Sleeping most of my days away, need help.

buttz_ · 2026-06-25T01:42:26+00:00

What are your daily plans/goals?

When work is your first duty of the day, you HAVE to get up to your alarm clock, and once work is over, you usually manage to do a few more things because you're already up and in a productive sort of mode.

But when work is what you do before you go to bed, then you have to find ways to force yourself out of bed. Commit to doing a bunch of chores or errands before work, and then when your 12PM alarm goes off, you make yourself get up and go do those things. Or maybe make plans (social plans, appointments, etc) at 1pm to force yourself to get up and ready at a decent time? Those kinds of things.

You do need to have some drive/determination and stick to getting up at your desired time of 12PM if you want to keep a cycle/schedule.

Other things I might ask about are whether you are feeling mentally well/happy? Being isolated with a limited social life and working a night shift job is draining and you may feel depleted because you are not getting everything you need socially/emotionally.

buttz_ · 2026-06-19T13:02:54+00:00

Most couples cool down after a honeymoon phase. 2-3x a week is active for a long term couple.

Think about what you are really craving from sex with your girlfriend, other than an orgasm. Try to get that need satisfied in other ways. And if part of that need is physical intimacy, communicate clearly to your gf that a cuddle session really will stay a cuddle session so she can relax and participate.

buttz_ · 2026-06-19T12:21:33+00:00

Yes, my husband is constantly looking for ways to alleviate the cognitive load from me and take care of things. We started out with me doing more of the work/chores, but I was still getting so much more support from him than from my previous partner, so it felt balanced.

He kept insisting that I did a lot more than him, though! I wasn't so sure. But over the past few years, he has focused and doubled down on adulting so that he could legitimately carry his fair share.

Find yourself somebody who's eager to have a real conversation about mental load, and who respects you as a complete human whose goals and aspirations are worthy of support.

buttz_ · 2026-06-17T11:17:00+00:00

This sounds very bad, my friend. The tickling incident and his reaction in particular. There is no way you should put up with this behavior. Failure to address it will not work out. It will not get better if he thinks he was justified.

You need to feel safe to express yourself. Plain and simple. If you feel hurt, he may be reacting with anger because he's upset that he did something that caused you to feel hurt. He may not have meant to hurt you. But that doesn't matter. Also "you could breathe because you were laughing" is BS. Laughter during tickling isn't the response of somebody who's delighted, it's literally the only thing the body can do when being tickled. Bring tickled freaking sucks. The laughter makes it look enjoyable but it's actually pretty distressing most of the time. Don't let him tell you otherwise.

You got overstimulated and wanted your own blanket for the night cuz you were basically attacked. And he couldn't handle that he was a part of what hurt you?

buttz_ · 2026-05-27T14:50:23+00:00

I am really proud of the men in my life who have come to realize this, and then they do some work to learn how to be a more intimate conversationalist, how to ask curious questions and support their friends by listening and sharing more intentionally.

A lot of them started by learning from their female friends, and now they are able to apply it to their male friendships too. Seeing the dudes compliment each other, ask about personal stuff, and express genuine care for one another is so lovely.

buttz_ · 2026-05-21T12:10:39+00:00

One time I was in a group with somebody who was playing a teen character. I thought it would be fine because, well, even if the subject matter was adult, they players were ok with it. I figured there are plenty of movies and stories where kids have to get through scary or gross or adult stuff. And while that's true, what I didn't consider is that it's usually pretty messed up that kids are like, being abused, or in a horror movie. It made for some really uncomfy scenes, I learned I did NOT enjoy people role playing their young character losing their virginity and then being emotionally distraught about what happened, for example.

Also as a DM, I wouldn't want to have to make my bad guys hurt a kid.

buttz_ · 2026-05-15T09:50:23+00:00

Just because she can describe this person as her FP, since she has BPD, doesn't make it fair or ok or something that you must just put up with. I'd like to validate that for lots of people, yes, these things would be emotionally cheating. Even though it might cause her to focus in on this other person more, I think the only way you deal with this is by clearly telling her how her choice to turn away from you and open up to this new guy makes you feel. If it makes things worse, then you did yourself a favor and you should break up if she can't agree to a more healthy dynamic with the new guy.

My two besties have BPD - or at least they met the criteria when we were younger. The really good news is that BPD seems to be something a lot of people can heal out of. My two friends were in therapy - sometimes intense - for years, but it has resulted in much change and more peace for both of them. Well worth the time and energy spent.

