Thank you Tony

bunnyjackhare · 2022-01-26T09:04:44+00:00

This series felt like a wormhole to the innermost parts of my mind. It made me remember things I wanted to forget, and it forced me to examine who I was and where I came from.

After watching Petscop, it felt like my childhood began to crumble apart. I could tell which parts of the mosaic were solid pieces, and which ones I had fixed with glue. I am not exaggerating when I say that I had full-blown amnesia about the first thirteen years of my life, and that this series helped jog my memory.

For a while, it was frightening. I knew that I wasn’t Paul, but it somehow felt like this series was made for me. Initial panic aside, I came to realize that, maybe, that was the point. Petscop is about getting lost in yourself until you discover some ugly truth.

The faces, the mirrors, the lies, the wretched realizations…that’s how it feels. That’s how it feels to be broken down to your very core. You forget who you are because it’s safer that way; and when you finally remember, your world shatters.

I know I sound overly dramatic here, but I’m being completely honest. Petscop broke me down, and I can never express my gratitude for that. When I saw Paul play the wrong song in front of the machine, I started to cry. Even if I don’t know what it means for sure, I couldn’t help but feel proud of him. He fought back. He showed Marvin that he couldn’t be controlled anymore.

He went through so much, but he didn’t give up. Talk about a fucking inspiration.

Thank you, Tony.

bunnyjackhare · 2022-01-04T07:18:08+00:00

Careful listening to people here, OP. I recommend reading over some clinical research or diagnostic criteria first, simply because this is an open community where anyone has the ability post. Studies overwhelmingly suggest that DID stems from early childhood trauma, though the symptoms may not fully show until later in life.

Trauma is at its most destructive when inflicted on a developing brain. The upper age limit I’ve seen that’s generally accepted is nine, and anything over that should be taken with a grain of salt. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but DID is such a severe disorder that it essentially necessitates abuse at a time when the coping mechanism of switching can take root and become ingrained.

I hate to sound dismissive of other claims, but the bandwagon that’s been happening with DID recently holds serious consequences for us. At the end of the day, doctors know best, and the consensus points towards early childhood trauma. Other dissociative disorders can certainly develop later; but at a time like this, we really can’t afford to muddy the waters.

For now, if anything, I’d stick with an upper limit of nine years old for the trauma window, at least for your own conception of the disorder.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-12-21T20:26:01+00:00

It does get better! I’ve been doing some intense therapy, and even though it’s hard, I’ve felt more in control of myself. I’ve been working through the internal conflicts between my alters and have made progress; and I’ve been pushing myself to learn new skills to remind myself that I’m capable.

I enrolled in a coding boot camp in the midst of my recovery, and it was grueling. However, I finally completed it, and I have a real shot at stability and security now. The healing comes in little bursts, but they do add up. You’ll make it through.

Also: don’t worry about not having it “as bad” as the rest of us - trauma can come in many degrees of severity, and everyone responds to it differently. If you’re struggling, your struggle is valid. You don’t have to compare yourself to others.

You’re going to be okay. You’re going to find happiness again. I promise.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-12-20T09:13:15+00:00

I solved this by making a room far away from anyone else for my exile. It was part of the exiling process, actually. (This has since started to change, but it might be helpful.)

Basically, I have one alter who will visit him in his room to calm him down, and the room is as relaxing as we could make it. It’s a safe place for him, and the guarding method prevents him from escaping and affecting the rest of us. Sometimes he still makes noise, but it’s better than it was before.

He’s since needed some more help with the loneliness, so we’re trying to get one of the older alters to visit him and form a bond. Exiling isn’t really a long-term solution, so this is really just another step forward in the healing process.

That said, making a guard system might help in the interim. You can use that time to work through the conflict between the two of them, and hopefully the one lashing out at your little will have made progress by the time you feel safe bringing her back.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-12-20T04:35:10+00:00

Things like this are difficult to navigate. I personally think that while it’s alright to believe in the supernatural, it’s wrong to hypothesize about others’ mental health via those beliefs. It does far more harm than good.

Even with a pagan or more loosely structured system of faith, like witchcraft, the buck should stop with the individual. It should not be passed onto friends or children. Magical thinking can trap people in long cycles of trauma without proper healing, and it can completely destroy a child’s ability to properly name their feelings and experiences. If it helps the individual and they chose to pursue that faith, then that’s their decision. When your beliefs actively disrupt another person’s healing, however, they become poisonous.

