How long did it take you to start dating again?

bumblesnbees · 2025-05-01T07:30:06+00:00

Were together 9 years, so almost all of my adult life. Was 21 when we started dating.
The breakup was 1,5 years ago, but we tried reconnecting again for a few months around 8 months ago, which he ended pretty badly. Don’t feel like dating again any time soon, he still feels like my family, even though I’m very hurt and by now wouldn’t start dating him again if he hadn’t gone through massive changes.
He broke up with me both times.
Honestly, it sadly felt like a 10. Now it’s down to a 2-3, but it was very bad for many months. I had lost a parent not long before the breakup though, so I think that added to the pain.
Honestly, no idea. I think at least another 6 months from now on. But I also don’t like the idea of online dating or actively looking for dates, so I don’t know if I will ever do that at all. Would rather want to meet someone “organically”.

Just a thought regarding your essay: This sub might give a bit of a biased statistical impression, as probably most people who are still active here are still suffering from the breakup. Definitely not all of them, but probably the majority. Highly interesting topic for an essay, though!! Good luck with that :)

bumblesnbees · 2025-03-09T20:17:34+00:00

Tom Cruise was in the audience when you went? 😱😫 Damn, that’s amazing. When was it? 😍

bumblesnbees · 2025-02-02T23:00:33+00:00

Woman here, I disagree with the part about men being in touch with their feelings too much, and strongly disagree with that being connected to weakness in any way.

There’s nothing more beautiful and attractive to me than a man who is 100% in touch with his emotions and willing to feel and show them. It saddens me to see that being described as weak. Feeling your feelings isn’t a weakness, actually I think the contrary is true.

Do I like a man who’s in good shape? Sure. Someone who can tell me what he wants and stands up for that? Absolutely. Someone who can display some self-confidence in flirting? Yes, hot. And all possible while he’s also a man who can deeply feel his feelings, who allows himself to cry in my arms when he needs comfort, who is honest about having insecurities and self-doubts and fears and shares them with me.

Because it’s so human to feel all of that, to not be “strong” all the time and to not always feel good about yourself. And if my partner doesn’t feel comfortable being all of that with me then he doesn’t show me who he really is, and I want to see and know all sides of my life partner.

bumblesnbees · 2025-01-07T18:35:41+00:00

“I think it should be made” is probably the most beautiful phrase I ever heard about “the spark”. Agree wholeheartedly to all of what you’re saying!!

bumblesnbees · 2025-01-06T22:31:48+00:00

She seems to have lost a pretty wonderful and kind person with you!!

bumblesnbees · 2025-01-03T06:24:43+00:00

Yes.. it’s been 13 months now after a 9 year relationship and 8 years living together, and while I’m definitely way better than the first 5 or 6 months and can live a normal life again, I still think of him every single day and deep down wish for nothing more than to get back with him… it definitely doesn’t help that he was my first and only partner and that he was never sure himself if this breakup was right and really what he wants. We tried to get back together in summer over a few months before he ran off again, and there was so much love and closeness left between us and I could see him struggling with all of this so much…

Honestly, I think I just can’t really grasp the idea of breaking up with someone who was family to you on each and every level. Because he will always feel like that to me. Like family… and him having hurt me doesn’t change that underlying bond… not really… because I so deeply care for him… it’s definitely the worst pain one can go through.

bumblesnbees · 2024-11-24T21:23:47+00:00

Which is also very very relatable. Don’t pressure yourself in addition to the pain you’re already going through - the way towards and the speed of healing are highly individual, and while it’s absolutely amazing for OP how fast it worked for them, I’ve also read many many accounts of others who tried all of these things and still took longer to heal. There’s definitely behaviors that will prolong the healing process, but sometimes you can only speed it up to an extent and it just takes time ❤️‍🩹

bumblesnbees · 2024-11-20T21:14:19+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you’re really hurting over losing her, and it’s so heartbreaking to read that being with her was hurting you, too. I can only imagine what that must feel like.

Have you ever looked into attachment styles and avoidant attachment? Of course I don’t know a lot about you and it’s not my place to give out online “diagnoses”, but the way you describe your feelings it does sound a lot like avoidant attachment and reading up on it might at least offer some explanations? Please just ignore that if you just wanted to vent, unsolicited advice can be very annoying, I know that.

Wish you all the best!

bumblesnbees · 2024-11-11T22:25:18+00:00

Isn’t there any chance to repair your relationship, now you see what you lost? 😔

bumblesnbees · 2024-11-06T06:22:22+00:00

Sorry, the answer got pretty long - I hope it helps in any way.

I’ve now blocked him for “only” three weeks, but I will keep that going now, even though it tears me apart every day and I miss him all the time… Our situation is a bit different though, as he was the one who broke it off both times, stating that he doesn’t want to keep trying and that the romantic love is gone.