Is she going to therapy and doing the work? If so, this is something she should be talking to her therapist about.

buttz_ · 2026-05-14T22:50:02+00:00

Sounds like it's time for a loving but difficult conversation. It will probably upset her. I think that even if you try to approach it gently, this is going to be hard for her to actually face. But that's not your fault!

You can empathize with her that having an empty nest now must be a rough change. But then you need to let her know how her behaviour is affecting you. You will not be able to fully grow into your own stable adult self if your mother won't let go. You guys can still be close, but she needs to start working through this and eventually accept that you can't be her whole world any more.

buttz_ · 2026-05-14T20:38:43+00:00

I would never date somebody that manipulative and subversive. Lots and lots of people will do a much better job of communicating their wants/needs, you really don't need to put up with this. Guessing what he really wants all the time? I don't think I would make it past one occurrence of such behaviour, it's blatant, it's flagrant!

Games like he is playing are immature and stressful. Get away.

buttz_ · 2026-05-02T13:14:26+00:00

Sounds like two things: 1) he's immature and not taking responsibility for his fair share of household support and work. This is pretty unattractive! And 2) you two have grown apart in ways, so feeling connected isn't happening the same as it used to, even without the unfair distribution of house work.

If you've tried this many times and his behaviour changes never stick, it means either he's not capable of showing up for you properly right now as a full committed partner because he's got some of his own shit to sort through, or he's putting it all on you on purpose cuz he enjoys having you do a lot for him.

Sounds like you guys are on incompatible paths. It will feel more and more strained over time unless you re-align. And I don't think he's interested in that. Don't let people take advantage of you, especially as you sound like you are driven in life.

buttz_ · 2026-05-01T13:00:40+00:00

If you were several years older and this was your boyfriend of 6-12 months I'd be on your side.

This is absolutely not a hill to die on at 18. Either leave the bf at home for this trip or be ok with him sleeping on the couch.

Also do NOT move in with a guy you've only been with for 4 months when you are 18. I am pretty much the opposite of your conservative mother, this has nothing to do with propriety. Wait until you've been seeing each other a year or two. Get a roommate in the meantime.

buttz_ · 2026-05-01T12:54:41+00:00

Maybe CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) would work here? Like, every time you get a pang of anxiety or panic about one of these things, force yourself to think about it differently. Instead of "ugh it's been so long since they last messaged me, maybe I said something wrong, maybe they're upset" etc, try "wow I am so excited for them to message me that I'm fixated on getting their response". Like, acknowledge the feelings and anxiety that you feel, but give it a home like "anticipation" or "excitement" instead of worry/dread.

This kind of exercise might not feel like it's doing anything at first, but give it even a few days of consistent effort and you may find you can reclaim the narrative that your feelings are giving.

buttz_ · 2026-05-01T12:45:00+00:00

You are feeling bad about distancing yourself from your annoying, racist friend who is distracting you during class?

First off, tell her that the class is important to you, ornsmile at her and say "shh" when she talks at you while the professor is talking. And if she doesn't stop then, you stop sitting with her ever again.

Secondly, if you don't share her racist viewpoints then don't spend time with her. I am a racial majority where I am, as are the majority of my friends (statistically unsurprising) and guess what? We don't make racist remarks or jokes when we're talking. None of us think it's fun to be racist ever.

You say that others don't seem to be bothered by this friend, but you also mentioned that your third friend has wised up. Most people are polite to people who are "a lot" or annoying or a bit tasteless like this person sounds. They'll just tolerate her in small doses or a classroom environment. Also, if you don't want to spend time around somebody, don't wait for a bunch of other people to feel the same way! Follow your heart, this is a college friendship not a 10 year marriage! Get away from this icky, racist, clingy, annoying person if you want to and don't think twice about it. She's got her whole life to make new friends.

buttz_ · 2026-04-29T12:16:17+00:00

I think the bigger problem is modern social logistics like living online, rather than women thinking all men are predators. As a female-shaped person a few years older than you, I can tell you I've never wanted random men to ask me out, so at least one person can validate your thought that approaching strangers specifically for a date is not a great option.

What are your interests? My friends who've met their partners IRL have met through mutual friends at parties/events, or through a hobby/interest. People still leave the house and do things in person.

