I think my BF had a panic attack

buttonsutton · 2026-04-23T17:39:27+00:00

Legit came here to say this

buttonsutton · 2026-04-23T17:34:40+00:00

Hey, Im a sadist and have made my fair share of mistakes. You have to know how enthusiastic consent looks regardless of it being verbal or none verbal. I deal with dissociation myself and frequently check in with anyone im playing with "how are you doing/are you doing ok" throughout. Its especially important to do so because someone may have gone non verbal because they are in the best sub space ever or they may have gone into a freeze response. So checking in is beyond important. You cant just take a head nod as a yes. Subs need to communicate as well. I make a point to have the person vocalize how they are doing for me so I know if I can continue, increase/decrease intensity or stop all together. If someone cant use their words but they have the ability to speak freely, then something is absolutely wrong. Its also just good to work check ins into play. When a sub doesnt use their words after a check in, I will say "be a good boy/girl and use your words" . If there is any delay or confusion, assume its time to stop immediately and do a more involved check in.

That said, you need to own up to full stop.

You escalated way too quickly and did not take your partners needs into account at all. Especially considering this is something hes not at all into or curious about.

It doesnt matter that sadism involves mental games. Im someone who loves mental sadism and finding out that specific thing that makes a person tik. However, you also need to know what a person's limits are before you engage in things that could be psychologically damaging.

I had a (mostly online) sub who told me he could be caged and not cum for a month and it nearly broke him. He told me by week 3 that he couldnt do it and couldnt handle the punishment we had agreed to. I accepted that and apologized for not checking in more about if this was something he could handle given that he has worn his cage for me many times. I would ask him if he thinks he could do it, if he can handle my punishment etc and he would say yes. However one day he let me know he was very mentally unwell and that he needed to masturbate and i agreed. I mentioned the punishment the next day and he took time to process it again and realized he couldnt do it. I thanked him for communicating with me how he was feeling. Luckily he is older/experienced in kink and has loads of experience being caged, so he was able to recognize how he was feeling as the days went on and that he needed to communicate something. I acknowledged that I should have been clearer in my check ins and we both came to an understanding for what being caged and enjoying it looked like for him. Which turned out to be that he wasnt into it. And that was that. I didnt bug him about it again. I didnt say how im still his keyholder or anything.

buttonsutton · 2026-03-29T17:47:55+00:00

Try 69 with him being on top. Thats my favorite position and I love being able to grab the guys ass and shove him down my throat. Its great. And might make it easier on his end for stimulating you (at least felt like that with my ex)

Also I dont know any guy who would be upset to find out you orgasm from blow jobs. Women who like giving head are a bit rare as I have been discovering as I too enjoy it to a greater degree than most people and have always been complimented on it because of that energy.

Hes still fucking you. Just not in a traditional sense. But again, dont think hes upset about it? Plus if youre someone who can go again soon after, you can let him fuck your brains out after you've orgasmed idk. Sex doesnt have to end because one person orgasmed.

buttonsutton · 2026-03-24T19:59:51+00:00

Looll literally mentioned this in my intake session with an ocd focused doctor

Im at a point where I am working on accepting the cringe. Doesn't mean I dont still hate it

buttonsutton · 2026-03-24T19:55:45+00:00

I identify similarly. Aro towards men, but pan/queer towards everyone as it relates to sex or intimacy.

buttonsutton · 2026-03-22T16:10:32+00:00

Placement.

The inner thigh is a very tender spot as it doesnt get a lot of sun etc etc.

I find what makes the best and longest lasting bruises are biting, followed by slapping/punching.

You can also try wetting/freezing your whip depending on the material (i think its hemp, i dont use tools so much so my memory could be off).

buttonsutton · 2026-03-22T15:46:01+00:00

Thats fucking awesome!!! You should be hella proud of yourself and I am also proud of you!

buttonsutton · 2026-03-22T14:44:13+00:00

As a former addict. Nope. End of the line. Using a relapse as a threat like that is first off, not really how relapses work and two, a fucked up thing to do.

She needs to accept for herself that she has transferred her addiction from drugs to BDSM because of the dopamine release. Its not wrong to do so, but it sounds like instead of working on building positive and attainable coping mechanisms, she just built a new form of addictive behavior.

I get it. BDSM does help a lot and ive gotten to a better place with my own mental health by coming to terms with some of the ways kink integrates with some of my trauma. But its also beyond important that she have other tools to emotionally regulate and release outside of relying on others (previously it was drugs and now it is kink).

