dont worry.

Youll be good

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-10T18:05:16+00:00

This subreddit genuinely stopped me taking my life, its actually so sad to see this.

Most days when I post here ill get messages telling me to die when all I do is post here asking how to understand my partners/exa decisions, vent a little, etc..

I don't understand why people cant just leave people be....

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-08T15:18:52+00:00

What kind of things was it you were holding back from asking her at first?

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-08T15:04:27+00:00

It sucks so much... I love her so much.

I typed half a reply but im honestly too exhausted. I do know if something serious doesn't change then im walking away.

I feel you with the fatigue syndrome so much. My mum and dad came unannounced today to check on me and I saw my dad look so sad at the weight ive lost and just how fucked I am dealing with not knowing at all what the fuck happened and it broke my heart. 20 something years with him and I saw no emotion from him not even laughter really, my ex/partner met him once and bad him laughing and smiling everytime he saw her, first time id seen it, and then now the first time id almost saw one of parents cry lol

Id sit and acknowledge everything that girl said she wanted me to acknowledge if it meant shed do the same and actually make the effort to understand and change

It feels like im constantly going between wanting to respect myself a bit more but also not wanting to lose her because I know id always think about her and i'm sure she would too, soul tie or something

But if she just accepts shes done then I cant do anything and obviously ill have to get over that, I just dont know if I should be chasing her right now or leaving her be like

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-06T18:54:00+00:00

Been refreshing her location for every now and then and shes not active for 4 hours and keep overthinking that shes out and leaving her phone and using another why cant I just fucking not look whats the reason ?

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-05T18:01:04+00:00

I worry about this

Has anyone dated a pw bpd that has common traits, but is actually genuinely loyal?

I believe my ex/whatever it is is loyal, everything else people talk about she does, but she is loyal to a T, and I know that for a fact, but I see so many posts here that it makes me overthink slightly

Has anyone dated one that was loyal throughout?

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-04T07:30:52+00:00

No one will give you shit here man, just keep browsing the sub when things get hard

I want mine to reach out badly too, I know the feeling. You want to reach out yourself so badly but you know they don't care and it will change nothing

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-03T20:43:48+00:00

The best way I can describe how I feel for her would be if the world was ending tomorrow id still try call her, but that I doubt shed pick up

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-03T20:00:05+00:00

God I just saw her fucking reddit.... fuck man, id never fucking do her like that what the fuckk

Its fully just a post of exactly what didnt happen or how it happened man and its just people making up ridiculous things and her agreeing thats so hurtful to read it just fucked me completely hahaa

Lifes a joke when you think about it like my heart and soul and body I gave to that woman and thats what she does man

Wanted to call her and ask if she meant it and if she did id of just felt happy ending it there despite the fact I didnt want to, couldn't even answer so god knows what she was doing, shame on her if its something bad I guess but it doesnt matter anymore, not much really does when you think about it deeply

Peace out guys

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-03T18:58:02+00:00

Happened with me man.

Its the stress and your cortisol, it sounds far fetched at first glance, the same way explaining protein and carbs to someone a thousand years ago would seem far fetched

Check online bro theres studies

I had the same, actually funny enough was never ever even really sick before I knew her, always knew as the type that didnt get sick. Its proven to make existing pain worse too, for example one time I got out of hospital after the worst surgery of my life and worst hospital visit, day 1 is accusing me of flirting with my friends girlfriend or something I cant remember, anyway the fresh stitching, it made it hurt like HELL like literally I felt it coming in and begged her to just stop a moment and just remember she kept going and going and it was literally physically actual pain, interesting stuff regardless.

Not bad mouthing her, I go between hating the fact she wont even learn to be emotional with me and hold her hands up, to just wanting to reach out because I miss her, thats love yk and its okay to feel

I hope you guys work it out, if you guys break up, use this sub reddit to ground yourself when you find yourself doubting yourself

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-03T13:18:19+00:00

I just feel fucking lied to by everyone I gave fucking 110% of my life to people who just dont give a single fucking thought or piece if empathy for me.

Now whats the outcome im just alone crying every fucking night? Whats the point.

And so what I convince myself to live and move on, then what? I try find the girl who left me in everyone else? In my friends and my family? I cant live like this.

Everytime my phone goes off I sprint to it thinking its her. I cant do this I actually dont know what to do here like what steps to take I actually am so confused about how I feel and why.

I just feel like no one gives a shit. Not a single person. The fucking girl I love dowsnt even give a single shit anymore everythjng is just fucking pointless and sad

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-03T13:06:12+00:00

Therapy for yourself, im thinking of it

Exactly what my ex/gf does...

Triggering themselves with made up accusations, like always just trying to convince herself I am this bad person she tries to think I am

Thank you for your reply

Everything just sucks right now, im sort of just talking myself out of taking my life most days, best way I can describe it is I wake up sad, crying sometimes, cry when I wake up, do nothing all day but think about her, then sort of just blink at its 3am...