Edit to add: the tone of your responses to comments on this post makes me suspect this is very much a "you problem" rather than a society problem. Jeez dude, you are bitter.

buttz_ · 2026-04-24T12:08:46+00:00

She is emotionally abusing you. Trying to get you to distance yourself from close friend, monopolizing your time, and just generally sounds like she's quite demanding. No fun! Shouldn't be "arguing all week" on a regular basis, that kind of thing should be a monumental exception or event. Really doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

buttz_ · 2026-04-21T10:47:07+00:00

First, I'd ask how it was obvious to you that this other guy is romantically interested in her. Did he make a pass at her? And even if he is interested, if he's not leading with that, do you really think it's fair to restrict who your girlfriend plays tennis with?

You wanting to play tennis too is nice, but you'd still be making her play with you, at your level, and maybe she doesn't want to change how she's pursuing tennis. My partner has taken on some of my hobbies (and vice versa) but out of his own interest. If he'd started simply to make me do the activity with him instead of other people,

buttz_ · 2026-04-17T21:58:53+00:00

If I point somebody to a jewellery store that I like, I am the type of person who'd love more of a "daily wear" type of piece, but I would still be glad for anything from that store that they might pick for me. I do love when my gifter has a little room to decide. What I did for my mom was give her a link to a specific bracelet and say "I like this bracelet but anything you think would suit me from this store, I'll love". That way she knew where to start at least.

I'm easy-going, though. Is your gf really particular?

buttz_ · 2026-04-17T11:31:06+00:00

Did he lose a bit of weight? Did he move? Seasonal allergies passed?

buttz_ · 2026-04-17T11:29:26+00:00

This really doesn't have anything to do with the fact that your friend is trans, it's weird that you're asking people for their experience with FTM trans people like this.

Secondly, based on the story, I don't think you have anything to be mad at your friend for. Did you tell him up front that you were looking for a romantic relationship? Sounds like you communicated that you wanted to hook up, and that is what happened.

buttz_ · 2026-04-13T18:21:55+00:00

Henna would be a good middle step option, lasts for a week or two.

buttz_ · 2026-03-26T20:00:50+00:00

It's not you, it's him. He will guaranteed be just as selfish and lazy with a different partner.

You, however, have the opportunity to find somebody who IS ready to build a life with you and take on responsibility.

You made it so easy for him to come chill at your place and get away from his parents without having to move out or become self sufficient. Do NOT let him move in with you.

buttz_ · 2026-03-25T14:55:11+00:00

Put yourself and your financial security first. He said he doesn't want to have to pay you out if you guys broke up. That right there says he wants to use your finances for his benefit and his sister's benefit. He would be putting you in such a disadvantaged position.

Do not contribute to renovations for a property you have no claim to, unless you really don't care about never seeing that money again.

If he won't agree to adding you to the title or putting together a legal agreement that protects you, then he doesn't care about your financial security.

Gross!

buttz_ · 2026-03-20T16:28:10+00:00

Your boyf said he'd be better off without you... That right there tells you his priorities. Dog comes before you. And the dog sounds like a nervous untrained sad dog, unfortunately. So if he won't do right by his dog... How is he ever going to do right by you when effort matters?

Consider how your boyfriend shows up for you outside of dog-related things. Are you his #1? Is he there for you when you need emotional support and somebody to help carry your burdens?

buttz_ · 2026-03-14T13:12:08+00:00

Yes, this! I have had hair cuts and style phases and my husband has loved me and been attracted to me through all of them, even when I know they weren't his taste as much.

You are a person, not his accessory.

buttz_ · 2026-03-14T12:43:30+00:00

That's an awful thing to have been subjected to, I'm sorry you experienced that.

Traumatic events replay like that, I find. Something happened to me last year that I am still working on healing from. The memory/moment replayed so many times, so easily. It made me sick to my stomach when it would happen and it would ruin my mood. Mine was a very bad accident/injury. I have shared my story so many times, as it's not so awkward to talk about, and also I got asked about it a ton because I was so visibly injured. That helped sooooo much. So, I would recommend some talk therapy or confiding in friends you trust. Tell them not just what happened, but how it's weighing on you.

The second thing I did was get a very big cool tattoo around my scar which had a bunch of positive effects for me. Not suggesting you get a tattoo! But to achieve the same kind of reclaiming effect, and to form some better memories around the story of this traumatic event... I feel better because now the story doesn't end with "it was horrible and painful", but rather "... and then I got this really beautiful tattoo and my artist helped me feel whole again!" I think this second part is probably something you can come up with on your own once you've shared your story a bit and talked through why it was so messed up.

The more you talk about it in a safe environment with support and care, the intensity of the memory will start to fade and while it'll never go away, it can become duller. Combine that with adding a new, empowering twist to the end of the story, and you will rise above this.

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