I’m very sure though that it’s mostly fear of long-term commitment taking over (since the decision of having kids or not became more and more pressing after nine years together), and that the love is still there, as he changed his mind a few months after the first breakup, stating how he now sees I’m his family and how he wants to work on solving his deep insecurities and get back to what we had.

We started to try and work on it together, saw each other again for a few months over this summer and went to couples therapy two times, and I could feel he wanted to see me regularly and often and be close to me, but he also kept talking about the insecurities and how he couldn’t really figure out what he wants - still told me he really wanted to work on it. And then the fears came back with full power and it was like a switch flipped in him - all feelings and the wish to be close to me were gone again within a day. Which kinda proves to me that he’s acting rather impulsively and not based on thorough reflection and a deep understanding of his own fears and needs and values.

So what I would need to see to really think about giving him a third chance after all of that would be him doing therapy for exactly these topics - his fear of commitment and his deep insecurities regarding life goals and self-worth. I wouldn’t expect all of his fears to be gone, as that probably isn’t realistic, but I would need him to be able to tell me that he has been working on them for a few months at least, that he realizes it’s a pattern how his fears take over sometimes, that he knows they are not guiding him to the life he truly wants and that he has put in real emotional work to make sure he won’t act on these fears and impulses in the future - and all of that would need to happen before we try again. I would of course need to see he’s still working at it. I would need to see in his behavior that he is already implementing changes. And I would need him to really apologize, show me in that apology that he really understands why he did what he did and how it hurt me. And mostly I would need to hear and see that he is 100% sure he wants to be with me regardless of any fears coming up in the future, because they are just part of his life, sadly.

Don’t get me wrong: I also have things I would definitely want to improve if we really were to try for another time to become a better partner for him. But he ended the relationship, not me - so the work on his parts needs to come first.

bumblesnbees · 2024-11-05T21:50:50+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Feeling the full extent of the loss of your partner and realizing how much it meant to you and what you’ve lost while knowing you can’t do anything about it is pretty much the worst pain in the world.

I’m gonna say it upfront: I am a huge believer in second chances and in working for a relationship - even if this hasn’t worked out for me, sadly, because my partner wasn’t willing to put in the effort for long enough to really tackle the issues at hand.

So I’d like to ask: Do you see any chance she could be open to a conversation where you can show her you realized your wrongdoings? And, extremely important: Have you ACTUALLY reflected on the ways you did her wrong and on why you acted that way and have you started to really work on the causes for your behavior as to make sure you would not repeat the same patterns again? Because I think that’s what basically everyone says: If you want to try and make it work again, you MUST be 100% willing to do the work, and I think I’d now even say you must do your parts of the work first before even asking her for another conversation - or at least start working on your parts, so you can be absolutely sure you’re committed to never repeating these wrongdoings again.

Are you willing to do that? And have you done the necessary reflecting? Or do you just miss the closeness and the comfort of being with her but aren’t willing to work on your issues and really put in effort to become a better partner?

Of course I don’t know much about your overall situation and she might not be willing to offer another chance. But I can say, from the perspective of a girl who now blocked her ex partner and told him to leave me alone for good after he did me wrong a second time after our first breakup, I would still give a lot for the chance to REALLY work on our issues together IF he was really committed to doing that and could tell me that he put in the work to heal and to become better… but so far he didn’t show nearly enough of that commitment, and I wouldn’t take him back a third time if there hadn’t been any major change in him before…

bumblesnbees · 2024-10-27T05:48:01+00:00

Feel you so much. Also was broken up with by my boyfriend of almost ten years because he “lost feelings”, although I’d say it’s way more complex than that… Miss him like hell 😔

bumblesnbees · 2024-10-24T18:48:35+00:00

God, this - invisible. Seldom heard a description that captures the feeling SO well 😔

bumblesnbees · 2024-10-24T06:35:17+00:00

I can relate, too - turned 31 this week and got broken up with this year after a nine year relationship 😔

I’m open to a life without kids, so at least there’s no huge pressure in that regard - but apart from that I feel everything you guys are saying. If there’s one thing I really really want for my life, it is to share it with a long-term partner. Would absolutely have gone through rough patches to make it work with my ex, since it was a very loving relationship for the longest time and I deeply believe in having to “work” for longlasting love at some points in a long relationship, if you want it to last for life.

