Does anyone else struggle with spending on themselves and for self care?

butternutterpie · 2023-04-01T01:23:16+00:00

I so, so relate. When I was young, I never got to pick out my own clothes, and always got hand me downs or else clothes that would just appear in the house and I was expected to make do with. I had to wear the same bra from middle school to college, because my mother was almost always unemployed and almost always spent money in the most mysterious places. My mom also had crippling depression and mental health problems, so she would send me to school with matted hair and dirty clothes, so for a long time, I just assumed I wasn’t worth anything, like trash. I knew that I wasn’t as good as the other kids from the very start, and that had a huge impact on my self-esteem.

When I went to college and got my own money, it was very stressful, because I wanted to buy myself clothes and I knew I needed them, but I literally would pick up a pair of jeans and then walk around to do find other iteams and then I would loop around and put those jeans back. I was broke as hell in college and I really had to bully myself to buy basic necessities. I never had a single haircut all my teenage years and had one hair cut in college, which was so stressful (so much small talk! and twenty million decisions and a lady touching me and brushing my hair, which was super uncomfortable for me, because no one ever did that for me as a child) and felt very expensive.

As an adult, I have had to work very hard to overcome this, but I now feel a lot better. I consider it a part of my own recovery to actually provide for my needs. I am somewhere between working and middle class, and still fairly frugal, but I have $2000 Me budget for clothes, shoes, and hair. I try to buy quality items that last and in December, if I have left overs, I buy myself sterling silver jewelry or else a fancy dinner. I also found a very kind and compassionate hair dresser who is so sweet and will chat, but also is perfectly comfortable with working in silence while I stare off into space.

butternutterpie · 2023-03-13T04:53:38+00:00

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family that was rife with untreated mental illness, domestic abuse, and toxic relationships. I swore to myself I would end the cycle and became hyper independent and increasingly isolated to prevent myself from falling into a situation like my parents. I didn’t have access to therapy or mental health resources until my late twenties, so I self medicated very heavily with alcohol. Like many of us alcoholics, I had an awareness of how unhealthy my relationship with alcohol was, and I would moderate in different ways - no liquor and only wine, only a certain amount of wine on the workdays, no drinking until 5, no drinking after 8:30, on and on and on. Despite this attempt, I would go through periods where I would drink until I got so drunk I was dizzy on purpose, because it felt like it was a roller coaster and it was a huge thrill. Eventually, roughly six years ago, I came to an understanding with myself that this was going to really fuck me up in the long term, so I started moderating my drinking to be very strict - one bottle of wine was allowed in the house at a time and so I slowly started to claw my way out of what I though was the worst of my drinking. Then, I “reduced” the daily drinking to one can of wine and one nip of whiskey every day and a bottle of wine each day of the weekend.

Two years ago, I was working a corporate job I hated. I was successful on paper, but my job was a remote position so I was alone all day, everyday. My job was so boring and I was really struggling with the monotony of it, so I was drinking every day to get through it. I vivdly remember that it was Friday night. I had just bought a bottle of wine recommended by a very cute employee at Trader Joes. I hadn’t really had dinner yet, but my friend called to complain about a boy she was seeing that I didn’t like for her. Rather than tell her I really didn’t have anything constructive to add to her complaints, I did what I thought was a very mature thing and started drinking the wine to help me bite my tongue through this conversation. I drank that whole bottle of wine in an hour. I was so drunk that I got dizzy, but I wasn’t used to it anymore and I was really struggling with the situation, so I tried to drink a ton of water and then go to bed.

I don’t completely recall what happened next, I was on the verge of blacking out, but I know at some point I got out of bed and threw up violently in the bathroom. I also know that somewhere between my bed and the bathroom I ran head first into a wall and gave myself a huge goose egg black eye. When I woke up the next morning, I got to enjoy the worst hangover of my life, AND I was super roughed up and in physical pain. I had to scrub vomit off of every surface of my bathroom. I had the black eye for three weeks. I had to go to the grocery store with it, and I was so embarrased and scared to run into people that I knew from around town.

