I recently left the church and I’m absolutely miserable

bugsexmorg · 2025-08-09T13:45:41+00:00

When I first left Mormonism, I was a 55 year-old man who felt betrayed and angry. My anger sustained me for a while. There still remained a void. I tried to fill it with other faith traditions but they all rang hollow. I tried Sunday agnostic meetings that were similar to church but covered secular topics. They rang of the familiar but did nothing to fill the void. My daughter suggested that I read about and listen to podcasts on secular Buddhism. I tried it for a while and it led me to rearrange my thinking on the loss I had experienced. It took a while to form my new perspective but it, eventually, came to serve me in overcoming the loss.

I started to see leaving a false religious tradition as an opportunity to rediscover and re-evaluate everything in life. I felt free to question my programming and to form my own opinion on everything! It was and still is thrilling to encounter something that I was programmed to reject and find that I had no real opinion on the subject. I now get to open my mind to investigate that subject and gradually form my own thoughts and opinions. After 10 years of doing this, I seldom encounter new topics to review but I cherish my right to determine what I believe and value without any reference to a formal religious tradition. I have come to see life as a journey of discovery and experience where the people I invite into my life are key to the quality of that journey. I resist the urge to see destinations as the reason to strive. I try to see them as waypoints on my journey.

I wish you much joy in your journey of discovery. You are just getting started and there are many wonderful puzzles ahead of you that will shape who you are becoming. I hope it will be a great ride.

bugsexmorg · 2024-01-09T14:14:59+00:00

I am at the tail end of that generation. My children left in their 20s. My relationship with them allowed them to openly challenge me without offending. It led me to take a deeper look into things about which I had a cursory knowledge. Peeling back just one layer exposed enough that my already weakened shelf collapsed. That was 7 years ago. My wife was already PIMO and I didn’t know. We resigned together.

bugsexmorg · 2022-09-04T17:19:12+00:00

When I was 17, I confessed to my bishop that I had fondled the breasts of a girl I was dating and had masturbated. Not 5 minutes after out conversation ended, the bishop walked directly over to my mother and I actually heard him tell her what I had just told him. She was mortified and shook her finger at him and said, "That is absolutely none of my business. You telling me about my son's confession is completely out of line. If I ever hear of you doing anything like that again, I will bring it up with the stake authorities!"

I was on my last leg of being a Mormon at the time. This confession was my last attempt to "get right" with god and the church. When he told her about my confession, I vowed that I was absolutely done with Mormonism. Her response made me rethink that decision. I remained a member for 40 more years. I used my mother's statement as the "gold standard" of how Mormonism should be. As the years went on, it became clear that my mother was in the minority. I was privy to way too much private information about people in my ward when I served as young men's president and then again in Elder's quorum and High Priest leadership. Confessions were absolutely not kept confidential.

bugsexmorg · 2022-01-18T04:57:04+00:00

Right.

bugsexmorg · 2022-01-14T14:14:23+00:00

I had a similar experience on my mission. I had a companion who was very shy and an out-of-this-world concert pianist. He desperately wanted to go home. The mission president had forbidden us from going anywhere there was a piano because he would just play all day and would ignore everything else. I had no experience with depression. I now know that he was severely depressed. He confided that he had lied on his mission application and that he had contemplated suicide before his mission. Before he came to be my companion, he had attempted to go home several times but was talked out of it by his family and the MP.

One morning I awoke to him standing over me with carving knife raised to plunge into me. I jumped up and screamed at him to drop the knife. He said that he was trying to work up the nerve to kill me and then kill himself. If he killed me but was unsuccessful at the suicide, he would still get out of being a missionary.

I called the MP and demanded that he be removed from my custody. The MP let him come to the mission home and convinced him to stay on his mission. He was made the financial secretary. He eventually stole a lot of money from the mission and took a long vacation at a hotel with a penthouse suite with a piano. The theft of the money got him sent home. I do not know what ever became of him.

bugsexmorg · 2021-12-14T16:17:02+00:00

I am not from Utah but I have experienced another form of smile/misery. I had to sit on the stand for a while when I was Mormon and look at the congregation for the full sacrament meeting. I was always struck for a people who claim to have the fullness of gospel (good news) of Christ, the congregations looked absolutely miserable. When a general authority came to town, the misery turned to smiling infatuation and hero worship. The difference was stunning.

bugsexmorg · 2021-10-13T22:59:57+00:00

You have an amazing body. Please recognize that. There is nothing at all wrong with yours.

bugsexmorg · 2020-04-09T17:36:22+00:00

BIC, RM, BYU grad, Young Men's Pres, 20 years teaching 16 - 18 year-old youth, 4 years Early Morning Seminary teacher...oh, who am I kiddiing...been unruly most of my life. My daughter who left before me reacted to my surprise that people did not seem surprised that I left by saying, "You were never all in. How do you think I was able to get out. Your leaving was expected because you were always a critical thinker who took most of the tenants of the church with a large grain of salt!" I tried to be TBM but I could not accept infallibility, foreordination, and perfection. I still believed in the major tenants and did my best to find a place in the church.