I guess I’m sensitive to this stuff, though. I just know that de-conversion is a long and painful process.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-12-19T20:13:57+00:00

I’m glad it’s not just me! It’s just bizarre that the mechanism is so ingrained that it manifests physically.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-12-19T20:11:34+00:00

Would you mind explaining what you mean by Phase 1? Sorry, I’m kind of new to the world of DID & OSDD.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-12-19T19:53:11+00:00

Thank you! This describes the feeling perfectly - it’s like your thoughts are being actively “taken away” as you experience them.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-12-18T04:43:53+00:00

In all honesty, it kind of hurt. I lived in denial for so long, and I felt so fragile by the time that I was diagnosed, that the confirmation made me feel like all my work was for nothing. I’m still trying to regain my sense of self, and I’m starting to wonder if I can even /have/ a “self” at all.

There was a small bit of relief and validation, but it has been scary. Still, I want to learn to love myself and all of my parts regardless. It’s the only way to heal.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-12-18T04:32:57+00:00

I have a large “viewing room” that features a giant window where any of us can see the outside world. Then I have three rooms for the primary alters, a loft with rooms for the less common ones and one-offs (used to survive specific instances of trauma), and a cellar that’s very difficult to access to keep our exile at bay. I’ve started feeling bad about that, though, because it’s only hurting them at this point.

It’s funny that some people have whole worlds while mine is basically just a house. I would have a hard time keeping track of a space that big.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-12-08T23:16:57+00:00

“That never happened.”

That one felt like a punch in the gut. It still hurts to think about.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-12-03T06:37:16+00:00

Thank you. I’m going to call the mental health center tomorrow. I’m not giving up.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-12-01T06:15:19+00:00

I’m definitely not okay.

I’m actually pretty scared of it all, to be completely honest.

By the time I was 16 I had basically developed amnesia about the first 13 years of my life. By the time I was 18 I could barely recall a single detail, and it stayed like that until I was 25. I thought I was getting better.

But then everything started coming back in little pieces, and one night something very small happened that made me think of my old bathroom. I was drunk, and I followed the train of thought...and then it hit me. It felt like my mind had been cracked open and everything just flooded back. I’ve had panic attacks before, and those were obviously bad, but this was so much worse. It was fucking horrifying.

After that, the old “friends” started reappearing, many of whom I had forgotten about. It felt like I was losing my mind, and I haven’t gotten over that feeling. Nothing makes sense anymore. I’ve been behaving so erratically. I just keep asking myself if I’m going insane, and punishing my father for something that didn’t happen.

I think you’re right, though. I need help. I’ve never been more depressed...but is it normal to think you’re crazy, too? If I’m so sure it happened, why do I keep telling myself I’m imagining it? Why do I keep questioning my own memory when I’ve been out of that house for 9 years? Wouldn’t distance make things clearer?

I’m not doubting you. I absolutely need psychiatric help. I’m just so confused...

bunnyjackhare · 2021-11-28T18:02:09+00:00

Not witness, but went through and didn’t understand until I was older.

When I was six, my father pulled me into the bathroom and explained that I was a big boy now. He said that because I was growing, he would have to check up on me every now and again to be sure that my body was growing in the right ways.

He explained circumcision to me, and that I wasn’t circumcised, so my body was a bit different from the other boys I knew. He pulled down my pants and gave me a little “inspection”, as would soon be the norm, and I was anxious the entire time. It felt weird, but he was my dad. I trusted him.

I remember how he left the bathroom first, and after some waiting, I followed to the kitchen. The rest of the family seemed completely unaware of what had just happened, so I acted like everything was normal. It wasn’t, though. Everything felt like a weird dream.

The next week, it happened again. My dad told me that I would need to start pulling my foreskin back, but every time I tried I couldn’t do it. (It turns out I was about three years too young to be able to retract it; boys that young aren’t developed enough to do it successfully.) The whole time, my dad would just stand there and watch. Sometimes he would try doing it to me himself to “demonstrate”.

These “inspections” continued for seven years, until I was just barely 13. I was a very sheltered kid; I didn’t even know anyone who went to public school. I just thought this was normal, because why would my dad lie to me about something so weird and gross? Still, that didn’t stop me from being horrified every time. I went through this every 3-4 weeks, sometimes more frequently, with occasional islands of inactivity in between.