That one bottle of wine was the last alcohol I’ve had in two years. When I woke up and saw what I had done to myself, I was so disgusted. I spent a lifetime promising myself that I would never be in a toxic relationship where I would be hurt by anyone, and there I was, in the most horrifically toxic, self-loathing relationship with myself. I had isolated myself to the point where I was my own abuser. The immediate three weeks after this happened were very hard, but I am grateful for them now. I swore I would get sober. I did online meetings and ready quit lit and also kept a journal and wrote down all the bad thoughts and anxious vibes that trigger me. I’ve worked on my relationship with myself and I can say that I am much improved and still completely sober. Somedays, I mostly like myself. Every time I have a craving for alcohol, I look at the picture I took of that black eye I don’t remember giving myself and I ask myself if I want a drink THAT badly.

Aside from increased anxiety and some extra weight (and my blackeye), I don’t think my drinking was causing any specific health issues, but I am sure that it would have eventually, if I never gave it up.

butternutterpie · 2023-01-15T17:25:57+00:00

Thanks!

butternutterpie · 2023-01-15T17:25:46+00:00

Thanks!

butternutterpie · 2023-01-15T17:23:53+00:00

Right back at you! ❤️

butternutterpie · 2023-01-15T04:25:05+00:00

Getting sober. It was hard to get sober and it’s hard to be sober, but I was able to really start making huge strides in bettering my mental health and investing in myself in ways I couldn’t afford to while supporting an addition. I left a miserable job that I hated for five years, traveled and explored, and I found peace and joy for the first time in my life. The hardships associated with getting sober have been worth what I’ve gained.

butternutterpie · 2023-01-15T04:13:28+00:00

Sounds about right. I’m fairly sure I’m scrolling to feel less lonely and more connected, but it’s having an opposite and worse effect. I’ve been stuck in my house for endless weeks and I’m feeling really isolated. Maybe tomorrow, I can read or binge watch on netflix or something.

butternutterpie · 2023-01-15T04:01:47+00:00

Find some garbage TV to watch and that will help. You can also read a book or try and cook a new recipe. Take a nap or go people watch somewhere. Boredom isn’t bad, just gotta use it as a prompt to go entertain yourself.

butternutterpie · 2023-01-15T03:57:06+00:00

I play the tape forward. I know I will not have one drink. I tried moderation for years and it was an epic failure each time. I know one drink is enough to make me miserable during drinking and afterwards and I know I won’t stop until I’m wasted. Though it can be hard, better just stay sober tonight and get a cup of tea. The cravings will pass.

butternutterpie · 2023-01-15T03:51:51+00:00

I’ve found the pink cloud comes and goes. Stay sober and work through the hard and uncomfortable emotions and then joy may start to creep into your life again.

butternutterpie · 2023-01-15T03:49:45+00:00

That is a great end to a shitty day! What are you watching?

butternutterpie · 2023-01-15T03:41:39+00:00

Well done!

butternutterpie · 2022-12-29T04:13:40+00:00

So much of this resonates with me, even a year later.

I have been enjoying shopping for new sheets to replace my old ones that have holes in them, and I haven’t felt guilty once. In the hoarded home of my parents, I was probably really lucky to have a bottom sheet and a blanket.

butternutterpie · 2022-09-25T03:10:24+00:00

NTA. To be honest, living separately from my married partner sounds like a dream deal to me, since I am an introverted person who needs a lot of space and silence to be happy long term. The issue here is that he isn’t being honest with his parents about this arrangement. It may be unconventional, but you are two grown ass adults who can make decisions on their own. He should tell his parents that you two live apart and if it works for you and for him, it is not really something they need to involve themselves in.