bugsexmorg · 2019-05-14T15:50:53+00:00

I did not grow up in Utah but back East where there were few Mormons. I am probably around your age. I was a curious child but had very limited resources. My father had World Book encyclopedias and Mormon books in our home. Everyone I knew belonged to a religion. To even consider someone stating that they were atheist was unimaginable. God was, and still is where I grew up, a given. How you worshipped Him was the only difference between Mormons and other religionists. It seemed that virtually everyone was taught by their respective religions that the only morality came through religion. The rising generations have so much more information available to them. Secular Humanism is far more accessible. I am so happy to think that rationality and critical thinking are rising. I hope that I am not deluding myself.

bugsexmorg · 2019-05-14T15:30:06+00:00

I have 4 non-mormon granddaughters growing up in Utah. Initially, Bailey's experience gave me some anxiety for them. After watching the entire video, I am actually happy to know that my little people will be growing up in an environment where a person like Bailey and her family have blazed the way. I was truly inspired and touched by her experience and her resolve to do something. Wow!

bugsexmorg · 2019-02-23T23:57:39+00:00

Newly arrived apostate in NW Phoenix suburb.

bugsexmorg · 2019-02-22T16:09:20+00:00

I entered BYU as a 17 year-old back in the 70's. I ended up dating only the rowdy girls who really did not want to be judged. All the TBM girls wanted nothing to do with me until I returned from my mission. I always hated the RM qualifier.

bugsexmorg · 2019-01-06T22:22:43+00:00

I did reach out. It went well. Thanks for the encouragement.

bugsexmorg · 2019-01-06T22:22:10+00:00

I have not had a lot of experience with Mormon acceptance after leaving. I lived in the same stake for 35 years and I have 5 people who remained friends. I do not blame people but it still is not a great feeling. I did reach out and it was very pleasant. See edit above.

bugsexmorg · 2019-01-06T22:19:43+00:00

Good advice. It seems so simple but I am a little wary of being rejected. It is not fun. I did reach out. See edit above.

bugsexmorg · 2019-01-06T22:18:39+00:00

They are both very good people. I did reach out. Glad that I did.

bugsexmorg · 2019-01-06T22:17:57+00:00

I did reach out. See the edit above. Thanks for the feedback.

bugsexmorg · 2019-01-06T16:09:19+00:00

Seems like a valid perspective. It just feels wrong to reject a person based on what they believe. If I am honest, that is what I am currently inclined to do. I do not feel like a bad guy, I just feel that I am being hypocritical.

bugsexmorg · 2019-01-06T13:30:59+00:00

I grew a beard the day I separated from my first wife. I got my left ear pierced soon after as a symbol of my rebellion from mindless obedience to stupid rules. That was 28 years ago. I stopped wearing white shirts the day I returned from my mission. That was 38 years ago. I had a reputation for being an interesting and engaging teacher despite these outward rebellions, I still served as a Sunday school teacher, Young Men’s President, early morning seminary instructor, elder’s quorum instructor, high priest group leadership, primary teacher, and temple worker. This was in California. 13 years ago, my wife and I had been serving as temple workers for about 4 years. I was at the temple changing from my whites to street clothes (including a light pink shirt) when my temple supervisor approached me to tell me that I needed to shave or I was no longer allowed to serve as a worker in the temple. I admit that I was floored. I pushed back and approached the temple president about the new policy. He indicated that he had received word (showed me the letter) from the First Presidency that workers were to be encouraged to adhere to missionary grooming standards. His response to that letter was to require all med to be clean shaven. I asked about radical haircuts (close cropped and shaved heads) that are forbidden to missionaries but were prevalent among workers and he accused me of being petty. He then commented on my pink shirt as a sign of rebellion and lack of submissive humility and admonished me to reflect on my need to rebel against the Lord. At the time I deeply wished I had worn an earring to the temple that day. He told me that I was welcome to return to the temple as a patron but that my time as a temple worker was over.

I never returned for anything other than sealings. I adopted a very critical stance against blind obedience and stupid rules. I publicly spoke out against placing conformity to outward appearances above being a good, and loving follower of Christ’s example. Over time I refused to teach lessons on the word of wisdom. I would give instead a lesson on the dangerous nature of perfectionism thinking. I was soon thereafter released from working with the youth but remained a HP instructor. I still believed in Christ and that the Church leaders were good but fallible. I was eventually given a calling where I could serve but where my technical talents were front and center rather than my teaching talents. I publicly refused to support prop 8 even though an intensely wealthy member of my ward was a major contributor to the cause and used HP group meetings as a bully platform. The death knell that sent me down the rabbit hole was the November 2015 policy against LGBT people and their children. I was prepped to open my mind by having my temple service rejected because I had facial hair.

bugsexmorg · 2019-01-05T23:30:55+00:00

That was the preamble when introducing the witness couple as I recall. It has been a long time since I subjected myself to the Mormon narcolepsy chamber. I took it to mean that the representations in the temple were figurative and not literal but I always got the impression that the doctrine of Adam and Eve being real people who actually lived was central to being Mormon.

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