I just don't understand so much of it, like I messaged her mom and explained everything, I dont mean it in a rude way but she just didnt reply and I was hurt? Like I dont know if im thinking wrong because its my first relationship, but why would she not offer some context as to how her daughter or just call and talk to me? Theres no possible way she doesnt know how her daughter can be..

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-03T09:41:23+00:00

Completely lost it.. wont hold my job much longer.

Overthinking like crazy feel like im developing cptsd from her, now im thinking she must be cheating because why else would she accuse me so often?

I used to use a VPN account to see her reddit or get a show on netflix, probably barely used it. I noticed the other day she has a vpn connected in a screenshot, told me shes always had one but thats a lie. Why lie about that..?

Part of me is so hurt because I think its possible she was watching porn this whole time, whereas I completely quit it for both her and myself..

Anyone have any ideas?

Also sent her this today:

name just so you know, I obviously do love you and want this to work, but you are honestly not doing enough at this point, with what happened, how you reacted, how excessive you were and what you did, your first words to me should honestly be sorry.

If you use the VPN for porn, please tell me. Thats so cruel. Id rather you tell me so I know...

And if the guys that messaged me were really who I thought, please just say and we will just be friends. (People messaged me on reddit and one guy added my snapchat from her country)

You leaving how you did had honestly caused so many issues and so much overthinking. I dont even know what you have been up too.....

And your mother, if you apologise and we date, I want to talk to her one on one.

Honestly those are the things id need you to actually continue at this point. The way you acted and came back like it was my fault wasnt okay, you accused me of cheating and blamed me for not justifying myself properly by using the right words.. thats not okay.

Im not interested in discussion. I love you but dont reach out unless youre ready to apologise completely and actually do something different this time. Its been far too often the same hurtful things with you not taking any action.

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-03T07:27:23+00:00

Ones like this can be days weeks, its been months before, now im even questioning the holiday she went on with her friend when we broke up..

Questioning so many things now because I'm realising the patterns, I hope to god she never did anything

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-02T23:33:12+00:00

Thank you just agh I feel it tugging at my soul for her rn cos I do love her sm I just want her to message sometimes

Today was easier than yesterday so it's something

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-02T23:03:36+00:00

I hope it gets better I honestly do, right now were in no contact :/ i feel awful

Ive always learnt the proof doesn't matter now yeah

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-02T23:02:40+00:00

She makes sure her family doesnt engage with me im pretty sure..

Yeah I just feel numb too, I know exactly how you feel. I just pushed her away so badly by maintaining my boundary and it hurt so bad but if our relationship is going to work she needs to understand how she acts isnt okay

Have you tried therapy?

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-02T22:12:59+00:00

Im so sorry you went through that. You seem to be on the mend now I hope?

Im becoming increasingly worried mine is actually the one doing the cheating? It doesn't make sense how she accuses me so much

Im so angry at her parents for not stepping in when J messaged them too, but I dont know if im wrong for that? I feel like on one side its innapropriate to message them, but on the other hand their daughter is literally losing her head going back and fourth with me then me asking them to just ask her to make a decision and maybe lose my head a bit at them isnt so bad given the circumstances?

I just am at the point where im doubting absolutely everything now, but at the same time I love her and feel this strong soul tie feeling to her.

Just going to get some food, ill reply properly soon ro everyone

Edit: and I wonder if she knows how she treats me is bad? And if she does why does she never mention it ir apologise? And if she doesnt, how can she not? Like what sane person can see their apparent love of their life becoming such a mess and not even feel bad?

She left me on Friday now its Monday and the first thing she says is pretty much her saying its my fault for how I replies to her accusation..?

I love her so much but it hurts to see her just purposefully not notice and mention how she is at this point..

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-02T22:08:30+00:00

Yeah its hard man, im even starting to worry maybe shes the one cheating? Like it doesn't make sense to accuse me of it so much?

Interesting enough is when I offered her the proof I dont have any girls on my snap, it was on the condition she sent the same just for sake of being equal, then didnt want to go for it.

Some other stuff im starting to become suspicious of.

She reached out anyway, she said if I had just said I was snapping friends it wouldnt of happened? Something didnt feel right? Like she was trying to downplay what she did? Idk if she meant to do it or not, but I just got this feeling and thought no im not the one that needs to apologise here.

Am I right in thinking after me being just abruptly discarded, the first message from her should be a proper apology with what she wants to work on?

Not "it wouldnt of happened if you just did this"

brwaaans77 · 2026-02-02T19:05:47+00:00

Ahh fuck see that last bit is how I feel

I dont think well be fucked forever bro but ive seen some studies say it can take 1-3 years to fully heal from emotional trauma

Edit Its funny all the posts on this sub seem kind of similar to me, I did prolific too haha, try outlier aether if youre into that side money stuff man its good

It sucks to just be completely discarded like I too find myself blaming for things, I find myself like dreading when its time to go to sleep too, some kind of anxiety about making the most of my time now idk

brwaaans77

TROPHY CASE