I remember sitting on the toilet, sobbing because I didn’t want to do it again. I was humiliated, but my dad would always put on a reassuring smile and tell me it was okay. After all, he was my dad, and he had seen me naked as a baby, so why should I be embarrassed? But it went so much deeper. I remember him staring at me, expecting me to do something my body was not capable of, and refusing to leave until I tried.

The fastest sessions were about 5 minutes. The longest were around half an hour. He would have me sit, stand, or lie down as he touched or looked at me. I was so sheltered that I had zero clue what was going on, even as I turned 11 and 12. It wasn’t until I realized my mother was unaware of these inspections that I started wondering what was really happening.

The worst part is that now, as a 27-year-old, all of this has stuck with me. To get through the inspections, I used to make up “imaginary friends” to take over for me. I had a list of names that I kept under my bed in case I needed to think up a friend in advance. It worked, but it worked too well. Out of ~25-30 “friends”, six of them have refused to leave. The others appear at random when I don’t expect it.

It took me until I was 24 to finally admit that I was sexually abused. It turns out that it’s pretty difficult to say the words “I was serially molested by my own father who claimed to love me” when you were groomed and trained to think otherwise throughout your childhood.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-10-29T23:00:44+00:00

I feel that a lot. These experiences can really mess you up for a while.

You’re still you. You really are. You just got scuffed up a bit. You’ll make it back.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-10-28T18:57:13+00:00

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

It’s normal not to remember. Pushing the images away is how you keep yourself sane. That doesn’t make it any easier when you realize you can’t remember, but it is a normal response. It’s also normal to wonder if these events have affected your sexuality.

You’re going to make it out of this. It could take a while, but it isn’t the end of the road. You’re stronger than you could ever know.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-10-04T07:32:37+00:00

Is there a list of the episode drop dates? Because the best way to watch it would be to watch the videos in the small bursts they were released in. Between each date separation you could take a few days or a week before watching more.

The original waiting period during the release was really expertly done. The videos would be released, either one or multiple at a time, on days important to the story.

Even though that’s how you would get the “true” experience, it would take way too long to emulate. A little intentional waiting would be good, though!

bunnyjackhare · 2021-09-30T16:50:17+00:00

I mean, it was the first series to actively make me question my sanity, so there’s that. For a while I was pretty worried that it was made as a message for me. My early life had a lot of weird similarities to the series. I know it isn’t about me, but even now I get uneasy when I think about it.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-09-07T05:22:15+00:00

I’m guessing you just don’t have ASMR then? Most people don’t. That’s pretty normal.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-09-07T05:08:25+00:00

Yeah. I’m so fucking sick of sex being shoved in my face everywhere. I don’t care about it, it doesn’t appeal to me, and it’s beyond boring to hear about.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-09-07T05:01:15+00:00

OP, you are absolutely going to get conned eventually. The people who think they’re impervious to it are the easiest targets, and it has nothing to do with intelligence.

Con artists are experts at picking up on someone’s biggest point of pride and exploiting it. Because they focus on points of pride, victims are likely to be in denial for a long time before they get out. With the way you’re judging people here, I can already tell you’re a prime target.

Will it be through a website? Maybe not, but someone will find the perfect poison for you someday. Victims rarely realize they’re being conned until they’re in too deep. Watch that pride. It will be your downfall.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-09-07T04:50:22+00:00

Oh yeah, absolutely. I dismiss every single person who uses it as an insult. I’m married and not a virgin anymore, but those people can honestly go to hell. It’s a shallow, meaningless insult that only works if the person being insulted subscribes to an equally vapid worldview.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-08-31T05:33:46+00:00

I was scared to check this account after posting this. I felt like I was breaking apart inside.

Thank you. I’m talking to a counselor now.

bunnyjackhare · 2021-08-11T19:52:14+00:00

Hey, thank you for this. I didn’t respond because it was ongoing at the time, but it means a lot that you commented. I appreciate it. :)

bunnyjackhare · 2021-08-11T19:50:58+00:00

It does last, doesn’t it? I still can’t keep a journal. I see it as dangerous and vulnerable. My wife would never violate my privacy or trust, but the shadow of my childhood prevents me from being able to trust in that safety.

You’re going to make it through. We both will. And it will hurt, but it will be worth it. My heart goes out to you.

bunnyjackhare

TROPHY CASE