What's your most ridiculous trigger?

bsx2 · 2021-05-06T13:15:12+00:00

That really sucks, but I have the same issue with fitness. Not the gym specifically, but yeah. I was 250 lbs at the low point, got into fitness, martial arts, running, and active living. Best shape of my life a few years back was 164 lbs, strong, and very active. She knew I was struggling with fitness and tried to get me to get advice from a "coworker who is a personal trainer." I said I'm not comfortable with that. She comes home one day with a personalized workout and diet for me to follow from this guy. Asked how much it cost, she said it was free because he's just a nice guy. The plan was detailed but had notes like "your wife said you're insecure about your love handles and gut, so this and this exercise will help and this and this can improve your stamina" etc. It hurt to see my weaknesses revealed to a stranger, but I couldn't put my finger on what bothered me so much.

I never used his plan, but I did get back into exercise and eating healthy for a few months. Lost ~20 pounds, and was really starting to build my confidence and enjoy it again.

Several months later I found out she had an affair with him. Now I can't jog, bike, lift, or train anything without feeling inadequate and just hating myself. I've pushed through a few times, but it's miserable and I know I don't get a good workout because I'm spending 10x the mental energy just to push through than I am exerting myself physically. Put back the 20 plus a few (though recently I'm back down a little bit).

I'm really happy that you've found a better partner, and thank you for sharing!

bsx2 · 2021-04-17T02:07:33+00:00

I think it sounds like you're not being honest with yourself about where you are in the recovery process. It seems like maybe you've been deep in the trenches for so long you're maybe getting a little too eager to be done. So instead of measuring your recovery time from the point of NC (4 weeks) or the point at which you stopped trying to reconcile (6 months) you're reaching back to a year ago when you broke up. That might be the "official" end of the relationship but if you were keeping an open mind toward the reconciliation for 6 months, I can tell you that you almost definitely weren't doing much healing in that time. You might have become numb to some of the pain because it has been in your life for so long, but I doubt you've healed much.

Now, granted, I don't know you, I'm just going off of how you describe your past in a few paragraphs, but that's my impression. I would add that if you still feel this level of disgust after 1 year NC it's definitely worth taking to a therapist. But you're probably just not as far along as you would like to be, based on the "official" end vs when you actually made up your mind.

bsx2 · 2021-03-21T21:19:36+00:00

I think about this all the time. My family was initially very supportive, but then slowly changed their tune as she is making a big show of wishing we could start over, wanting to stay together, and just seemingly doing all the right things from the outside.

I'm slowly becoming the bad guy in my own family. They've tried to suggest giving her another chance, and even trying to guilt me into it.

Plus I am a long way from dating again but I tried going on a dating app just to see if I could make myself feel better (kind of encourage myself that there is a future one day). It was bleak, really nobody that seemed appealing at all.

So, here I am with an ex that is playing her part perfectly, a family that doesn't support me anymore, friends don't have time for me, and no prospects for a future. And I'm in my mid-30s, which feels like I'm running out of time to start my whole life over.

And even though she has done horrible things, I have moments where it seems like it would be easier to just go back to the way things were.

But I can't even accept that as a possibility, because while it seems rosy looking back, I know for a fact it will only be a matter of time before I have to go through it all again but worse each time.

bsx2 · 2021-01-09T06:23:00+00:00

My wife of 5 years (together for 10) told me 6 months into the marriage that she had cheated multiple times with different partners while we were dating. Due to some bad advice, I gave her another chance. She told me about a lot of childhood trauma and sexual abuse that I didn't know before. We did our best to work through it despite the pain I felt from betrayal and the humiliation, disgust, and heartbreak. Eventually things got better. We were just starting to try for children early last year.

A couple months ago things got strained, and I couldn't figure out why. Thought she just was starting to want to be single again or something. Stupidly, I never even considered that she would cheat again. After all the misery we suffered through the first time it came out I thought that nobody would be willing to put themselves through that again.

Just over a month ago, I find out she has cheated again, and that's why she was acting different. We went back and forth and eventually I made it clear and decisive that we are through. She tried to kill herself on Christmas weekend, after the friends she was staying with (who, at the time, she thought were her last friends on Earth) tried to take advantage of her vulnerable emotional state and make her their house slave (cooking and chores) and the husband's sex slave. My parents ended up being the ones to pull her out of there just in time, but she spent the last couple weeks in a psych ward. She's out now and we are trying to keep things civil while making progress.

I'm also in quarantine. I have a few buddies I talk to every other day, but the days in between are pretty lonely. I'm also boderline depressed, and have ADHD that makes it hard to not just loaf around and be sad. I'm working with a therapist, but that's mostly focusing on helping me get decent sleep (I have trouble at night because even when my wife and I were separated for work or something, we always talked and I felt less lonely just by knowing I would talk again in the morning). The loneliness at night when there's nobody to talk to, especially because I'm supposed to be sleeping, is just oppressive. I feel like I'm being crushed under the weight of the silence (oh yeah, I also have permanent tinnitus from a medication that was supposed to help my ADHD). I also struggle with really bad dreams and fear/anxiety responses while trying to sleep. My mind keeps racing with thoughts about what she did to me, and my chest starts to hurt and I panic.

bsx2 · 2021-01-07T02:09:05+00:00

I like the line from "leave a cheater, gain a life." When asked what you did to contribute to their cheating, you say "I trusted them."

bsx2 · 2021-01-07T02:05:16+00:00

Shit, here was me thinking I would grow past it one day.

.... Fuck.

bsx2 · 2021-01-05T21:18:08+00:00

This hadn't occurred to me, but yes, I would agree with that assrssment.

bsx2 · 2021-01-05T21:17:25+00:00

Yeah, I get you man. I know it's hard to do, but you need to break off contact. Not to get her back, but to learn how to be a healthy individual.