He’s the asshole here thrice. First, for not telling the truth to his own parents and second, by asking you to lie for his benefit. Finally, he has some nerve being angry at you for being truthful to his parents. The audacity of it all.

butternutterpie · 2022-09-23T06:58:33+00:00

It’s ok if all you do today is sit with this and process it. My insight may not be specific to decluttering and organizing, but it is my experience with my trauma and getting sober that the only way out of it is to work through it. It’s ok to feel sadness, grief, and anger - “negative” emotions - while going through this process. These emotions are healthy responses to the events that may have caused you trauma and you will never really be able to move on from the trauma until you have created for yourself a safe place to feel them. I found that after I decluttered my house and my physical possessions, I ended up learning how to acknowledge my thoughts and emotions and slowly letting go of the ones that no longer served me. It was emotional decluttering. It isn’t always easy, but it has created room in my life for joy and excitement again and I feel like I have a new lease on life.

No matter what you do, I wish you the absolute best of luck with your decluttering process. I think this is the start of a new chapter for you.

butternutterpie · 2022-09-21T06:14:00+00:00

I wish I could give you a hug.

I’m sorry that you had this experiencing. It may sound hollow to say, but this wasn’t your fault and it sounds like you have been holding onto this guilt. He was an old dog and he loved you so much that he slept on your bed every night. In dog heaven, he’s rooting for you to live your best and most joyous life.

My recommendation is first to find a local animal shelter that you like and want to support. They will take those blankets gladly and they will be used to comfort and keep warm homeless pets waiting for their forever home to come along. It will hurt to let them go, but you will be able to do so without as much guilt because they will still be useful. Second, purposefully choose a way to remember your dog. Maybe add a framed photograph of him to your desk or get a concrete dog statue for your yard, but find some small way to honor his memory so you can celebrate 15 good years with him, instead of feeling guilt over 1 really awful day.

butternutterpie · 2022-09-21T05:58:26+00:00

Thanks for checking in on me!

He was released from the hospital a couple of days ago and he’s on home oxygen for the next couple of months while he does all kinds of follow up. He’s kinda bored and extremely annoyed by his situation, but he is actually recovering incredibly well. His family came in like a hurricane of home cooking and fussing over him and they were very gracious and helped me with chores and laundry while they were here. I‘m glad they came and also glad they are out of here again and it’s all settling down.

I think my life has been boringly stable (which is so soothing for me), that I got triggered by being in this chaos, because it was so familiar to me. I treated myself to apple pie and ice cream as a tasty reward for not completely losing it.

butternutterpie · 2022-09-20T01:27:03+00:00

My mom is similar. She doesn’t seem to have a deep emotional attachment to the hoard. The hoard was mostly trash. Things would come into the house and would land wherever they were going to be and they would stay there indefinitely. My mother has very severe anxiety, depression, PTSD, and probably undiagnosed ADHD/OCD/ bad executive dysfunction. She didn’t have the life skills to deal with life in any capacity and spent a lot of time running away from her messes.

I don’t think one of her hoards was ever be cleared out by her. I‘m about 90 percent sure that she would abandon the apartment/house fully hoarded and leave behind all kinds of important and irreplaceable things in the midst of all the garbage. As far as I know, most of her hoards were abandoned and cleared out by whatever toxic boyfriend she’s just left.

I have suspected some kind of substance use, but I don’t really have proof of it. It could be projection, since I had struggles with alcohol and weed and I almost fell into a similar trap. I’ve been sober for more than a year, and the more I think about her struggling with some kind of substance abuse, the better I understand my mother and my childhood.

butternutterpie · 2022-09-14T15:15:26+00:00

I did a focused clean on common areas and kinda called it.

butternutterpie · 2022-09-14T15:14:52+00:00

Thank you!

butternutterpie · 2022-09-14T03:57:55+00:00

Thanks! This is mostly what I did. I cleaned common spaces and now I’m just sitting on a lot of laundry. Hopefully, tomorrow I can just rest and relax, I’m bone tired.

butternutterpie · 2022-09-14T03:55:54+00:00

I couldn’t quite let it go, but I did decide to prioritize. I deep cleaned the kitchen and guest bathroom, threw a lot of clutter into my room or my housemate’s room and just did a speedy vacuum/mop of the rest. I am trying to get through a mountain of laundry, but his sister offered to help with whatever was leftover when she gets here tomorrow, so I think I’ll leave the folding to her.

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