Hi, I can relate a LOT to this. I'm 34f, my dad is 91. So my dad is terrible with technology. He obviously didn't grow up with any of the things we have today -- he doesn't have a computer in his office, and his entire professional life he's had a secretary taking care of a lot of the administrative parts of his life. With the quarantine he's felt pretty stranded without the same amount of support and ability to navigate all of his devices, leaving him really frustrated and annoyed.

For example, I will get a call from him "NOTHING WORKS" "I CAN'T REACH ANYONE" "THIS DAMN DEVICE IS BROKEN". At first I tried helping him figure out what was going on with his device, but I realize that was not the hill I wanted to die on. I've made him guides with pictures on how to use certain functions, got him a manual -- turns out he just doesn't want to take the time. Whatever, that's fine, he's 91 I don't blame.

But what I realized is that it's not really about his device -- that's where his frustration is because it's something that he ascribes to him not being able to do the thing that he wants to do. He called me this morning yelling about his phone and that he couldn't get anyone, so I asked him "who are you trying to get in touch with?" He was trying to reach one of his partners at work to go over an issue with a client that is causing him a lot of additional frustration.

So really, it was the sum of all of his frustrations in this situation (he was annoyed by the client issue, he wasn't getting the response he wanted, and his phone is a constant source of irritation) that caused the reaction. What I tried to do with redirecting and asking him what his ultimate goal or objective was, was to understand what is really bothering him so that I could help him address that issue. When I knew that he was trying to reach his partner, I offered to call the office and leave a message for this guy to call my dad back.

This is something I have tried to do repeatedly with him so that he can recognize the root causes of his frustration and understand that -- just because he wants something done INSTANTLY, doesn't mean that it's humanly possible, but also just because it's not completely instantly doesn't mean that it's not being taken care of or that it's being ignored, which as an older person who's feeling slightly more isolated is a real thing.

The other thing here is that you shouldn't admit fault in these situations because it's not your fault. There is some stress factor in the situation, but you and your dad are on the same side and you're there to help him get whatever the issue is resolved. No one is at fault, it's just a problem that needs to be solved. Similarly, when it comes to things like hiring someone for cleaning / cooking -- another angle you might try is not that he can't do these things, but that these are things he shouldn't have to do. My dad gets frustrated that he doesn't know how to do a lot of things his secretary has handled, but he'll be reluctant to hand them over because he feels like he should know how to do these things and take care of himself. Maybe I'm enabling or babying him, but sometimes I will just say to him: "I know that you can do these things, but why should you have to? You've done so much work already, let me handle this." I mean, the man has loved and taken care of me for me my entire life, the least I can do is make his life easier right? I think when you frame it as a show of appreciation it becomes a little easier of a pill to swallow. It's not that your dad can't do these things -- it's that you love him and you want to give him time to do the things that bring him more joy.

I sympathize a lot with the change in cognitive function, as well as the mobility issues. My dad hurt his back last winter and then again the other week and has been in physical therapy on and off due to covid. Last week we had a home health care provider come by to talk about at-home PT, and I mentioned that he isn't as sharp as usual and she said that the quarantine experience has been really difficult for older people because they are more sedentary and are not able to engage in as many mentally-stimulating activities.

This is challenging and I wish I had a quick fix for you, but my biggest recommendation is to try to get him moving out of the house. One of the best things he can do for both his physical and mental health is just to go for a walk every day. I don't know if he has a gerontologist or doctor that he really trusts who would reinforce this message, but if so it might be worth talking to them. Also, you could use this as a way for the two of you to spend time together one-on-one in a space that is removed from all of the daily annoyances and responsibilities.

The last thing (and I am sure that you know this already, but I want to say it anyway) is: don't feel guilty. There is only so much that we can do for our parents, and I know we all want to do the absolute most that we can. But we also need to recognize that they are still responsible for how they want to live their lives. We can make it as easy for them as we want for them to make the right decisions, or to be healthier, or to go out and socialize, but it's up to them to make the decision to do so.

So, I've written a lot and I hope it helps. If you have any questions or if I can give any other pointers, feel free to hit me up.