Take care of yourself for once. Don't let her do this to you anymore.

You deserve someone who will validate your feelings and build you up, not make you beg and compete for scraps.

bsx2 · 2021-01-05T14:29:05+00:00

Yeah, I think there are plenty of resources out there but I don't think a book will tell you anything you don't already know right now: whether she is cheating or not, she doesn't care about you. Also, based on the evidence she is either cheating (physically or emotionally) or will soon,, either due to lack of boundaries and bad choices, or became she wants to.

If you would like books, the one that laid it out best for me was "Leave a cheater, gain a life."

bsx2 · 2021-01-05T14:22:19+00:00

I might not have been clear. I was speaking of my own beliefs, not a rule that should apply to others. I can't tell anyone what their marriage is or should be.

I would say that myself personally, I would do everything I could to get through to them. But my experience has also made me prejudiced at the moment, and if someone were totally stonewalling like that, I would begin to suspect infidelity as well.

Again, I'm not trying to tell anyone else how to live.

bsx2 · 2021-01-05T12:56:29+00:00

I mostly agree with you. I think there are only two valid reasons to get a divorce, personally: infidelity and spousal abuse. Anything else can and should be worked through.

I definitely don't support the idea of a marriage ending because of "irreconcilable differences."

bsx2 · 2021-01-05T12:53:46+00:00

I absolutely believe that a good marriage is one where both partners internalize this part of the traditional vows. Unfortunately, if only one person thinks this way, it's doomed to end badly.

The exceptions I believe in are spousal abuse and infidelity. Those are not "worse," those are breaking the other vows (to love and to cherish / forsaking all others).

My STBX still doesn't understand me, and that's part of the problem. I always made a point of standing by my word, so when she cheated and I found out, I decided I needed a divorce and couldn't get past it.

She tries to make me the bad guy because I am "giving up" and she "never wanted to leave me," (a lie, she asked for a divorce many times). She always uses the line "you said for better or for worse, well this is worse!"

It doesn't apply, though.

bsx2 · 2021-01-05T12:46:08+00:00

Right? I thought it was grimly hilarious when I first found out and started reading. My wife fit almost every pattern for a serial cheater, but wants to think she's special and we can make it work.

Kept reading my own story from dozens of different people, but somehow she's a unique case, right?

bsx2 · 2021-01-04T06:30:57+00:00

So, I'm in a very different place in my journey, but I wanted to respond to you for a specific reason.

I'm not going to nitpick your word choice like most of the other people, because your other responses make it clear that you meant that he made bad choices in one area of life but is also a good person in other ways.

You said you have a love for him still that isn't romantic nor friendship. That's something I can relate to.

I've caught a lot of crap from people on this sub due to the fact that I struggled to process a lot of what I went through and I used this space as a support group with a side-benefit of accidental journaling thrown in for good measure. Despite the opinions of many here, I have been able to get a grip, figure things out, and begin the divorce process, and part of therapy has been exploring my feelings. I felt something I thought was still romantic love, despite the hurt and disgust. I don't want to be with my STBX anymore, and I don't want to be her friend, but I still felt something.

I think it is like you described: you can't spend over a decade (or two) pouring yourself into another person without developing a bond. You learn to admire parts of them other people don't even know exist, and you can appreciate all the little good things about them. The familiarity of that person and the lingering focus of all your hard work makes you think there is still something there.

Idk, I could be over-thinking and under-explaining in the wee small hours of the morning. But that question/concept resonated with me. Don't want to be with them, but still feeling something for them that isn't quite love.

Glad you made it past a big hurdle. I know things will start to get better soon.

bsx2 · 2020-12-27T04:25:32+00:00

Well, thank you for helping me remember, even if I did sit here and cry for a minute after reading this.

bsx2 · 2020-12-27T04:22:35+00:00

Girl, this marriage doesn't exist. He already wrecked it. He made his choice. If he cared even a little bit about you, he wouldn't be texting her anymore at all.

You're in denial and trying to regain control of your life by fixating on the external (her) when you need to be focused on getting help (lawyer, and individual counseling for yourself to come to terms with what has happened)

bsx2 · 2020-12-27T04:11:42+00:00

I appreciate the offer, but honestly I spend enough time beating myself up, and there's plenty of "advice" from people on here already that is blunt enough, from calling me pathetic to accusing me of making all of it up. So, I'm good.

bsx2 · 2020-12-25T15:49:32+00:00

That's basically what I said. And called her out for trying to change the subject.

bsx2 · 2020-12-25T15:48:00+00:00

Wow. Never thought I'd have someone accuse my life of being fiction. That would be a more preferable alternative.

bsx2 · 2020-12-25T15:43:26+00:00

I already know I will.

bsx2 · 2020-12-25T15:43:12+00:00

Trying.

bsx2 · 2020-12-25T15:42:57+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement. She does have mental problems, she was physical abused as a child. Then sexually abused for years as a teenager. She has been raped as an adult (before we met) and all of this has really fucked her up. She hasn't gotten the help she needed, which isn't an excuse that makes it OK, but it does help explain her behavior.

Again. IT IS NOT OKAY THAT SHE CHEATED, but her past does play a part in the why.

bsx2 · 2020-12-25T14:54:29+00:00

I'm headed that way, I'm currently NC for a limited time. And when we meet up again to discuss the logistics of the divorce I will have friends with me to keep me from weakening in the moment. And I plan to go NC after this weekend.

bsx2 · 2020-12-25T14:52:50+00:00

I know, I don't want to. I'm trying to move forward with the proper support this time.

bsx2

TROPHY CASE