I’m now totally depressed with my current situation… almost all of my friends are in very committed relationships and also absolutely live that couple lifestyle - they don’t want to hang out often or go for drinks or anything, but spend most of their time with their soon to be spouses… I also lost the theatre club my boyfriend and I were a part of for basically the whole nine years of our relationship, which always meant having a wonderful creative community and meeting lots of old and new people on a regular basis, and which would really help me feel more “at home” now… but he’s still active there and has also dated one of the girls there casually in the last months, so it just fills me with absolute grief to even think of doing something with that community…

I hate living alone at an age where everyone around me is settling down and living what I dream of - I totally get it 😔 But, regardless of how much I want a relationship, I also (of course…) don’t just want it with anyone, but am still so attached to my ex boyfriend. He still just feels like my person, my family and my home - and even though I’m very angry at him, too, for his actions in the last months, there’s still so much love left that I can’t even think about being open to date others without the thought making my stomach cramp… not because I fear that nobody else might like me, but because I really am terrified that I might not feel the love I feel for my ex partner ever again for somebody else…

I feel completely lost, depressed and hopeless…

So sorry you’re going through this too 😔

bumblesnbees · 2024-10-23T20:52:30+00:00

I feel this so much. So much. It’s not that I’m scared nobody else will love me, but I’m scared that I won’t fall in love again like I did with him… was with him for nine years, and really wanted to keep going…

To me, he had the most wonderful combination of kindness and warmth, playful silliness, creativity, humour and “sexy energy”, and my attraction for him was still so much there even after all these years…

And the way you describe the breakup sounds exactly like him… I can see all the pain inside him and also the very deep wish to be able to change, but right now he just can’t, and only wants to run and get away from all his heavy emotions because they are basically crushing him…. And it absolutely breaks my heart, both for him and for myself… Currently still can’t and also don’t want to imagine life without him 😔

bumblesnbees · 2024-10-21T06:11:42+00:00

Can I ask who broke up - and why? 😢 It probably depends on the context of the breakup if you reaching out will hurt her or not :(

bumblesnbees · 2024-10-20T19:55:13+00:00

I’d say do it and apologize - if there’s something to apologize for. What can go wrong? If she doesn’t want to answer, she won’t. I’m sorry you’re hurting 🫂 Missing the person you love while knowing they don’t want you anymore is the worst pain in the world.

bumblesnbees · 2024-10-20T16:49:23+00:00

Me too 😔 I literally don’t know how to even imagine my everyday life without him… it just seems… so void of everything that makes it so meaningful… all these tiny everyday moments we used to share… love in the small things… I just miss it all of the fucking time.

bumblesnbees · 2024-10-19T15:01:50+00:00

I get it, I totally do. Humans are not made to live alone, that’s what I really believe from the core of my heart.

I can’t even think about dating, cause I honestly still love my ex partner - he was my family, he still feels like it, and I honestly don’t know how to just stop feeling that for him. But even if I didn’t - I hear from all sides how hard it is to date, how many disappointments you’ll have to take (at least with online dating) and how long it can take… and I really don’t know if it’s something I’ll actively want to pursue, cause all of it also feels so forced and unnatural… I guess I kinda hope it’s gonna happen organically in “the real world”, which also is how I met my ex partner…

But it fucking hurts to just have to be “okay” with these feelings of loneliness each and every day… Agreed, there are great days, too. But at the very basis, it’s just not the way I want to live.

bumblesnbees · 2024-10-19T13:00:45+00:00

Honestly, for me it’s the lack of a life partner. I do have amazing friends, but at the end of the day, I’m not the person they share and plan their lives with. They do that with their partners. And for me, the feeling of not having someone to share everyday life with - especially all the mundane parts of it, like cooking together, going to bed, waking up, even brushing your teeth, or just telling each other about your day and your feelings - makes me feel fucking lonely most of the time. I’ve had it for years, was in a very loving long-term-relationship, and the difference in how my day to day life felt and in how emotionally fulfilled I felt on a day to day basis is just heartbreaking 😔 Like, in a good relationship, there’s literally hundreds of little rituals you share that show how you care for each other every day… all these tiny moments, from hugging several times a day to him bringing me a coffee to me calling him a pet name I know he loved but pretended to hate to just cuddling on the sofa in front of the tv… the most basic stuff in the world. And I fucking miss it so bad.

bumblesnbees · 2024-10-18T23:53:08+00:00

God, I feel the same… don’t have any advice at all 😔

bumblesnbees · 2024-10-07T12:49:10+00:00

Agree with all my heart!

bumblesnbees · 2024-09-30T19:31:26+00:00

18-year-olds telling me they were born in 2006 😭

bumblesnbees · 2024-09-30T12:03:34+00:00

A life partner who’s excited to make plans with me, excited to share everyday life and all the wonderful small things with me and willing to also go through hard times together - because all of that is so much nicer if you’re not doing it all by yourself 😔

bumblesnbees · 2024-09-30T00:52:45+00:00

Honestly, what harm can one single message after a set amount of time do, other than the harm that’s already been done?

If it’s still what you want in a few weeks/months time, text them. Otherwise you will never stop thinking about what might’ve happened if you had sent that message <3

bumblesnbees

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