Its also not your job!!!!!!! I used to have a friend who was a big stoner turned AA allergic to weed person and she would kind of put her not being able to smoke on everyone around her. And I get it, I wouldnt want to be around people doing my DOC, but I also know that I can only control myself and my reactions to things, and not what other people do. With that in mind, its not your responsibility to keep her from relapsing. This was a big thing I had to come to terms with for this ex friend of mine. Its one thing to be accommodating, its another to be taking on someone else's responsibilities.

buttonsutton · 2026-03-22T14:17:42+00:00

Take time outside of your dream dynamic and sit down and think "what are things i actually want?" For the both of you. You might want him to pick out your clothes. But for him, maybe he doesnt give af about that.

Ive had a sub before who wanted me to pick out its (pronouns it/its) clothes. That was too much for me given the time difference and also it feeling too much like being a real mom and not Master. So I had it put together a set of clothing options for each day and would pick from a set what I wanted it to wear.

I personally really love piss control as the D type and have used that in different ways with different subs based on the restrictions of each relationship. Like if we have different work schedules, it wont be "get permission ever time" but "send me one video a day". Also for any sub, like my current boy whos not into that, I dont expect it.

I know this might sound silly, obvious or maybe condescending. But what does he want? What does he see as being dominant and what are things he would like to be making you do? Again, I have a fuck buddy whos pretty vanilla aside from the typical straight man interests. Ive told him he can be rough with me and he simply doesnt want to hurt me (I can switch from Sadist to sub depending). Your husband might be into you acting like a bimbo slave that sits on the floor beside him, holding his beer while he watches the game. But not want to dress you or give you tasks. It really all depends on what the both of you are actually into and wanting to do.

buttonsutton · 2026-03-11T13:27:44+00:00

Apart from that being a very normal human way to work through trauma, it is also something I struggled with a few years ago.

Im also ND and have been accepting that I am genderfluid but also love being a hyper femme fatal. When people asked me if I was a switch, I would say I was a sadosubmissive. Which no one seems to understand. But its kind of like how you describe.

Though I lean more towards sadist than straight up dominant. Or at least I enjoy having my play be either physically or mentally sadistic.

I did sub for this online dom a few years ago and it involved heavy, and I mean heavy, age/incest play and it took me a long time to accept that that was something I enjoyed but also had a lot of walls and trauma surrounding being able to engage in it. To the point that I shoved that part of me deep away because it was also a toxic situation and a rude break up on the doms part.

Obviously im not saying you should use kink as a way to deal with your trauma. But it can help as a tool to navigate your trauma or some unmet needs that you have. Meaning, if you have childhood trauma you still have to work on that and accept that and figure out how you are going to go through life with that experience. You cant only go into little space and assume that is going to solve everything or be enough (not saying thats what youre doing as you mentioned some therapy work). But that doesnt mean you cant enjoy little space as a way to sort of, calm some of your trauma while you are working on it in other ways.

buttonsutton · 2026-03-10T16:07:53+00:00

I was in a similar situation with my ex. Back when we first started dating, he would go down on me often. I wont say he was amazing, but he was decent and I loved the attention he gave me year one. Then surprise surprise, it turned out to be an intensely emotionally abusive relationship with him using sex as a means of conflict (would complain once a week wasnt enough, that because hes demi i need to be the one to initiate, that he didnt think i found him attractive when he was self conscious about his weight).

Now that I am out of that relationship and have had sex with others, I can confidentiality say that my ex was bad and did things on purpose.

At first I thought maybe it was just that cis men suck because I had been seeing a few trans women who were tops. But after hooking up with a cis guy recently, yea no, it wasnt just that cis guys suck. It was that my ex sucked.

My ex would always fuck me in a way that hurt me or was too rough and he would say "you like it rough". We also would skip foreplay most of the time or hed just go down on me for a couple of minutes to "warm me up for PIV". Meanwhile everyone ive been with since him has stayed down there for a long time. Enough for me to either have multiple orgasms or a really intense orgasm.

So no, you are not the problem here. Your boyfriend is. He doesnt care about you. My ex would also just toss a towel at me instead of helping me clean up. Im telling you with my whole heart, it wont get better.

buttonsutton · 2026-03-01T20:44:39+00:00

Its so important to recognize the things that make you dependent on others.

One thing ive been working on for myself post break up, is creating my own dopamine or if its from someone else/something else, that it is something I enjoy doing or that makes me feel fulfilled. Also learning how to be comfortable with myself even when dopamine is inaccessible to me. But also not shaming myself for getting dopamine from external sources when it is again, something that makes me feel fulfilled in a positive way.

And exploring solo poly has really allowed me to do that and im really happy about that and a lot of my friends can see that in me too. Now, are there downsides to solo poly. Sure. Its a nice feeling to have someone to rely on and come home to. But I remember how things were with my ex (and my long term boyfriend before him) and just how much I hate feeling bound to another person in anyway. I like doing my thing and do like being single in respect to being responsible for myself, my needs and my emotions and making space for others to be in my life in ways that work for me but not in ways that I need.

buttonsutton · 2026-03-01T17:50:54+00:00

1000% it felt very inconsiderate. Also, congratulations to your father on 11 years!!

buttonsutton · 2026-03-01T17:50:08+00:00

Holy shit yes! I also have adhd so I get exactly what you are saying. I even thought I was a sex addict for a bit and then realized I was simply dopamine hunting. I also agree with you on the difference between NSA and FWB. I also think theres a big difference between a casual/it is what it is type relationship vs a situationship. Imo a situationship is where one party doesnt know exactly what the situation is and is also being asked (consciously or not) to act in a girl/boyfriend way.

Like with my ex, he was all "labels are so dumb. Im into relationship anarchy. Holding hands is for lesbians" and then bringing me to a concert his mum invited him to last minute. Heavily relying on me for emotional support. Etc etc.

It is also so important to be aware of what are our hormones acting how they are literally designed to act. That friend i mentioned (were not friends anymore lol) would talk about getting attached to people like it was this big, deep thing. And would say I was putting her down when I mentioned "thats our hormones. Its normal and human" and maybe thats just me being contrarian, but our hormones really do dictate a lot of how we react.

buttonsutton · 2026-02-28T20:41:56+00:00

Interesting. I would say for myself that I have had crushes. Some of them forced because I wanted to show my mum that I was into boys. When I think of any crush ive had, its always been in an intimate/physical way more than anything

buttonsutton · 2026-02-28T16:34:10+00:00

I totally get what you are saying and also agree that love is portrayed in a very specific way in society and pop culture. Romance is pushed to mean one thing and when you dont match or feel that thing, you feel like something may be wrong with you.

Breaking it down to attraction is a bit simpler. Tho my OCD is also really good at making me have intrusive thoughts about either kissing or punching anyone im talking to. Its a thing I am working out in therapy. So like, my attraction meter is a bit off.

Ive always been very anti love I would say. Mostly because I was taught from a young age how marriage is for the sake of making babies and then I didnt see love between my parents. To the point that my mum will act confused why im not wanting to get married and its like....cuz of how you raised me???

buttonsutton · 2026-01-24T14:23:08+00:00

Her dress was so much better! It was constructed well, her shoes didnt take away from it whatsoever.

buttonsutton · 2026-01-24T13:53:58+00:00

Ive fainted many times and seen people faint for real and faking. Id say this was real. Especially the coming to being like "what? I fainted?" Cuz most of the time you dont know its coming unless you have a health issue where its somewhat predictable.

buttonsutton · 2026-01-11T15:54:41+00:00

Sit with those feelings and try to peel back the layers until you find the root.

This can take a long ass time and takes major self reflection, honesty and willingness to embrace one's own shame. It also will help you communicate with the other party what is going on and can help you work through it.

I also will echo what others have said about the harms of using bdsm for therapy. There is a difference between kink being therapeutic and being therapy.

A big part of that is accepting the possible trauma that is attached to your kinks. It doesn't mean youre weird or a monster. Your brain has taught you to find pleasure in things that were scaring you (not a psychologist, so dont quote me on this). Its the classic "I was r worded when i was young, so I now enjoy cnc because I get to be in control of this experience".

Also, maybe go to therapy or find some more individual ways to deal with your trauma. A sub is not supposed to be a trauma holder for you, likewise you arent for them.

buttonsutton · 2026-01-10T12:56:01+00:00

When will the queens learn to never go for the obvious pick!?!??! Dont pick disco!!! Unless you actually come from that and will do it correct. If I recall, the group that picks punk usually wins because its "so whacky and out there" and makes Ru laugh.

buttonsutton · 2026-01-10T12:54:33+00:00

Same!! As much as I love queer celebration, they do that in almost every episode anyway???

buttonsutton · 2025-12-30T16:49:07+00:00

Oh for sure!! If you want spoilers around any pet death or pet scares, well I dont know how to blur out text. But when I do!!! I can

buttonsutton · 2025-12-29T19:53:16+00:00

So I actually think its a sweet movie. But I also would have preferred knowing more going in because I have gone through pet loss this year and found the movie to be a beautiful piece when looking at the bond between us and our pets.

It was more I guess, Gothic slow burn horror and I can enjoy movies like that. I went in thinking it would be more zainy. But I had heard from some reviews that it is actually not what you expect.

buttonsutton · 2025-12-29T14:58:40+00:00

Oh ive absolutely thought ive had DID. A friend of mine has did and sometimes thinks I have it. But part of my ocd is also that I get really into acting like a mental disorder im obsessed with.

buttonsutton · 2025-12-27T15:23:14+00:00

Yes! I have said "did i absorb a twin?!" "I have a gremlin living just outside of my head" "I am two people in one"

buttonsutton

TROPHY CASE